Wow! I was trying to sleep and unfortunately I simply couldn’t. So I dragged my pillow out to the couch and turned on that idiot box in the family room.
I figured I could locate something so boring at 3am, that I would be forced into sleep quickly. Re-runs usually do that for me. Unfortunately, even a few of those didn’t seem to be working.
After channel surfing for what seemed to be ions, I finally dozed off while watching some movie that I cannot for the life of me remember.
What I do remember was that it was in black and white, which means that it was really old. Other than that I recall that instead of actually falling into a dead sleep, I fell just enough asleep where I could still hear the dialog in my head.
In one particular scene the male lead asked his female counterpart an important question. He asked, “give me one good reason why we should be together?” and her reply, ” I can give you 100!”
That thought somehow sunk into my subconscious and when I awoke a few hours later, this dialog was stuck in my head.
So I figured this must have some meaning or purpose, right?
Well, if you know what it means please clue me in, OK?
So since by now you probably realize that I am clueless, I figured I would try to make sense of this all by writing this post. So today I will attempt to give you 50 reasons to be in a relationship. Hey, I’m a guy so even 50 is a stretch.
The female in the movie said she could give him 100 reason, right? She said this probably 50 years ago, today I should be able to do at least 50, or at least I hope I can. Wish me luck!
1) Because no one wants to be alone:
That’s right, you’ll meet some guys who profess that they enjoy being single. Some women say this same line of B.S. They’ll go on about how happy they are to be alone, and how they can do whatever they please without asking for anyone’s permission.
This lie sounds good on the surface, however if they really enjoy being alone so much, why in the hell are they calling you all the time asking to go hang out? Any relationship, well almost any (excluding abusive ones) is so much better than going home to an empty apartment to a cat/dog.
Now don’t get me wrong, I like animals but being in the company of someone you can talk and laugh with is so much more fun.
2) The special way they look at you:
Ever watch the way your friends significant other looks at them? The love is in the eyes. You can tell a lot about how a man feels about a woman just by the way he looks at her. You know something else? Women know it, they can feel his eyes gazing over them and they glow in the knowledge of being loved.
3) Missing someone:
Knowing that the person you love may be gone for whatever reason, but knowing that they will soon be back in your arms again! The anticipation is overwhelming.
4) The way they smell:
When you’re with someone they have a special smell, a scent. It can be a certain cologne, perfume or body lotion they wear. After they’re gone and you lay your head on your pillow and that scent takes you back in time.
I had a girlfriend in College and years later I walked into a Department Store and caught the scent of the perfume she used to wear. It was like I had traveled back in time, well until my wife interrupted me and asked me about the silly grin I had on my face.
5) Breaking up:
Not permanently! But those break-up where you have some silly little disagreement and you go to your place and your significant other to theirs. You both swear that you won’t call one another again, however you both jump at your cell phones with each ring hoping its the other.
Finally, one of you gives in and calls and the other is relieved because they were on the verge of calling anyway. Then you make up, promising to never let a simple misunderstanding come between you again, ever. Then you know what comes next?
6) Make-up Sex:
I don’t even have to explain this one do I? Some people pick arguments and break-up just to get this reward. If you’re one of those people, you’re sick, but if it works, more power to you!
7) Short vacations together:
There’s nothing like taking a short vacation with someone you love. Ever been to a Bed and Breakfast in Vermont in the Fall? How about driving up the Pacific Coast Highway to Monterrey, California and spending the weekend in Carmel?
Taking short trips to places neither of you have ever been is fun and exciting. It allows you the opportunity to talk, just the two of you and explore new places together.
8) Having someone to go to the movies with:
Yeah, you can go to the movies with your friends if you want to. However, I get the feeling that theaters and Drive-ins were actually made for lovers. How else could you explain the necessity to create horror movies? Besides that, these places are dimly lit and the seats are very close together so that you can hold hands or cuddle in the dark.
Note: Anything more than cuddling could get you thrown out, so be careful.
9) It makes it easier to turn down guys you didn’t want to go out with anyway:
Thanks for asking, but I’m in a relationship. No harm, no foul. You just let him down very easily without hurting his feelings. He is able to walk away with his dignity still intact.
10) Someone listens to you:
Some days we go through life feeling as though we’re invisible. It’s like no one can see or hear us and its enough to make you want to scream. However, when you’re in a relationship you know that at least one person on this planet cares what you think and is willing to listen.
No not the ones you see in the garden. The ones that float around in your stomach when you are with the person you love. In the beginning I have to admit they can seem more like birds than butterflies, but its all good. Don’t you agree?
