Before I get started and explain the title above, I would first like to wish each and everyone of you a very Happy New Year! Many of you have written to me inquiring about my absence and I appreciate your letters. To those whom were left to simply wonder, I have been busy preparing (finally) for the release of the book “Eavesdropping in the Boys Club”. I will provide further details later.
However today I would like to talk to you about something different by far. Hopefully you will find it as interesting as I did.
Recently, I was out with several friends and co-workers and as usual we began talking about relationships, with women on one side of the topic, my male friends on the other and me right square in the middle. Lol!
One of the females who worked in a different department is a 30 year old very attractive young woman who has been married for 4 years. Happily married as she explained it.
During the conversation she explained a very fascinating plan that she had created to determine if a man was really worthy of being with her or not. As men in the group cringed at this revelation I sat in awe as this young woman described how she set about eliminating men from her life that she simply thought were a waste of her time.
She stated that she came up with the idea while she was in college. During her sophomore year her roommate had become pregnant. She stated that she was very close to her roommate and the roommates boyfriend. For days she stated that she watched her roommate struggle with how to inform her boyfriend that she was pregnant as if it was all of her fault, if there was any fault at all.
She went on to tell us that she had known these two people since high school and even there they were a couple and as with everyone that knew them she thought that they were destined to be together forever anyway. So, she thought one night as she went to sleep, whats the big deal?
The next night her roommate returned to their dorm room hysterical. The boyfriend had accused her of cheating on him among other things to include trying to trap him into marriage. She said her roommate was inconsolable, crushed by the turn of events. The roommate dropped out of school the next day to return home.
My friend stated that she saw the boyfriend from time to time and that he could never even look her in the eye, let alone speak to her. To her he simply became a piece of shit!
During this time, she stated that she had a boyfriend of her own and that they had talked about this situation while it was going on. He had admirably informed her that had it been her that was pregnant, that they would have discussed it to determine what was best for them all. She said, being a 19 year old girl, this sounded really good to me.
As the year passed, she said that she still couldn’t shake the emotions that she had in regards to her roommates situation. She said that she spent countless hours unable to sleep and in her restlessness she decided that before she allowed any man to waste too much of her time only be determined that he wasn’t worthy, he’d have to pass a simple test.
She went on to say that it started with her boyfriend. They’d been dating exclusively for approximately 2 years and he swore that he loved her. One night she went to his house and proclaimed that she was pregnant. She said that upon hearing that, the blood completely drained from his face. She thought that he was going to pass out. After gathering himself, she said the first thing out of his mouth was, “Is it mine?”
She stated that she quickly did an about face and informed him, “No, it’s not!” She said that she quickly marched out the door, crying all the way to back to her dorm. According to her, he called and she refused to answer the phone. He also came by but she refused to answer the door, apologizing through the door for his words. She said he even stood outside her classroom waiting for her to come out so that he could talk to her. Nothing he could say would make her come back to him because she said she now knew exactly who and what he was.To her, he wasn’t a man, but merely a boy whom constantly wanted men type of fun, but none of the responsibility in the event things went wrong.
She said that she took a break from men and didn’t date seriously until she was began working on her Masters degree. While working on her Masters she was employed as a Cosmetics Counter Manager at a large Mall. There she met a young store manager and they became a couple.
She stated that he said and did all of the right things to attract her and her family loved him as his loved her. He was way on his way to becoming a General Manager for the company he worked for, owned his own home which he begged her to move into. She stated that she refused telling him it was too soon, even after almost a year of dating. Loving the guy for her was an understatement, she was head over hills in love with him at this point.
They had, she said, many conversations about their futures and how his vision was for her to be a stay at home mom, while he provided for the family. However, many of those same sleepless nights would come and she would remember her roommate from college.
So, one day she said that she invited him to a nice quiet restaurant exclaiming that she had great news! He arrived, punctual as always according to her. He was excited and couldn’t wait to share in her great news. She said that she looked him in the eye and with a smile so broad said, “We’re pregnant!”
She said that there was no joy or excitement on his part. Actually, she went on, he got mad! Between the crowded restaurant and the waitress bringing their meal, he had to whisper his responses and they weren’t nice. She said that he went on by telling her that it wasn’t possible, that he had been careful and always utilized protection. He continued by informing her that it was her fault, stating that she was reckless, falling short of saying that she cheated on him. Which at that point she already determined that she would have hit him with her plate. He told her that he wasn’t prepared to be a father and that he had plans for when he became one, to include being at the top of his profession.
Halfway through the meal she stated that she got up, dropped several hundred dollars on the table to pay for the meal and left. She said that he didn’t call her or attempt to contact her again. Which by the way according to her was simply fine.
I asked her if it hurt for him to just walk away like that. She stated that she loved him and that was hard to not give in and call him and just talk, to give him the opportunity to explain since he had often talked about us being together with children. However, she went on by saying that in her weakest moments she would remember something her father told her as a kid. She said that he told her that the initial reaction is always the truth about how someone feels.
She said looking back on it, he wanted to control everything to include when and if we got married, how many kids, hell even me being a stay at home mother and wife. I wanted a partner, not another father in my life.
The third time she utilized this method of men elimination she said was approximately three years later. She said she had met a wonderful man through friends and that he lived in a nearby City which meant a long distance relationship to begin. She said that they met and she really enjoyed him because he seemed so genuine.
Soon he moved to the same town as her so that they could be together much more and really get to know one another. She went on that after being together for quite some time, she had fallen hopelessly in love with him and she was sure he felt the same way. She said that her feeling were so strong that she almost forgot about the test. However, when those sleepless nights came calling again, she tried to put it out of her mind because she was really afraid to lose him if he failed.
However, she felt it should be done just to ensure that she was being honest with herself and to make sure that she wouldn’t be wasting anymore time on someone who really wasn’t worthy of her. By this time, to make matters even more challenging, they had begun living together.
She said that she was trying to sleep and simply couldn’t, she kept thinking about her roommate from years past and it bugged her. While tossing and turning in bed attempting to sleep, her boyfriend came home from work. She said that he came in a sat on the edge of the bed trying not to awaken her. Finally after a few minutes she rolled over and turned on the lamp in the room.
Before she could say anything, he asked her if she was alright. He said that he had noticed for the past several weeks that she had been tossing and turning in her sleep. She said that before she had known it, she had blurted out, “I think I am pregnant!”
She said that he dived across the bed grabbing her into his arms screaming, in delight! She said he told her over and over again how much he loved her. She was swept away by his kindness and affection to the situation.
However, she added that afterwords he wanted to make love to her without protection seeing that he thought that they were already pregnant with child. She said she had to tell him, “Hold on babe”, we might be pregnant, we don’t know just yet. Whereas he went on to tell her that he wanted her as his wife and mother of his children, forever.
When a few days later she informed him that it was a false alarm, she said he simply smiled and gave her a huge hug and kiss. Informing her that he still wanted to marry her. She stated that this very important day informed her that he was indeed the man she was going to marry.
A year later, they were married, however, not before she confessed to him about the pregnancy test. She stated that it was an awkward moment for them both, until he broke out in laughter and told her that with child or not, he had determined way before that incident that she was the only woman for him.
They wed and the rest is history and now that they do have a child together she states that he is the best husband and father anyone could ever ask for.
She stated that when she did finally get pregnant, he ran into the restroom and came back with a pregnancy test, exclaiming that he didn’t want to get his hopes up again, to which she said that they both laughed.
Before ending her story, she did offer this advice. Her methods are not for everyone and she is sure that many may think it’s like playing tricks on men. However, she felt that it is much better to determine how he feels while you are in a position to walk away, then to wait until you actually get pregnant and are left alone with a child by a man who tricked you into believing he really cared.
As for me, I am not sure I know exactly how I feel about this test. In one hand I think that it could be considered cruel and unusual punishment, on the other hand I think that it was simply her way of making sure that regardless of the situation that she was getting a man that would stand with her and not run and hide at the most important prospect any man can face, that of being a father.
If you love someone and you’re sleeping with them, having a child could become a reality. What is unreal is the way some men face this situation. I for one being a father to a son whose mother I didn’t marry refused to run and hide. We didn’t get married, but I did my best to provide for them both. When she informed me that she was pregnant, I didn’t blink, I did what my father would have done and accepted my responsibility. Because I stood up as being a man, and my true feelings for my sons mom, we are even to this day as close as ever. I love her dearly, because she gave me the best gift that any man could ever ask for, a child!
So now, back to the topic of this article, could your relationship survive the pregnancy test?
Do you really believe that the only thing men want is sex? If you do and you still have a man in your life, what exactly does that say about you? Yep, it says that you really enjoy doing the nasty too! Why hide it? Why on earth do women hide the fact that they enjoy sex just as much or more than the next guy? And I really mean guy, lol.
Sex is a fact of life, it’s been going on since the beginning of time (thus the worlds population) and the billions of dollars generated by the industry itself. You can try to deny it but not only men are looking at porn on the internet. Everyone has needs, wants and desires and if women didn’t then there would be absolutely no market for adult toys.
Now, with all of this love making occurring throughout this planet why is it that men tend to feel the need to stray and conduct business outside of his current relationship? This is the million dollar question that has been asked since the neanderthal age. Why on earth does a man with a healthy, beautiful, sexy cave woman feel the need to sleep with the cave woman on the other side of the mountain?
Over the years there has been numerous articles written on the subject and for this post, I for one will stay away from to concentrate on a simple solution that could possibly eliminate that situation in your own relationship. Interested?
