Why no man should ever Kiss and Tell


I had readied another post to be displayed today and when I was about to publish it, my phone rang. An old College friend called and hell, we hadn’t talked in over 10 years.

As always with old friends you tend to catch up on what has occurred in each others lives in your absence. We both have children and unfortunately, he’s divorced, twice!

We laughed about that and I asked how he didn’t learn his lesson the first time. He informed me through laughter that those were simply dress rehearsals for the true love in his life which happens to be a young woman he met in Beijing, China. I wished him well and he thanked me after informing me that she is definitely the one. My friend, always the optimist.

During our conversation he brought up names of people I hadn’t thought about in eons. With each name we fondly remembered funny stories about old friends and classmates. He brought up an incident that occurred during our time in school and even today, many years later,it still made me laugh.

After hanging up with a smile on my face from reminiscing, I thought about that story and laughed again. When I got back on my computer to complete the post I was about to publish, that story was still fresh in my mind and I don’t know why, but I felt that some of you would get a real kick out of it. Especially those of you who have been confronted with the same type of embarrassing situation.

So, I’ve decided to write about it here for you to decide for yourselves if you think it’s funny or not. Oh, and if it’s not funny to you, maybe you simply had to be there to see the humor in it. Lol.

I am sure that many of you have done somethings with men or boys that you’d just assume would remain between the two of you. However, when that man or boy betrays your trust, it can be somewhat embarrassing, to say the least.

In College, men or rather boys for whatever odd reason feel the need to boast about their conquests, if you know what I mean. Oh, before I go on please let me clarify that statement- not me! I learned my lesson in my senior year of high school. I talked a College Junior into coming by my home to entertain me since I was home for the weekend alone. Only problem was she told me that she would drop by after a party she wanted to attend. My dumb ass made a Cardinal sin, I spoke out of turn. Who do you tell secrets to? Your best friends, that’s who. So after telling my two best friends of what I had set up, I felt like the big man on campus. Damn, a college junior to boot.

Well, unfortunately they went to the same party. After a few beers, one of my friends opened his mouth and informed her that I was home waiting for her to arrive. Damn, I get a phone call and she’s not happy. I can still remember her exact words to me: “You talk to much, and I refuse to deal with anyone who tells my personal business”, and then she hung up on me. I learned a very important lesson that night, anything that is to occur or has occurred between a man and a woman, should remain solely between them and no one else, ever.

Sorry I got off track, lets get back to the original story. Well some guys never learn this lesson and as with this story it can catch up to you when you least expect it.

So, Frank (not his real name, of course) supposedly had a sexual tryst with Tammy (made up name as well). He couldn’t wait to tell all of us that were his friends. He was really excited about the fact that he had finally got to sleep with her, which had been his dream since the day we set foot on campus as snot nosed freshman.

Now, since the campus had only approximately 20 thousand students and that included a vast majority who commuted to class each day, exactly how long do you think it would take for this story to travel across campus? If you said not long, you’re right!

Now Frank whom I hadn’t talked to in years was a really nice guy, but he was always trying to fit in somewhere. He was really harmless and a bit spoiled since he was the only child of an affluent family. Looking back, he was always trying to impress us in one way or another. But what the hell, we were in college and everyone was trying to find their identities.

Now Tammy, she was drop dead beautiful and she knew it (as of course did all of us). Funny thing though, most men don’t understand this but sometimes beauty has a mean streak in it. Frank didn’t know it, and looking back I wish I had warned him about it. The first time I laid eyes on Tammy I was sitting in the lobby of the female’s dorm and she and several other upperclassmen came through. A football player, I cannot recall his name to save my life, made the mistake of telling her how nice she looked on this particular day. Wrong move! She looked at him and stated, “I don’t need you to tell me how I look!” She continued on through the lobby and other guys sitting around tried to contain their laughter. I knew the guy was embarrassed, but hey, he should have kept that thought to himself.

On another note, later I got to see the weak side of her as well. Somehow I became friends with her boyfriend and he didn’t treat her all that well. Once after I had been to her room with him on several occasions, he asked me to meet him there. I arrived and he wasn’t there, it was just she and I. After about 30 minutes I became impatient and was about to leave when she began crying. Hell, I was only 18 and she wasn’t my girl so the last thing I wanted to do was comfort someone else s girlfriend when this had absolutely nothing to do with me.

She confided in me that night that their relationship wasn’t very good and that he had at least one other girlfriend on campus and one in his hometown. What really bothered me about this whole thing is something I’d like to ask all women whom are like her. How can one-day you seem so confident (the incident in the lobby) and the next day you’re crying over a man that you know is clearly worthless? I’m confused, however if any of you would like to enlighten me on this matter, I would certainly welcome it.

Back to her and the Frank incident. Her boyfriend soon left college apparently because his hometown girlfriend was having his baby, at least that’s what she (Tammy) told me, which I am sure is the reason that she ended up spending the night in Franks room after a party.

Poor Frank, he really should have kept this whole thing a secret for two reasons. One being that it could have possibly developed into so much more and secondly he may have never had to face the music about a week later. That is exactly how long it took for this story to travel around campus and get back to her.

It was after lunch and as usual on the day of basketball games everyone hung out at the Student Union. Frank and I were sitting at a table with several other basketball players and my roommate. Everyone was having a great time, that is until the cheerleaders showed up. Oh, did I forget to mention that Tammy was also the head cheerleader?

When they came in some of the guys around started giving Frank pats on the back, that’s how big this story had gotten. He was a little embarrassed to say the least, telling people probably sounded like a good idea in the beginning but, wow.

The cheerleaders went to the customary booths where guys with no self confidence could ogle them and guys with too much confidence could get shot down in front of everyone.

After what seemed like a line of guys had past, most acknowledging Frank in a manner I’d never even sen before. From her vantage point Tammy could see our table and I think this ritual of men heaping praise on him for what should have been a private moment simply got the best of her. She walked over to the DJ that was there every game day, to try to get the students pumped up before game time. After the song went off, he handed her the mike, and the floor. All I can remember thinking was, “this is not going to be nice.”

She started by talking about the upcoming game and got everyone revved up, as people started pounding on tables and clapping. Then she stated that she needed to end with a personal note. She looked across to our table and said, “Frank, stand up!” Now, I knew that this wasn’t going to be good.

People started chanting Frank, Frank, Frank! Like he was on the basketball team. He didn’t stand but all eyes were on him anyway. She continued by saying, that she was sure that many of the students had probably heard the tale of a night of passion shared by she and Frank. With that admission, students started whistling and cheering even more.

Then she smiled and dropped a bomb on everyone there. She said, this story would have been true, however Frank left out one very important detail. Really smiling now and about to laugh, she screamed, He couldn’t get an erection! Ouch!

Damn, now all eyes were truly on Frank and he laughed, as we all did. People in the room laughed because they thought it was a funny and embarrassing situation for Frank. Frank my roommate and I laughed because we knew it was payback for him breaking an unwritten code between men and women- don’t kiss and tell. We also laughed because by her making the statement, she verified that which we already knew was true, Frank was telling the truth. However, he still should have kept it to himself.

After the game I was on my way to the locker room and Tammy ran up to me to congratulate me on a great game. After giving me a courtesy hug, she asked if I could come to her room after I was dressed. Stating that she wanted to talk to me about something.

When I arrived, she was as beautiful as ever, however, she was sad. She went on to tell me that she thought Frank was different and that she felt that he had betrayed her confidence. She stated that as with all of us, we have a reputation to uphold and she refused to have it damaged by someone who was simply too immature to understand this.

She then asked if I would mind apologizing to him for her. She went on to say that she would feel uncomfortable talking to him at this time. I informed her that I would talk to him, and then I asked a question of my own. I started by saying that I knew that it was none of my business, but I wanted to know if his story was true. She smiled sheepishly, and stated, “he’s your friend, you tell me.” We both laughed and she hugged me and I was off to my dorm room for a beer celebration for the win.

Now, before you determine how you feel about this story and how she handled it, I think I should warn you that it does have a happy ending. Yep! They’ve been married for 18 years and have three beautiful children to show for it.

You see, Frank manned up, apologized for his speaking out on a private matter and promised never to do anything like that ever again. She forgave him because he really meant no harm, he was simply so happy to have had the opportunity to be with her he couldn’t contain it.

After I sat down and began writing this post, I dusted off my old address book and called Frank. They still have the same number after all these years. When he answered the phone not knowing who was calling him from Vegas, I quickly said, “Hey remember that time Tammy busted you out for telling her business?” He started laughing and soon she was on the other line taking up for him. It’s great to have friends and even better to have friends for life.

Why you should have a “Single Women” survival kit!


There is nothing on earth as frustrating as being at the whim of someone else. Especially when its someone that you have grown to know, fell head over heals in love with and without warning they radically changed. Damn, it makes me want to pull my hair out just thinking about it.

Many of you will suffer through this in your lifetime, a few of you will suffer through it more than once (because some learn lessons at a different pace). Hell, I went through this phenomenon myself. However, when I came out the other side I made an important decision about dating. Especially when the relationship moved to a point and you have that very important talk.

You ladies know the talk I am referring to.   The one where the guy says, “Look, we spend all of our time together anyway. You have an apartment, and I have one. We spend all of this time sleeping at each others place, but we’re paying two separate rents.” Then he goes on a says, “Wouldn’t it be better if we just moved in together?” “Think of all of the money we could save?”

Wow! You start to think maybe there is a future in this relationship and you as all women do, ask, “Are you sure?” However, inside you’re bursting at the seams with excitement. You cannot wait to tell your girlfriends that he asked you to move in with him.  You were so excited, you failed to carefully think this plan through and you really overlooked exactly whose apartment should you two move into. But, that’s OK, because you’re so happy whatever he wants to do is fine by you.

You can’t wait to move in with him and make all of the modifications that will turn his place into a happy home, right? You should have read the fine print in the offer because this is a recipe for disaster filled with a hidden minefield.

When he brings saving money into the equation you need to know that’s a red flag.  “Think of all of the money we can save?”  In real love money is not an issue. However, let me clarify that statement for you. If I really love you, then I want you to move in with me, not because it allows me to save more cash to buy more toys. I want you there because I want to wake up next to you every single morning. I want you to be the first person i see when I get up to start my day, and the last person I see and hold before I fall asleep. These feeling you make me have are priceless and money pales in comparison.

