Could your man survive The Pregnacy Test?


Before I get started and explain the title above, I would first like to wish each and everyone of you a very Happy New Year! Many of you have written to me inquiring about my absence and I appreciate your letters. To those whom were left to simply wonder, I have been busy preparing (finally) for the release of the book “Eavesdropping in the Boys Club”. I will provide further details later.

However today I would like to talk to you about something different by far. Hopefully you will find it as interesting as I did.

Recently, I was out with several friends and co-workers and as usual we began talking about relationships, with women on one side of the topic, my male friends on the other and me right square in the middle. Lol!

One of the females who worked in a different department is a 30 year old very attractive young woman who has been married for 4 years. Happily married as she explained it.

During the conversation she explained a very fascinating plan that she had created to determine if a man was really worthy of being with her or not. As men in the group cringed at this revelation I sat in awe as this young woman described how she set about eliminating men from her life that she simply thought were a waste of her time.

She stated that she came up with the idea while she was in college. During her sophomore year her roommate had become pregnant. She stated that she was very close to her roommate and the roommates boyfriend. For days she stated that she watched her roommate struggle with how to inform her boyfriend that she was pregnant as if it was all of her fault, if there was any fault at all.

She went on to tell us that she had known these two people since high school and even there they were a couple and as with everyone that knew them she thought that they were destined to be together forever anyway. So, she thought one night as she went to sleep, whats the big deal?

The next night her roommate returned to their dorm room hysterical. The boyfriend had accused her of cheating on him among other things to include trying to trap him into marriage. She said her roommate was inconsolable, crushed by the turn of events. The roommate dropped out of school the next day to return home.

My friend stated that she saw the boyfriend from time to time and that he could never even look her in the eye, let alone speak to her. To her he simply became a piece of shit!

During this time, she stated that she had a boyfriend of her own and that they had talked about this situation while it was going on. He had admirably informed her that had it been her that was pregnant, that they would have discussed it to determine what was best for them all. She said, being a 19 year old girl, this sounded really good to me.

As the year passed, she said that she still couldn’t shake the emotions that she had in regards to her roommates situation. She said that she spent countless hours unable to sleep and in her restlessness she decided that before she allowed any man to waste too much of her time only be determined that he wasn’t worthy, he’d have to pass a simple test.

She went on to say that it started with her boyfriend. They’d been dating exclusively for approximately 2 years and he swore that he loved her. One night she went to his house and proclaimed that she was pregnant. She said that upon hearing that, the blood completely drained from his face. She thought that he was going to pass out. After gathering himself, she said the first thing out of his mouth was, “Is it mine?”

She stated that she quickly did an about face and informed him, “No, it’s not!” She said that she quickly marched out the door, crying all the way to back to her dorm. According to her, he called and she refused to answer the phone. He also came by but she refused to answer the door, apologizing through the door for his words. She said he even stood outside her classroom waiting for her to come out so that he could talk to her. Nothing he could say would make her come back to him because she said she now knew exactly who and what he was.To her, he wasn’t a man, but merely a boy whom constantly wanted men type of fun, but none of the responsibility in the event things went wrong.

She said that she took a break from men and didn’t date seriously until she was began working on her Masters degree. While working on her Masters she was employed as a Cosmetics Counter Manager at a large Mall. There she met a young store manager and they became a couple.

She stated that he said and did all of the right things to attract her and her family loved him as his loved her. He was way on his way to becoming a General Manager for the company he worked for, owned his own home which he begged her to move into. She stated that she refused telling him it was too soon, even after almost a year of dating. Loving the guy for her was an understatement, she was head over hills in love with him at this point.

They had, she said, many conversations about their futures and how his vision was for her to be a stay at home mom, while he provided for the family. However, many of those same sleepless nights would come and she would remember her roommate from college.

So, one day she said that she invited him to a nice quiet restaurant exclaiming that she had great news! He arrived, punctual as always according to her. He was excited and couldn’t wait to share in her great news. She said that she looked him in the eye and with a smile so broad said, “We’re pregnant!”

She said that there was no joy or excitement on his part. Actually, she went on, he got mad! Between the crowded restaurant and the waitress bringing their meal, he had to whisper his responses and they weren’t nice. She said that he went on by telling her that it wasn’t possible, that he had been careful and always utilized protection. He continued by informing her that it was her fault, stating that she was reckless, falling short of saying that she cheated on him. Which at that point she already determined that she would have hit him with her plate. He told her that he wasn’t prepared to be a father and that he had plans for when he became one, to include being at the top of his profession.

Halfway through the meal she stated that she got up, dropped several hundred dollars on the table to pay for the meal and left. She said that he didn’t call her or attempt to contact her again. Which by the way according to her was simply fine.

I asked her if it hurt for him to just walk away like that. She stated that she loved him and that was hard to not give in and call him and just talk, to give him the opportunity to explain since he had often talked about us being together with children. However, she went on by saying that in her weakest moments she would remember something her father told her as a kid. She said that he told her that the initial reaction is always the truth about how someone feels.

She said looking back on it, he wanted to control everything to include when and if we got married, how many kids, hell even me being a stay at home mother and wife. I wanted a partner, not another father in my life.

The third time she utilized this method of men elimination she said was approximately three years later. She said she had met a wonderful man through friends and that he lived in a nearby City which meant a long distance relationship to begin. She said that they met and she really enjoyed him because he seemed so genuine.

Soon he moved to the same town as her so that they could be together much more and really get to know one another. She went on that after being together for quite some time, she had fallen hopelessly in love with him and she was sure he felt the same way. She said that her feeling were so strong that she almost forgot about the test. However, when those sleepless nights came calling again, she tried to put it out of her mind because she was really afraid to lose him if he failed.

However, she felt it should be done just to ensure that she was being honest with herself and to make sure that she wouldn’t be wasting anymore time on someone who really wasn’t worthy of her. By this time, to make matters even more challenging, they had begun living together.

She said that she was trying to sleep and simply couldn’t, she kept thinking about her roommate from years past and it bugged her. While tossing and turning in bed attempting to sleep, her boyfriend came home from work. She said that he came in a sat on the edge of the bed trying not to awaken her. Finally after a few minutes she rolled over and turned on the lamp in the room.

Before she could say anything, he asked her if she was alright. He said that he had noticed for the past several weeks that she had been tossing and turning in her sleep. She said that before she had known it, she had blurted out, “I think I am pregnant!”

She said that he dived across the bed grabbing her into his arms screaming, in delight! She said he told her over and over again how much he loved her. She was swept away by his kindness and affection to the situation.

However, she added that afterwords he wanted to make love to her without protection seeing that he thought that they were already pregnant with child. She said she had to tell him, “Hold on babe”, we might be pregnant, we don’t know just yet. Whereas he went on to tell her that he wanted her as his wife and mother of his children, forever.

When a few days later she informed him that it was a false alarm, she said he simply smiled and gave her a huge hug and kiss. Informing her that he still wanted to marry her. She stated that this very important day informed her that he was indeed the man she was going to marry.

A year later, they were married, however, not before she confessed to him about the pregnancy test. She stated that it was an awkward moment for them both, until he broke out in laughter and told her that with child or not, he had determined way before that incident that she was the only woman for him.

They wed and the rest is history and now that they do have a child together she states that he is the best husband and father anyone could ever ask for.

She stated that when she did finally get pregnant, he ran into the restroom and came back with a pregnancy test, exclaiming that he didn’t want to get his hopes up again, to which she said that they both laughed.

Before ending her story, she did offer this advice. Her methods are not for everyone and she is sure that many may think it’s like playing tricks on men. However, she felt that it is much better to determine how he feels while you are in a position to walk away, then to wait until you actually get pregnant and are left alone with a child by a man who tricked you into believing he really cared.

As for me, I am not sure I know exactly how I feel about this test. In one hand I think that it could be considered cruel and unusual punishment, on the other hand I think that it was simply her way of making sure that regardless of the situation that she was getting a man that would stand with her and not run and hide at the most important prospect any man can face, that of being a father.

If you love someone and you’re sleeping with them, having a child could become a reality. What is unreal is the way some men face this situation. I for one being a father to a son whose mother I didn’t marry refused to run and hide. We didn’t get married, but I did my best to provide for them both. When she informed me that she was pregnant, I didn’t blink, I did what my father would have done and accepted my responsibility. Because I stood up as being a man, and my true feelings for my sons mom, we are even to this day as close as ever. I love her dearly, because she gave me the best gift that any man could ever ask for, a child!

So now, back to the topic of this article, could your relationship survive the pregnancy test?

50 Good reasons you should be in a relationship- Part 1


Wow! I was trying to sleep and unfortunately I simply couldn’t. So I dragged my pillow out to the couch and turned on that idiot box in the family room.

I figured I could locate something so boring at 3am, that I would be forced into sleep quickly. Re-runs usually do that for me. Unfortunately, even a few of those didn’t seem to be working.

After channel surfing for what seemed to be ions, I finally dozed off while watching some movie that I cannot for the life of me remember.

What I do remember was that it was in black and white, which means that it was really old. Other than that I recall that instead of actually falling into a dead sleep, I fell just enough asleep where I could still hear the dialog in my head.