I was once informed that smart women take up all of the free time of the men that they are in a relationship with. In other words, they eliminate the chance for him to be idle, since we all know that idle hands are the devils tools, right? I am not sure if this is true but over the years I’ve heard this saying often. Maybe there is merit to it, maybe not. I don’t know, personally.
However, what I do know is that for whatever reason, men are more inclined to cheat in a relationship after he has been in it for sometime. Very few guys cheat in the beginning of a real relationship, although they will if the relationship wasn’t considered a real relationship to begin with. Interesting huh? Lets look at this statement again in laymen terms. “Chances are that he will not cheat on you in the beginning of a relationship that he actually considers real.” Meaning that he considers the two of you to be an actual couple.
Now, some of you are scratching your head in wonder as to why a man you had cheated on you in the first month, week or day of the relationship, right? Well, I am sorry to inform you of this but you thought you were in a actual relationship, but for whatever reason, he didn’t. Perception is a killer, especially when your views on where you stand differ so greatly.
So yeah, if he cheated on you very quickly, or you discovered he had another girlfriend while you were just starting out you should now know he wasn’t all in as far as being in an exclusive relationship with you. Sorry to have to tell you that.
Later yeah, if the relationship goes into routine mode and he becomes listless, he is more ample to stray. Not that it has anything to do with you, but more importantly it is a flaw in his own character. A flaw that is exploited by what he has been told on a regular basis by his male counterparts and society.
If you are told something over and over again, at what point does it become real? Probably when you accept it as being real in your mind. How long before a man in your life allows it to become real, that once he gets married sex goes out the window? Or that being with the same woman for a long period of time is like eating the same meal, over and over again?
Comedians have made jokes about these same issues and men as well as women have all laughed, at least until it became real for the man in your life. What did Chris Rock say about being married? ” If you like f**king, marriage ain’t for you! (See video) Unfortunately, some of us buy into this thought process and chose to seek excitement elsewhere.
Women of course have been victims of societal views as well. Yeah, you know what I am talking about. You’re supposed to suppress your sexual urges, act like a lady, right. I can understand and appreciate that outside of a relationship, however, in a relationship, you should be you! So if you really enjoy sex, then now is the time to become uninhibited and enjoy yourself with someone you love who loves you as well.
Oh, let me get back on topic because you are reading this to discover how to keep your man out of another woman’s bed, right? That’s easy, think about where you are sexually in your relationship. Ask yourself, who initiates sexual contact most of the time? 10 to 1 (I live in Vegas) says it’s the man in your life. You see women most times without realizing it take their cue for sex from the male. Why? Because society has said that men have a higher sex drive than women, and if a woman has one as well then she’d be better suited by hiding it.
So what women tend to do is they wait for the male to request sex and if she is in the mood, OK, it can be done. If she is not, then he’s pissed because you’ve rebuked him. It also has falsely led women to believe that men are oversexed. Not because he actually is, but rather because you’ve reduced him into guessing when you are in the mood.
Let me try to explain this simple logic to you. You’ve went from participating in the when and where you two have sex, to waiting on him to determine when and where and you participate only if you feel up to it. It’s understandable that you are not in the mood every single time on his schedule. However, what you failed to understand is that you have buried your schedule, and didn’t even realize it and this creates a problem that may result in his diving into another woman’s bed.
Lets try looking at it this way, OK? You enjoy sex, right? You enjoy making love to the man you love, right? So why in the hell would you do it only on his schedule? That’s asinine and problematic! It also creates a view of him that is not altogether true. He’s not oversexed, its just that you’ve stopped initiating it when you want it choosing to wait until he requests to make love.
Why not try this, everyone of you have those times when you want to make love or simply have sex just like men do, right? When you get these urges which I am sure occur on a weekly basis, act on them with your man. Don’t wait until he wants you, let him know that not only do you want him but you need him to fulfill your needs as well.
Want to know what the results will be? Eventually you and he will become balanced in the bedroom. If he is getting sexual satisfaction when he wants and when you want, he’ll be less likely to look elsewhere because he’ll be too busy being satisfied at home. The thought you had of him possibly being totally consumed by sex will be a thing of the past because since now you’re selecting your own days for intimacy based on your needs will leave him fulfilled and you happier. The only unhappy party in this equation is the adult toy industry since you’ll have little need for that device you’ve hidden away in the closet in that shoe box.
Jumping into another woman’s bed will be the last thing on his mind ever, because there is something else that is said that you may have never heard. “Men with empty scrotum’s have no reason to stray!” Lol!
You’ve been mulling this decision in your head for months, should I end this relationship or not? You ask your friends and possibly relatives and you soak in all of this information and you still can’t decide exactly what you should do. To make matters worse, you know in your heart that its the best thing for you and your emotional well being.
You deserve someone who will treat you with respect, someone you can count on, someone you know in your heart that is capable of loving you with all of their heart. You thirst for someone that is exciting and makes you burn with desire again. The man in your life now, he was once like that. He was attentive, responsible, caring and appeared to be head over heels in love with you, and he once knew how to light your flame.
However, that seems like such a long time ago and even those memories are fading. Now, he may or may not call you today. He may stand you up on a date you’ve planned, something he’d never even considered doing when you first started dating. Hell, during those days he’d come to your work place with an umbrella for you just because the forecast called for rain. Those were the days huh? When you were the envy of all of your friends because he placed you on a pedestal.
He’s totally different now, huh? Ok, he’s never hit you or anything and although late at night you have that nagging thought in your head and gut that he may have someone else you have no proof. All you know deep inside is that even though he tells you that he loves you, you don’t feel it anymore, period.
So now, is that enough to end this long relationship? That depends on you and only you. No one is going to have the exact answer you’re looking for. You know the one where they say just the right thing and a switch goes off in your head that says, “Yep, I’m ending this right now!”
However, what I can do is explain to you why it’s so damn hard to pull the trigger on a unhappy relationship. Interested? If you are, read on.
If you’re at this point then above everything else, you’re simply not happy. When I say this I’m not talking about being sad or depressed or anything like that. I mean that your relationship has lost its luster and you know in your heart that it has ran its course. However, you still cannot understand why you can’t simply end it.
You can’t end it because of one word; change!
Many people fear this word and most of us aren’t sure why. It really boggles my mind because change means a new beginning, starting over with a clean slate. I know its venturing into the unknown, but who knows what awaits you on the other side?
When contemplating ending a relationship we tend to think about all of this small stuff, such as what do I tell my friends, family and co-workers. What happens if I make a mistake, will he take me back? Will I be able to find someone better or will I end up with someone worse? A real dilemma, huh?
Oh, and my favorite, I don’t want him to hate me for ending it. I want us to remain friends, always. Hey, and don’t forget, what if no one else wants me? Better yet, how about this thought that I know all of you have had at one time or another; the fear that he will be out of your life, forever! Yeah, you know the one where you are so used to having him in your life and the thought that he will no longer be around scares you. Well guess what? How about before you two ever met? You got along fine during that time of your life, didn’t you?
You know what I think of all of this stuff? Its just stuff! That’s all it is, stuff. It enough to make a sane person go mad, seriously. So tell me, who in their right mind would stay in a relationship that they are not satisfied with? You?
Life is short and its fleeting. Why you’re reading this post time is flying by. Time that you’ll never get back so I try to write things that you can get something out of. I don’t want to waste your time, because its extremely precious. With that in mind, can you really afford to spend another hour, day, week, month or year in a relationship that you’re not happy with?
To make matters a little more interesting let me give you something to think about. How do you really know that he’s not feeling the same way? Yep, men stay in relationships because they want to avoid change as well. Any of you ever been in a relationship and one of you decided it was time to call it quits and you both breathed a sigh of relief? It happens, I promise.
Hell, it happened to me years ago. I dated a girl for roughly 6 months and one night while watching TV she asked me if I was really happy in the relationship and after dancing around the question (I thought it was a trick) I confessed that actually I wasn’t. I told her that I was content, but not truly happy.
She laughed and told me that she felt the same way. Yep, there was a sigh of relief on both of our parts. We both had a good laugh about it and through talking we discovered that we’d probably make better friends, which we did. I mean, we liked the same things, we loved to talk to one another and we laughed a lot. However, once we became a couple the magic kinda disappeared. Afterward, it wasn’t awkward at all since we quickly went back to being friends.
We still hung out together, called each other often and held Friday night movie vigils at her home or mine. Then after a couple of months she called me really excited and informed me that she had met a guy that she thought was the right person for her. I wished her well and I met him a couple of years later at their wedding. He’s a very nice guy and they are still very happily married with children to this day.
The moral to that story is that hell, he may not be happy in the relationship either and chances are that if you’re not happy, neither is he. How can he be happy if he knows that you are not? You may not say whats on your mind but if you’ve been together for awhile he knows your body language and he knows that there is something wrong. The girl I spoke of above, she later told me that she noticed that I seemed distant. She went on to inform me that she noticed that I seemed as though things weren’t fun and exciting anymore and she began to feel the pressure as well, and it she too became unhappy with the relationship. We only dated for about six months, how long have you and your man been dating?
Now, for those of you in this situation I hope that this post opened your eyes a little. I hope you stop thinking about only you and think about how he may feel as well. If you’re not happy, maybe he isn’t as well. I hope you stop worrying about the changes you assume you’ll be faced to deal with and begin looking forward to what can be awaiting you in the future.
There is nothing on earth as frustrating as being at the whim of someone else. Especially when its someone that you have grown to know, fell head over heals in love with and without warning they radically changed. Damn, it makes me want to pull my hair out just thinking about it.