So, anyway you’re thinking about how great it is to be able to live with him and he’s thinking about the money he’ll be able to save by sharing the rent, bills and expenses. Get the picture now? Yeah, you’re really just a beautiful, sexy roommate that he has bedroom privileges with.

You on the other hand think that this is a prelude to marriage and you quickly begin to treat it just like that. You rush home to make him dinner everyday, you rearrange his apartment to make it more of a home instead of a bachelor pad and within weeks you convince him that you two need a joint account. Why? Because its what married couples do.

Now, currently he’s still on board but what happens when he starts to feel crowded? You start to see a side of him you haven’t seen before. He become irritable, starts coming home later from work and everything becomes an argument.  The next thing you know, he’s sleeping on the couch and you’re crying yourself to sleep on a weekly basis.

Do you understand why this occurs? Believe me when I say that this happens everyday worldwide, so if its happened to you then rest assured you are not alone. It happens because you and he were never on the same page to begin with. The expectations of both parties were totally different and neither took the time to set up rules and expectations before the move actually occurred.

To make matters worse, when people live separately while they are dating there are loads of things they learn about one another over time. When you chose to move in together you learn a lot about one another very quickly and some of the things you learn you may not like. Living together you don’t have that safe place to go to while you attempt to come to grips with his short comings as you would if you lived apart.

If you lived separately and a girl called him on the phone, you’d be a little upset, go home and think about it. He’d call and explain the situation and everything would be forgiven in most cases.  If a girl calls him while you’re living together, its a whole different emotion. You have no where to think this thing through except maybe another bedroom.  Also, the thought that a girl called him infuriates you even more because now you’re wondering if he’s even informed her that he’s in this makeshift marriage, uh, living with you.

When things get really bad and you simply cannot take it anymore (as he may be feeling as well), what are you going to do? It was really easy to get into this situation but getting out of it can be difficult. Where are you going to go? You gave up your apartment, remember?

This is the point where you should have had a “Single Women Survival Kit.” Because when things get really bad, you’ll be able to take complete control of your life and situation again. Trust me when I tell you that there is no worse feeling than the feeling of being trapped.

You’ve given up your apartment, your life, your freedom to make someone else happy and it just didn’t work out. Now, you’re sitting in the bedroom that you two once shared and he’s drinking a beer on the couch watching sports after another silly argument.  You feel trapped and confined and all you really want is to get out!

If you had planned ahead and had a “Survival Kit”, you’d be able to do just that because you’d be prepared. Now, some will say, ” If you’re preparing for failure then it will do that, fail.” However, we don’t plan on having a auto accident, but we get insurance, just in case.

This survival kit, consists of some material items and a good deal of common sense. I’ll give you a list I made up for you, it differed from the one I once had, but then again I am a man.

Item #1: A secret bank account:

I know, you shouldn’t keep secrets in your relationship but this is basically insurance and believe me you may need it. You should place approximately $50.00 into this account every payday. The one thing that will be a hurdle for you is in the event that you feel as though you need to move out, is having enough cash on hand to get another place.

It sucks when you know that you once had a nice quiet place that you called home. It was your sanctuary, a place you could close out the world if need be. If you placed money into that account, you could find one quickly and move on. If not, it may take you a while to save up enough to move out. This means that you’re subjected to many more months of frustration while trying to save something you could have already had.

Now, in the event that the relationship blossoms into something more as in marriage. Guess what? You can roll that money into an investment account, or utilize it to offset some of your wedding expenses. You can’t lose by being prepared!

Item #2: Stockpile birth control:

Hey, until you are on your honeymoon it might be wise to protect yourself from an unplanned pregnancy. If your live in arrangement falls apart the very last thing that you need to discover is that you’re expecting. Children are the greatest thing on this planet, however, caring for one as a single mom is a challenge.

A Professor once gave me this advice about sex. “Never sleep with a woman that you could not see as being the mother of your children.” We all know that was not the case in some of the relationships I had over the years, however to eliminate the chance of an unplanned event I stockpiled condoms. Hell, when I was in my early 20’s I think I purchased enough to give everyone at the Magnum plant a raise in pay. Lol!

There is nothing wrong with protecting yourself and making sure he’s the right one. Then planning on having the child as a family, yep, you and he. Families can be only two people you know.

Item #3: Locate a neutral place to reside together:

If a man requests that you and he move in together, don’t move into his apartment or allow him to move into yours. If you’re serious about it and he is as well, the two of you together go and locate a suitable neutral abode to begin your trial live-in.

However, and this is extremely important, discuss with him his expectations and explain yours to him. If you two accommodate one another, this thing could really work to both of your advantages and grow into the ultimate goal. If you fail to examine what you both expect your chances of success are quite slim. This is just a thought, but you may want to explain to him at this time that you have no plans of being a lifelong girlfriend and live-in lover. Just putting that out there, OK? Remember what your mom used to say, “Why buy the cow when he can get the milk for free?”

Item #4) Keep your Finances separate:

In the beginning do not under any circumstances intertwine your bills or credit. You should agree to pay your half and he his. The only thing that both of your names should appear on is the rental agreement.

You want to do this to give you an opportunity to see how he handles his finances. If  you intertwine your finances and share an account, it may affect your credit score.  If his score is low, you may get dinged or worse credit agencies may start calling you about his debts. This is a horrible thing to discover after you’re living together, but it happens.

Each of you should select a utility and place it in your own names, making sure that they pretty much are equal in the amounts you pay monthly.  To clarify this, you shouldn’t be paying $200 in cable bills and he’s only paying $70.00 for water and the electric bill. Understand?

Item #5) An Emergency Credit Card:

You should if possible obtain a credit card with a credit line of at least $500. This card is for emergencies only and you should only utilize it once a month. During this monthly usage, go out to dinner or purchase a pair of stockings or anything that you can pay the bill in full on its due date.

This practice keeps the card active and paying it off monthly helps your credit score. As i said above though, this card is for emergencies only! What I mean by this is that in the event you need to stay at a hotel after a severe argument, this is when you utilize it. Need to rent a truck to move out because the relationship is sour, use this card. In a sense, its a safety net.

If you’ve been setting aside money as in item number one and you have this emergency card you have your freedom intact. Regardless of the situation you can move on and any frustrations will be minimal at worst.

Conclusion:

Relationships are a risks, however that’s what makes them so much fun.  We also all know that without risk there is no possibility of reward. There is nothing wrong with hedging your bets by protecting yourself in the event that things don’t work as planned. By covering your bases, its a win-win scenario for you. As I wrote above, if it works out then you have this small nest egg that you can utilize for something else.  That something else could be whatever you want it to be, to include a nice Rolex for your new husband. I’m just saying. Men like nice gifts too.

The secret that men hope women never discover…..


“Women are going to form a chain, a greater sisterhood than the world has ever known.”
Nellie McClung

You meet a new guy and you love everything about him. He calls and your stomach gets knotted up, and when you’re around him you have butterflies. You cannot sleep because he’s always on your mind. Love, isn’t it grand?  There is nothing as precious as new love, you cannot get enough of it. The feelings you get are indescribable, and you feel like you’re about to burst with excitement.

Late at night you lay in bed and you think of every single moment of time that you spent with him during the day. You review every single word spoken and chastise yourself for not saying the right thing at the right moment of the conversation. You feel awkward, like you’re a school girl with a crush and he’s the big man on campus.

You cannot wait for the next day to see him and take in the aroma of his cologne and look into his eyes once again. Every time he brushes against you or slightly touches your hand you get weak in the knees and you blush uncontrollably.

You find it difficult to concentrate and eating is a second thought, your appitite is vertually gone and you often wonder if you’ll actually be able to eat in front of him when you go out on your long anticipated date.

Love, there is nothing like it is there? However, on the flip side these same emotions can describe the way women feel when they’re heartbroken. The two basic issues of course are lack of appetite and sleep, but of course your stomach gets knotted just the same. You also wonder if it was something you said or did and if you could have done things differently.

Now the issue here is how do you keep from ever feeling like the latter of these two emotions? How do we insure that you never have your heart and emotions drug through the mud while you shed tears that could have been prevented.

Did you know that women can protect their own hearts by simply doing one thing at the beginning of every relationship, even before you begin to act like a love struck schoolgirl. Before you place your heart in the hands of a person that you thought dropped out of heaven, but may have came from a much lower area, you should find out from where he really came.

“There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”
Madeleine Albright

Every man that you meet has a past. It’s that past that can determine your relationship fate. Before you throw caution to the wolves and fall head over heels in love with someone who may break your heart into, it behooves you to proceed with caution. Do your homework and attempt to discover who he really is and if possible, why?

It is amazing that more women don’t do what I am about to introduce you to, because if done properly it works to your benefit.  Its also the hidden secret that men never want you to discover. Its the inside information straight from the horses mouth that could sink them where they stand when they are dishonest.

What is this secret that make men tremble in their boots? The girl that held his heart before you! She holds all the secrets that can mean success or failure for you if you enter into a relationship with the man that makes your heart pound faster.

Now before you decide that this is not a route you would chose to take lets take a look at it from a different angle. Think about your last boyfriend, what could you share with another woman that could spare her a harsh break-up and a broken heart. Was he good to you? Did he cheat on you or god forbid, hit you. You hold valuable information that could assist another woman whom might be sitting at home right now with butterflies in her stomach over a man that you know to be a liar and a cheat. If you could save her from heartbreak and despair, why wouldn’t you. If you don’t, when the day comes that he rips her heart out or hurt her in any other manner, you are just as responsible as he is because you could have and should have warned her if she asked.

It amazes me that we tend to not inquire about the person that held our love interests heart until after we break up with them. We tend to believe what our partners say about them and as with nature we side with the one we’re with. That is until that day after our hearts have been broken into tiny pieces, we wonder if all that was told to us was actually true.

Then by chance you meet the person, and discover that they are nothing like the person you were led to believe they were. These meetings always end with you gaining a good friend and with them informing you that had you contacted them they would have warned you about your former partner.

In every relationship there are two sides to the story of why it ended, the side you’re hearing and the silent side. Isn’t it interesting that the side you’re hearing is always the fault of the silent side. But lets be real, how many men have you met that will confess to cheating, beating, stealing from or lying to their ex’s? Better yet, how many men have you met that will inform you that yes, they do have a current girlfriend while they attempt to seduce you?