In one particular scene the male lead asked his female counterpart an important question. He asked, “give me one good reason why we should be together?” and her reply, ” I can give you 100!”

That thought somehow sunk into my subconscious and when I awoke a few hours later, this dialog was stuck in my head.
So I figured this must have some meaning or purpose, right?
Well, if you know what it means please clue me in, OK?

So since by now you probably realize that I am clueless, I figured I would try to make sense of this all by writing this post. So today I will attempt to give you 50 reasons to be in a relationship. Hey, I’m a guy so even 50 is a stretch.

The female in the movie said she could give him 100 reason, right? She said this probably 50 years ago, today I should be able to do at least 50, or at least I hope I can. Wish me luck!

1) Because no one wants to be alone:

That’s right, you’ll meet some guys who profess that they enjoy being single. Some women say this same line of B.S. They’ll go on about how happy they are to be alone, and how they can do whatever they please without asking for anyone’s permission.

This lie sounds good on the surface, however if they really enjoy being alone so much, why in the hell are they calling you all the time asking to go hang out? Any relationship, well almost any (excluding abusive ones) is so much better than going home to an empty apartment to a cat/dog.

Now don’t get me wrong, I like animals but being in the company of someone you can talk and laugh with is so much more fun.

2) The special way they look at you:

Ever watch the way your friends significant other looks at them? The love is in the eyes. You can tell a lot about how a man feels about a woman just by the way he looks at her. You know something else? Women know it, they can feel his eyes gazing over them and they glow in the knowledge of being loved.

3) Missing someone:

Knowing that the person you love may be gone for whatever reason, but knowing that they will soon be back in your arms again! The anticipation is overwhelming.

4) The way they smell:

When you’re with someone they have a special smell, a scent. It can be a certain cologne, perfume or body lotion they wear. After they’re gone and you lay your head on your pillow and that scent takes you back in time.

I had a girlfriend in College and years later I walked into a Department Store and caught the scent of the perfume she used to wear. It was like I had traveled back in time, well until my wife interrupted me and asked me about the silly grin I had on my face.

5) Breaking up:

Not permanently! But those break-up where you have some silly little disagreement and you go to your place and your significant other to theirs. You both swear that you won’t call one another again, however you both jump at your cell phones with each ring hoping its the other.

Finally, one of you gives in and calls and the other is relieved because they were on the verge of calling anyway. Then you make up, promising to never let a simple misunderstanding come between you again, ever. Then you know what comes next?

6) Make-up Sex:

I don’t even have to explain this one do I? Some people pick arguments and break-up just to get this reward. If you’re one of those people, you’re sick, but if it works, more power to you!

7) Short vacations together:

There’s nothing like taking a short vacation with someone you love. Ever been to a Bed and Breakfast in Vermont in the Fall? How about driving up the Pacific Coast Highway to Monterrey, California and spending the weekend in Carmel?

Taking short trips to places neither of you have ever been is fun and exciting. It allows you the opportunity to talk, just the two of you and explore new places together.

8) Having someone to go to the movies with:

Yeah, you can go to the movies with your friends if you want to.  However, I get the feeling that theaters and Drive-ins were actually made for lovers. How else could you explain the necessity to create horror movies? Besides that, these places are dimly lit and the seats are very close together so that you can hold hands or cuddle in the dark.

Note: Anything more than cuddling could get you thrown out, so be careful.

9) It makes it easier to turn down guys you didn’t want to go out with anyway:

Thanks for asking, but I’m in a relationship. No harm, no foul. You just let him down very easily without hurting his feelings. He is able to walk away with his dignity still intact.

10) Someone listens to you:

Some days we go through life feeling as though we’re invisible. It’s like no one can see or hear us and its enough to make you want to scream. However, when you’re in a relationship you know that at least one person on this planet cares what you think and is willing to listen.

11) Butterflies:

No not the ones you see in the garden. The ones that float around in your stomach when you are with the person you love. In the beginning I have to admit they can seem more like birds than butterflies, but its all good. Don’t you agree?

12) The possibilities:

The idea that this could be your last first date or kiss for that matter. Building a new relationship is fun and exciting especially when you are positive that there is a future for it.

13) Starting over:

Ok, so your last relationship failed. A new start is generally what the doctor ordered. You should have learned a lot with your last mate. With a new mate you can put that experience into good use. There is nothing like getting a fresh new start in love.

14) Caring for someone:

It has been said that being in love is when the needs of another become more important than your own. So I guess that truly successful relationships mean that both parties subscribe to this same line of thought. End result, a well balanced love affair.

15) Late night phone conversations:

Remember when you first started out in your relationship and you’d get all excited when your phone would ring because you knew who would be on the other end? How many of you have played that game late at night after you’d been talking for hours? You know the game, right? No, you hang up,no, you hang up. Ok, lets hang up together. We’ve all played that game at least once in our lives haven’t we?

16) The anticipation of seeing that special someone again:

Getting dressed for school or work and knowing that you’ll see the person that makes your heart beat faster brings a smile to your face. You simply cannot wait to see their smiling face again and hopefully, just hopefully they’ll brush up against you or touch your hand.

17) The glow that you exude when you’re in love:

Isn’t it amazing that your friends know when you’re in love or have special feelings for someone? It’s all in the smile. You cannot hide it, love makes not smiling impossible. Even when you don’t know it you’ve got this silly little smile on your face and your mind is in a different place, a happy place. Smiling during these great times is akin to glowing. Everyone knows you’re in love.

18) The possibility of getting married:

Yep, I said it. I think all relationships begin with the thought that he/she may be the one to permanently take us off the market.  Is he/she that person? We’ll never know unless we try, right?

19) Having someone to be silly with:

 Ever notice how being in love brings out the silliness in us all? People whom are thought of as always deadly serious can surprise you when they are in love. There is nothing more enchanting than to discover that the grizzle bear of a man you met is actually a puppy at heart.

20) Getting recognized as the significant other:

Hi, aren’t you so-and-so’s girlfriend? Everyone wants a label in life and women really enjoy it, particularly when its a guy that they really like and wasn’t sure how he really felt about them. This all goes out the window as soon as you’re at an outing and someone identifies you as his girlfriend. It’s even more exciting when that someone is his mother, father or someone very close to him.

21) Surprises!:

Everyone likes surprises, even if we profess that we don’t. There is nothing like receiving a small token of appreciation that not only did you not ask for, but you didn’t expect to receive.  It’s even equally satisfying when it’s a gesture of love.  Roses are always a positive sign. If they’re sent to your work place, he gets even higher marks because he just made you the center of attention for all the co-workers that are unappreciated in their current relationships.

22) Getting to know someone:

Ever dated a person and discovered that they were entirely different than what you could have ever thought? Not in a bad way, but in a very good way.  like finding out that a guy you thought was a player, really loved kids and expressed his plans for when he finally had children of his own? Or the guy that you thought was anti-social who was the life of the party within the confines of his close family and friends? Discovering the real person is exciting and fun, don’t you think?

23) Holding hands:

It’s funny how you ex boyfriend detested holding hands in the end. However, in the beginning he wanted to hold your hand everywhere you two went to assure that everyone knew you were his. This phenomenon occurs with some men over time, however there are still many who continue to do this long after the newness of the relationship wears off. Maybe your next one will be like this.

24) Anticipating that first kiss:

So the first date went great and now he’s driving you home. You and he chit chat about various topics as you determine exactly how much you have in common. The problem is that you’re in a fog? Why? Because your answers aren’t as sharp as you’d like. You simply cannot focus on the words you’re hearing. It’s ok, because his responses aren’t as sharp as he’d like as well.

In case you didn’t know it’s because you both are preoccupied with what may happen next. You’re wondering if he will kiss you good night and trying to determine if you should allow him to or not. Or you may be hoping that he does, and how you will feel if he doesn’t. Add to this, the thought that you think you shouldn’t have had that burger with the extra onions.

On the other hand, he’s trying to plan things out because as men we like to be under control in situations like this. He is wrestling with if he should try to kiss you or not.  What is a man to do? Its a first date and he really enjoyed your company, however, if he moves too fast there may not be a second date. But then again, if he moves too slow there may not be a second date. Wow, talk about pressure!

You’re both thinking what if  an attempt is made and it is awkward? This thought makes your hearts race just thinking about it, huh? We’ve all been there before and this event is second only to the first time you about to make love.

25) Fill in the blank____________________________

I get many readers and tons of e-mail from women worldwide. I thought for #25 and the next 25 Good reasons I would ask that you ladies participate and assist me with completing the list. So if you enjoy this blog and what it represents, please give me your Good reason to be in a relationship. I will select 25 and complete the list for women everywhere. Please send your replies to anonymousmalewv@yahoo.com .

Thanks,

Anonymousmale1

Psst! Wanna know the secret to keeping your man out of another woman’s bed?


Do you really believe that the only thing men want is sex? If you do and you still have a man in your life, what exactly does that say about you? Yep, it says that you really enjoy doing the nasty too! Why hide it? Why on earth do women hide the fact that they enjoy sex just as much or more than the next guy? And I really mean guy, lol.