Many of you will suffer through this in your lifetime, a few of you will suffer through it more than once (because some learn lessons at a different pace). Hell, I went through this phenomenon myself. However, when I came out the other side I made an important decision about dating. Especially when the relationship moved to a point and you have that very important talk.
You ladies know the talk I am referring to. The one where the guy says, “Look, we spend all of our time together anyway. You have an apartment, and I have one. We spend all of this time sleeping at each others place, but we’re paying two separate rents.” Then he goes on a says, “Wouldn’t it be better if we just moved in together?” “Think of all of the money we could save?”
Wow! You start to think maybe there is a future in this relationship and you as all women do, ask, “Are you sure?” However, inside you’re bursting at the seams with excitement. You cannot wait to tell your girlfriends that he asked you to move in with him. You were so excited, you failed to carefully think this plan through and you really overlooked exactly whose apartment should you two move into. But, that’s OK, because you’re so happy whatever he wants to do is fine by you.
You can’t wait to move in with him and make all of the modifications that will turn his place into a happy home, right? You should have read the fine print in the offer because this is a recipe for disaster filled with a hidden minefield.
When he brings saving money into the equation you need to know that’s a red flag. “Think of all of the money we can save?” In real love money is not an issue. However, let me clarify that statement for you. If I really love you, then I want you to move in with me, not because it allows me to save more cash to buy more toys. I want you there because I want to wake up next to you every single morning. I want you to be the first person i see when I get up to start my day, and the last person I see and hold before I fall asleep. These feeling you make me have are priceless and money pales in comparison.
So, anyway you’re thinking about how great it is to be able to live with him and he’s thinking about the money he’ll be able to save by sharing the rent, bills and expenses. Get the picture now? Yeah, you’re really just a beautiful, sexy roommate that he has bedroom privileges with.
You on the other hand think that this is a prelude to marriage and you quickly begin to treat it just like that. You rush home to make him dinner everyday, you rearrange his apartment to make it more of a home instead of a bachelor pad and within weeks you convince him that you two need a joint account. Why? Because its what married couples do.
Now, currently he’s still on board but what happens when he starts to feel crowded? You start to see a side of him you haven’t seen before. He become irritable, starts coming home later from work and everything becomes an argument. The next thing you know, he’s sleeping on the couch and you’re crying yourself to sleep on a weekly basis.
Do you understand why this occurs? Believe me when I say that this happens everyday worldwide, so if its happened to you then rest assured you are not alone. It happens because you and he were never on the same page to begin with. The expectations of both parties were totally different and neither took the time to set up rules and expectations before the move actually occurred.
To make matters worse, when people live separately while they are dating there are loads of things they learn about one another over time. When you chose to move in together you learn a lot about one another very quickly and some of the things you learn you may not like. Living together you don’t have that safe place to go to while you attempt to come to grips with his short comings as you would if you lived apart.
If you lived separately and a girl called him on the phone, you’d be a little upset, go home and think about it. He’d call and explain the situation and everything would be forgiven in most cases. If a girl calls him while you’re living together, its a whole different emotion. You have no where to think this thing through except maybe another bedroom. Also, the thought that a girl called him infuriates you even more because now you’re wondering if he’s even informed her that he’s in this makeshift marriage, uh, living with you.
When things get really bad and you simply cannot take it anymore (as he may be feeling as well), what are you going to do? It was really easy to get into this situation but getting out of it can be difficult. Where are you going to go? You gave up your apartment, remember?
This is the point where you should have had a “Single Women Survival Kit.” Because when things get really bad, you’ll be able to take complete control of your life and situation again. Trust me when I tell you that there is no worse feeling than the feeling of being trapped.
You’ve given up your apartment, your life, your freedom to make someone else happy and it just didn’t work out. Now, you’re sitting in the bedroom that you two once shared and he’s drinking a beer on the couch watching sports after another silly argument. You feel trapped and confined and all you really want is to get out!
If you had planned ahead and had a “Survival Kit”, you’d be able to do just that because you’d be prepared. Now, some will say, ” If you’re preparing for failure then it will do that, fail.” However, we don’t plan on having a auto accident, but we get insurance, just in case.
This survival kit, consists of some material items and a good deal of common sense. I’ll give you a list I made up for you, it differed from the one I once had, but then again I am a man.
Item #1: A secret bank account:
I know, you shouldn’t keep secrets in your relationship but this is basically insurance and believe me you may need it. You should place approximately $50.00 into this account every payday. The one thing that will be a hurdle for you is in the event that you feel as though you need to move out, is having enough cash on hand to get another place.
It sucks when you know that you once had a nice quiet place that you called home. It was your sanctuary, a place you could close out the world if need be. If you placed money into that account, you could find one quickly and move on. If not, it may take you a while to save up enough to move out. This means that you’re subjected to many more months of frustration while trying to save something you could have already had.
Now, in the event that the relationship blossoms into something more as in marriage. Guess what? You can roll that money into an investment account, or utilize it to offset some of your wedding expenses. You can’t lose by being prepared!
Item #2: Stockpile birth control:
Hey, until you are on your honeymoon it might be wise to protect yourself from an unplanned pregnancy. If your live in arrangement falls apart the very last thing that you need to discover is that you’re expecting. Children are the greatest thing on this planet, however, caring for one as a single mom is a challenge.
A Professor once gave me this advice about sex. “Never sleep with a woman that you could not see as being the mother of your children.” We all know that was not the case in some of the relationships I had over the years, however to eliminate the chance of an unplanned event I stockpiled condoms. Hell, when I was in my early 20’s I think I purchased enough to give everyone at the Magnum plant a raise in pay. Lol!
There is nothing wrong with protecting yourself and making sure he’s the right one. Then planning on having the child as a family, yep, you and he. Families can be only two people you know.
Item #3: Locate a neutral place to reside together:
If a man requests that you and he move in together, don’t move into his apartment or allow him to move into yours. If you’re serious about it and he is as well, the two of you together go and locate a suitable neutral abode to begin your trial live-in.
However, and this is extremely important, discuss with him his expectations and explain yours to him. If you two accommodate one another, this thing could really work to both of your advantages and grow into the ultimate goal. If you fail to examine what you both expect your chances of success are quite slim. This is just a thought, but you may want to explain to him at this time that you have no plans of being a lifelong girlfriend and live-in lover. Just putting that out there, OK? Remember what your mom used to say, “Why buy the cow when he can get the milk for free?”
Item #4) Keep your Finances separate:
In the beginning do not under any circumstances intertwine your bills or credit. You should agree to pay your half and he his. The only thing that both of your names should appear on is the rental agreement.
You want to do this to give you an opportunity to see how he handles his finances. If you intertwine your finances and share an account, it may affect your credit score. If his score is low, you may get dinged or worse credit agencies may start calling you about his debts. This is a horrible thing to discover after you’re living together, but it happens.
Each of you should select a utility and place it in your own names, making sure that they pretty much are equal in the amounts you pay monthly. To clarify this, you shouldn’t be paying $200 in cable bills and he’s only paying $70.00 for water and the electric bill. Understand?
Item #5) An Emergency Credit Card:
You should if possible obtain a credit card with a credit line of at least $500. This card is for emergencies only and you should only utilize it once a month. During this monthly usage, go out to dinner or purchase a pair of stockings or anything that you can pay the bill in full on its due date.
This practice keeps the card active and paying it off monthly helps your credit score. As i said above though, this card is for emergencies only! What I mean by this is that in the event you need to stay at a hotel after a severe argument, this is when you utilize it. Need to rent a truck to move out because the relationship is sour, use this card. In a sense, its a safety net.
If you’ve been setting aside money as in item number one and you have this emergency card you have your freedom intact. Regardless of the situation you can move on and any frustrations will be minimal at worst.
Relationships are a risks, however that’s what makes them so much fun. We also all know that without risk there is no possibility of reward. There is nothing wrong with hedging your bets by protecting yourself in the event that things don’t work as planned. By covering your bases, its a win-win scenario for you. As I wrote above, if it works out then you have this small nest egg that you can utilize for something else. That something else could be whatever you want it to be, to include a nice Rolex for your new husband. I’m just saying. Men like nice gifts too.
“Women are going to form a chain, a greater sisterhood than the world has ever known.”
— Nellie McClung
You meet a new guy and you love everything about him. He calls and your stomach gets knotted up, and when you’re around him you have butterflies. You cannot sleep because he’s always on your mind. Love, isn’t it grand? There is nothing as precious as new love, you cannot get enough of it. The feelings you get are indescribable, and you feel like you’re about to burst with excitement.
Late at night you lay in bed and you think of every single moment of time that you spent with him during the day. You review every single word spoken and chastise yourself for not saying the right thing at the right moment of the conversation. You feel awkward, like you’re a school girl with a crush and he’s the big man on campus.
You cannot wait for the next day to see him and take in the aroma of his cologne and look into his eyes once again. Every time he brushes against you or slightly touches your hand you get weak in the knees and you blush uncontrollably.
You find it difficult to concentrate and eating is a second thought, your appitite is vertually gone and you often wonder if you’ll actually be able to eat in front of him when you go out on your long anticipated date.
Love, there is nothing like it is there? However, on the flip side these same emotions can describe the way women feel when they’re heartbroken. The two basic issues of course are lack of appetite and sleep, but of course your stomach gets knotted just the same. You also wonder if it was something you said or did and if you could have done things differently.