12) The possibilities:
The idea that this could be your last first date or kiss for that matter. Building a new relationship is fun and exciting especially when you are positive that there is a future for it.
13) Starting over:
Ok, so your last relationship failed. A new start is generally what the doctor ordered. You should have learned a lot with your last mate. With a new mate you can put that experience into good use. There is nothing like getting a fresh new start in love.
14) Caring for someone:
It has been said that being in love is when the needs of another become more important than your own. So I guess that truly successful relationships mean that both parties subscribe to this same line of thought. End result, a well balanced love affair.
15) Late night phone conversations:
Remember when you first started out in your relationship and you’d get all excited when your phone would ring because you knew who would be on the other end? How many of you have played that game late at night after you’d been talking for hours? You know the game, right? No, you hang up,no, you hang up. Ok, lets hang up together. We’ve all played that game at least once in our lives haven’t we?
16) The anticipation of seeing that special someone again:
Getting dressed for school or work and knowing that you’ll see the person that makes your heart beat faster brings a smile to your face. You simply cannot wait to see their smiling face again and hopefully, just hopefully they’ll brush up against you or touch your hand.
17) The glow that you exude when you’re in love:
Isn’t it amazing that your friends know when you’re in love or have special feelings for someone? It’s all in the smile. You cannot hide it, love makes not smiling impossible. Even when you don’t know it you’ve got this silly little smile on your face and your mind is in a different place, a happy place. Smiling during these great times is akin to glowing. Everyone knows you’re in love.
18) The possibility of getting married:
Yep, I said it. I think all relationships begin with the thought that he/she may be the one to permanently take us off the market. Is he/she that person? We’ll never know unless we try, right?
19) Having someone to be silly with:
Ever notice how being in love brings out the silliness in us all? People whom are thought of as always deadly serious can surprise you when they are in love. There is nothing more enchanting than to discover that the grizzle bear of a man you met is actually a puppy at heart.
20) Getting recognized as the significant other:
Hi, aren’t you so-and-so’s girlfriend? Everyone wants a label in life and women really enjoy it, particularly when its a guy that they really like and wasn’t sure how he really felt about them. This all goes out the window as soon as you’re at an outing and someone identifies you as his girlfriend. It’s even more exciting when that someone is his mother, father or someone very close to him.
Everyone likes surprises, even if we profess that we don’t. There is nothing like receiving a small token of appreciation that not only did you not ask for, but you didn’t expect to receive. It’s even equally satisfying when it’s a gesture of love. Roses are always a positive sign. If they’re sent to your work place, he gets even higher marks because he just made you the center of attention for all the co-workers that are unappreciated in their current relationships.
22) Getting to know someone:
Ever dated a person and discovered that they were entirely different than what you could have ever thought? Not in a bad way, but in a very good way. like finding out that a guy you thought was a player, really loved kids and expressed his plans for when he finally had children of his own? Or the guy that you thought was anti-social who was the life of the party within the confines of his close family and friends? Discovering the real person is exciting and fun, don’t you think?
23) Holding hands:
It’s funny how you ex boyfriend detested holding hands in the end. However, in the beginning he wanted to hold your hand everywhere you two went to assure that everyone knew you were his. This phenomenon occurs with some men over time, however there are still many who continue to do this long after the newness of the relationship wears off. Maybe your next one will be like this.
24) Anticipating that first kiss:
So the first date went great and now he’s driving you home. You and he chit chat about various topics as you determine exactly how much you have in common. The problem is that you’re in a fog? Why? Because your answers aren’t as sharp as you’d like. You simply cannot focus on the words you’re hearing. It’s ok, because his responses aren’t as sharp as he’d like as well.
In case you didn’t know it’s because you both are preoccupied with what may happen next. You’re wondering if he will kiss you good night and trying to determine if you should allow him to or not. Or you may be hoping that he does, and how you will feel if he doesn’t. Add to this, the thought that you think you shouldn’t have had that burger with the extra onions.
On the other hand, he’s trying to plan things out because as men we like to be under control in situations like this. He is wrestling with if he should try to kiss you or not. What is a man to do? Its a first date and he really enjoyed your company, however, if he moves too fast there may not be a second date. But then again, if he moves too slow there may not be a second date. Wow, talk about pressure!
You’re both thinking what if an attempt is made and it is awkward? This thought makes your hearts race just thinking about it, huh? We’ve all been there before and this event is second only to the first time you about to make love.