These are all the more reason for you to seek out his former partner before you jump into a relationship with him. Now we all know that sometimes people make up lies and are deceitful when they have been heartbroken, but all you have to remember is that somewhere between those lies is the truth.

Now many of you are scratching your heads wondering, “How would you react if a strange woman approached you and inquired about your ex?” How would you respond? Hopefully, with dignity and respect as all adults should. If the relationship is over then its over, you both  should have moved on by now, so what could it really hurt to assist someone else?

If your ex was a great guy and things simply flamed out on your relationship, then wouldn’t it be wise to inform her of that fact. Would it seriously hurt you to offer her pointers in how she might make their relationship last? Hell, in actuality you know so much about him and if you chose to hold on to that information, then you are really doing a disservice to your ex and the female that’s interested in him, don’t you think?

Now, on the other hand if he was a total jerk and she needs to be warned about him it could be wise to do so. However, it should be done with tactfulness. Sit her down and ask her exactly what she wants to know? Put yourself in her shoes, if his ex before you had told you what you needed to know, would it have prevented your heartbreak? Could it have saved you from anguish and sadness? Would you have headed her warnings? Then ask yourself this, “Can you really walk away knowing that she is headed down a path to pain and refuse to help? Ever heard of karma?

This failure to assist one another is a prime example of why our society is decaying right now. It’s not my problem, so I don’t want to get involved is our new motto. Many times I have wondered what may have been if OJ’s ex before Nichole had informed her of what he was really like? Would Scott Peterson’s late wife have heeded a warning from another woman before choosing to marrying him? I know that these examples are extreme, or are they? However, what I am sure of is that each and everyone of you hold the key to the happiness or suffering of another woman. The only question that remains, is are you willing to share that key or not?

I know it would be awkward for someone to approach you about your ex, however these questions come in many forms. So the next time you get a friend request from your ex’s current girlfriend, don’t be so quick to dismiss it. There may be something that she wants to ask you but isn’t sure how to proceed.

If the thought of this make you uneasy there is another way as there always is. Visit my fellow bloggers site and you can post about your ex anonymously. This way any woman that is interested in him can locate the info she needs right there and no one will be the wiser. Also, while you are there, you can check up on your current beau, or someone you may have had you eye on. Its free, and although most of the comments are negative, like I stated earlier, somewhere between the two extremes, lies the truth.

So if you have the time or you’re simply curious, please visit www.cheateralert.com, you never know what you may discover or what you may be able to contribute to someone else s happiness.

8 Things you should never say to a man…… If you want to keep him


Sometimes, when we get just too damn comfortable too soon with a new person we tend to let our guard down and throw caution to the wind.  You have to understand that just because you feel comfortable with him doesn’t necessarily mean that he feels the same way about you. He may tell you he does, but then again he may be on the bubble with where your relationship is heading.

In my past I terminated several relationships because of a simple comment that just grated me to the point where regardless of how I tried I couldn’t get over. Looking back now, I agree I was really very shallow when it came to relationships. Now that I know this, I also understand that as a man, I am not alone and men that you have met or will meet may be shallow in the beginning as well.

With this knowledge, I figured it may benefit you to know that there are some things that you may not want to say, regardless of how comfortable you may feel in the beginning of the relationship.  However, as many of you probably know, once the relationship is defined and is solid then anything you say will not be held against you in the court of love.  (Ah, unless it’s a lie, then all bets are off.)

Moving on, lets get to “8 Things you should never say to a man, if you want to keep him!” (note: These are things that you may not want to say while you two are in the beginning stages of what you hope to be a long term relationship, ok?)

1) I want to be a stay at home mom;

  What men hear: She wants a rich guy to take care of her and do nothing but have kids. Men want partners and since for years women have preached equality, we expect you to help carry the load. Now on the other hand, if he is rich or on his way to being rich this may work out fine. However in this economy it’s all hands on deck and that means you as well.

2) I once dated my boss;

What men hear:  She’s looking for a man with power and if I am not it, it could be her next or current boss. Also, there is this old saying that you should never shit where you eat,  which means sleeping with the boss is not a smart move. Oh, and now we think about what her reputation in the office is like. Office gossip is brutal and she gave them a lot to work with. Time to move on suddenly sounds good for us.

3) I like women too:

What men hear:  Most of the men I have talked to regarding this type of situation informed me that in the beginning they thought that they had hit the jackpot. In the end they said they wish they had never known. Visions of three ways clouded their judgment. They all assured me that it was great and exciting when it first began because they had convinced themselves that it wasn’t cheating as long as it was only with women. Wrong!

How secure could he possibly be when he knows that his girlfriend is trolling for women with a higher success rate than he and his friends ever had? After awhile the excitement wears off and jealousy appears as with any relationship when a third person is introduced into the equation.

A woman once told me that there is no such thing as being bi-sexual. She said that people whom say that they are, really are saying that they are selfish sexually and its all about them. She went on to say that regardless of if they are with a man or woman, all they really care about is their own needs being met. I don’t know if she’s right or wrong on this  and I am not in a position to argue either way.

4) You are the biggest I have ever had;

What men hear: I have been with numerous men and I am checking sizes and discussing them with my girlfriends. We really don’t like to think about your sexual conquests to begin with, because in our minds you were a virgin when we met. You just killed that image with that one statement and to make matters worse you were probably just trying to make us feel good. Now we can’t shake the thought of you out of our minds, measuring privates of men lined up with towels wrapped around them. Ugh!

5) I have never done this before:

What men hear: With me! Especially if you suddenly take control right in the middle of it and seem to anticipate our every move. You should never utilize those words to a man especially if its while in bed. It’s equally bad if you just met him or you’ve liked him for awhile and its the first time you two have been alone and he talked you into bed.

Note: The funny thing about men, yours truly included is that women are right when they think that when it comes to sex, once we get an erection we stop thinking clearly. However, once that erection subsides we replay the whole conversation that got us into the situation to begin with. So, if you said something that didn’t bother us while we were trying to satisfy our needs it will jump out at us when clarity returns. This clarity period is a main reason for one night stands.

6) My last boyfriend did it like this:

What we hear: We are being compared to some guy who for whatever reason still occupies your thoughts. This is not good, because in order for us to feel comfortable with you, we’d like to think that only we occupy your thoughts. Not only that, but hell if he was so great, why are you with me?

7) We have to keep our relationship a secret:

What we hear: This is sometimes said when the parties are of different racial or economic backgrounds. Problem is that now he feels as though he’s good enough to sleep with but not good enough to be seen with. Yep, men don’t like this type of situation either. We start out saying that we can handle it, but in the end we hate it too. Remember the saying, “Forbidden things are sweeter”, they really aren’t.

8) You once tried to get pregnant:

What we hear: You want a baby and you may try to have one by us without our knowledge. This is a scary thought if we’re just beginning. Most men aren’t comfortable with the premise of having a child so quickly and you’ll notice that although you’re taking birth control pills, he still insist on wearing a condom as well. You know he’s uncomfortable if even with the condom on he still withdraws before ejaculation.

I guess I could actually add several other things not to say as well, but I’ll just list a few without commenting on them so you’ll know.

9)   I need a man to pay my bills.

10)  I had an abortion.

11) I was once with multiple men at once- You may want to keep this to yourself

12) I was a teenage prostitute.

14) I was molested.

15) I was in rehab, twice.

16) I had a eating disorder.

17) I used to cut myself occasionally.

18) I tried to commit suicide.

19) My last boyfriend is on death row.

20) I am awaiting sentencing.

The point I am trying to make is this. In relationships there should be no secrets if it is to blossom and grow. However, it is important that you get to know the person before you decide to tell them some things. When we are really comfortable with one another and we both know where its headed then anything you say will more than likely be forgiven. However, if you say them too soon they’ll be used solely as a reason to exit by menn who may not have wanted to be with you long term to begin with.

When we love someone and I am not talking about lust, but true love, we can accept the fact that we all have skeletons, or crutches in life. The things you say in the beginning that could make a man run, could actually bring him closer when he’s actually had the time to get to know you and love you for who you are.


10 Excuses men use to break-up with you


Last week I ran into a good friend whom I hadn’t seen for almost a month. The last time I had seen her she was beaming about her new boyfriend and how much she really liked him. Once our greetings were over I asked how her boyfriend was doing and instantly her facial expression changed.

I immediately recognized that something had occurred and waited for the tears to begin flowing. To insure that she didn’t fall apart in front of everyone there, I asked if she had time to go to Starbucks with me. She agreed and after receiving our drinks we settled down on a comfortable couch and she without any prodding on my behalf explained that the relationship had unraveled.

According to her things had been going great for the first few months and then she had noticed a change. A slight change at first and then he became distant and it had become noticeable.  She then went on to inform me that one day (while on the phone) she simply asked him if everything was OK between them and after a brief pause, (which she said made her heart skip a beat). He informed her that he felt that they just were not compatible.

She told me that day, that he went on to tell her that there were things that she did that he simply didn’t like. She said she inquired as to what things and she said that he rambled on about the way she acted with her friends and other none sense. When she asked why he had never brought this to her attention, he told her the following; “Because I think that you would have changed and it’s not fair that you change your personality just for me.”

She was very hurt by this and to add insult to injury, he gave her the standard line about wanting to remain friends and how if she didn’t mind he’d still like to hang out with some of her friends whom he’d grown to like. She told me that she was uncomfortable with the idea of remaining friends with him because as she put it, “He sure thought we were compatible while we were in bed together.”

During this conversation I was there solely to lend emotional support to a friend whom had been hurt. I kept my opinions and feelings to myself, because what she really needed was someone to listen to her so that she could get all of this frustration and anger off of her chest. I obliged her and listened to every single word. In the end we left Starbucks laughing as I had slowly moved the conversation into a different more positive direction, one about mutual friends and associates. However, I left her with this message “Some men simply do not know what they have, until later they discover it was what they had, and it’s too late to get it back.”