Now the issue here is how do you keep from ever feeling like the latter of these two emotions? How do we insure that you never have your heart and emotions drug through the mud while you shed tears that could have been prevented.
Did you know that women can protect their own hearts by simply doing one thing at the beginning of every relationship, even before you begin to act like a love struck schoolgirl. Before you place your heart in the hands of a person that you thought dropped out of heaven, but may have came from a much lower area, you should find out from where he really came.
“There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”
— Madeleine Albright
Every man that you meet has a past. It’s that past that can determine your relationship fate. Before you throw caution to the wolves and fall head over heels in love with someone who may break your heart into, it behooves you to proceed with caution. Do your homework and attempt to discover who he really is and if possible, why?
It is amazing that more women don’t do what I am about to introduce you to, because if done properly it works to your benefit. Its also the hidden secret that men never want you to discover. Its the inside information straight from the horses mouth that could sink them where they stand when they are dishonest.
What is this secret that make men tremble in their boots? The girl that held his heart before you! She holds all the secrets that can mean success or failure for you if you enter into a relationship with the man that makes your heart pound faster.
Now before you decide that this is not a route you would chose to take lets take a look at it from a different angle. Think about your last boyfriend, what could you share with another woman that could spare her a harsh break-up and a broken heart. Was he good to you? Did he cheat on you or god forbid, hit you. You hold valuable information that could assist another woman whom might be sitting at home right now with butterflies in her stomach over a man that you know to be a liar and a cheat. If you could save her from heartbreak and despair, why wouldn’t you. If you don’t, when the day comes that he rips her heart out or hurt her in any other manner, you are just as responsible as he is because you could have and should have warned her if she asked.
It amazes me that we tend to not inquire about the person that held our love interests heart until after we break up with them. We tend to believe what our partners say about them and as with nature we side with the one we’re with. That is until that day after our hearts have been broken into tiny pieces, we wonder if all that was told to us was actually true.
Then by chance you meet the person, and discover that they are nothing like the person you were led to believe they were. These meetings always end with you gaining a good friend and with them informing you that had you contacted them they would have warned you about your former partner.
In every relationship there are two sides to the story of why it ended, the side you’re hearing and the silent side. Isn’t it interesting that the side you’re hearing is always the fault of the silent side. But lets be real, how many men have you met that will confess to cheating, beating, stealing from or lying to their ex’s? Better yet, how many men have you met that will inform you that yes, they do have a current girlfriend while they attempt to seduce you?
These are all the more reason for you to seek out his former partner before you jump into a relationship with him. Now we all know that sometimes people make up lies and are deceitful when they have been heartbroken, but all you have to remember is that somewhere between those lies is the truth.
Now many of you are scratching your heads wondering, “How would you react if a strange woman approached you and inquired about your ex?” How would you respond? Hopefully, with dignity and respect as all adults should. If the relationship is over then its over, you both should have moved on by now, so what could it really hurt to assist someone else?
If your ex was a great guy and things simply flamed out on your relationship, then wouldn’t it be wise to inform her of that fact. Would it seriously hurt you to offer her pointers in how she might make their relationship last? Hell, in actuality you know so much about him and if you chose to hold on to that information, then you are really doing a disservice to your ex and the female that’s interested in him, don’t you think?
Now, on the other hand if he was a total jerk and she needs to be warned about him it could be wise to do so. However, it should be done with tactfulness. Sit her down and ask her exactly what she wants to know? Put yourself in her shoes, if his ex before you had told you what you needed to know, would it have prevented your heartbreak? Could it have saved you from anguish and sadness? Would you have headed her warnings? Then ask yourself this, “Can you really walk away knowing that she is headed down a path to pain and refuse to help? Ever heard of karma?
This failure to assist one another is a prime example of why our society is decaying right now. It’s not my problem, so I don’t want to get involved is our new motto. Many times I have wondered what may have been if OJ’s ex before Nichole had informed her of what he was really like? Would Scott Peterson’s late wife have heeded a warning from another woman before choosing to marrying him? I know that these examples are extreme, or are they? However, what I am sure of is that each and everyone of you hold the key to the happiness or suffering of another woman. The only question that remains, is are you willing to share that key or not?
I know it would be awkward for someone to approach you about your ex, however these questions come in many forms. So the next time you get a friend request from your ex’s current girlfriend, don’t be so quick to dismiss it. There may be something that she wants to ask you but isn’t sure how to proceed.
If the thought of this make you uneasy there is another way as there always is. Visit my fellow bloggers site and you can post about your ex anonymously. This way any woman that is interested in him can locate the info she needs right there and no one will be the wiser. Also, while you are there, you can check up on your current beau, or someone you may have had you eye on. Its free, and although most of the comments are negative, like I stated earlier, somewhere between the two extremes, lies the truth.
So if you have the time or you’re simply curious, please visit www.cheateralert.com, you never know what you may discover or what you may be able to contribute to someone else s happiness.
Sometimes, when we get just too damn comfortable too soon with a new person we tend to let our guard down and throw caution to the wind. You have to understand that just because you feel comfortable with him doesn’t necessarily mean that he feels the same way about you. He may tell you he does, but then again he may be on the bubble with where your relationship is heading.
In my past I terminated several relationships because of a simple comment that just grated me to the point where regardless of how I tried I couldn’t get over. Looking back now, I agree I was really very shallow when it came to relationships. Now that I know this, I also understand that as a man, I am not alone and men that you have met or will meet may be shallow in the beginning as well.
With this knowledge, I figured it may benefit you to know that there are some things that you may not want to say, regardless of how comfortable you may feel in the beginning of the relationship. However, as many of you probably know, once the relationship is defined and is solid then anything you say will not be held against you in the court of love. (Ah, unless it’s a lie, then all bets are off.)
Moving on, lets get to “8 Things you should never say to a man, if you want to keep him!” (note: These are things that you may not want to say while you two are in the beginning stages of what you hope to be a long term relationship, ok?)
1) I want to be a stay at home mom;
What men hear: She wants a rich guy to take care of her and do nothing but have kids. Men want partners and since for years women have preached equality, we expect you to help carry the load. Now on the other hand, if he is rich or on his way to being rich this may work out fine. However in this economy it’s all hands on deck and that means you as well.
2) I once dated my boss;
What men hear: She’s looking for a man with power and if I am not it, it could be her next or current boss. Also, there is this old saying that you should never shit where you eat, which means sleeping with the boss is not a smart move. Oh, and now we think about what her reputation in the office is like. Office gossip is brutal and she gave them a lot to work with. Time to move on suddenly sounds good for us.
3) I like women too:
What men hear: Most of the men I have talked to regarding this type of situation informed me that in the beginning they thought that they had hit the jackpot. In the end they said they wish they had never known. Visions of three ways clouded their judgment. They all assured me that it was great and exciting when it first began because they had convinced themselves that it wasn’t cheating as long as it was only with women. Wrong!
How secure could he possibly be when he knows that his girlfriend is trolling for women with a higher success rate than he and his friends ever had? After awhile the excitement wears off and jealousy appears as with any relationship when a third person is introduced into the equation.
A woman once told me that there is no such thing as being bi-sexual. She said that people whom say that they are, really are saying that they are selfish sexually and its all about them. She went on to say that regardless of if they are with a man or woman, all they really care about is their own needs being met. I don’t know if she’s right or wrong on this and I am not in a position to argue either way.
4) You are the biggest I have ever had;
What men hear: I have been with numerous men and I am checking sizes and discussing them with my girlfriends. We really don’t like to think about your sexual conquests to begin with, because in our minds you were a virgin when we met. You just killed that image with that one statement and to make matters worse you were probably just trying to make us feel good. Now we can’t shake the thought of you out of our minds, measuring privates of men lined up with towels wrapped around them. Ugh!
5)I have never done this before:
What men hear: With me! Especially if you suddenly take control right in the middle of it and seem to anticipate our every move. You should never utilize those words to a man especially if its while in bed. It’s equally bad if you just met him or you’ve liked him for awhile and its the first time you two have been alone and he talked you into bed.
Note: The funny thing about men, yours truly included is that women are right when they think that when it comes to sex, once we get an erection we stop thinking clearly. However, once that erection subsides we replay the whole conversation that got us into the situation to begin with. So, if you said something that didn’t bother us while we were trying to satisfy our needs it will jump out at us when clarity returns. This clarity period is a main reason for one night stands.
6)My last boyfriend did it like this:
What we hear: We are being compared to some guy who for whatever reason still occupies your thoughts. This is not good, because in order for us to feel comfortable with you, we’d like to think that only we occupy your thoughts. Not only that, but hell if he was so great, why are you with me?
7) We have to keep our relationship a secret:
What we hear: This is sometimes said when the parties are of different racial or economic backgrounds. Problem is that now he feels as though he’s good enough to sleep with but not good enough to be seen with. Yep, men don’t like this type of situation either. We start out saying that we can handle it, but in the end we hate it too. Remember the saying, “Forbidden things are sweeter”, they really aren’t.
8) You once tried to get pregnant:
What we hear: You want a baby and you may try to have one by us without our knowledge. This is a scary thought if we’re just beginning. Most men aren’t comfortable with the premise of having a child so quickly and you’ll notice that although you’re taking birth control pills, he still insist on wearing a condom as well. You know he’s uncomfortable if even with the condom on he still withdraws before ejaculation.
I guess I could actually add several other things not to say as well, but I’ll just list a few without commenting on them so you’ll know.
9) I need a man to pay my bills.
10) I had an abortion.
11) I was once with multiple men at once- You may want to keep this to yourself
12) I was a teenage prostitute.