Sex is a fact of life, it’s been going on since the beginning of time (thus the worlds population) and the billions of dollars generated by the industry itself. You can try to deny it but not only men are looking at porn on the internet. Everyone has needs, wants and desires and if women didn’t then there would be absolutely no market for adult toys.

Now, with all of this love making occurring throughout this planet why is it that men tend to feel the need to stray and conduct business outside of his current relationship? This is the million dollar question that has been asked since the neanderthal age. Why on earth does a man with a healthy, beautiful, sexy cave woman feel the need to sleep with the cave woman on the other side of the mountain?

Over the years there has been numerous articles written on the subject and for this post, I for one  will stay away from to concentrate on a simple solution that could possibly eliminate that situation in your own relationship. Interested?

I was once informed that smart women take up all of the free time of the men that they are in a relationship with. In other words, they eliminate the chance for him to be idle, since we all know that idle hands are the devils tools, right? I am not sure if this is true but over the years I’ve heard this saying often. Maybe there is merit to it, maybe not. I don’t know, personally.

However, what I do know is that for whatever reason, men are more inclined to cheat in a relationship after he has been in it for sometime. Very few guys cheat in the beginning of a real relationship, although they will if the relationship wasn’t considered a real relationship to begin with. Interesting huh? Lets look at this statement again in laymen terms. “Chances are that he will not cheat on you in the beginning of a relationship that he actually considers real.” Meaning that he considers the two of you to be an actual couple.

Now, some of you are scratching your head in wonder as to why a man you had cheated on you in the first month, week or day of the relationship, right? Well, I am sorry to inform you of this but you thought you were in a actual relationship, but for whatever reason, he didn’t. Perception is a killer, especially when your views on where you stand differ so greatly.

So yeah, if he cheated on you very quickly, or you discovered he had another girlfriend while you were just starting out you should now know he wasn’t all in as far as being in an exclusive relationship with you. Sorry to have to tell you that.

Later yeah, if the relationship goes into routine mode and he becomes listless, he is more ample to stray. Not that it has anything to do with you, but more importantly it is a flaw in his own character. A flaw that is exploited by what he has been told on a regular basis by his male counterparts and society. 

If you are told something over and over again, at what point does it become real? Probably when you accept it as being real in your mind. How long before a man in your life allows it to become real, that once he gets married sex goes out the window? Or that being with the same woman for a long period of time is like eating the same meal, over and over again?

Comedians have made jokes about these same issues and men as well as women have all laughed, at least until it became real for the man in your life. What did Chris Rock say about being married? ” If you like f**king, marriage ain’t for you! (See video) Unfortunately, some of us buy into this thought process and chose to seek excitement elsewhere.

Women of course have been victims of societal views as well. Yeah, you know what I am talking about. You’re supposed to suppress your sexual urges, act like a lady, right. I can understand and appreciate that outside of a relationship, however, in a relationship, you should be you! So if you really enjoy sex, then now is the time to become uninhibited and enjoy yourself with someone you love who loves you as well.

Oh, let me get back on topic because you are reading this to discover how to keep your man out of another woman’s bed, right? That’s easy, think about where you are sexually in your relationship. Ask yourself, who initiates sexual contact most of the time? 10 to 1 (I live in Vegas) says it’s the man in your life. You see women most times without realizing it take their cue for sex from the male. Why? Because society has said that men have a higher sex drive than women, and if a woman has one as well then she’d be better suited by hiding it.

So what women tend to do is they wait for the male to request sex and if she is in the mood, OK, it can be done. If she is not, then he’s pissed because you’ve rebuked him. It also has falsely led women to believe that men are oversexed. Not because he actually is, but rather because you’ve reduced him into guessing when you are in the mood.

Let me try to explain this simple logic to you. You’ve went from participating in the when and where you two have sex, to waiting on him to determine when and where and you participate only if you feel up to it. It’s understandable that you are not in the mood every single time on his schedule. However, what you failed to understand is that you have buried your schedule, and didn’t even realize it and this creates a problem that may result in his diving into another woman’s bed.

Lets try looking at it this way, OK? You enjoy sex, right? You enjoy making love to the man you love, right? So why in the hell would you do it only on his schedule? That’s asinine and problematic! It also creates a view of him that is not altogether true. He’s not oversexed, its just that you’ve stopped initiating it when you want it choosing to wait until he requests to make love.

Why not try this, everyone of you have those times when you want to make love or simply have sex just like men do, right? When you get these urges which I am sure occur on a weekly basis, act on them with your man. Don’t wait until he wants you, let him know that not only do you want him but you need him to fulfill your needs as well.

Want to know what the results will be? Eventually you and he will become balanced in the bedroom. If he is getting sexual satisfaction when he wants and when you want, he’ll be less likely to look elsewhere because he’ll be too busy being satisfied at home. The thought you had of him possibly being totally consumed by sex will be a thing of the past because since now you’re selecting your own days for intimacy based on your needs  will leave him fulfilled and you happier. The only unhappy party in this equation is the adult toy industry since you’ll have little need for that device you’ve hidden away in the closet in that shoe box.

Jumping into another woman’s bed will be the last thing on his mind ever, because there is something else that is said that you may have never heard. “Men with empty scrotum’s have no reason to stray!” Lol!

The most Powerful words any man can say to you……..


In past posts I have discussed the “L” words, meaning love and like and their meaning in the relationships you’ve had or currently have. Today I would like to discuss a sentence that will, well, leave you spellbound if it ever comes out of the mouth of any man that you are dating or have dated.

Men are very proud creatures and to go along with that pride we carry around we like to think that we can control any and every situation that present itself.  Many, many men have lost women that they knew in their hearts were the perfect mate for them because they refused to tell them exactly what she needed to hear. They refused to bow and put their pride to the side in order to make their hearts happy.

There is nothing as awkward as seeing a grown man cry over a woman, it’s not pretty I must confess and it occurs more than most women could possibly imagine.  Please don’t be so cynical in your views of men to believe that  no man has ever shed a tear for the loss of a relationship with you. Because I can assure you that at least one has, maybe even more.

Unfortunately, men generally chose to suffer in silence. They tend to keep things bottled up and try to drown their heartbroken sorrow in alcohol or worse. It amazes me that more people don’t understand that regardless of how you attempt to mask your suffering, by utilizing drink or worse drugs, you only compound the problem. Not to mention, when the effects wear off, she’s still gone. Uh!

I once wrote a post where I described the emotions people go through when suffering heartbreak. Many of you commented on this description for its honesty and candor. One visitor asked me how I could so vividly describe how women feel during these unsettling moments of hurt and anguish. Well, its because I’ve suffered my share of heartbreaks as well over the years. What, you thought women had a monopoly on being heartbroken?

However, I learned my lessons and judging by the amount of years I’ve been married I feel I benefited from those earlier failures. Yep, love teaches us all and what we learn is more important than the heartbreaks we suffer in the process because it makes us into the people we will eventually be in life.

I often tell my wife that she received the finished product, molded by many women over the years and a much better man for it. At least I hope so.

Back to those powerful words that you are so interested in knowing. Most men have this idea that simply telling you that he loves you will cure any and everything that ails your relationship. That’s why so many men are so hell bent against utilizing these words. They feel if by saying them so soon and much it diminishes its meaning. Unfortunately, they also want to save it for when they really need it to keep you from leaving them. It works right? Well sometimes anyway.

However, there is one thing that all women want to hear that few men know about. Its a phrase that truly comes from the heart, with honesty and commitment. Because of the over usage of  “I love you” , this is definitely a head turner and its something that we all need to hear both women and men alike from the people we love.

I’ve told my wife this over the years and I generally get a very positive reaction. However, I tell her this because as with all people its something we need to hear but not too often as a sign of respect and appreciation.

Last week I was laying on the couch as usual after a hard day of work and flipping through the channels I stopped on a Kevin Costner movie, one of my favorites. I hadn’t seen it in years and relaxed to take it all in. Maybe you’ve seen it before, if not it’s a very good movie for both men and women. It’s called, “For the Love of the game”.

However, I must caution you that as with all of his movies it’s quite long.  The storyline for this movie is about an aging baseball pitcher who happens to meet a beautiful woman (Kelly Preston) after her car broke down. During the movie Costner’s character while pitching a game in Yankee Stadium is reflecting on  his life and relationship with Preston whom at the time of the game is at the Airport about to depart and start her life in London.

Costner reflects on their meeting, their ups and downs over a five year period. At one point, Preston informs Costner that he doesn’t need her. She says that all he needs is the ball and the diamond and everything is perfect when he’s on the mound. Costner thinks about it because this is all he has known for almost his entire life, since his father first placed a ball in his hands.

With her at the airport about to depart the U.S., he pitches the game of his life, a perfect game. However, on what should have been the happiest day of his life he had no one to share it with. I don’t want to spoil this beautiful movie for those of you who may want to check it out.

But, what I can tell you is this, in the end he uttered what could be considered the most powerful words any man can tell a woman. He didn’t tell her he loved her because she already knew that. He said, “I need you”. Everyone wants to be needed however, few men tell women this even though they know it to be true.

We need you to help us to become better people, better men, better fathers and husbands. These are not things we can do without the assistance of women like you. Men for whatever reason don’t tell women they love this important statement even though by informing you of this could make the difference between you staying or leaving.