Driving away from the mall that day I thought about my friend and I thought about all of you and the heart breaks many of you may have suffered. I also thought about the callous way her boyfriend ended the relationship (over the phone) and the lame excuse he used to do it. I then thought about all of the excuses men utilize to break up with women, and believe me, they’re all excuses (or rather lies) because they don’t possess the intestinal fortitude to tell you the truth. So for this reason I give you, 10 Excuses men use to break up with you, and what they really mean.

10) I really need to focus on my future so being in a relationship is just not good for me right now.

Real meaning: I want out of this relationship because I am bored with you or I already have a new girlfriend in mind.

9) I am leaving for _(fill in the blank)__ in a few months and its best we end the relationship now so that you are not hurt when I am gone.

Real meaning: Before I get out of here I want to chase as many women (your friends included) as possible and I don’t want to have to argue with you about what I do before I depart. (If I actually leave because I really may not leave and if this is the case I just want to chase women without having to feel guilty)

8 ) I cannot get my ex-girlfriend out of my head. I am still in love with her and its unfair to you for us be together when I am thinking about her.

Real meaning: I didn’t care about her when I was with her, but if this excuse allows me to get out of being with you too, especially since I’ve already slept with you it’s cool.

7) You’re simply too good for me, you deserve someone better.

Real meaning: You won’t sleep with me and I am tired of wasting my time trying anymore. I also know that you’re not about to put up with my crap and I am not about to change so lets end this now so I can do everything I want without worry of reprisal. (Many times guys in this situation will hope that by breaking up with you, you’ll do anything to keep them, especially sleep with them for the first time. Then they’ll leave you anyway.)

6)  I cheated on you and you deserve better so I need to end this now. I was drunk and slept with someone else.

Real meaning: I have had my eye on someone else for quit some time now and finally I am getting closer. Her only sticking point is that I have a girlfriend, so if I get rid of you fast I can get with her. Nothing will make you drop me faster that admitting I cheated on you, at least I hope so anyway.

5) You cheated on me, so I am dumping you. I cannot be with you because every time I look at you I think about you being with him. (This really works on women if they drink and party a lot)

Real meaning: Sexually you have nothing else to offer and I’m not interested in being with a lush, so although this incident didn’t really happen, you’ll never know because you were passed out drunk and can’t remember anyway. By using this excuse you’ll blame yourself and I’ll be home free for my next conquest.

4) We’re not compatible so I think it’s better for us both to break up and move on. I still want to be friends though.

Real meaning: I was never really in to you. However, you filled my sexual void and now that I have my confidence back I am out of here.

3) You’re smothering me. I need my space to breath, so its best that we end this.

Real meaning: You have nothing more to offer me. It wasn’t smothering when I was at your place everyday begging you to sleep with me. Now that I have accomplished my objective, I am on to my next victim.

2) You’re too busy for me. I don’t want to get in the way of your career, so lets end it now before you get hurt.

Real meaning: The time you do have free for him interferes with the things he wants to do which is probably something you’d disapprove of. Also, if there is any truth to you being busy, he probably already has your replacement primed to go.

1) Nothing! (He lets you make up the excuse)

Real meaning: He simply stops taking your calls. He stops calling you and by chance if you do reach him he informs you he is busy. He swears he will call you back but you know he won’t. In the end, you realize that it’s over and you think of all the reasons why it died on your own. However, in reality he probably found someone else and didn’t have the guts to tell you. So by simply ignoring you he knew eventually you’d let go and both of you could move on. Especially him!

These are simply a few excuses men utilize to break up with women they once stated they loved. I am sure you’ve all heard them in one variation or another. If you can think of one that is not on this list, please place it in the comments section for others to read. Women can never have too much information to assist them in the relationships they have or may have in the future.

Why women should set goals for relationships


Almost everyone I know sets goals for everything they do in life, that’s why most if not all are successful. We as people set goals for life, business, school, sports and almost everything in between. Recently while looking at the goals I set for this blog (posted on my bathroom mirror) I realized that although I am close to achieving almost every single one I began to wonder, if goals are good for everything else in life why not for relationships?

Do women set goals for relationships? If you do, how successful have you been with it? I’d like to know, because if it works for you I think it would be great to share it with other women who may want to try it.

However, since this is something that just slapped me in the face while shaving I figured I’d share possible goals women could utilize for their relationships. I hope this helps someone out there to eliminate wasting time on hopeless men and years they’ll never get back in doing so. By following these guidelines it may get you to the perfect man in a shorter amount of time therefore avoiding all men that are simply just unworthy of you. So lets begin with setting goals for your relationship, OK?

Now, back to those goals we need to set. First off we’ve all seen women both friends, sisters, nieces, daughters and cousins who have been in long term relationships with men and they are no closer to getting married years later than they were when they first entered the relationship.

Honestly this is not good at least that’s my opinion on the matter. Why spend your youthful days on someone who has no intention of marrying you? People split up all the time and to waste five years on a man only for the two of you to break-up is crazy. That means for five long years you’ve been off the market and missed out on the chance to meet many single men whom would have loved nothing more that to have you as his wife and life mate. Unfortunately, you were tied up on a promise that never came. You know the promise, “Eventually, we’ll get married.” Hell, when? All those excuses about let’s finish our degrees, wait until we have enough money saved, I’m happy the way we are and my personal  favorite, “Why should we get married, we’ve been together longer than our friends and now they’re divorced?” All this is just a smoke screen for the real fact that he’s comfortable with you but he’s not about to make the ultimate commitment to show you and the world, how much.

How many of us know women whom have lived with a guy for a long time, helped him finish school or some other form of professional training with the hopes that when he had completed it they would get married? Only to have him complete it and then leave her to marry someone else? Probably all of us know someone just like this and it’s sad.

So for our short term goal lets start with this: Determine exactly how long you should stay with a person before you know if he’s marriage material or not. (Remember this is short term, so typically it should be six months to a year)

Lets look at this for what it’s worth. Why do you need a long term relationship to get married? We can look at this from two different perspectives, some say you should be with someone for several years before getting married, I don’t think so, I think a year, possibly two is a good time and I’ll tell you why.

If you spend three, four years with someone you know everything about them. You’ve heard all of their jokes, know their weaknesses and can finish their sentences. Love making is not new to you two, you’ve been doing it for several years now. What could you possibly have to talk about that could keep you interested in the first years of marriage? Probably nothing because you already know everything about one another.

Now, you take the same two people and they get married after one year. They have so much to talk about, they’re still learning about each other. Sexually they’re still exploring one another and it’s fun because now you live together as man and wife. I’ve been married for awhile now and my wife still tells me stories about her childhood that keep me on the edge of my seat with laughter. These stories were great for teasing my in-laws on their visits. Hell, if we went out for five years before we got married these stories and conversations would be old to me by now and the sexual aspect would have too.

So don’t let some guy with a promise of a ring turn you into a spinster. Refuse to let some idiot whom doesn’t know or possibly care that he’s wasting your youth and looks by stringing you along with the promise of marriage. If he was going to marry you, it really should have been done before you knew everything about him, his family, his distant relatives, his classmates and everything in between.

There are really no excuses for not marrying a woman you profess serious love for. Money cannot be an issue, because once you are married you can combine incomes and work together to save your nest egg. Buying a home? It cracks me up when some idiot tells me that first he wants to own a home before he gets married so they’ll have somewhere to stay. Whatever, first off why would you chose a home before you get married for a wife you don’t have? Then when you get a wife, what makes you think she will really like to live in the home that you expect her to help you pay for and gave her no opportunity to select? Just a thought.

So now, if you’ve committed giving 6 months to a year to determine this fact then you also need a second goal in order to shore up the first one. This goal will be to determine how long you are willing to wait to become engaged. If it takes approximately 6 months for you to know if he is actually a very good man and you two are definitely and item and feel the same for one another then a reasonable goal of  an additional 6 months to become engaged should be in order. This then becomes your intermediate goal.

For the long term goal which is the most important is the amount of time you will be willing to remain engaged and off the market before getting married which should be the ultimate objective. Oh, and remember this: “The goal is where we want to be. The objectives are the steps needed to get you there.” By my estimation and again this is simply my way of thinking, a reasonable amount of time between engagement to marriage is one year.  A year allows you and he to plan your marriage without rushing and have enough time to iron out any wrinkles in the process. More than a year to me (and again this is simply my thinking) is simply another stall tactic that will string you along again and again.

Now I understand that some women may not be ready for marriage, and that’s fine, its their choice, their right. However, I am writing this post for those of you who feel that living with a man for years without some clear defined plan for the future is simply unacceptable.

Yes believe me when I tell you that I do know that people get married and then divorced. I know it happens all of the time worldwide. I also know that from the female standpoint it would be much better to tell your next man that you were married and it didn’t work, as compared to well, we lived together for 9 years and then one day he told me he was in love with someone else.

The first statement the new man thinks, “Damn he must have been an idiot to let a beautiful woman like you get away!” If its the second statement, the same man will be thinking, “Damn, you must be an idiot to stay with a guy that long without a ring.” What would you like the next man (if there is one) to think about you?

By now many of you are thinking, should I let him know about my goals for my future? My answer is “You’re damn right you should.”  Before you ever jump into bed with him or commit yourself to a so called dating relationship. Now some of you will think that to mention marriage to a man you just started seeing is ludicrous. You think it will scare him off somehow, right. Well to this I say, B.S! The talk of marriage only scare men that have as their only goal to get you into bed.  Any real man will listen to you and your goals, think about them for awhile and decide if they are acceptable and realistic goals for him and his future as well. He won’t comment on them right away, he’ll think about them and you while he determines if you are the right one or not. This is cool, because your short term goal was to determine if he was marriage material or not anyway.

Note: It is very important for you determine before ever sleeping with a man you like or have feelings for if you two are in a relationship or not. You do this by asking; “Are we officially a couple now, or is this something you just want to do?” Asking him this way gives him an out, in the event that all he wanted was sex. It gives you an out as well, because if he is honest enough to tell you the truth he may be worth still getting to know without compromising your honor and integrity. Most importantly though, you cannot stick to your goal timelines if you don’t know exactly when you started dating.

All of this of course is simply a thought that hopefully assist many of you. However, before you decide if setting a relationship goal for yourself I suggest taking a look at your current relationship. How long have you been together? A year, two, five or more, where is it headed? Will he ever marry you or are you content with being his live in lover forever or until he decides to move on? Look at your friends relationships as well and ask yourself where they are going in it.