25) Fill in the blank____________________________
I get many readers and tons of e-mail from women worldwide. I thought for #25 and the next 25 Good reasons I would ask that you ladies participate and assist me with completing the list. So if you enjoy this blog and what it represents, please give me your Good reason to be in a relationship. I will select 25 and complete the list for women everywhere. Please send your replies to firstname.lastname@example.org .
Do you really believe that the only thing men want is sex? If you do and you still have a man in your life, what exactly does that say about you? Yep, it says that you really enjoy doing the nasty too! Why hide it? Why on earth do women hide the fact that they enjoy sex just as much or more than the next guy? And I really mean guy, lol.
Sex is a fact of life, it’s been going on since the beginning of time (thus the worlds population) and the billions of dollars generated by the industry itself. You can try to deny it but not only men are looking at porn on the internet. Everyone has needs, wants and desires and if women didn’t then there would be absolutely no market for adult toys.
Now, with all of this love making occurring throughout this planet why is it that men tend to feel the need to stray and conduct business outside of his current relationship? This is the million dollar question that has been asked since the neanderthal age. Why on earth does a man with a healthy, beautiful, sexy cave woman feel the need to sleep with the cave woman on the other side of the mountain?
Over the years there has been numerous articles written on the subject and for this post, I for one will stay away from to concentrate on a simple solution that could possibly eliminate that situation in your own relationship. Interested?
I was once informed that smart women take up all of the free time of the men that they are in a relationship with. In other words, they eliminate the chance for him to be idle, since we all know that idle hands are the devils tools, right? I am not sure if this is true but over the years I’ve heard this saying often. Maybe there is merit to it, maybe not. I don’t know, personally.
However, what I do know is that for whatever reason, men are more inclined to cheat in a relationship after he has been in it for sometime. Very few guys cheat in the beginning of a real relationship, although they will if the relationship wasn’t considered a real relationship to begin with. Interesting huh? Lets look at this statement again in laymen terms. “Chances are that he will not cheat on you in the beginning of a relationship that he actually considers real.” Meaning that he considers the two of you to be an actual couple.
Now, some of you are scratching your head in wonder as to why a man you had cheated on you in the first month, week or day of the relationship, right? Well, I am sorry to inform you of this but you thought you were in a actual relationship, but for whatever reason, he didn’t. Perception is a killer, especially when your views on where you stand differ so greatly.
So yeah, if he cheated on you very quickly, or you discovered he had another girlfriend while you were just starting out you should now know he wasn’t all in as far as being in an exclusive relationship with you. Sorry to have to tell you that.
Later yeah, if the relationship goes into routine mode and he becomes listless, he is more ample to stray. Not that it has anything to do with you, but more importantly it is a flaw in his own character. A flaw that is exploited by what he has been told on a regular basis by his male counterparts and society.
If you are told something over and over again, at what point does it become real? Probably when you accept it as being real in your mind. How long before a man in your life allows it to become real, that once he gets married sex goes out the window? Or that being with the same woman for a long period of time is like eating the same meal, over and over again?
Comedians have made jokes about these same issues and men as well as women have all laughed, at least until it became real for the man in your life. What did Chris Rock say about being married? ” If you like f**king, marriage ain’t for you! (See video) Unfortunately, some of us buy into this thought process and chose to seek excitement elsewhere.
Women of course have been victims of societal views as well. Yeah, you know what I am talking about. You’re supposed to suppress your sexual urges, act like a lady, right. I can understand and appreciate that outside of a relationship, however, in a relationship, you should be you! So if you really enjoy sex, then now is the time to become uninhibited and enjoy yourself with someone you love who loves you as well.
Oh, let me get back on topic because you are reading this to discover how to keep your man out of another woman’s bed, right? That’s easy, think about where you are sexually in your relationship. Ask yourself, who initiates sexual contact most of the time? 10 to 1 (I live in Vegas) says it’s the man in your life. You see women most times without realizing it take their cue for sex from the male. Why? Because society has said that men have a higher sex drive than women, and if a woman has one as well then she’d be better suited by hiding it.
So what women tend to do is they wait for the male to request sex and if she is in the mood, OK, it can be done. If she is not, then he’s pissed because you’ve rebuked him. It also has falsely led women to believe that men are oversexed. Not because he actually is, but rather because you’ve reduced him into guessing when you are in the mood.