This statement is a testimony to exactly how much you mean to him and that your contributions haven’t gone unnoticed. It tells you that he knows that he is a better person because you are in his life and that together you two can accomplish anything. It also shows that if you leave him now, he’s going to be crushed and if you didn’t know it before I explained it above, he will be heartbroken and the tears he sheds will be for you. Or rather the lack of you.

Now, if whatever he did or didn’t do to get to the point where he told you he needs you wasn’t too bad, just maybe you could possibly give him another chance, please? We all make mistakes and none of us are actually perfect even if we think at times we are.

8 Things you should never say to a man…… If you want to keep him


Sometimes, when we get just too damn comfortable too soon with a new person we tend to let our guard down and throw caution to the wind.  You have to understand that just because you feel comfortable with him doesn’t necessarily mean that he feels the same way about you. He may tell you he does, but then again he may be on the bubble with where your relationship is heading.

In my past I terminated several relationships because of a simple comment that just grated me to the point where regardless of how I tried I couldn’t get over. Looking back now, I agree I was really very shallow when it came to relationships. Now that I know this, I also understand that as a man, I am not alone and men that you have met or will meet may be shallow in the beginning as well.

With this knowledge, I figured it may benefit you to know that there are some things that you may not want to say, regardless of how comfortable you may feel in the beginning of the relationship.  However, as many of you probably know, once the relationship is defined and is solid then anything you say will not be held against you in the court of love.  (Ah, unless it’s a lie, then all bets are off.)

Moving on, lets get to “8 Things you should never say to a man, if you want to keep him!” (note: These are things that you may not want to say while you two are in the beginning stages of what you hope to be a long term relationship, ok?)

1) I want to be a stay at home mom;

  What men hear: She wants a rich guy to take care of her and do nothing but have kids. Men want partners and since for years women have preached equality, we expect you to help carry the load. Now on the other hand, if he is rich or on his way to being rich this may work out fine. However in this economy it’s all hands on deck and that means you as well.

2) I once dated my boss;

What men hear:  She’s looking for a man with power and if I am not it, it could be her next or current boss. Also, there is this old saying that you should never shit where you eat,  which means sleeping with the boss is not a smart move. Oh, and now we think about what her reputation in the office is like. Office gossip is brutal and she gave them a lot to work with. Time to move on suddenly sounds good for us.

3) I like women too:

What men hear:  Most of the men I have talked to regarding this type of situation informed me that in the beginning they thought that they had hit the jackpot. In the end they said they wish they had never known. Visions of three ways clouded their judgment. They all assured me that it was great and exciting when it first began because they had convinced themselves that it wasn’t cheating as long as it was only with women. Wrong!

How secure could he possibly be when he knows that his girlfriend is trolling for women with a higher success rate than he and his friends ever had? After awhile the excitement wears off and jealousy appears as with any relationship when a third person is introduced into the equation.

A woman once told me that there is no such thing as being bi-sexual. She said that people whom say that they are, really are saying that they are selfish sexually and its all about them. She went on to say that regardless of if they are with a man or woman, all they really care about is their own needs being met. I don’t know if she’s right or wrong on this  and I am not in a position to argue either way.

4) You are the biggest I have ever had;

What men hear: I have been with numerous men and I am checking sizes and discussing them with my girlfriends. We really don’t like to think about your sexual conquests to begin with, because in our minds you were a virgin when we met. You just killed that image with that one statement and to make matters worse you were probably just trying to make us feel good. Now we can’t shake the thought of you out of our minds, measuring privates of men lined up with towels wrapped around them. Ugh!

5) I have never done this before:

What men hear: With me! Especially if you suddenly take control right in the middle of it and seem to anticipate our every move. You should never utilize those words to a man especially if its while in bed. It’s equally bad if you just met him or you’ve liked him for awhile and its the first time you two have been alone and he talked you into bed.

Note: The funny thing about men, yours truly included is that women are right when they think that when it comes to sex, once we get an erection we stop thinking clearly. However, once that erection subsides we replay the whole conversation that got us into the situation to begin with. So, if you said something that didn’t bother us while we were trying to satisfy our needs it will jump out at us when clarity returns. This clarity period is a main reason for one night stands.

6) My last boyfriend did it like this:

What we hear: We are being compared to some guy who for whatever reason still occupies your thoughts. This is not good, because in order for us to feel comfortable with you, we’d like to think that only we occupy your thoughts. Not only that, but hell if he was so great, why are you with me?

7) We have to keep our relationship a secret:

What we hear: This is sometimes said when the parties are of different racial or economic backgrounds. Problem is that now he feels as though he’s good enough to sleep with but not good enough to be seen with. Yep, men don’t like this type of situation either. We start out saying that we can handle it, but in the end we hate it too. Remember the saying, “Forbidden things are sweeter”, they really aren’t.

8) You once tried to get pregnant:

What we hear: You want a baby and you may try to have one by us without our knowledge. This is a scary thought if we’re just beginning. Most men aren’t comfortable with the premise of having a child so quickly and you’ll notice that although you’re taking birth control pills, he still insist on wearing a condom as well. You know he’s uncomfortable if even with the condom on he still withdraws before ejaculation.

I guess I could actually add several other things not to say as well, but I’ll just list a few without commenting on them so you’ll know.

9)   I need a man to pay my bills.

10)  I had an abortion.

11) I was once with multiple men at once- You may want to keep this to yourself

12) I was a teenage prostitute.

14) I was molested.

15) I was in rehab, twice.

16) I had a eating disorder.

17) I used to cut myself occasionally.

18) I tried to commit suicide.

19) My last boyfriend is on death row.

20) I am awaiting sentencing.

The point I am trying to make is this. In relationships there should be no secrets if it is to blossom and grow. However, it is important that you get to know the person before you decide to tell them some things. When we are really comfortable with one another and we both know where its headed then anything you say will more than likely be forgiven. However, if you say them too soon they’ll be used solely as a reason to exit by menn who may not have wanted to be with you long term to begin with.

When we love someone and I am not talking about lust, but true love, we can accept the fact that we all have skeletons, or crutches in life. The things you say in the beginning that could make a man run, could actually bring him closer when he’s actually had the time to get to know you and love you for who you are.


Why women should set goals for relationships


Almost everyone I know sets goals for everything they do in life, that’s why most if not all are successful. We as people set goals for life, business, school, sports and almost everything in between. Recently while looking at the goals I set for this blog (posted on my bathroom mirror) I realized that although I am close to achieving almost every single one I began to wonder, if goals are good for everything else in life why not for relationships?

Do women set goals for relationships? If you do, how successful have you been with it? I’d like to know, because if it works for you I think it would be great to share it with other women who may want to try it.

However, since this is something that just slapped me in the face while shaving I figured I’d share possible goals women could utilize for their relationships. I hope this helps someone out there to eliminate wasting time on hopeless men and years they’ll never get back in doing so. By following these guidelines it may get you to the perfect man in a shorter amount of time therefore avoiding all men that are simply just unworthy of you. So lets begin with setting goals for your relationship, OK?

Now, back to those goals we need to set. First off we’ve all seen women both friends, sisters, nieces, daughters and cousins who have been in long term relationships with men and they are no closer to getting married years later than they were when they first entered the relationship.

Honestly this is not good at least that’s my opinion on the matter. Why spend your youthful days on someone who has no intention of marrying you? People split up all the time and to waste five years on a man only for the two of you to break-up is crazy. That means for five long years you’ve been off the market and missed out on the chance to meet many single men whom would have loved nothing more that to have you as his wife and life mate. Unfortunately, you were tied up on a promise that never came. You know the promise, “Eventually, we’ll get married.” Hell, when? All those excuses about let’s finish our degrees, wait until we have enough money saved, I’m happy the way we are and my personal  favorite, “Why should we get married, we’ve been together longer than our friends and now they’re divorced?” All this is just a smoke screen for the real fact that he’s comfortable with you but he’s not about to make the ultimate commitment to show you and the world, how much.

How many of us know women whom have lived with a guy for a long time, helped him finish school or some other form of professional training with the hopes that when he had completed it they would get married? Only to have him complete it and then leave her to marry someone else? Probably all of us know someone just like this and it’s sad.

So for our short term goal lets start with this: Determine exactly how long you should stay with a person before you know if he’s marriage material or not. (Remember this is short term, so typically it should be six months to a year)

Lets look at this for what it’s worth. Why do you need a long term relationship to get married? We can look at this from two different perspectives, some say you should be with someone for several years before getting married, I don’t think so, I think a year, possibly two is a good time and I’ll tell you why.

If you spend three, four years with someone you know everything about them. You’ve heard all of their jokes, know their weaknesses and can finish their sentences. Love making is not new to you two, you’ve been doing it for several years now. What could you possibly have to talk about that could keep you interested in the first years of marriage? Probably nothing because you already know everything about one another.

Now, you take the same two people and they get married after one year. They have so much to talk about, they’re still learning about each other. Sexually they’re still exploring one another and it’s fun because now you live together as man and wife. I’ve been married for awhile now and my wife still tells me stories about her childhood that keep me on the edge of my seat with laughter. These stories were great for teasing my in-laws on their visits. Hell, if we went out for five years before we got married these stories and conversations would be old to me by now and the sexual aspect would have too.