Question, how many of you have been in long term relationships only to break-up and your ex married his next girlfriend within a year? This happens a lot, women break a man in and the next woman benefits from all of your hard work and suffering. By suffering, I mean the heartbreak associated with breaking up after many years of being together, and then again because he is now married and you’re in another long term relationship. When will it end? I tell you when, the day you decide to set goals for your relationship future. It can’t hurt, can it?

Oh, and one final lifetime goal: To remain married until death do us part, amen!

Why having his baby won’t make him stay….a story


So you’re lying in bed and you’re not sure what to do anymore. You’ve told him how much he means to you and it still feels like every single day that he is drifting further and further away from you. Everyday, you talk with him and he says everything is fine, that he simply needs some space and that he’s been busy.

You ask if he is going to break up with you and he swears that he is not, but you’re not convinced are you? You call him several times throughout the day and he doesn’t answer, later when he calls you (much later) he tells you that he was busy and couldn’t answer the phone.

You ask if you and he could spend some time together alone, maybe a short trip to another city, like a mini vacation. He says it sounds like a great idea and the thought of you planning it and paying for it makes it even more appealing to him. However, a day or so later he pulls out and informs you that this is simply not a good time for him to go on a trip, especially with work or school and all.

It seems like a million years since he would jump through hoops just to hear the sound of your voice, or to spend 15 minutes just to see you smile. Remember when he hated his job (or school) and he used to complain about how it interfered with the time he wanted to spend with you? Things have changed, haven’t they? Now he seems to have no time for you and when he does he looks preoccupied and in a hurry. Even sex that you two used to enjoy so much seems like a chore to him, and foreplay, whatever happened to that?

Your relationship is sinking and it appears that he already has a life vest on, unfortunately he has the only one. You really, really don’t want to lose him because you love him so much. You’ve been through so much together and you can’t fathom life without him, but what on earth can you do to keep him and save your relationship?

Then one night (or day) it comes to you. Others have done it and you convince yourself that it can work for you as well. So you go into the bathroom and you dump every single birth control pill you have into the toilet and you flush them down.

He doesn’t know it but when he finds out several months later he will be both surprised and excited. You two have talked about starting a family and now seems like the perfect time. He’ll never leave you then, you can be sure of it. He’s too good of a man to leave his family behind.

You’re really excited now, the thought of you, he and the baby as a family is all you can think about. You start looking for names for the baby, Beth if it’s a girl or Michael if it’s a boy (after his father of course). You’re almost giddy with excitement. Not wanting to spoil it by telling him your plans, and having to share it with someone, you tell your best friend. At first she’s shocked at what you’ve decided to do and she plays the devils advocate, only you think she’s simply trying to see if you know what you’re doing. In the end you convince her too that it’s a wonderful idea and that it’ll make you and him very, very happy forever. However, you leave out the fact that your boyfriend has no idea that he’s about to become a father, she didn’t need to know that tidbit of information. She now assumes that you’ll be getting married soon. It’s good that you made her pinkie promise not to tell anyone until you said it was OK.

He has been very busy and you haven’t seen him in about a week. It’s not like him to stay away that long, so you decide you’ll go to his house late at night and surprise him with the new Victoria Secrets lingerie you purchased just for the occasion. He opens the door to find you standing there in a trench coat and although he’s surprised (not happy) that you showed up, he invites you in.

You talk for a while and when he inquires about the trench coat, you dramatically stand and open it to reveal a teddy in the color that you know he loves. His eyes widen just as you thought only he quickly looks past you and you realise that there is someone else in the room. You turn to see another woman standing in his bedroom doorway wearing nothing but a t-shirt (one that you bought last year for him) and a look of confusion.

He tries to tell you something but you don’t hear anything as you run out the door to your car. he doesn’t even have the dignity to chase after you. You sit in your car parked on the street and you feel almost nauseous. Now you can see clearly, you don’t know why you missed all the signs. His inattentiveness, always being too busy, declining the trip you planned, too tired to make love to you, always in a hurry to leave when he came to see you. It was all there in front of you and you simply refused to see it for what it was worth.

You are startled by the sound of your alarm clock ringing and you roll over and instead of hitting the snooze button you set upright in bed. That was a hell of a dream and it has you still shaking as you try to get the cobwebs out of your head. While brushing your teeth, you think about your relationship with him and how it has changed over the last few months. Yes you love him, but getting pregnant for the sake of keeping him around, that’s asinine and you know it.

On the way to work you think about the ramifications of having a child this way, without him knowing it and you come to the conclusion that its simply not fair. It’s not fair to him, you and definitely not the baby, who deserves to come into this world with two loving parents who love one another as well.

You’re getting that nauseous feeling again, this time just at the thought of your dream and the thought that many women have done such a thing all for the sake of holding onto a man. You conclude that this is a selfish act and you make a promise to yourself that you would never allow yourself to ever consider such an act for any man.

On your way home from work your boyfriend calls. He starts by telling you the same old tired story about how busy he is or how school has him studying so hard. You listen and when there’s a pause, you without warning inform him that you don’t need him anymore. You tell him that you’ve known for months that there is no way he could simply be that busy but you chose to say nothing at the time.

You tell him that he doesn’t have to worry about lying to you anymore about his busy schedule and he can do whatever he wants. You inform him that he is free to date, fall in love with any woman he chooses with the exception of you. You explain to him that you’ve waited long enough and since he doesn’t have the intestinal fortitude (guts) to end it then you will. You hang up and of course he calls back and you decide to turn your phone off.

When you get home you call your best friend and ask her out to dinner. Now you have a crazy story to tell her, only this time there will be no devils  advocate role for her to play. You now know that getting pregnant will not make any man stay with you or any woman. All it will do is create a miserable existence for three people because of the selfishness of one.

9 Types of men you should never date


I get really good letters from women from around the world and I do my best to answer them all. Sometimes I receive one and it inspires me to write a post on it. Last week I was written to by a 19-year-old girl from Russia whom asked me this question. “Are there certain types of men women should not date?”

That was a very good question and after thinking about it for the last few days I decided to create a list for her. However, since I figured it could benefit my other readers as well I decided to post it here. While coming up with this list I decided to create it by taking into account all of the sorry ass men I have known in my life (to include the former me) and all of their characteristics.

I added to what I know by including information I have received about some so-called men from readers just like you, whom have unfortunately fallen prey to some of the dredges of society worldwide. Hopefully this information will assist some of you in the future and keep you from becoming victims of men who could really care less about you, but are good at faking their true feelings.

If any of the men I describe in this post reminds you of a former or even current boyfriend, please let us know by posting a comment. With that said, lets move on to this post:

9 Types of men you should never date:

#1- The Selfish Man: Selfish men can be described in a variety of ways. However, regardless of how you chose to describe them it all comes back to the same meaning, it’s all about them. Every single aspect of your relationship will be dictated by his quest to fulfill his own needs. From sex to support you will always be second when it comes to his needs being taken care of. You’ll quickly discover that with this type of man you are simply there to please him and to hell with you. Some women liken relationships with these types of men as fulfilling as playing second fiddle to a mistress.

Selfish men are the types of guys whom while you work hard to put food on the table he spends the day playing video games with his friends. To top that off, when you get home he expects you to cook for him and his friends. He’s the guy who when he takes you to dinner, you pay.

A selfish man is the guy who refuses to come and see you on his day off, but always has time to go hang out with his boys. He’s also the guy who lives by the mantra that he can do as he please in the relationship, however he criticizes you for what you do.

The selfish man is the guy who will not open your car door, help you carry groceries, never assist you with chores, he spends his money on what he likes but makes you explain what you purchased with yours. The list goes on and on, so I know you get my point.

#2- The Possessive Man: Where have you been? Why are you late coming home? You cannot wear that in public. Why do you need to go see your family? Welcome to some of your dating experience with a possessive man. Sadly though, these are just some of the negative things you’ll endure dealing with men of this type. They have also been known to be extremely jealous, aggressive and tend to have violent outbreaks. These outbreaks eventually will be aimed at you, especially if he fears that he may lose you. Women like to be loved, however when that love takes on a whole different meaning then there is a serious problem. What starts out as a mistaken case of jealousy could land you in a relationship where you are someones possession, just like a car, clothes, computers and more. Possessions that can be destroyed in a fit of anger.

Hey remember OJ? Drew Peterson? Or any of  the other idiots whom went out and killed their wives, these are all possessive men. In the beginning his hints of jealousy is cute, in the end unfortunately it could be dangerous as well. Think about that the next time a boyfriend demands to know where you are or gets animated when you arrive home simply because you arrived later than he thought you should have. You also might want to pay particular attention when he attempts to separate you from your family and friends. If this happens, you may want to take this opportunity to get out of the relationship while you still can, and make sure that you let family members and friends know why you got out of this situation. Also, when some friend or family member tries to explain his behavior away by reminding you that he was just worried about your safety and that he loves you, tell them to date him and leave you the hell alone!

#3- The Dreamer: This list includes men whom capture you with their aspirations to be “Rock Stars”,” Actors”, “Rappers” or some other type of star that will make them tons of money and unfortunately leave you out in the cold. These men will do whatever it takes to get what they want out of life with the exception of holding down a steady job to assist you with keeping a roof over your heads or putting food on the table.

        I wish I had a nickle for every woman I’ve ever met that wound up on a stripper pole because a dreamer assured her that the large sums of cash she’d make would help him get to the top so much sooner. Five years later and while she’s sliding around on strange mens laps to make a buck, he’s at home still no closer to becoming a star than when they first met. He on the other hand probably now has a drug addiction (because somehow he thought drugs would do for him what you couldn’t, inspire him) and he is probably spending more money than you could ever bring in, even if that club was open 24 hours a day.

       Now, don’t get me wrong, occasionally one of these low life’s make it to the big time. However, guess who won’t be going with him? That’s right, you! Yep, as soon as he gets a taste of the good life he doesn’t need you anymore or any of the children you allowed him to (father, nope not a good word, lets say have) with you.

       Oh and the main reason he’ll leave you behind? Because he’s just like the man I described above, he’s selfish!