Let me try to explain this simple logic to you. You’ve went from participating in the when and where you two have sex, to waiting on him to determine when and where and you participate only if you feel up to it. It’s understandable that you are not in the mood every single time on his schedule. However, what you failed to understand is that you have buried your schedule, and didn’t even realize it and this creates a problem that may result in his diving into another woman’s bed.
Lets try looking at it this way, OK? You enjoy sex, right? You enjoy making love to the man you love, right? So why in the hell would you do it only on his schedule? That’s asinine and problematic! It also creates a view of him that is not altogether true. He’s not oversexed, its just that you’ve stopped initiating it when you want it choosing to wait until he requests to make love.
Why not try this, everyone of you have those times when you want to make love or simply have sex just like men do, right? When you get these urges which I am sure occur on a weekly basis, act on them with your man. Don’t wait until he wants you, let him know that not only do you want him but you need him to fulfill your needs as well.
Want to know what the results will be? Eventually you and he will become balanced in the bedroom. If he is getting sexual satisfaction when he wants and when you want, he’ll be less likely to look elsewhere because he’ll be too busy being satisfied at home. The thought you had of him possibly being totally consumed by sex will be a thing of the past because since now you’re selecting your own days for intimacy based on your needs will leave him fulfilled and you happier. The only unhappy party in this equation is the adult toy industry since you’ll have little need for that device you’ve hidden away in the closet in that shoe box.
Jumping into another woman’s bed will be the last thing on his mind ever, because there is something else that is said that you may have never heard. “Men with empty scrotum’s have no reason to stray!” Lol!
You’ve been mulling this decision in your head for months, should I end this relationship or not? You ask your friends and possibly relatives and you soak in all of this information and you still can’t decide exactly what you should do. To make matters worse, you know in your heart that its the best thing for you and your emotional well being.
You deserve someone who will treat you with respect, someone you can count on, someone you know in your heart that is capable of loving you with all of their heart. You thirst for someone that is exciting and makes you burn with desire again. The man in your life now, he was once like that. He was attentive, responsible, caring and appeared to be head over heels in love with you, and he once knew how to light your flame.
However, that seems like such a long time ago and even those memories are fading. Now, he may or may not call you today. He may stand you up on a date you’ve planned, something he’d never even considered doing when you first started dating. Hell, during those days he’d come to your work place with an umbrella for you just because the forecast called for rain. Those were the days huh? When you were the envy of all of your friends because he placed you on a pedestal.
He’s totally different now, huh? Ok, he’s never hit you or anything and although late at night you have that nagging thought in your head and gut that he may have someone else you have no proof. All you know deep inside is that even though he tells you that he loves you, you don’t feel it anymore, period.
So now, is that enough to end this long relationship? That depends on you and only you. No one is going to have the exact answer you’re looking for. You know the one where they say just the right thing and a switch goes off in your head that says, “Yep, I’m ending this right now!”
However, what I can do is explain to you why it’s so damn hard to pull the trigger on a unhappy relationship. Interested? If you are, read on.
If you’re at this point then above everything else, you’re simply not happy. When I say this I’m not talking about being sad or depressed or anything like that. I mean that your relationship has lost its luster and you know in your heart that it has ran its course. However, you still cannot understand why you can’t simply end it.
You can’t end it because of one word; change!
Many people fear this word and most of us aren’t sure why. It really boggles my mind because change means a new beginning, starting over with a clean slate. I know its venturing into the unknown, but who knows what awaits you on the other side?
When contemplating ending a relationship we tend to think about all of this small stuff, such as what do I tell my friends, family and co-workers. What happens if I make a mistake, will he take me back? Will I be able to find someone better or will I end up with someone worse? A real dilemma, huh?
Oh, and my favorite, I don’t want him to hate me for ending it. I want us to remain friends, always. Hey, and don’t forget, what if no one else wants me? Better yet, how about this thought that I know all of you have had at one time or another; the fear that he will be out of your life, forever! Yeah, you know the one where you are so used to having him in your life and the thought that he will no longer be around scares you. Well guess what? How about before you two ever met? You got along fine during that time of your life, didn’t you?
You know what I think of all of this stuff? Its just stuff! That’s all it is, stuff. It enough to make a sane person go mad, seriously. So tell me, who in their right mind would stay in a relationship that they are not satisfied with? You?
Life is short and its fleeting. Why you’re reading this post time is flying by. Time that you’ll never get back so I try to write things that you can get something out of. I don’t want to waste your time, because its extremely precious. With that in mind, can you really afford to spend another hour, day, week, month or year in a relationship that you’re not happy with?