So don’t let some guy with a promise of a ring turn you into a spinster. Refuse to let some idiot whom doesn’t know or possibly care that he’s wasting your youth and looks by stringing you along with the promise of marriage. If he was going to marry you, it really should have been done before you knew everything about him, his family, his distant relatives, his classmates and everything in between.

There are really no excuses for not marrying a woman you profess serious love for. Money cannot be an issue, because once you are married you can combine incomes and work together to save your nest egg. Buying a home? It cracks me up when some idiot tells me that first he wants to own a home before he gets married so they’ll have somewhere to stay. Whatever, first off why would you chose a home before you get married for a wife you don’t have? Then when you get a wife, what makes you think she will really like to live in the home that you expect her to help you pay for and gave her no opportunity to select? Just a thought.

So now, if you’ve committed giving 6 months to a year to determine this fact then you also need a second goal in order to shore up the first one. This goal will be to determine how long you are willing to wait to become engaged. If it takes approximately 6 months for you to know if he is actually a very good man and you two are definitely and item and feel the same for one another then a reasonable goal of  an additional 6 months to become engaged should be in order. This then becomes your intermediate goal.

For the long term goal which is the most important is the amount of time you will be willing to remain engaged and off the market before getting married which should be the ultimate objective. Oh, and remember this: “The goal is where we want to be. The objectives are the steps needed to get you there.” By my estimation and again this is simply my way of thinking, a reasonable amount of time between engagement to marriage is one year.  A year allows you and he to plan your marriage without rushing and have enough time to iron out any wrinkles in the process. More than a year to me (and again this is simply my thinking) is simply another stall tactic that will string you along again and again.

Now I understand that some women may not be ready for marriage, and that’s fine, its their choice, their right. However, I am writing this post for those of you who feel that living with a man for years without some clear defined plan for the future is simply unacceptable.

Yes believe me when I tell you that I do know that people get married and then divorced. I know it happens all of the time worldwide. I also know that from the female standpoint it would be much better to tell your next man that you were married and it didn’t work, as compared to well, we lived together for 9 years and then one day he told me he was in love with someone else.

The first statement the new man thinks, “Damn he must have been an idiot to let a beautiful woman like you get away!” If its the second statement, the same man will be thinking, “Damn, you must be an idiot to stay with a guy that long without a ring.” What would you like the next man (if there is one) to think about you?

By now many of you are thinking, should I let him know about my goals for my future? My answer is “You’re damn right you should.”  Before you ever jump into bed with him or commit yourself to a so called dating relationship. Now some of you will think that to mention marriage to a man you just started seeing is ludicrous. You think it will scare him off somehow, right. Well to this I say, B.S! The talk of marriage only scare men that have as their only goal to get you into bed.  Any real man will listen to you and your goals, think about them for awhile and decide if they are acceptable and realistic goals for him and his future as well. He won’t comment on them right away, he’ll think about them and you while he determines if you are the right one or not. This is cool, because your short term goal was to determine if he was marriage material or not anyway.

Note: It is very important for you determine before ever sleeping with a man you like or have feelings for if you two are in a relationship or not. You do this by asking; “Are we officially a couple now, or is this something you just want to do?” Asking him this way gives him an out, in the event that all he wanted was sex. It gives you an out as well, because if he is honest enough to tell you the truth he may be worth still getting to know without compromising your honor and integrity. Most importantly though, you cannot stick to your goal timelines if you don’t know exactly when you started dating.

All of this of course is simply a thought that hopefully assist many of you. However, before you decide if setting a relationship goal for yourself I suggest taking a look at your current relationship. How long have you been together? A year, two, five or more, where is it headed? Will he ever marry you or are you content with being his live in lover forever or until he decides to move on? Look at your friends relationships as well and ask yourself where they are going in it.

Question, how many of you have been in long term relationships only to break-up and your ex married his next girlfriend within a year? This happens a lot, women break a man in and the next woman benefits from all of your hard work and suffering. By suffering, I mean the heartbreak associated with breaking up after many years of being together, and then again because he is now married and you’re in another long term relationship. When will it end? I tell you when, the day you decide to set goals for your relationship future. It can’t hurt, can it?

Oh, and one final lifetime goal: To remain married until death do us part, amen!

My experiences with dating single moms


If any woman should make the statement that a good man is hard to find its single mothers. Beside trying to raise a child on her own she has to be extra careful in her choice of men. Many times the last one (baby’s father) may have turned out to be a dud, and although they are no longer together she still has to deal with him because of course, he is the biological father.

Knowing that the biological father will possibly be a permenat fixture is a situation some men are simply unwilling to deal with. They may think that the mother is the best thing since sliced bread and the child is wonderful, but having this guy around that may or may not be doing the right things for his child is at times too much drama.

In my younger days I dealt with this situation from both sides of the coin. I was the boyfriend to a woman with a young son, and of course I was the father of a child out of wedlock. I really think that the first situation prepared me for the latter of the two and for that I am grateful. It also gave me an appreciation of how difficult single moms have in attempting to obtain and maintain normal relationships in these situations.

In my second year of college I met a girl I instantly fell for and we became an item. She quickly told me that she had a young son whom was living with her mother while she attended school. This revelation  threw me for a loop, but hey I was smitten with her and since her son was hundreds of miles away I thought, what the hell.

Although I have always loved children the premise of raising a child while attending school and for me playing college basketball would be too difficult a task in the beginning.

However, the next year she and I shared an apartment and after talking it over we decided it would be a great idea if he lived with us as well. We lived together for approximately a year and I have to admit I enjoyed the family atmosphere.

I taught him to read and when I wasn’t on a road trip or at practice I would take him to the park and his favorite place which of course was McDonald’s. Our relationship blossomed and there was a period where we were contemplating marriage. However, as in all relationships there is generally something that simply will not go away, regardless of how hard you wish.

In our relationship it was her sons father. Although they shared the same first name, his father simply wasn’t always the father he should have been, but that’s simply my personal opinion. He lived only two hours or so away but he made very little attempt at spending any real-time with the son.

As for me I assumed the role of being the provider, teacher, disciplinarian and male role model. The one thing I would not do and this is something all men should remember when dating a single mother. We should never try to take the father’s place in the child’s life. We can only fill his space, however never should we attempt to take his place in the mind of the child.

However, as I became really attached to this child that wasn’t mine, I noticed a change in my behavior as well. I enjoyed coming home tired and exhausted from a game or practice and spending time with him while we read a book that I had read as a child myself.

Then although I had promised myself that I would never become too attached to this little boy, I realised I had. I loved his mom and I loved him as well, together we were a family.

During a school break we decided to return to her parents home for a few days before I had to return for a Holiday tournament in another State. That was school for me, studying, practice and intense travel during the season.

While at her parents house the father of the child called and talked to him on the phone. When he got off the phone he was ecstatic, his father was coming to pick him up. I had reservations at first because this wasn’t the first time that he had promised to pick him up and several times he hadn’t shown. However with the close proximity of the father to her parents house I figured he’d show, if not I’d possibly have to pay him a visit.

When the father arrived we were cordial as always, however for the first time I noticed that the child completely forgot about me. I had grown accustomed to being the center of his attention, the person he ran to when he had fallen and hurt himself, the person who tucked him into bed at night, the person who taught him to dribble a basketball, the person who taught him to read.

As he walked out the door and acknowledged everyone in the room with the exception of me, I felt heartbroken somewhat. I felt I had lost something and that I would never get it back, in the position I had coveted in his life or so I thought.

He was only a child and I thought about that fact as I made the long trip back to the school for my basketball trip. I didn’t get to say good-bye because he had spent the night at his fathers and that hurt somewhat. But, I think above everything else, I was simply envious of the bond and relationship he had with his real father.

That’s how children are, they don’t hold grudges if fathers don’t show up on time or fail  to show. They could care less about child support payments and such. They only know unconditional love and as parents we are blessed to receive this affection and warmth from them.

By the spring break things began to change in our relationship. Her grades were suffering and she was having difficulty being both a full-time parent and student. I tried to assist her as much as possible but my schedule was even more hectic. To make matters worse she was running back and forth to court because the father refused to make payments as instructed by the court.

Finally one night she informed me that she had decided to drop out of school and was returning home until she could get control of the situation. I understood and with the promise that she would return for the fall semester she and her son packed and returned home.

We kept the relationship together for as long as we could, however with my schedule for school and traveling it was soon apparent that we were growing apart. Late one night on a road trip I called and was informed that she wasn’t home. When I finally talked to her she informed me that she had went out with friends. One thing led to another and we both knew it was over. We wished one another well and went on with our lives.

Years later when I was in the USAF, I called her parents home on a holiday to say hello and discovered that she had joined the U.S. Army and was stationed in the D.C. area. After getting the number from her mom and telling her son how much I missed him I called her.

It was awkward at first but I then realised that her mom had already contacted her to alert her I would be calling. We talked for a short while and caught up on the changes to our lives and promised to stay in touch, however it never happened. Too much time had elapsed and we had become different people.