#4- The Jail Bird:
Who in their right mind would have anything to do with a man who simply cannot keep his life straight? This nonsense happens all the time and it’s simply without a doubt, STUPID! Life is hard enough without taking on the extra baggage of a man who is in trouble with law enforcement. There is nothing more devastating than having the local PD kick your door in at five o’clock in the morning and haul his sorry ass to jail while you stand there in your bath robe holding a crying 3-year-old.

These types of men are simply selfish, they only think about themselves and what the world can do for them. I can understand a single brush with the law, however multiple brushes are unacceptable. With a man like this you will never, ever, have a normal relationship, period! How can you when he’s in and out of jail.

It sickens me when men walk around trying to be hard. Whatever, hard is getting your sorry ass out of bed every morning to go to a real job. Hard is doing whatever it takes to keep your parents name clean. Hard is taking care of the woman you say you love by being there for her every single day, not just when you’re out on parole.

Sometimes I think that these men are actually closet homosexuals. Think about it, what man in his right mind wants to be surrounded by nothing but men for months on end with no females in sight. Then to get out of jail and a few months later they’re right back in, please!

#5- The Party Animal: It’s ok to go out and have fun every now and then, but if you get the wrong man, he may want to make everyday a party. That shit may be cute in College, but in the real world it’s B.S. I know guys whom have graduated College and landed great jobs, only to be fired for something as simple as a piss test.

Going out with his boys every night is childish. When a man has a beautiful woman whom wants nothing more to spend quality time with him, why in the world would he want to be out with a bunch of hard legs (men)? Moderation is the key and if he doesn’t understand that then he has no self-control and furthermore he lacks what you really need as his woman. Do you know what that is? It’s the ability to commit. If he was really intent on committing to you and only you, then he really has no reason to spend all of his time being the life of the party.

Guys like this crack me up because generally they come home unannounced, only to find that his girl had tired of his parting and gallivanting around as if he wasn’t in a relationship. In his absence she replaced him with someone a little more stable and then the party animal realises that the party is over and he’s heartbroken as if it’s her fault. Go figure. My brother once told me that women have needs, wants and desires, and if you’re not there to fulfill them, someone else surely will. I believe that to this day.

#6- The Player: Ah, the player, the guy who spends all his money on matching sweat suits and high-priced sneakers. He drives around in a BMW with a payment higher than most peoples mortgage, while he lives at home with his mom or other family member.

He’s the guy with the reputation and most women will ignore the warnings figuring that they will be different from every woman who has fallen before them. Wrong! The car looks fly and the gear he is wearing is off the chart, but underneath all of that glitz he’s still a loser.

Let me break it down for you in a manner in which anyone can understand, ok? Any man who spends 40 thousand dollars or above for a car and rents his home is a fool. Why, you may ask? Well, lets look at it this way, a vehicle is not an investment. The day you drive it off the lot, it depreciated 15%. So using 40 thousand as a marker, after signing the paper, handing over your cash and getting the keys to your brand new car, once you stick that key into the ignition it is now worth 34 thousand dollars if you tried to trade it in. Also since he’s driving this expensive car and renting his place to stay (providing he’s not staying with mom) he’s receiving no tax credits for paying someone elses mortgage. That’s what I call insane, and you and I see it every single day! Looks cool on the surface as these guys slowly drive by trying to get your attention, but underneath its pure lunacy.

Now, if he was an intelligent man this is what he would do. He would purchase his home first and even in this economy it’s easier most times to get a home loan than a car loan. This way he now is a home owner and he has a substantial investment. It doesn’t even have to be a single family dwelling, it can be an apartment. Either way he will receive a tax credit each and every year. Once he has his home secured then he purchases the vehicle, and since he’s a home owner it doesn’t have to be an expensive one at that. Why? Because which would you rather have a man with a Mercedes who lives with his mom or roommates? Or the man who drives a Honda and owns his own place? Make sense?

The man who subscribes to purchasing items for the future may look boring on the surface, but he understands that planning for his future wife and offspring are paramount to a happy and successful family. Doing it the other way around, not planning and living in the moment of simply looking good is a disaster for you as a woman to attempt to unravel later. Do you want to waste that much of your time?

#7- The Mammas Boy: It’s ok to love your mom, don’t get me wrong but when you allow your mother to dictate to you who you should date it’s a serious problem. Now my mother knew that she could have input into my dating selection, however that’s all it was, input. The final decision came down to me. Her feelings on this was simply, as long as I was happy, so was she regardless of whom I selected.

I’ve known people whom have been exiled out of families because of the woman they chose to date. It sounds crazy but it happens. However, when these issues happen I blame the man because as a man he hasn’t shown his mother that he is capable of making a sound decision on his own. He’s failed to show her that he is an adult and that this is his life and the woman he chose should be accepted because he and only he has the right to decide who is good enough for him.

I know moms mean well, however she needs to understand that if she is not happy with his selection then she too is at fault because he is simply working off of the values she instilled in him.

As a man, if he cannot take you home to meet his mom because of your color, nationality, religious beliefs or any other reason then he is not a man, he’s simply pretending to be. As a woman, why would you share your bed with a man who doesn’t have the intestinal fortitude (guts) to inform his mom and family that you are the one that makes him happy and you are the one that he will be keeping. Further telling them that they need to accept this fact and treat you as his girlfriend/wife in the manner in which he demands you be treated.

If he cannot do that for the love of you, then you need to kick his sorry ass to the curb because he is exactly the type of man you want to avoid, a mammas boy, pretending to be a man. She raised him, she needs to accept his decisions on who his mate is.

#8- The Seed Spreader: I call these guys this because they have children everywhere. I know a young woman and one day while working together a few years ago she introduced me to her then boyfriend. He was a pretty nice guy and she was really in love with him. A few months later she was pregnant and while pregnant she became really moody one day and began to vent her frustrations to me. It came out that he couldn’t keep a job and it was driving her crazy, especially since they had a child coming. I inquired as to what the problem was and she confided in me that he had five other children by three different women and whenever he got settled into a job the State would find out and garnish his wages leaving him with basically no pay. So to combat this he would simply quit and move on to another job, so he could receive some money before the State discovered and took it all for back child support.

I had to ask if she knew about this before deciding to have a child with him? She informed me that since they had only recently moved in together she had just discovered this issue and it was driving her insane.

Why any man would father children with multiple women is a mystery to me. However, the bigger mystery is why women would even consider a man whom are in this situation? There is no future to be had with any man whom has allowed himself to fit this label. In today’s society whenever you are offered a job in most states they have you sign a document informing them if you are responsible for paying child support or not. If you lie on the form, once the Department of Human Services catch up with you (they monitor your social security number) and it is determined that you are supposed to pay child support then the company can terminate you for lying on your initial application.  So unless he has mad skills and makes a shit load of money, chances are he’ll never have enough to take care of you and any children you may have.

This type of reckless behavior causes havoc in all the participants lives, especially the women and children he left behind. These types of people is exactly why I cannot stand to watch “Maury”, because in reality Maury Povich is reckless too. What his ass should be doing is not only conducting paternity tests but he should be making his guest undergo AIDs testing as well. Com’ on could you really date a guy who may be one of eight to have fathered some girls baby? Damn, just thinking about that makes me want to run and take a shower.

#9- The Victim: Ever had a boyfriend who thought the world was out to get him? His ass was always complaining about why he couldn’t get ahead and it was always someone elses fault. He didn’t get a raise because he was a white male, or a black man. Never once will he tell you the truth and tell you that he didn’t get the job because he’s lazy as hell and will not do what it takes to get ahead.

He gets pulled over by a cop and although the windows of his car are tinted, he complains that because of his race or ethnicity he was profiled. Even though you both know that the cop had no idea who was driving because he couldn’t see in the damn car.

This type of guy is always the victim and it’s always someone elses fault. He always complain that because he refuses to kiss ass at work they won’t promote him, or the guy that got promoted plays golf with the boss. He’ll attempt something like start his own business and if it doesn’t succeed he’ll blame God before he’ll assume responsibility of its failure.

To him success or failure is based on luck. “Oh he’s just lucky is what he’ll say whenever something good happens to a friend or relative. He’ll go through his whole life (and yours too if you let him) making excuses for his own failures without ever accepting responsibility.

So the next time he calls someone who he should compliment, lucky. You tell him this, “The formula for luck, is when preparation meets opportunity.”

I hope that this list will assist some of you  and help you avoid some real sorry men within our society. Love is blind, I know, however in the beginning, just for a minute before you lose your sight, you may see some of  the characteristics in him that you read here today. If you do, I hope you have the presence of mind to take a step back and view him in a different light, because the next step that you take could be one that harms you or saves you from heartbreak or worse. I hope you make the wise decision. Good luck all.

10 Situations that Scream, “He’s a Dog!”


Happy New Year! I hope all of you enjoyed a very Happy New year and that you have stuck to the resolutions that you made during this period. I simply hope that your resolution for the New Year wasn’t to give up on men because by condemning all men due to the actions of one is foolish.

As I have said before and I will state it again, “There are good men out there for each and every one of you.” The problem most times is that women tend to settle and at times you settle for the wrong guy.

With that said, I figured today I would give you a list that will make the wrong men a little less harder to identify. Hopefully this list will be beneficial to you and your friends and assist you ladies in narrowing down the search for true love, unconditional love.

So ladies, grab a cup of coffee or your favorite drink and lets look at the 10 Things that Screams, He’s a Dog!” Hopefully you’ll find it entertaining, insightful and educational.

10 Situations that Scream, “He’s a Dog!”

Lesson #1:

He asks for your phone number and you just met:
If this happens to you or has happened to you the results were probably less than positive. You’re so excited that this cute guy whom you have just only met is interested in you, wow! However, during this excitement you failed to think about several important elements.

OK, you know you’re beautiful (or you should anyway) and if this guy is so cute or handsome, why doesn’t he have a girlfriend? Or does he? Now that you have time to think and breath, think about this. If he asks for your number, the chances that he already is involved with someone raises significantly. By obtaining your number, he can control when he talks to you without running the risk of being found out by his significant other.

Another thing that most women fail to recognize immediately is that he possibly didn’t ask if you were in a relationship. If you are and he still requested the number, he has little respect for you, your mate and the sacred right of being in a monogamous relationship.

However, if you are in a relationship and you even entertained the idea of giving him your number then you too have little respect for the above.