14) I was molested.
15) I was in rehab, twice.
16) I had a eating disorder.
17) I used to cut myself occasionally.
18) I tried to commit suicide.
19) My last boyfriend is on death row.
20) I am awaiting sentencing.
The point I am trying to make is this. In relationships there should be no secrets if it is to blossom and grow. However, it is important that you get to know the person before you decide to tell them some things. When we are really comfortable with one another and we both know where its headed then anything you say will more than likely be forgiven. However, if you say them too soon they’ll be used solely as a reason to exit by menn who may not have wanted to be with you long term to begin with.
When we love someone and I am not talking about lust, but true love, we can accept the fact that we all have skeletons, or crutches in life. The things you say in the beginning that could make a man run, could actually bring him closer when he’s actually had the time to get to know you and love you for who you are.
“I love you”, there I said it and it wasn’t that hard. However, with some men, to get them to say those three little words is like pulling teeth. They simply refuse to say it and I know its frustrating to the women whom they share their lives with. Last weekend I went to meet with some male friends after work and a couple of female friends tagged along.
Over a few beers we engaged in this terrific conversation about why it’s so damn hard for men to profess their love for a woman. One of my female friends confessed that her boyfriend of nearly two years has never uttered those words. She stated that several times he’s came close but the answer she gets most when she says it to him is “Ditto”.
She said that after all of this time together she knows that he really loves her (evident in the three calls she got in a 2 hour period), but he simply cannot utter those simple words. Oh, and at the end of one of the calls she placed him on speakerphone and told him she loved him before the call ended. You know what his response was? “Me too!”
One of my male friends attempted to explain away why we don’t say it by insisting that if we told every woman we dated that we loved them then the words eventually become hollow. He went on to say that love to him meant forever! He also added that forever, was a very long time and he wasn’t ready for that type of commitment.
Another friend chimed in and his version was a little bit graphic. I had to chastise him for his depiction of what women would do just to hear those three little words. After the beer we had drank, I think he forgot that we were in the company of two women.
His take on the words was that it has opened a lot of doors (and legs) for him. He continued that he utilizes these words as a tool to satisfy his urges and get him out of hot water if necessary. He went on to tell us how he had dated this girl for six months and still no action (meaning sex). He said he really liked her and they spent countless hours together at dinner and he even took her on a couple of trips to Cancun.
However, he said that it was always the same excuse (his words, not mine), that whenever they got to the good part she would tell him that she wasn’t ready. He said it was cool for awhile and it became a game to him, but then he grew tired and decided it was time to move on. According to him she continued calling him and although he wasn’t interested anymore he felt that if he walked away now after warming her up, some other idiot might hit the jackpot and he would be pissed.
So one night she called and he explained that he simply felt that the relationship wasn’t leading anywhere. He said that she took it well, however right before he hung up he decided to try his secret weapon (as he called it), and said “I love you” before he hung up. According to him she was at his door less than an hour later and he hit the jackpot for several months. That is until he discovered that several other men must have told her the same thing because she was sleeping with her ex and her apartments maintenance man during the same time. (The two women with us got a kick out of that, with one reminding him that’s what he gets for misusing the words.)
We moved our conversation from the pool tables to a large booth and another male in the group decided it was his turn to chime in. He relayed that old story that women wanted sensitive men, so he has made it a point to let any woman that he was dating know exactly how he felt. His position was that you shouldn’t keep people guessing, you should let them know exactly where they stand.
He went on to proclaim that he tells his current girlfriend that he loves her all of the time. When asked how long they had been together he stated 3 months, at which my now nearly drunk friend (above), told him he was a sell out to men everywhere. LOL. He also informed him that he should be careful because once you tell them you love them it’s hard to get rid of them. At this point I cut off his drinking.
When my second friend continued he explained that he’d only said that to women he really cared about and it had taken him time (albeit 3 mos) to be able to open up the his current girlfriend. He went on to say that he was pretty sure that she was the one he’d spend his future with and he looked forward to growing old together. At this point the two women with us were swooning at his honesty. Unfortunately my nearly drunk friend wasn’t having it, and reminded him that he had told us the same thing about his former girlfriend. (I quickly ordered him a hot coffee)
Now it was the second female of the groups time to add to the conversation. Wine has a special affect on women and I for one like the way it mellow them if consumed in moderation. She is normally quiet and somewhat shy and I have to admit it surprised me that she wanted to hang out with us.
She said that in her younger years that she had fallen prey to guys whom just said those words to convince her they were sincere (We all looked at my half drunken friend). But as she matured she realized that it wasn’t so much the words but the actions she concerned herself with now. She continued by stating that she had been seduced by several men whom professed their love for her and in return she was cheated on and in one relationship physically abused.
Continuing she said yes, women enjoy hearing those words and many times they seek them from men to clarify their positions in their lives. However, she cautioned that what good are the words if his actions don’t match what he’s telling you over and over again. She looked across the table to the other female member of the group and told her that although her boyfriend won’t say the words, she should know that he really loves you. She said it was evident in the way he looks at her and listens to her. She went on to say that she remembered days when he had left his job to pick her up at work because she didn’t feel good and then took the rest of the day off to care for her. (I looked over and they both had tears welling up in their eyes.)
For her she went on, now it wasn’t the words anymore. It now was all about the actions of the person she chose to be with. Her next man (when she said this my near drunk friend perked up) according to her would be someone who cared about her and showed her how he feels because the words can sometimes be hallow. She finished by saying that women put too much emphasis on what men say and not enough on how they act in relationships. It was nice to hear her say this, however, the mood was broken because as soon as she finished and we were all basking in her words my near drunk friend looked at her and said, “I love you”! We all broke into laughter and he fell asleep not realizing what he had just said.
It was a good night, shooting pool and having drinks with friends. I learned from each of them and I hope there is something in their conversations that can assist you as well. It amazes me how differently we view the same subject, but then again I guess we really are.
Oh, before I leave you today maybe I should tell you what I said on the subject. I won’t write it here because it will make the post run rather long and for many of you the discussions of my friends may be enough. However, for those of you that would like to hear my take on this topic, you can read it in my discussions by visiting Anonymousmale1 on facebook. See you there!
Last week I ran into a good friend whom I hadn’t seen for almost a month. The last time I had seen her she was beaming about her new boyfriend and how much she really liked him. Once our greetings were over I asked how her boyfriend was doing and instantly her facial expression changed.
I immediately recognized that something had occurred and waited for the tears to begin flowing. To insure that she didn’t fall apart in front of everyone there, I asked if she had time to go to Starbucks with me. She agreed and after receiving our drinks we settled down on a comfortable couch and she without any prodding on my behalf explained that the relationship had unraveled.
According to her things had been going great for the first few months and then she had noticed a change. A slight change at first and then he became distant and it had become noticeable. She then went on to inform me that one day (while on the phone) she simply asked him if everything was OK between them and after a brief pause, (which she said made her heart skip a beat). He informed her that he felt that they just were not compatible.
She told me that day, that he went on to tell her that there were things that she did that he simply didn’t like. She said she inquired as to what things and she said that he rambled on about the way she acted with her friends and other none sense. When she asked why he had never brought this to her attention, he told her the following; “Because I think that you would have changed and it’s not fair that you change your personality just for me.”
She was very hurt by this and to add insult to injury, he gave her the standard line about wanting to remain friends and how if she didn’t mind he’d still like to hang out with some of her friends whom he’d grown to like. She told me that she was uncomfortable with the idea of remaining friends with him because as she put it, “He sure thought we were compatible while we were in bed together.”
During this conversation I was there solely to lend emotional support to a friend whom had been hurt. I kept my opinions and feelings to myself, because what she really needed was someone to listen to her so that she could get all of this frustration and anger off of her chest. I obliged her and listened to every single word. In the end we left Starbucks laughing as I had slowly moved the conversation into a different more positive direction, one about mutual friends and associates. However, I left her with this message “Some men simply do not know what they have, until later they discover it was what they had, and it’s too late to get it back.”
Driving away from the mall that day I thought about my friend and I thought about all of you and the heart breaks many of you may have suffered. I also thought about the callous way her boyfriend ended the relationship (over the phone) and the lame excuse he used to do it. I then thought about all of the excuses men utilize to break up with women, and believe me, they’re all excuses (or rather lies) because they don’t possess the intestinal fortitude to tell you the truth. So for this reason I give you, 10 Excuses men use to break up with you, and what they really mean.
10) I really need to focus on my future so being in a relationship is just not good for me right now.
Real meaning: I want out of this relationship because I am bored with you or I already have a new girlfriend in mind.
9) I am leaving for _(fill in the blank)__ in a few months and its best we end the relationship now so that you are not hurt when I am gone.
Real meaning: Before I get out of here I want to chase as many women (your friends included) as possible and I don’t want to have to argue with you about what I do before I depart. (If I actually leave because I really may not leave and if this is the case I just want to chase women without having to feel guilty)
8 ) I cannot get my ex-girlfriend out of my head. I am still in love with her and its unfair to you for us be together when I am thinking about her.
Real meaning: I didn’t care about her when I was with her, but if this excuse allows me to get out of being with you too, especially since I’ve already slept with you it’s cool.
7) You’re simply too good for me, you deserve someone better.
Real meaning: You won’t sleep with me and I am tired of wasting my time trying anymore. I also know that you’re not about to put up with my crap and I am not about to change so lets end this now so I can do everything I want without worry of reprisal. (Many times guys in this situation will hope that by breaking up with you, you’ll do anything to keep them, especially sleep with them for the first time. Then they’ll leave you anyway.)