To make matters a little more interesting let me give you something to think about. How do you really know that he’s not feeling the same way? Yep, men stay in relationships because they want to avoid change as well. Any of you ever been in a relationship and one of you decided it was time to call it quits and you both breathed a sigh of relief? It happens, I promise.
Hell, it happened to me years ago. I dated a girl for roughly 6 months and one night while watching TV she asked me if I was really happy in the relationship and after dancing around the question (I thought it was a trick) I confessed that actually I wasn’t. I told her that I was content, but not truly happy.
She laughed and told me that she felt the same way. Yep, there was a sigh of relief on both of our parts. We both had a good laugh about it and through talking we discovered that we’d probably make better friends, which we did. I mean, we liked the same things, we loved to talk to one another and we laughed a lot. However, once we became a couple the magic kinda disappeared. Afterward, it wasn’t awkward at all since we quickly went back to being friends.
We still hung out together, called each other often and held Friday night movie vigils at her home or mine. Then after a couple of months she called me really excited and informed me that she had met a guy that she thought was the right person for her. I wished her well and I met him a couple of years later at their wedding. He’s a very nice guy and they are still very happily married with children to this day.
The moral to that story is that hell, he may not be happy in the relationship either and chances are that if you’re not happy, neither is he. How can he be happy if he knows that you are not? You may not say whats on your mind but if you’ve been together for awhile he knows your body language and he knows that there is something wrong. The girl I spoke of above, she later told me that she noticed that I seemed distant. She went on to inform me that she noticed that I seemed as though things weren’t fun and exciting anymore and she began to feel the pressure as well, and it she too became unhappy with the relationship. We only dated for about six months, how long have you and your man been dating?
Now, for those of you in this situation I hope that this post opened your eyes a little. I hope you stop thinking about only you and think about how he may feel as well. If you’re not happy, maybe he isn’t as well. I hope you stop worrying about the changes you assume you’ll be faced to deal with and begin looking forward to what can be awaiting you in the future.
“Women are going to form a chain, a greater sisterhood than the world has ever known.”
— Nellie McClung
You meet a new guy and you love everything about him. He calls and your stomach gets knotted up, and when you’re around him you have butterflies. You cannot sleep because he’s always on your mind. Love, isn’t it grand? There is nothing as precious as new love, you cannot get enough of it. The feelings you get are indescribable, and you feel like you’re about to burst with excitement.
Late at night you lay in bed and you think of every single moment of time that you spent with him during the day. You review every single word spoken and chastise yourself for not saying the right thing at the right moment of the conversation. You feel awkward, like you’re a school girl with a crush and he’s the big man on campus.
You cannot wait for the next day to see him and take in the aroma of his cologne and look into his eyes once again. Every time he brushes against you or slightly touches your hand you get weak in the knees and you blush uncontrollably.
You find it difficult to concentrate and eating is a second thought, your appitite is vertually gone and you often wonder if you’ll actually be able to eat in front of him when you go out on your long anticipated date.
Love, there is nothing like it is there? However, on the flip side these same emotions can describe the way women feel when they’re heartbroken. The two basic issues of course are lack of appetite and sleep, but of course your stomach gets knotted just the same. You also wonder if it was something you said or did and if you could have done things differently.
Now the issue here is how do you keep from ever feeling like the latter of these two emotions? How do we insure that you never have your heart and emotions drug through the mud while you shed tears that could have been prevented.
Did you know that women can protect their own hearts by simply doing one thing at the beginning of every relationship, even before you begin to act like a love struck schoolgirl. Before you place your heart in the hands of a person that you thought dropped out of heaven, but may have came from a much lower area, you should find out from where he really came.
“There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”
— Madeleine Albright
Every man that you meet has a past. It’s that past that can determine your relationship fate. Before you throw caution to the wolves and fall head over heels in love with someone who may break your heart into, it behooves you to proceed with caution. Do your homework and attempt to discover who he really is and if possible, why?
It is amazing that more women don’t do what I am about to introduce you to, because if done properly it works to your benefit. Its also the hidden secret that men never want you to discover. Its the inside information straight from the horses mouth that could sink them where they stand when they are dishonest.
What is this secret that make men tremble in their boots? The girl that held his heart before you! She holds all the secrets that can mean success or failure for you if you enter into a relationship with the man that makes your heart pound faster.