During this exciting faze you also probably overlooked the ease that it took for him to ask you, a woman that he doesn’t know for your number. What you should have thought automatically was that, he’s done this before and has had a lot of practice. Which means that you’re not as special to him as you think, in reality you’re simply available at this time.

Think about these things the next time someone you don’t know or barely know asks for your number, there are many things you should think about beside the fact that he’s cute or not.

If you are unattached and actually a little interested, try this to balance things out. Instead of giving him your number, ask if it is possible that you can have his number instead. This serves two purposes, one being that if you’re interested you don’t have to sit around waiting to see if he will call. Also, meeting men is like buying a dress. It looked good in the store, however when you get home you may not like it as much. So by getting his number you don’t have to worry about avoiding his calls if you change your mind later.

Above all this, by asking him for his number you get the opportunity to watch his body language and actions. If he has a significant other he’ll probably give you some lame excuse about how he lost his cell phone so you should call his mothers house or his home phone. All the while he’ll begin to fidget as he tries to weasel his way through a load of B.S.

Regardless, if you take the number and call him and another woman answers the phone, don’t hang up. If she asks who you are, tell her the truth, that being that he asked you to call him. If she says that she is his wife or girlfriend, explain to her that you meant no harm and had he informed you that he was attached you would not have accepted the number. End the conversation by apologizing for the call and inform her that you will not be calling again. Be polite and place yourself in her shoes, how would you feel. If she asks questions, answer them as best you can and overlook her rudeness because it will change from anger to thankfulness in a matter of minutes. You have nothing to hide and you just met him so you also have nothing to lose. She’s really not mad at you anyway, it’s him that her anger is directed at as it should be.
Lesson # 2:

 He’s trying to impress you with his Car:


Cars! There I said it. Some men still think that if they have a nice car that they can have any woman that they chose. It’s as though this automobile instantly transforms them into a chick magnet and it gives them the courage to approach any woman without fear of rejection.

Sounds crazy doesn’t it? However, crazy things work too in the world of men. It appears funny that any man would equate what he drives with his ability to attract women, but sadly it many times works!

How many times have you and your girlfriends driven through the park on a nice sunny day because you know that men will be out waxing their cars? In cities all across the U.S., when spring arrives, the sun begins to shine and the flowers and tress start to bloom, young people flock to parks everywhere. Girls in shorts walk through the grass as young men shirtless, wax their pride and joy while music blasts out of their sound systems.

Unfortunately, before actually seeing the guy women actually notice the car and it becomes a magnet and at the least a reason to start up a conversation.

We’ve all pretty much done this at some point in our young life. Hell, my very first vehicle out of High School was a pristine British Sports car and second to the fact that I was a College Basketball player this car played a big part in the amount of women that scored with.

Today, nothing has changed. I listened in as my son and his friends harped on and on about how when they were old enough they were going to by Mercedes, Lexus and Corvettes because they knew that this would help them with the ladies.

Not all women are that gullible to date a man based on his mode of transportation, however unfortunately there are some. So when you are in a conversation with a man and he attempts to steer you in the direction of asking him what he drives, you now know why? His aim is to impress you with 22″ rims and a sound system to die for, all in the hopes that it will make him appear worthy enough to separate you from your clothes.

I say this because chances are that he loves that car more than he will ever possibly love you. Why? Because that car makes him popular and it attracts young immature women who don’t know any better and because they don’t he can have his way with them. Can you do that for him? Or better yet, would you? I didn’t think so.

So the next time you look at the car first and the guy second, think about this, you’re not the only woman that could possibly fall into this trap and he knows it too.

 Lesson # 3:

 You live in the same town, but after two months he still hasn’t introduced you to his family:

When you fall in love you really want to share that feeling with everyone. Friends, family and the whole damn world is supposed to share in your bliss. Men are the same as women in this respect, with the exception that they tend to introduce you to their friends first.
Note: We do this because we want them to envy us over just how damn beautiful you are!
Once we’ve wallowed in that ecstasy and gotten not only our friends seal of approval we tend to feel it’s time for you to meet the family. This entire process shouldn’t take any longer than 30 days. Because in the beginning of a relationship we tend to spend every waking moment with you allowing us the opportunity to see you from all sides. If you’re a keeper, you’ll meet the family right around the 60 day mark, barring that they actually live in the same area code, if not it could be a little bit longer.
If you and your man have been together for longer than 60 days and he hasn’t introduced you to family and friends all of whom live in the same city, you have a problem you might want to address.
Unfortunately men don’t introduce the woman they profess love of to people that they are related to or friends with for the following reasons: 1) they feel differently about the relationship then they are actually telling you. 2) you are not the only woman they have; 3) for whatever reason they are uncomfortable with you, your looks, weight, color etc; 4) they are not planning on keeping you around; 5) he is simply using you.
I am sorry to have to tell you those things but it’s the truth. Think about it, when you meet a nice guy, you probably cannot wait to share your happiness with friends and family, right? Men are no different unless he’s guilty of one of the above reasons for not performing the introductions.
However, if he’s a dog like I once was, it is also possible that he cannot introduce you to his mom until he’s positively sure you are the one. Here’s why; you bring too many women home to meet your mom and she automatically knows whom you’ve become as a man. Mothers are quick to acknowledge the obvious and have been known to inform their sons not to bring another woman home to meet her unless it is his wife! I know this because I received this exact instruction from my mom after replacing several girlfriends in a short period of time.
Mothers are women too, and although they love their sons they seldom condone the type of behavior that many of us display in regards to the women we date. The next time i took a woman home with me was years later and yes, she was my wife and remains my wife to this day.

Lesson # 4:

 You’ve met his male friends but none of their girlfriends:

Why would a man whom professes his love for you take you out to bars to meet his male friends and none of their girlfriends or wives are present? Because there is a good chance that his friends girlfriends or wives don’t know one another either.
Women talk to one another and trust me, the last thing he wants is to introduce you to his friends girl on the chance that she may say, “You do know he has another girlfriend too?” He also doesn’t want to run the risk of you becoming friends with women whom know what he’s really like and his past. The past he wants you to hear is the one that he fabricates for your ears only.
Oh, and by the way where are his friends girlfriends? They’re at home or out with friends just as you will be months later when he decides to go out with his friends. So prepare yourself to be isolated and alone in this relationship just as his friends girlfriends are as well.
Oh, and he only introduced you to his friends to boast about the new girl he just obtained for his collection.

 Lesson # 5:

 His female cousin give you strange looks:

Not every girl that you see is going to be related to him. Regardless of what he says some of them are either ex’s or friends and relatives of ex’s that he’s known for years. Occasionally, you’ll meet a cousin and she’ll give you a strange look too, but that really because she’s trapped. She’s trapped between her loyalty to him as his relative and her bond with you as a member of the female race. She will at times give you a look that you interpret as disapproval, however it’s really a warning sign. She hopes that this simply gesture will cause you concern enough to question it. The sad thing is women rarely do, and when they do they question it to their man who is quick to point out that his cousin is always like that and she doesn’t like anyone. He may even tell you that she is like that because he used to date her best friend and since the break-up she likes none of his girlfriends.
The next time you stumble into a situation like this, don’t run from it. Befriend her and more than likely she’ll try to protect you and if you become close enough she’ll tell you everything you really need to know about him.

Lesson # 6:

 When you leave his apartment he always reminds you of something you almost left behind:

You ever been in a relationship and while leaving after spending the night he runs out to the car or calls you on your cell phone to remained you that you left something behind? Did this happen on more than one occasion?
If it did occur to you it was probably something insignificant to you, something you could do without for the day such as a brush, comb, eye liner, or scrunchy. The reason I say this is because generally it’ll be something that only a woman would have and the reason he doesn’t want you to leave it behind is so that no one else will see it and question him.
If he has allowed you to leave a tooth brush there, you’ll notice that the next time you arrive it’ll be neatly placed away out of sight. You can bet it won’t be on the counter in the holder next to his where you left it days before.
These are all classical signs that you are not the only woman that he entertains there and he wants no questions about who else has been spending time with him. The easiest way to assure himself that this will not happen is to sanitize the place upon each female departing.
Women notice anything that seems out of place and for a bachelor to have a female hair brush in his cabinet or a hair bow could lead to loads of questioning.
So if you haven’t been in this type of situation yet, hopefully you’ll be able to identify it if it happens to you.

Lesson # 7:

He lives alone, but he has feminine hygiene products in his bathroom:

Men who deal with a plethora of women are like Boy Scouts, they are always prepared. You go to his place and you’ll find everything from feminine hygiene products, bikinis, Teddy’s and more in several different colors styles and sizes.
Ever went to a guys house for the first time and he asked if you’d like to go swimming? Of course you didn’t bring a bikini because you had no idea that this was a possibility, right? Well when he asked, it was really a loaded question to begin with.
You see the idea is this, we generally ask after you’ve had several drinks so your inhibitions have lowered. He’s hoping that it’s at the point where he can convince you that you really don’t need one since it’s only you and him. He’s hoping that you agree since you already told him you like to swim. However, if you balk at this skinny dipping opportunity he’ll change up on you and offer you a t-shirt to cover yourself (which we all know becomes transparent once wet, right?).
If you balk at this offer as well he’ll suddenly remember that his cousin (female of course) purchased a couple of bikinis and left them before she ever had a chance to wear them and lucky for you they just might be in your size. Now lets go swimming!
It’s funny now, but in reality this whole thing was simply an exercise in separating you from your clothes and in a mans mind, less is more.
When living alone and dealing with multiple women men have been known to have products to cover any situation that may arise in the course of an evening, however when you live with him he has to constantly run to the store because he’s seldom prepared for anything, go figure.
So you go to his apartment and he has battery sizes for every single sex toy you could imagine, live with him and during a power outage he has to go to the store to get batteries for a flashlight, ha,ha. I know, I spend more time now jaunting back and forth to pick up things that years ago I kept in stock in the back of my closet as a single man.
Lesson # 8:

He never spends a full night at your place:

Ever have that guy who is kind, gentle and treats you like a queen? You call him and he comes running to bring you whatever you need or request. However, when he comes over to spend time with you he never spends a complete night. He may stay and make love to you until you’re both exhausted but before 5 am he’s whispering that he has to get up and go home.
He’ll give you all types of excuses about having a big meeting that morning or having to let his dog out, or how he simply cannot get comfortable enough in your bed to fall completely asleep.
You can’t go to his house because he has already laid the ground work by telling you that he either lives with his Mom, or has a apartment full of room mates and either way it’s disrespectful for you to be placed in that type of situation. Right?
However, if you examine these statement a little closer you’ll discover they may not be true at all. He may not actually live with his mom, and yeah he may share an apartment with several room mates but he also may have someone else that expects him to be a certain place at certain times, like with her.
If he can’t get comfortable in your bed, hell, ask him to purchase one for your place that he can get comfortable in. If you and he are really in a monogamous relationship then there is really no excuse for his inability to spend complete nights with you if this is what you’d like. It’s nice to be able to see the person you love when you wake up laying beside you. To be able to share breakfast together and begin your day together before you depart for work and the stress it may entail.