Later that year I became a father for the first time myself. Only this time I was the absentee father. When my son was born I was in the middle of a basketball game in Tokyo Japan. As a member of the Pacific Air Forces basketball team, it was life as usual for me. Travel, travel and more travel to shoot basketball and a little work in between.

My sons mom and I tried to keep our relationship together as best we could but as she once told me, there are too many people, places and faces between us. I wanted her and my son to live with me in Hawaii, and she wanted to stay close to family and friends as well as finish school in West Virginia. We couldn’t find common ground, I had a contract with the Air Force that I couldn’t break even if I wanted.

So I did the best I could as an absentee father. However, after seeing what it was like from the other side of the fence I promised to do the very best I could. The only real problem I had was that I was half way around the world.

On my returns home it would always be difficult. I had no problem with my ex having a man in her life, however I did have a problem with him if he had character flaws. Drinking, getting high around my son was a definite no, no.

If they had an argument, I expected him as a man to shield it away from my son and for his own safety I expected him to never lay his hands on her or my son. Arguments occur to everyone, however for my son to witness domestic violence was something I simply would not tolerate.

So one night I arrived home and my cousin picked me up from the airport. I had informed my ex that I would be arriving, however as she stated, “she had heard it before.”

So I arrive and go straight to her house. When I knock on the door she answered it and was very surprised. She invited me in and I walked into the living room where I was met by four basketball players from the local University, sitting around getting high.

One of the players remembered me from the days that I had taught basketball camps. The others had no idea who I was which was fine by me, but I intended to get their attention very quickly.

I asked my sons mom where he was and she informed me that he was in his room playing. I requested that she go and pack him some clothing items because I wanted to take him to my home for the next week. Knowing that I was pissed she quickly disappeared into his bedroom to alert him that I was there.

As soon as she closed the door, I looked at each of the guys playing there and I asked if they knew who I was? The kid who knew me, stood up and grabbed his jacket. I explained to the other three that the little boy who was in the back room was my son and that I found it very disrespectful for them to be smoking weed in the home while he was in the vicinity. I then informed them that I was going to check on my son and upon my return from his room it would be in their best interest for them to be gone.

When my son and his mom walked out into the living room it was empty with the exception of my cousin who was playing a video game. My ex looked at me with that look that only she could give and said, “What did you do?”

Privately, I explained to her that this type of behavior was unacceptable to me. So we went through that, well you live in Hawaii and this is my house scenario. I politely explained that I understood this as well, however as long as my son resided there I expected her boyfriend to get high elsewhere.

After a week, my son and I returned to her mother’s house so that I could see her family as well. While there I explained to her mother as well my concern, and I explained to them both that I didn’t have a problem with her having a boyfriend. However, I expected him to respect the fact that my son belongs to me as well and there are things that I would not tolerate. Unknown to me, either by choice (more than likely), her boyfriend was in the room sitting in a chair quietly. I never acknowledged him and a few weeks later she called me pissed because he had broken up with her. Now how this was my fault I still haven’t figured out to this day. I asked her again to get on the plane with our son and live with me in Hawaii. She refused, ok, I asked anyway.

Finally a few years later she found a boyfriend that was perfect by everyone’s standards. He spent time with her and my son, held down a full college work load as well as a full-time job. Not only did she love him but my son thought he was the greatest thing since sliced bread.

So I get off the plane again and directly after hugging me my cousin says, “Hey, you’ll like her boyfriend he’s cool.” “He takes your son to football and basketball games, walks him to school and his practices.” This was only the beginning.

When I arrive at my grandmother’s house, she states basically the same thing. Then she went up a notch and stated that when I sent packages home to my son the boyfriend would tell him how much he meant to me and how much I loved him.

My first meeting with the new boyfriend was awkward to say the least. However, after a few days of running into my old friends whom all seemed to be fans of his, I realised he was pretty cool and we became acquaintances. One night my friends and I went out to have a few beers and he was invited. We talked and you know what, he was really a good guy.

You know what happened next? She dumped him a few weeks after I left to go overseas. She packed up my son and everything she owned and accepted a job in another State. The next time I ran into him was when I went home for my Grandmothers funeral. He was a shell of himself. We drank a few beers and he poured his heart out to me about how much he loved her and wanted to marry her. I felt sorry for him to be honest, so I consoled him as best men can and wished him the best. I really hope my liking him had nothing to do with her leaving him.

Anyway, as I wrote in a previous post, before my son was born we had an agreement. The agreement was that whenever he was old enough to determine who he would like to live with that was where he would reside. In the mean time though, she and I had many conversations and I explained to her that many men would really only want her. Some men simply would not want to do the whole family thing with a child that did not belong to them. I told her that I understood how difficult it was to sustain a serious relationship as a single mother. I also explained to her that in the event that she met a guy who was worthy of her, but he wasn’t ready for the role of dealing with a child that all she had to do was pick up the phone and I would be more than happy to have my son with me. I told her that she would still be his mother and no one could change that fact, nor would I want to. She declined as all good mothers would, but she appreciated the thought.

A few years later she contacted me and informed me that she was getting married to a man I had yet to meet. She went on and on about him and then she got to the punch line. He wanted to adopt my son. Yep, that’s what I said too, “What!”

By now I was a whole lot more mature that I had been when I first became a father and this maturity served me well. With tact and diplomacy, I informed her that although I could appreciate the offer, this was something that I would not and could not allow.

Then I jumped on the first plane from the Middle East so that I could meet this man in person. He was nice enough, and he explained that he simply wanted my son to know that he wasn’t simply marrying his mom. He wanted him to know that he intended to make them an intact family, my son included. I shared my thoughts on this  and in the end we sat down with my son and explained the whole situation. I like the guy in a weird kind of way, but giving up my son was not something I would ever entertain for anything.

By the way, they didn’t get married either. However, I promise I had nothing to do with their break-up. By this time I was already married and unknown to me, that within a year and a half I would be getting my wildest dream come true. My son woke up one morning and asked if he could come and live with me!

My ex held up to the agreement that we had made before he was born and through tears she put him on the plane to me where he has remained. Hopefully now, since she has long since finished her degree she will be able to meet a man who is worthy of her. Now although she is still a single mother, she is truly single and available.

In that one selfless act she opened up her options in the area of dating to include all men, not simply men that would date a woman with a child, but all men. She is still young, beautiful and has a lot to offer any man who is lucky enough to have the opportunity to meet her. She’s also a great mother and my son is a living testiment to that.

A few weeks ago she called and I was on my way to work. We chatted about things old and new and then she asked me a question as a way of feeling me out. The question was, ” What would you think if I dated a guy outside our race?”

I laughed because she knew as well as I did that color of a person’s skin has never been an issue for me.  Then I explained to her that regardless of who she chose to date we would accept him as long as she was happy. I think she appreciated the honesty and I appreciated the fact that we have come so far as the unmarried parents of a son we both truly love.

Being a single mother isn’t easy, but if you have patience and faith the right man can and will come along. He’ll love you and your children as well and assist you with creating the complete family you so rightly deserve.

How selecting a puppy is just like selecting a new man


This post is somewhat long, however I challenge you to read it because there is a moral to this story that you simply may not want to miss ~ Anonymousmale1

How many of you have bought puppies in your life? You go down to the pet store and you’re excited and apprehensive at the same time. You walk into the pet shop and you walk to all the holding pens looking for the puppy that you feel will be your perfect pick.

Many of the puppies are all giddy at the prospect that they could possibly go home with you. They do everything they can to get your attention. They run up to the window and jump around, bark sharply and whimper when you walk to the next window.

Then you spot one and he’s excited and he’s posturing just for you. You tap on the glass and he dances around panting and barking and as you smile he gets even more excited. You request that the shop employee remove him to allow you to play with him a bit to see if he is exactly what you want.

She guides you to a small holding area and soon return with this beautiful puppy that’s eager to meet you as well. You take him in your arms and hold him, kiss him on the head pet him and play with him. He gets so excited he urinates, and you don’t mind because you’ve already decided he’s the puppy you’ll be taking home.

You alert the sale associate that you’d like to buy him and she leads you through the isles as you select items he’ll need, a bed, food, toys and a collar and leash. She then guides you to the register to ring up your sale which will total way over the amount you originally wanted to spend, but you’re happy, he’s happy and that’s all that matters.

As you’re standing in line while the associate completes the transaction, you look back at the small cubicle that once was your new puppies home. In the back of the cubicle you for the first time observe an identical puppy that you hadn’t even noticed. He’s sitting there now in the front of the cage watching you. He’s watching you with eyes that say he understands, he’s not bitter for not being selected and his expression shows that this is not the first time he wasn’t chosen. However, he still holds the look of love in his eyes and its difficult for you to break your gaze away from him.

With your transaction completed you go home with your newly purchased puppy with the wagging tail and the cute bark. You soon forget about the puppy that was left behind.

You arrive at your home and you place the puppy on the floor and what does he do? He takes a shit on your brand new carpet, then he looks up at you with those loving eyes as to say, “Sorry about that”. You forgive him of course and begin the task of attempting to house train him.

Days turn to weeks and weeks to months and there are times that his cuteness is wearing thin. Frustration sets in, how many pairs of your expensive shoes can he destroy. How many times can you step in puppy puddles in the middle of the night before you feel you’ll go mad.