6) I cheated on you and you deserve better so I need to end this now. I was drunk and slept with someone else.
Real meaning: I have had my eye on someone else for quit some time now and finally I am getting closer. Her only sticking point is that I have a girlfriend, so if I get rid of you fast I can get with her. Nothing will make you drop me faster that admitting I cheated on you, at least I hope so anyway.
5) You cheated on me, so I am dumping you. I cannot be with you because every time I look at you I think about you being with him. (This really works on women if they drink and party a lot)
Real meaning: Sexually you have nothing else to offer and I’m not interested in being with a lush, so although this incident didn’t really happen, you’ll never know because you were passed out drunk and can’t remember anyway. By using this excuse you’ll blame yourself and I’ll be home free for my next conquest.
4) We’re not compatible so I think it’s better for us both to break up and move on. I still want to be friends though.
Real meaning: I was never really in to you. However, you filled my sexual void and now that I have my confidence back I am out of here.
3) You’re smothering me. I need my space to breath, so its best that we end this.
Real meaning: You have nothing more to offer me. It wasn’t smothering when I was at your place everyday begging you to sleep with me. Now that I have accomplished my objective, I am on to my next victim.
2) You’re too busy for me. I don’t want to get in the way of your career, so lets end it now before you get hurt.
Real meaning: The time you do have free for him interferes with the things he wants to do which is probably something you’d disapprove of. Also, if there is any truth to you being busy, he probably already has your replacement primed to go.
1) Nothing! (He lets you make up the excuse)
Real meaning: He simply stops taking your calls. He stops calling you and by chance if you do reach him he informs you he is busy. He swears he will call you back but you know he won’t. In the end, you realize that it’s over and you think of all the reasons why it died on your own. However, in reality he probably found someone else and didn’t have the guts to tell you. So by simply ignoring you he knew eventually you’d let go and both of you could move on. Especially him!
These are simply a few excuses men utilize to break up with women they once stated they loved. I am sure you’ve all heard them in one variation or another. If you can think of one that is not on this list, please place it in the comments section for others to read. Women can never have too much information to assist them in the relationships they have or may have in the future.
Almost everyone I know sets goals for everything they do in life, that’s why most if not all are successful. We as people set goals for life, business, school, sports and almost everything in between. Recently while looking at the goals I set for this blog (posted on my bathroom mirror) I realized that although I am close to achieving almost every single one I began to wonder, if goals are good for everything else in life why not for relationships?
Do women set goals for relationships? If you do, how successful have you been with it? I’d like to know, because if it works for you I think it would be great to share it with other women who may want to try it.
However, since this is something that just slapped me in the face while shaving I figured I’d share possible goals women could utilize for their relationships. I hope this helps someone out there to eliminate wasting time on hopeless men and years they’ll never get back in doing so. By following these guidelines it may get you to the perfect man in a shorter amount of time therefore avoiding all men that are simply just unworthy of you. So lets begin with setting goals for your relationship, OK?
Now, back to those goals we need to set. First off we’ve all seen women both friends, sisters, nieces, daughters and cousins who have been in long term relationships with men and they are no closer to getting married years later than they were when they first entered the relationship.
Honestly this is not good at least that’s my opinion on the matter. Why spend your youthful days on someone who has no intention of marrying you? People split up all the time and to waste five years on a man only for the two of you to break-up is crazy. That means for five long years you’ve been off the market and missed out on the chance to meet many single men whom would have loved nothing more that to have you as his wife and life mate. Unfortunately, you were tied up on a promise that never came. You know the promise, “Eventually, we’ll get married.” Hell, when? All those excuses about let’s finish our degrees, wait until we have enough money saved, I’m happy the way we are and my personal favorite, “Why should we get married, we’ve been together longer than our friends and now they’re divorced?” All this is just a smoke screen for the real fact that he’s comfortable with you but he’s not about to make the ultimate commitment to show you and the world, how much.
How many of us know women whom have lived with a guy for a long time, helped him finish school or some other form of professional training with the hopes that when he had completed it they would get married? Only to have him complete it and then leave her to marry someone else? Probably all of us know someone just like this and it’s sad.
So for our short term goal lets start with this: Determine exactly how long you should stay with a person before you know if he’s marriage material or not. (Remember this is short term, so typically it should be six months to a year)
Lets look at this for what it’s worth. Why do you need a long term relationship to get married? We can look at this from two different perspectives, some say you should be with someone for several years before getting married, I don’t think so, I think a year, possibly two is a good time and I’ll tell you why.
If you spend three, four years with someone you know everything about them. You’ve heard all of their jokes, know their weaknesses and can finish their sentences. Love making is not new to you two, you’ve been doing it for several years now. What could you possibly have to talk about that could keep you interested in the first years of marriage? Probably nothing because you already know everything about one another.
Now, you take the same two people and they get married after one year. They have so much to talk about, they’re still learning about each other. Sexually they’re still exploring one another and it’s fun because now you live together as man and wife. I’ve been married for awhile now and my wife still tells me stories about her childhood that keep me on the edge of my seat with laughter. These stories were great for teasing my in-laws on their visits. Hell, if we went out for five years before we got married these stories and conversations would be old to me by now and the sexual aspect would have too.
So don’t let some guy with a promise of a ring turn you into a spinster. Refuse to let some idiot whom doesn’t know or possibly care that he’s wasting your youth and looks by stringing you along with the promise of marriage. If he was going to marry you, it really should have been done before you knew everything about him, his family, his distant relatives, his classmates and everything in between.
There are really no excuses for not marrying a woman you profess serious love for. Money cannot be an issue, because once you are married you can combine incomes and work together to save your nest egg. Buying a home? It cracks me up when some idiot tells me that first he wants to own a home before he gets married so they’ll have somewhere to stay. Whatever, first off why would you chose a home before you get married for a wife you don’t have? Then when you get a wife, what makes you think she will really like to live in the home that you expect her to help you pay for and gave her no opportunity to select? Just a thought.
So now, if you’ve committed giving 6 months to a year to determine this fact then you also need a second goal in order to shore up the first one. This goal will be to determine how long you are willing to wait to become engaged. If it takes approximately 6 months for you to know if he is actually a very good man and you two are definitely and item and feel the same for one another then a reasonable goal of an additional 6 months to become engaged should be in order. This then becomes your intermediate goal.
For the long term goal which is the most important is the amount of time you will be willing to remain engaged and off the market before getting married which should be the ultimate objective. Oh, and remember this: “The goal is where we want to be. The objectives are the steps needed to get you there.” By my estimation and again this is simply my way of thinking, a reasonable amount of time between engagement to marriage is one year. A year allows you and he to plan your marriage without rushing and have enough time to iron out any wrinkles in the process. More than a year to me (and again this is simply my thinking) is simply another stall tactic that will string you along again and again.
Now I understand that some women may not be ready for marriage, and that’s fine, its their choice, their right. However, I am writing this post for those of you who feel that living with a man for years without some clear defined plan for the future is simply unacceptable.
Yes believe me when I tell you that I do know that people get married and then divorced. I know it happens all of the time worldwide. I also know that from the female standpoint it would be much better to tell your next man that you were married and it didn’t work, as compared to well, we lived together for 9 years and then one day he told me he was in love with someone else.
The first statement the new man thinks, “Damn he must have been an idiot to let a beautiful woman like you get away!” If its the second statement, the same man will be thinking, “Damn, you must be an idiot to stay with a guy that long without a ring.” What would you like the next man (if there is one) to think about you?
By now many of you are thinking, should I let him know about my goals for my future? My answer is “You’re damn right you should.” Before you ever jump into bed with him or commit yourself to a so called dating relationship. Now some of you will think that to mention marriage to a man you just started seeing is ludicrous. You think it will scare him off somehow, right. Well to this I say, B.S! The talk of marriage only scare men that have as their only goal to get you into bed. Any real man will listen to you and your goals, think about them for awhile and decide if they are acceptable and realistic goals for him and his future as well. He won’t comment on them right away, he’ll think about them and you while he determines if you are the right one or not. This is cool, because your short term goal was to determine if he was marriage material or not anyway.
Note:It is very important for you determine before ever sleeping with a man you like or have feelings for if you two are in a relationship or not. You do this by asking; “Are we officially a couple now, or is this something you just want to do?” Asking him this way gives him an out, in the event that all he wanted was sex. It gives you an out as well, because if he is honest enough to tell you the truth he may be worth still getting to know without compromising your honor and integrity. Most importantly though, you cannot stick to your goal timelines if you don’t know exactly when you started dating.
All of this of course is simply a thought that hopefully assist many of you. However, before you decide if setting a relationship goal for yourself I suggest taking a look at your current relationship. How long have you been together? A year, two, five or more, where is it headed? Will he ever marry you or are you content with being his live in lover forever or until he decides to move on? Look at your friends relationships as well and ask yourself where they are going in it.
Question, how many of you have been in long term relationships only to break-up and your ex married his next girlfriend within a year? This happens a lot, women break a man in and the next woman benefits from all of your hard work and suffering. By suffering, I mean the heartbreak associated with breaking up after many years of being together, and then again because he is now married and you’re in another long term relationship. When will it end? I tell you when, the day you decide to set goals for your relationship future. It can’t hurt, can it?
Oh, and one final lifetime goal: To remain married until death do us part, amen!