Lesson # 9:

He suddenly becomes busy during the weeks that you have your menstrual:
When you are in a relationship but you don’t live together it leaves plenty of time to get into things that you shouldn’t. Sometimes women provide even more free time to men whom are already roaming freely and unsupervised by making this simple statement; “Oh, I just started my period, so you can go out with friends if you want.”
Women, you make this statement you simply tell your man that you feel that he only comes by when you can make love to you and that you’re alright with this fact.
Menstrual or not he should be with you, don’t you think. If sex is the only reason he comes by then quite frankly you don’t have much of a relationship to begin with.
So if he choses not to come around during this time of the month, just because you may be out of commission doesn’t meant other women are and this may be his opportunity to play with them, and your statement may have just made it easier.

 Lesson # 10:

He will not hold hands with you in public:

Some people consider holding hands or other public displays of affection childish behavior. It’s not, it is really a sign of togetherness, being a couple, in a relationship. Now I don’t mean going to the mall and groping one another or displaying long wet kisses, I mean small pecks and occassionally holding hands.
If the guy you are dating tells you that he simply doesn’t like holding hands, he’s full of shit. Holding hands for men goes back to our grade school days and we enjoy it just as much as you do. It’s our little way of letting all other men know that you are not only with us, but you are ours.
When a man says that he doesn’t like to hold hands or appears uncomfortable holding hands with you, chances are that he doesn’t want anyone to know that you two are an item. Remember, it’s easy to explain to your real girlfriend or wife that I went to the mall with a female friend. However, it’s hard to explain that same situation when we were spotted holding hands while we walked through the mall.
I find it interesting that women don’t find it odd that the same man who cannot keep his hands off of you behind closed doors is uncomfortable touching you in public. You should always question this behavior.
It’s like dating the guy that when you first began talking told you how much he enjoyed going to the movies and now that you’re together he refuses to take you. How is that possible? Or the guy who only comes to your house late at night, but never takes you out in public.
How else do you explain this behavior? He’s either in another relationship as well, or ashamed of being seen with you in public (because of your height, weight, ethnicity, nationailty, etc.) There I said it, but either way, you deserve better! So send his sorry selfish, inmature ass packing and find yourself a real man. Find a man that cannot keep his hands off you in private and in public because that’s what love does, it makes us want to be one!

Well, I gotta run again. I hope something I wrote can be used by you or someone you know. If something above has been identified by you in your own relationship, I hope you have the strength, courage and self respect to correct it. I wish you luck and I hope you chose to visit Eavesdropping in the Boys Club often.

What We Can All Learn From the Steve McNair/Sahel Kazemi Tragedy


Steve McNair“Like a compass needle that points north, a man’s accusing finger always finds a woman. Always.” — Khaled Hosseini

Of all the posts I have written over the last year, this is by far my most difficult. I had tried to stay away from this situation just as I had avoided the Rhianna/ Chris Brown incident. I simply felt that with the media’s bombardment of it, you’d get tired of it and anything I wrote at the time would fall on death ears. Above that was the single most important fact of life, Love is never supposed to result in death. It’s supposed to create life, never it’s opposite.

So here I am writing this post because we need to learn something from this tragedy and you damn sure will not get the real lesson from our mainstream media.

For those of you that do not know about this incident and I am sure that there are very few of you, I will provide a short recap and then we’ll move on to why this post was written.

Steve McNair was an American Icon in the World of Professional Football, the NFL. He was married with several children and had recently retired at age 36. His contributions to humanity through his Foundation are well known in Nashville and beyond. He was a man that on sight could disarm you with a smile that was contagious.

Sahel Kazemi was a beautiful, young and vibrant 20 year old Iranian immigrant. She was well loved by her family and friends and had her whole life before her. According to reports she had been involved in a somewhat volatile relationship with a previous boyfriend before a chance meeting with McNair whom had visited a restaurant where she was employed as a waitress.

On July 4th of 2009, the bodies of both McNair and Kazemi were discovered in the living room of an apartment that he co-owned in the Nashville area. Police have labeled it a murder/suicide, stating that McNair was shot while he slept on the couch by Kazemi, whom then turned the gun on herself. The two had been in a relationship according to reports for approximately 4 months.

I am and will always be a Steve McNair fan, but this post is not really about him. This post is about Sahel Kazemi and the lessons that we can all learn from her actions. I am not about to condemn either of these two people for what occurred on that fatal day in July or before. What I will do is try to make sense of what happened in hope that someone who reads this and has contemplated the same actions will rethink it and chose another course of action.

Steve McNair was a victim, but although the media fails to state this so was Sahel Kazemi. Many people would disagree with that statement, but it’s true. We just chose to ignore her plight because she unfortunately took a mans life. A very well known and loved man whom made us feel good about ourselves when he was entertaining us each and every Sunday.

Football is a violent sport, we know it is and of course no one knows it as well as the men who play it. It also comes with a lot of adulation. Millions of fans pack NFL stadiums each and every year with hopes of coming into contact with greatness. Football players sell us products, ask us to support the “United Way”, they make us laugh and they show that they are human, and yes they even make mistakes.

However, because of who they are generally they are soon forgiven. Could you imagine walking out of a tunnel to 70 thousand people chanting your name and 10 thousand people wearing a jersey with your name on the back? Could you imagine earning more money then some third world countries gross domestic product? They have it all, and then after several years it’s over.

Steve McNair was retired at 36, the average American will not retire if they do at all until probably 70. Now retirement for pro athletes is entirely different than the retirement of normal citizens. Many are still young enough to play mentally, however physically it’s a different story all together. Most don’t take retirement lightly, they have problems adjusting to life after football.

Ask Lawrence Taylor who turned to crack cocaine after his retirement. Many others become addicted to prescription drugs or even selling drugs after retirement. Why? They need something to fill that void in their lives that all that adulation created, they miss the excitement, the energy, the contact and other things that go along with playing the game.

I think and this is my own opinion, to fill that void in his life Steve replaced it with women.

This is why I suggested above that Sahel Kazemi is a victim as well. She was a 20 year old impressionable woman and into her life walked this man who was much larger than life itself.

He wined her, dined her, bedded her and for all intense and purposes was about to dump her. Now the police speculate that Sahel committed this tragedy because Steve was not about to leave his wife as she had been led to believe. I call this speculation absurd.

If they were together while he was married it wouldn’t really matter if he stayed married or not. Nothing would really change by him getting a divorce, even if he chose to marry her. They were already in a relationship.

No, I think that this tragedy occurred because in her mind she had convinced herself that he really loved her. He had shown her love, kindness, financial and emotional support, took her on trips that she could only dream of and made her feel special like no man before him had ever done.

In return she gave him all that she had, love, trust and herself. This young beautiful woman believed everything he had told her. Why shouldn’t she? We believed him enough to buy products he hawked, or to made donations to his charities or Foundation. If we believed him and we only knew him from watching him on that idiot box in our living room, why would a young impressionable woman sharing his bed not?

In the end it wasn’t the premise of him not leaving his wife that caused this horrible event. It was decided the night, when she realized that Steve had lied to her. The night that she discovered that there was another woman he was seeing as well.

We’ve all had heartbreaks, none are ever good and we each deal with them in our own ways. I’ve known people to stop eating, lose sleep and weight, go on drinking binges and worse, in an effort to dull the pain of a broken heart.

People have said that heartbreak is the worst pain any person should ever have to suffer. I agree, I’ve had my share, and recklessly I even caused a few.

So now, try to place yourself in Sahels shoes for one moment and look at things from the eyes of a 20 year old trying to come to grips with the fact that a man she adores, a man bigger than life is cheating on her with another woman.

Remember when you discovered a man was cheating on you? How did you feel? What were you thinking? Anger, revenge, hurt, disgust, pain, suffering, confusion and more is what comes to mind when I think back. These are feelings I pray no one ever has to repeat or go through.

As I said, we all respond to heartbreak differently. Very few people (luckily) chose the path of Sahel. We can all say that she could have done something different, but we weren’t her were we?
We can only speculate how she could have really felt and even then we’d come up short.

How many people have made the statement, “If I can’t have you, then no one will” in a relationship? It happens all the time, love is a contact sport even if we don’t believe it is. Hearts are broken at will, we fail to realise that our dealings with people are actually dealings with raw emotion. We have to take responsibility for our actions, we need to look at all of our relationships from our significant others point of view. Ask yourself, how will this decision I make effect them? How would you feel if the role was reversed? Don’t you deserve to know?

If we refuse to learn from this incident and begin to examine our relationships closely from both parties vantage point then this type of incident will occur again. The next time, it may not be a professional athlete, it could be you or I for that matter.

Love is not a game as some have handsomely labeled it. It’s life, and in this case, death.

Sahel is not the monster that the media portrays her to be, she is simply another victim of this so called game called love. We do her a great injustice by not viewing her as what she really was, a young impressionable young woman caught up in a web of lies and deceit. A woman who dealt with it the only way she knew how, removing the man she loved from this world and then following after him.

I pray that no one ever again loses their life in the name of so called love. I call it this because as I’ve said in many of my previous posts, it is wrong to ever love anyone more than you love yourself.

I end this by saying goodbye to both Steve and Sahel and I hope that we all can learn from this unfortunate incident, so that it may never repeat itself again.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post.

God Bless

P.S To anyone whom feels the need to bash this post for whatever reason of their choosing, please save it. I’m too busy mourning the unnecessary loss of two beautiful people to really care.