Your mom comes over and you know what your puppy does? He humps her leg, as a matter of fact, he humps every womans leg that gets in his vicinity. people think he’s cute and when you explain to them how difficult it has been, they tell you, “He’s just a puppy, he’ll grow out of it”, secretly, you wonder.

He barks excessively, driving you and your neighbor nuts. Walking him is a chore, it always ends up with him walking you. He never listens to you and the only time he even appears to care is when you feed him. The rest of the time he’s being destructive.

This goes on for months and you are at your wit’s end, not to mention that this cute puppy now weighs a whopping 75 pounds. Now when he’s walking you in the park, you pray that no one comes anywhere near you with another dog because if it’s a male, a fight will surely occur. If it’s a female in heat she doesn’t stand a chance because he’ll be on her and at his weight the chance of you keeping him off her is slim to none.

Finally you’ve had enough and you talk your cousin who has a house with a few acres of land into taking your once cute puppy off of your hands. You rationalize this situation by telling yourself that what he needs is a very large rural area to run around in. You tell yourself that your small 900 square foot apartment was simply too small for him and he felt cramped.

When he was finally gone you felt remorseful. For weeks you thought about driving the 3 hours to your cousin’s house and taking him back. You miss him and it became difficult to sleep without him there to protect you and although he still refused to be house trained you felt comfortable and safe having him around. You felt guilty for sending him away and you hope and pray that he’s happy, although you’re miserable as hell.

Then one-day while reminiscing you walked through the park where he used to walk you. You though about the time when he basically drug you just to sniff a female dog that was out with her master. You still have the scars on your knee as a reminder.

While sitting on the bench with tears filling your eyes while you think about how much of a failure you are for not being able to make him happy something amazing happens. A ball bounces in your direction and you pick it up. Before you realise it a dog identical to your runs down the hill and directly up to you. You think it is a miracle and you cannot take your eyes off of him. He stops his run and slowly walks toward you as you are holding his tennis ball in your hands.

As he gets near and then directly in front of you he sits down and he gazes deeply into your eyes as you reach the ball out to him. Looking into his eyes you are startled, this is the same dog who while as a puppy stared at you in the pet store. He takes the ball and heads back up the hill to his master. You decide to follow to see who the lucky recipient will be.

When you arrive on the other side of the slop you watch in amazement as the dog returns the ball to the sales associate whom had rung up you transaction that day in the pet store. He returned it with such love and care that you instantly became envious.

Your curiosity gets the better of you and you decided to approach her. You had many questions you wanted to ask. Upon approach she recognized you instantly. After awkwardly explaining how you’d given your dog up, she explained to you how she’d selected it’s brother.

She told you that day in the park that in the beginning there were 5 identical puppies in the pet store and that women just like you had selected the most aggressive of the litter. All had eventually given up on their puppies as they became dogs and had given them away or taken them to shelters. They simply couldn’t control them or change their behavior.

She said that a few days after you had purchased your puppy she was cleaning the cage and after taking a long look into the remaining puppies eyes she decided she wanted him. She said that he wasn’t excited, he simply sat back and watched everyone. She likened it to someone who was looking for a special place, a special home a special friend. She felt that she was special, so why not her and took him home.

She went on to tell you that she never had to house train him, he’d never been on a leash, never chewed anything in her home and only barked while they played. It was like he simply instantly knew what she wanted or needed. When she was happy, he was happy, if she was sad, so was he. She stated from day one she was never his master, but rather his life mate and they both enjoyed one another’s companionship.

Before you left you asked one last question. You wanted to know if her years of working in the pet store teach her which puppies turn out great and which do not? She laughed and told you that in reality she had never owned a puppy before. However, she went on, ” Although I did look for the one I thought needed love as opposed to ones that only loved themselves”.

With that she and her well-behaved, happy, obedient companion disappeared walking side by side, no leash necessary.

The Moral of this story is:

Many times this is how you as women select men as well. You walk into a crowded room and the man who catches your attention is the one that creates the most commotion. They draw attention to themselves in any and every way possible.

If you’re at a bar or a Night Club these are the men the approach you offering drinks or to dance. If you’re at school, these are the guys who approach you and want to start conversation. These types of men make a bee-line directly to almost every beautiful woman in their vicinity begging for you to take them home.

What you fail to notice is that generally they are in the company of another guy. The guy who never feels the need to make an ass of himself by humping your leg. This guy is the one who will not approach you or make a fool of himself. He quietly sits back and occasionally will make eye contact with you, but never for too long.

He is the guy who doesn’t want the attention of every woman on the planet, he simply wants the attention of one. You’ve met him many times and generally you’ve been enchanted by the antics of his friend and when you return to their table his crazy friend will introduce you and he’ll be polite but very soft-spoken. He won’t say too much to you but he will answer questions if you ask. He and his friend probably rode to the party or function together and if you chose to go home with his friend he’ll be in the car with you  two (more than often the one driving, since he probably doesn’t drink).

Watching him closely he’ll probably open the door for you after his friend has already gotten into the car and dismissed this act as too gentlemanly for him. He’s the guy that doesn’t fixate on you, however you know that he looks at you differently.

He loves his friend but he really doesn’t approve of his antics and in most cases the way he treats women as a whole. However, he keeps his thoughts to himself because even though his friend (the one you chose) has flaws, he loves him anyway because that’s what friends are for. Friends love you regardless of how crazy you may appear to others, right.

When you get to their apartment (if they live together) he will simply disappear into his bedroom after wishing you good night. What you don’t know is that he is laying in his bed watching tv, while you are becoming a one night stand to a man who wrote the term.

Later after you’ve been used and abused and his friend doesn’t answer your calls anymore. You’ll remember his friend and one-day you’ll run into him at a mall or somewhere simple and he’ll be in the company of a girl that he treats like a queen. You’ll approach and he’ll say hello and being the respectful person that he is he’ll introduce you to his date. You’ll ask about his friend since now he’s avoiding you and he’ll lie for him (because they are friends) but his eyes are too hones and you’ll see that even this hurts him to do.

Guys like this are everywhere. They are the men that women think are myths and they really are not. They simply get overlooked because just like the puppies in the store, others require much more of your attention.

Why they don’t stand out more is anyones guess. Mine would be that many are simply waiting to be noticed by you. These are men who are shy, have been hurt or have a definite idea of exactly what they are looking for in a woman. Regardless of all of this, they are invisible to the women that so desperately need them.

So the next time you and your friends are out, try looking past the puppy that is doing all of the tricks to garner your attention. It’s the puppy in the window who simply is waiting for you to recognize his true worth that you should be seeking. It’s the man who needs someone to love him that is most valuable to your happiness, not the one that loves himself more than he could ever love you that will break your heart, again.

Is getting your ex back really a good decision?


    “There is an innate desire in all creatures to grow…Yet in any type of growth and change something has to end for something new to begin” ~Unknown

 

Recently while I was surfing the web I noticed tons of advertising for books on “Getting your Ex back” everywhere. This made me wonder about the state of many relationships and I ask myself this question, which now I will pose to you; “Why would you want to get back with someone who broke your heart?”

Let that thought simmer in your brain for a minute and think back to all of the sleepless nights, laying in bed wondering if he was true to you, his selfish nature, cheating, lying, treating you like crap. Why in the world would anyone want to cross that bridge again?

My next question to you is, “If the relationship was so great, why did it end?”  I will tell you, it ended because it was supposed to end. Relationships that we form over the years are really training zones to prepare us for the one we’re really supposed to be with in the end. Not every man who you date is the one for you, however with that said, most are simply there to educate you on what you do or do not want in the real man you’re seeking as a life mate.

Relationships are just like life, they are tests, a classroom full of experience. Some of you will graduate by learning how not to repeat the same mistakes and move on to the one you were intended for. Others will continue making mistakes, some bigger than others and make this process harder for themselves.

If you are jumping through hoops right now trying to win your ex back, you are making a big mistake. You have not learned your self-worth and simply do not understand that there is a man, a good man out there looking for you right now. One that is probably the man of your dreams, and he cannot find you or you him if you focus on a past relationship that failed.

When women suffer through pains and still try to rekindle a relationship with an ex, it’s not because of love. No it’s not, it’s because of comfort. You want him back because regardless of how miserable he made you, you were comfortable with him and you refuse to accept change.

You may like the way he makes love to you (when he does) or the way he looks, but everything else he does you may hate. This all goes back to what I wrote a long time ago, you can love him all you want, but if you don’t like him as a person why punish yourself by staying or attempting to get him back when it’s over?

It amazes me that we as people don’t understand that if the person you were with would not change to keep you, they will not change if you take them back. Why should they? By taking them back you are simply sending them a message that you will accept them for what they are and who they are.

If you chose to accept them back, then you need to understand that more than likely you will be right back at your break-up point within a few short weeks. The reason I tell you this is because there was no change, no effort, no resolution to speak of.

How many times have you been in a relationship and then it ends for whatever reason? We go through different emotional feelings as we attempt to adjust to this new change in our lives. The person we were with had been a fixture in our lives for months, weeks or even years and now there is a void where they once were.

Emotionally, we sometimes feel like the man who lost a leg in a Coal mining accident, the leg is long gone, however mentally it still itches from time to time. So there are times when we really mis our ex, like when we visit places that bring back old memories.