I received a message from Comieko, a friend on my Facebook fan page and she had an idea for a post for this blog. She inquired if I could write about what men want in a woman. I thought that this might be interesting as well, so I responded to her message and informed her that I would write a post on this subject.
However, I know exactly what I wanted in a woman, (got it) but all men are different in what they seek for a lifetime partner. I needed help, so I picked up the phone and contacted single friends of mine. I called guys whom are lawyers, investigators, night club owners, Cops, athletes, teachers, freight train engineers, business owners, military members and more.
To enhance the study group, I went out and simply started conversations with men I didn’t even know. Most people would consider this difficult, however it’s a part of my job anyway (extracting information from people). So getting these virtual strangers to tell me what they were seeking in women was an easy task. Funny thing though, I would approach each and begin the conversation about sports and in the end begin complaining about my (fictitious)girl. Ten minutes later I would ask, why can’t I find a perfect girl and we would compare notes.
So after interviewing approximately 60 men from all walks of life, I compiled the information and created a list based on “What men want in a woman”. Some of it surprised me, some of it reminded me that nothing has changed in the singles world and some of it made me laugh because I realised that every single woman on this planet is just like the one men really want.
*** Note*** This list is composed of the items based on the percentage of men who stated them and in the order that they arrive is based on which item had the highest percentage.
Let me not keep you guys waiting and get on with why you are here, so you too can know what it is that men want in you.
10 Things guys really want in a woman:
10) Great Sex:
Personally I think that this came in last because I wasn’t really interested in what men wanted women to do in bed sexually, sorry. I tended to steer the conversation in a different direction when this topic became to descriptive. Maybe its me, but what people do behind closed doors I think should remain there. However, with that said, I need to add that hanging a wicker basket from your ceiling so that you can reminisce about a fling you had in a Bangkok massage parlor will not get you the woman of your dreams Mr. Davis from Montreal. But then again it might.
Most of the guys I talked to were able to get their point across without being so blunt. However, several, (Mr. Davis being one) felt the need to relive old conquests. (I pity the woman who ends up with this guy). It didn’t help matters that the Adult Entertainment Convention was in town as well, and although he was here for the CES Convention he seemed to think every woman in Vegas was from the Porn industry.
On the other hand guys like Matt from Seattle and Chen from Hong Kong were much more mature in this arena. These are two guys whom basically informed me that they knew that although sex was important, they simply didn’t worry about it as much as finding a woman they enjoyed being with out of bed just as much.
Steve a bus driver from New York, still single by the way, informed me that his parents had been married for 30 years. He said that his father told him years ago that the sexual aspect of the relationship will taper off, but the actual love he should have for the woman in his life will grow stronger over time. In his fathers words, “Love is better than sex when its real.” I have to admit, I agree with his fathers assessment.
9) Dresses nice:
The great thing about conducting these interviews (so to speak) in Las Vegas was that whenever I was having a conversation there were so many beautiful women walking around. This gave me the opportunity to observe what men thought by watching their eyes and listening to their comments concerning the different attire women wore.
I was sitting at the Halo Bar in the Miracle Mile Shops at Planet Hollywood on a Friday night and struck up a conversation with Mike, a Military helicopter Pilot Stationed in Korea. As we sat there talking about what he wanted in a woman when a cute girl walked by and he turned to look to the point where I thought he was going to spill the drink I had just brought him.
When he gained his focus again you know what he said? “She’d be good for a one night stand.” I understood exactly why he made this statement. Although she was very pretty, her beauty was overshadowed by the very, very short skirt she was wearing, not to mention the blouse that was unbuttoned damn near to her waist.
Men are very visual when it comes to women and I’ve written this more than once, “The way you dress determines how men perceive you.” In this instance he had fully determined that she was someone he would possibly sleep with, but only once!
Later another beautiful young woman passed by the bar. She was very well dressed, nice slacks, heels, make-up and beautiful hair. He turned and they made eye contact, he spoke to her in a very kind and polite manner and she responded, politely. He didn’t look at her as a piece of meat, it was almost gentle. When she was past his line of vision he didn’t turn to look at her back side, he looked down and almost smiled.
Quickly I asked what was the major difference between the two women? He answered exactly as I thought he would. He said that the first woman exuded sexuality which was very appealing to him. However, the second woman was more like a woman he would actually like to get to know better. He went on to say that she dressed in a fashion that stated that she was professional, confident, mature and beautiful. He finished by saying that she was the type of woman who he could easily introduce to his mother. Strange huh? But wait, it gets stranger because I was bored.
I sent out a quick text and within five minutes both women arrived at the bar. I introduced him to them both and he almost fainted. Why? Because they are actually identical twins! He hadn’t noticed because of the differences in the way they had dressed. They are old friends of mine that I have known for several years and since they were in town I asked them to participate in my little study. They agreed as long as I promised to take them to dinner afterwards which I was going to do anyway, lol.
I only did this to Mike, and I never explained to him why. I did explain to him that he had proven a point that would be advantageous to women everywhere. He was a good sport and I wish him well in the Military.
Others that bought up this subject, like Ben, a student from Boise State (here for the Las Vegas Bowl) echoed like all the rest. A womans dress and appearance is important in that they would like for her to be appealing to them but not in a way that garners too much unwanted attention. This brings me back to something men spoke about often and you will see it again later in this post, jeans and a nice top are always good.
8) Has her own life:
Scott a Sports Store owner from Miami was the first to bring up this topic. He informed me that it was important to him to have a woman who had her own career, life and friends. He felt as did the others that I talked to later that if she possesses these things in her life it increased the chances of the relationship growing.
Eric a Bartender from Bellevue Nebraska, stated that if her friends are your friends and her job is your job then at the end of the day you have absolutely nothing to talk about. Eric’s friend Jason, an Insurance Agent echoed the sentiment and added, “If she has her own life, job and friends it ensures that as a couple you have plenty to talk about that’s interesting. He said his last girlfriend worked with him and the thing that drove him crazy was that when she was pissed at him, everyone at work knew it and it made it difficult for him at work as well as at the home they shared.
Eventually he said he resigned his position hoping it would help their relationship if he work elsewhere. He said this worked for a while but in the end although he had a different job they still shared all of the same friends. He went on to tell me that is why you should never date someone you work with, two people sharing the same life is difficult and boring.
I wanted to know how did they explain the countless numbers of married people who own business’s together? Eric informed me that being married is different. He went on to say that when you are married, you know that this is the person you’ve selected to spend the rest of your life with. You already know that you are compatible with her and spending time with her every single moment is a pleasure, or should be. Spending every waking moment with a woman you’re trying to determine if she will one day be your wife is a recipe for burnout, he added.
I am not sure if they are right or not, but I do know this on the subject. My wife and I met at work years ago, although we shared a couple of common friends, for the most part we did not. I left the company within a few months of us becoming a pair and we’ve never worked together since.
I seldom visit her at work and I think she has been to my office only a couple of times. I find it interesting to attempt to place faces on the people she talks about in her stories about her work and I am sure she’d say the same. Either way, I enjoy her stories of humor and frustration in her work environment and I think she enjoys the fact that I listen allowing her the opportunity to vent from time to time.
Now that we are in Vegas, we don’t have any real common friends. The friends that we do have are ones that we met on the job. I’ve only met two of her friends and she only one of mine. I am not sure if this helps but hopefully you get the picture. If not maybe this will, we still have a lot of interesting things to talk to one another about every single day and I look forward to our conversations.
7) Shared interests:
Do you like football? Basketball? Baseball? Soccer? Do you follow any sport? If not you may want to learn a little about one or all of them. Men do many things to be able to meet women, anything to have a way of breaking the ice and share a passion. However, we draw a line at basket weaving or bargain shopping.
If you would like to meet some really good men, try this: Visit Las Vegas during football season. Buy yourself a nice football jersey (they make them for women as well), and visit one of the many sports books around the city. Breaking the ice has never been easy. You’ll meet men from all walks of life, some who will of course want to date you because you share a common bond and others whom will just enjoy the fact that you are there as a fan of the game.
While talking to Russell, (a Stock broker) from New Jersey, an attractive female entered the sports book alone wearing a NY Giants jersey and a pair of Levi jeans (more about the jeans later). She sat alone and watched the game, Russell continued to watch her to see if she was waiting for someone. After a short period of time he excused him self and approached her. He of course was wearing a NY Jets jersey and I figured the meeting would be very interesting.
From a distance I observed him approach and with a smile on his face extend his hands in a non confrontational manner and then they both laughed. I couldn’t hear the conversation but judging by the laughter I could tell that he may have made a connection.
A few minutes later he returned so I thought we would finish our conversation. However, I was wrong, Russell apologized for having to leave, grabbed his drink and headed to the table with the female. However, before parting he left me with this statement; “I love women who enjoy football, even if she does like the Giants. I think I may have met my future wife.”
That was a bold statement to make concerning a woman he has met less than three minutes earlier, but who knows, stranger things have happened in Las Vegas.
Now lets look at this situation from her perspective. She prepared herself by enjoying a game that she knew men enjoyed and apparently she does too. She dressed to blend in which also created an automatic icebreaker for any man who cared to approach. Armed with her knowledge of the game she had turned her football passion into a target rich environment of available single men.
My wife loves sports. She’s a Dallas Cowboys fan, but I don’t hold it against her. When I first got married we had recently moved to LA. My new friends loved to go to sports bars on Sundays to watch the games. They’d ask if I would like to come along and I would decline. After awhile they would jazz me about being married and not being able to get out of the house without permission. Finally one day when they asked if I would like to watch a Monday night game at a bar close to work, I figured I had better let them in on my secret.
I wanted to stay home and enjoy the game with my wife. This way I could spend time with her doing something we both enjoyed, I could eat and drink beer without paying through the nose and not have to worry about getting stopped for driving under the influence. Make sense? My friends thought so too, so instead they asked if they could come to my place to watch the game. Since my wife hadn’t really gotten to know them it was the perfect opportunity for them to do so. Within a month many of them would stop by on game days with their wives and girlfriends and we turned the whole thing into an event.
In the end, even the girlfriends who didn’t like football learned to enjoy it. It gave them something else to be able to do together. Years later when I call these guys during football season on a Sunday, instead of being at a bar I can hear their wives cheering in the background from their living room. It’s amazing how a small insignificant sport can create a bond between the sexes if allowed.
When education came up in the first conversation I had it was with Jayden from Singapore. With him he wanted a woman whose education level matched his own which is understandable. However later when it was brought up it became apparent that it was for different reasons.
Other men such as Mateo from Hawaii expressed that he liked women whom were educated for the sake of being able to hold conversations on any subject. Others echoed his words as time went by. What I gathered was that these men liked women whom were knowledgeable in current events. They particularly seemed to like women whom expressed their own opinions on topics. Rod, a bull rider from Casper Wyoming chimed in to say that there is nothing more frustrating than to have a woman who for months, your opinion is her opinion, then to come home one day and her opinion is totally different. He said this opens too many questions for him, the first being who the hell is she and where did she come from? The second being that these new opinions may be the opinions of the man she met when you were away on tour. He went on to say that either way when this happened to him in the past he knew it was a signal that the relationship was pretty much over.
Most of the men I talked to not only prefer a woman who is versed on current events but they also informed me that they enjoyed it even more if from time to time their opinions differed. As Troy a banker from London stated, there is nothing like a healthy debate between loved ones to bring you even closer.
I understand this thought process perfectly. My wife and I have been debating whether College athletes should be paid or not for many years. I think they should and she feels that fair compensation is the scholarship to attend school they accepted. Who knows who’s right on this subject, but if it gives us something to passionately discuss I really don’t care.
5) A sense of humor:
We all like to laugh don’t we? It’s healthy for you and it increases your quality of life, especially if you have a woman who makes you laugh. There is nothing like having a woman with a great sense of humor (especially for those days when you do something wrong). Men like to come home and know that instead of an argument after confessing his mistake, they can laugh about it for years.
In my marriage believe me when I tell you that I have made some huge mistakes, huge! However, my wife has a way of making fun of me in a joking way and I appreciate it more than if she hammered me on it. I get the message, I screwed up, again, we laugh about it and move on having learned from it.
Being silly with the one you love is priceless! According to Les a music teacher from Torrance California, he actively sought out a woman with a sense of humor to ensure his relationship would remain fun. He stated that the relationship before his current one was way too serious, he said it became stressful to him so he bailed out. His new girl, according to him makes him smile by simply walking into the room and this is a year and a half later.
While I was taking to him over a beer, his girlfriend walked up to the table and he looked at her and they both started to laugh. He said, “It took your money, didn’t it?” They both started laughing harder, later I found out that she had come to Vegas with a promise that she would only gamble with ten dollars. She had lost it in 20 minutes. Hell, I laughed too. As they bid me goodbye in route to see a show, he turned and told me, “Life is simply too much fun to be serious all the time.”
I really thought that this would be number one, man was I wrong. Beautiful yes, supermodel type, most of the guys I talked to weren’t interested in. They confessed that they think looks in women are over rated. What they expressed was important to them in the looks department was natural beauty. I have to confess, I understand exactly what they mean. Men want women who look great walking through the house with a tee-shirt on, a pair of jeans with her hair a mess and little or no make-up. Oh, and they placed special emphasis on the fact that they love women who look great in a pair of jeans, Levis is the choice according to Parker an anesthesiologist from Houston and many others.
Men prefer natural looking women to women who spend hours putting on make-up to enhance their beauty. As Thomas of Mesquite Nevada so eloquently put it, “I want a woman that appeals to me, not one that tries to appeal to every man.”
Tyler of Salt Lake City, Utah informed me that most people forget that looks fade, but personality and character remain forever.
Alan from Indiana (a pharmaceutical rep) thinks patience is very important in the women he choses because as he said, “I still do things that I shouldn’t from time to time.” Things like staying out too late with friends or making plans and forgetting to inform my partner are a few. He said he’s working on trying to be better about issues like these so that in his new girlfriend they don’t become an issue. He stated that his current girlfriend is very patient with him in this respect and that’s why he’s attempting to change his behavior.
What was funny to me was that Alan and quite a few others informed me that patience was really important because if she is patient with them they feel as though she will be a great mother to their children one-day. Rick from Idaho (a Retail Manager) laughed at the idea, and then changed his thought process after talking about it with me.
He was in Las Vegas with his girlfriend of three years at a conference she had to attend. At the end of our talk he reviewed his relationship and told me that his girlfriend had stood beside him through some very rough times whereas most women would have left him.
Before I left he asked me if it was true that you could get married anytime during the day or night in Vegas. When I left I had the strange feeling that Alan suddenly realised that his girlfriend deserved to be more than just a girlfriend. If I am right on this assessment, I wish them well as Mr and Mrs!
Women with confidence came in second with the men I interviewed. According to Dan, a Physical therapist from San Pedro, California, “If she is confident in herself, she will be more likely to be secure in the fact that she has nothing to worry about when it comes to us.” Meaning: No jealousy issues, no arguments, no complaining.
Robert, a Computer Business Owner from Arkansas informed me that if she has confidence in herself then he will be more confident in her. He went on to tell me that his last girlfriend lacked confidence and it showed in all aspects of their relationship. He said he stressed about it because he always knew that others knew she lacked confidence as well. He told me that the company he founded began to expand and he had to spend a few months on the West Coast away from her. When he returned he discovered she had been unfaithful.
He said he was sure it was because her lack of confidence led her to believe others when they told her that as his company grew he would eventually leave her. He said they had talked about this issue several times and he laughed it off because he though that she couldn’t seriously believe it. He felt she cheated so that she could kill the relationship that she thought would end anyway, even though he had worked so hard for them both.
For his next relationship, confidence will be a top priority in the woman he selects. He further informed me that he travels a lot, and he wants his next girlfriend to be confident enough to know that his heart is wherever she is.
1) A great personality:
I thought probably like you did that the number one thing would be looks. However, if that was the case we were both fooled. These guys almost all rated personality above everything else. Heath a Detective from New Zealand stated, “What the hell good does it do you if she looks fantastic but you can’t stand to be around her?” With that statement, I concur.
Men want a woman that he is drawn to, and nothing does that like a great personality. There is nothing more beautiful than a woman with a great smile who looks at you and even if you’re delivering a package to her office she makes you feel as if she is your friend.
A great personality means that you are approachable and that regardless of the circumstances she makes you feel as though everything will be ok. I asked Todd, a Hotel Manager from Huntington West Virginia what was so important about personality to him and he took a drink of his beer and told me this; “Women with good personalities and a great outlook on life tend to make you feel as though you can do anything.” He added, “It’s also good that when you return home at the end of a hard day, you know that she will be in a good mood which in return will brighten your otherwise dreary day.”
Talking to Adam from New Mexico, a website designer while at Aria in the City Center a very beautiful young woman walked by. Adam politely said hello and she totally ignored him. His personality quickly changed and I could tell he wanted to say something negative about her.
He settled down and then he said, ” The one thing I cannot stand is a woman who thinks she is so pretty that she has no personality at all, or if she does it’s a shitty one!” I let him ramble on for a few minutes as he went on to tell me that he had simply spoken to her to be friendly, not to try to pick her up.
I thought this was the perfect time to inquire as to exactly how important he thought personality was when chosing a woman. His reply: It’s by far the most important aspect of the selection process if you’re looking for a long-term relationship. If it’s simply just for a roll in the hay, it’s dead last. Like the girl I just spoke to, he continued. She has no personality to speak of. Yep, she was pretty, but after not even having the social graces to speak back to someone who said hello, more than likely she’s probably just a pure bitch! Who wants to spend long-term with someone like that?
I asked if he had a girlfriend or wife and he informed me that he did, that she would be down shortly. He was still a little heated about the snub, and at that moment I remembered that generally men have support groups during these moments. this is usually the time when male friends pump up a mans ego by saying something like, “Dude, she was fat anyway or some other insult to make their friend feel better. Hey, I’m married so I’m not about to plug some guys bruised ego about a girl I know absolutely nothing about.
Later, the same girl came by and he started to steam again and I noticed it quickly. I excused myself and walked towards the girl and made eye contact. I spoke to her and she politely waved and I followed her and another female towards another part of the room where they were sitting. From a distance I watched and I observed that they held conversation using sign language.
I didn’t return to the table with Adam, because I understand that many men lack great personalities as well. Although Adam professes to having a girlfriend (which I didn’t see) he above most should understand that having a pleasant personality is something that goes both ways.
I hope that this post if nothing else shows you that in reality no one really knows what men want. Each of us, both men and women are very different in our likes and dislikes when chosing a mate. The list above simply give you an idea of the things men want, however more importantly it lacks what men actually need in a woman.
When talking to all of these men, I noted that not one of them expressed what they needed in a woman. However, they all quickly expressed what they wanted in one. So since they failed to tell us what they need, I decided to tell you what I know each and every man needs in order to make a perfect relationship for his future. Simply put, they need you!