One thing about human nature is that we tend to block out bad memories, opting instead to hang onto the good ones. We remember our ex and we revert back to happier times, times long gone. You remember things like getting caught in the rain and he used his coat to keep you dry, and then gently kissed you for the first time on your front steps while he was soaking wet.

You tend to remember the day you wrecked your car and he showed up and held you close making sure you were ok all the while whispering that everything would be alright. You remember how when you first began he couldn’t stay away from you too long, he had to see you no matter how difficult it might be for him. Oh, and don’t forget the long lovemaking sessions that seemed like marathons and left you both exhausted and pleased on sweaty sheets.

All of these things you remember fondly and it makes you yearn for the good old days with the man you loved. However, in your mental Rolodex you’ve simply overlooked the fact that somewhere through time he had changed. You don’t think about the guy who wouldn’t return your calls in the end, always telling you how busy he was when he returned home. You’ve forgotten about how he spent hours surfing dating sites on the internet, complete with his own profile.

You’ve forgotten about how he made you feel when he screamed at you in public, and even the sting of humiliation has been omitted in your though process. Hey, what about the day when some random girl called him while you and he were watching a movie and he got up and talked to her in another room? Did you chose to forget about that as well?

What about the occasions when he came home late and you could have sworn that he smelled like women’s perfume, a perfume that wasn’t like yours? Or the times in the end where he simply didn’t want to touch you, let alone make love to you?  Thinking back he was probably also very secretive during the last few months and became a person you hardly recognized.

The person we are with when a relationship ends is hardly the person we began with. We all change over time because this is simply human nature, however with that said the goal is to grow and change together not separately.

By now you may be thinking that not so long ago you and your ex broke-up and he was more like the person listed second than the man you originally started with. If this is the case then try asking yourself this question; “Didn’t you try to get him to revert back to the person he was before you chose to break up with him?”

He knew that if he didn’t change back then the possibility of you and he parting was very good. Apparently, he refused to change and now he’s your ex boyfriend for just this reason. Now for a second question, I have to ask this; “What on earth makes you think if you get back with him that he will change now?”

Lets look at where you are now and see if getting your ex back is a good idea for you? Currently, you are in a single situation. There is a multitude of available single men out there right now looking for a woman just like you. By failing to capitalize on the time you have to meet Mr. Right, You are simply hanging on to the past.

Right now, I am sure you have many of your girlfriends who are telling you the same thing and your thoughts are they simply do not know how you feel. In their haste to help you they are trying to set you up with men that they think you’ll like.

However, what they are really doing is introducing you to men that they like, because only you know what is really what you want and need in a man. So the next time they tell you that they found the perfect man for you, secretly you should know that they found the perfect man for them. Hey, as friends you can pick out shoes or dresses for one another, but selecting a man is something that you should do for yourself.

Now the other side of this equation is that you can give into your whims and try to get your ex back. Although the ending left a bad taste in your mouth, maybe he’ll really change and you two can rekindle your relationship magic and make things work this time. Or not!

If you’re willing to ignore the things that caused the break-up to begin with and accept all of his faults, you can make a go of it if he’s willing. You also may want to consider that the time that you two were apart if he was actually as heartbroken as you. If not, then he may not have waited for you as you did he. He may have dated, tasted his new-found freedom and enjoyed the company of a bevy of women seeking your replacement.  If this is the case he may not be as eager to return to a relationship that he may feel was mundane as you are. Just a thought.

Now, before I end this I need to make something perfectly clear. I am sure that these books on “How to get your Ex back” are full of priceless information and they will serve many people well. However, with that said, I would like to point out that trying to get your ex back is easier if you can answer these questions; “Do you love him & is he worth trying to work it out?”

If your answers to both these are yes, then by all means arm yourself with the information in these books to assist you with making your dream come true of getting him back. I hope it works out for you in the end, and if it does, I’d love to hear about it so drop me a note and let me know if you would. Thank you in advance.

Why having his baby won’t make him stay….a story


So you’re lying in bed and you’re not sure what to do anymore. You’ve told him how much he means to you and it still feels like every single day that he is drifting further and further away from you. Everyday, you talk with him and he says everything is fine, that he simply needs some space and that he’s been busy.

You ask if he is going to break up with you and he swears that he is not, but you’re not convinced are you? You call him several times throughout the day and he doesn’t answer, later when he calls you (much later) he tells you that he was busy and couldn’t answer the phone.

You ask if you and he could spend some time together alone, maybe a short trip to another city, like a mini vacation. He says it sounds like a great idea and the thought of you planning it and paying for it makes it even more appealing to him. However, a day or so later he pulls out and informs you that this is simply not a good time for him to go on a trip, especially with work or school and all.

It seems like a million years since he would jump through hoops just to hear the sound of your voice, or to spend 15 minutes just to see you smile. Remember when he hated his job (or school) and he used to complain about how it interfered with the time he wanted to spend with you? Things have changed, haven’t they? Now he seems to have no time for you and when he does he looks preoccupied and in a hurry. Even sex that you two used to enjoy so much seems like a chore to him, and foreplay, whatever happened to that?

Your relationship is sinking and it appears that he already has a life vest on, unfortunately he has the only one. You really, really don’t want to lose him because you love him so much. You’ve been through so much together and you can’t fathom life without him, but what on earth can you do to keep him and save your relationship?

Then one night (or day) it comes to you. Others have done it and you convince yourself that it can work for you as well. So you go into the bathroom and you dump every single birth control pill you have into the toilet and you flush them down.

He doesn’t know it but when he finds out several months later he will be both surprised and excited. You two have talked about starting a family and now seems like the perfect time. He’ll never leave you then, you can be sure of it. He’s too good of a man to leave his family behind.

You’re really excited now, the thought of you, he and the baby as a family is all you can think about. You start looking for names for the baby, Beth if it’s a girl or Michael if it’s a boy (after his father of course). You’re almost giddy with excitement. Not wanting to spoil it by telling him your plans, and having to share it with someone, you tell your best friend. At first she’s shocked at what you’ve decided to do and she plays the devils advocate, only you think she’s simply trying to see if you know what you’re doing. In the end you convince her too that it’s a wonderful idea and that it’ll make you and him very, very happy forever. However, you leave out the fact that your boyfriend has no idea that he’s about to become a father, she didn’t need to know that tidbit of information. She now assumes that you’ll be getting married soon. It’s good that you made her pinkie promise not to tell anyone until you said it was OK.

He has been very busy and you haven’t seen him in about a week. It’s not like him to stay away that long, so you decide you’ll go to his house late at night and surprise him with the new Victoria Secrets lingerie you purchased just for the occasion. He opens the door to find you standing there in a trench coat and although he’s surprised (not happy) that you showed up, he invites you in.

You talk for a while and when he inquires about the trench coat, you dramatically stand and open it to reveal a teddy in the color that you know he loves. His eyes widen just as you thought only he quickly looks past you and you realise that there is someone else in the room. You turn to see another woman standing in his bedroom doorway wearing nothing but a t-shirt (one that you bought last year for him) and a look of confusion.

He tries to tell you something but you don’t hear anything as you run out the door to your car. he doesn’t even have the dignity to chase after you. You sit in your car parked on the street and you feel almost nauseous. Now you can see clearly, you don’t know why you missed all the signs. His inattentiveness, always being too busy, declining the trip you planned, too tired to make love to you, always in a hurry to leave when he came to see you. It was all there in front of you and you simply refused to see it for what it was worth.

You are startled by the sound of your alarm clock ringing and you roll over and instead of hitting the snooze button you set upright in bed. That was a hell of a dream and it has you still shaking as you try to get the cobwebs out of your head. While brushing your teeth, you think about your relationship with him and how it has changed over the last few months. Yes you love him, but getting pregnant for the sake of keeping him around, that’s asinine and you know it.

On the way to work you think about the ramifications of having a child this way, without him knowing it and you come to the conclusion that its simply not fair. It’s not fair to him, you and definitely not the baby, who deserves to come into this world with two loving parents who love one another as well.

You’re getting that nauseous feeling again, this time just at the thought of your dream and the thought that many women have done such a thing all for the sake of holding onto a man. You conclude that this is a selfish act and you make a promise to yourself that you would never allow yourself to ever consider such an act for any man.

On your way home from work your boyfriend calls. He starts by telling you the same old tired story about how busy he is or how school has him studying so hard. You listen and when there’s a pause, you without warning inform him that you don’t need him anymore. You tell him that you’ve known for months that there is no way he could simply be that busy but you chose to say nothing at the time.

You tell him that he doesn’t have to worry about lying to you anymore about his busy schedule and he can do whatever he wants. You inform him that he is free to date, fall in love with any woman he chooses with the exception of you. You explain to him that you’ve waited long enough and since he doesn’t have the intestinal fortitude (guts) to end it then you will. You hang up and of course he calls back and you decide to turn your phone off.

When you get home you call your best friend and ask her out to dinner. Now you have a crazy story to tell her, only this time there will be no devils  advocate role for her to play. You now know that getting pregnant will not make any man stay with you or any woman. All it will do is create a miserable existence for three people because of the selfishness of one.