Now before you decide that this is not a route you would chose to take lets take a look at it from a different angle. Think about your last boyfriend, what could you share with another woman that could spare her a harsh break-up and a broken heart. Was he good to you? Did he cheat on you or god forbid, hit you. You hold valuable information that could assist another woman whom might be sitting at home right now with butterflies in her stomach over a man that you know to be a liar and a cheat. If you could save her from heartbreak and despair, why wouldn’t you. If you don’t, when the day comes that he rips her heart out or hurt her in any other manner, you are just as responsible as he is because you could have and should have warned her if she asked.
It amazes me that we tend to not inquire about the person that held our love interests heart until after we break up with them. We tend to believe what our partners say about them and as with nature we side with the one we’re with. That is until that day after our hearts have been broken into tiny pieces, we wonder if all that was told to us was actually true.
Then by chance you meet the person, and discover that they are nothing like the person you were led to believe they were. These meetings always end with you gaining a good friend and with them informing you that had you contacted them they would have warned you about your former partner.
In every relationship there are two sides to the story of why it ended, the side you’re hearing and the silent side. Isn’t it interesting that the side you’re hearing is always the fault of the silent side. But lets be real, how many men have you met that will confess to cheating, beating, stealing from or lying to their ex’s? Better yet, how many men have you met that will inform you that yes, they do have a current girlfriend while they attempt to seduce you?
These are all the more reason for you to seek out his former partner before you jump into a relationship with him. Now we all know that sometimes people make up lies and are deceitful when they have been heartbroken, but all you have to remember is that somewhere between those lies is the truth.
Now many of you are scratching your heads wondering, “How would you react if a strange woman approached you and inquired about your ex?” How would you respond? Hopefully, with dignity and respect as all adults should. If the relationship is over then its over, you both should have moved on by now, so what could it really hurt to assist someone else?
If your ex was a great guy and things simply flamed out on your relationship, then wouldn’t it be wise to inform her of that fact. Would it seriously hurt you to offer her pointers in how she might make their relationship last? Hell, in actuality you know so much about him and if you chose to hold on to that information, then you are really doing a disservice to your ex and the female that’s interested in him, don’t you think?
Now, on the other hand if he was a total jerk and she needs to be warned about him it could be wise to do so. However, it should be done with tactfulness. Sit her down and ask her exactly what she wants to know? Put yourself in her shoes, if his ex before you had told you what you needed to know, would it have prevented your heartbreak? Could it have saved you from anguish and sadness? Would you have headed her warnings? Then ask yourself this, “Can you really walk away knowing that she is headed down a path to pain and refuse to help? Ever heard of karma?
This failure to assist one another is a prime example of why our society is decaying right now. It’s not my problem, so I don’t want to get involved is our new motto. Many times I have wondered what may have been if OJ’s ex before Nichole had informed her of what he was really like? Would Scott Peterson’s late wife have heeded a warning from another woman before choosing to marrying him? I know that these examples are extreme, or are they? However, what I am sure of is that each and everyone of you hold the key to the happiness or suffering of another woman. The only question that remains, is are you willing to share that key or not?
I know it would be awkward for someone to approach you about your ex, however these questions come in many forms. So the next time you get a friend request from your ex’s current girlfriend, don’t be so quick to dismiss it. There may be something that she wants to ask you but isn’t sure how to proceed.
If the thought of this make you uneasy there is another way as there always is. Visit my fellow bloggers site and you can post about your ex anonymously. This way any woman that is interested in him can locate the info she needs right there and no one will be the wiser. Also, while you are there, you can check up on your current beau, or someone you may have had you eye on. Its free, and although most of the comments are negative, like I stated earlier, somewhere between the two extremes, lies the truth.
So if you have the time or you’re simply curious, please visit www.cheateralert.com, you never know what you may discover or what you may be able to contribute to someone else s happiness.
Sometimes, when we get just too damn comfortable too soon with a new person we tend to let our guard down and throw caution to the wind. You have to understand that just because you feel comfortable with him doesn’t necessarily mean that he feels the same way about you. He may tell you he does, but then again he may be on the bubble with where your relationship is heading.
In my past I terminated several relationships because of a simple comment that just grated me to the point where regardless of how I tried I couldn’t get over. Looking back now, I agree I was really very shallow when it came to relationships. Now that I know this, I also understand that as a man, I am not alone and men that you have met or will meet may be shallow in the beginning as well.
With this knowledge, I figured it may benefit you to know that there are some things that you may not want to say, regardless of how comfortable you may feel in the beginning of the relationship. However, as many of you probably know, once the relationship is defined and is solid then anything you say will not be held against you in the court of love. (Ah, unless it’s a lie, then all bets are off.)
Moving on, lets get to “8 Things you should never say to a man, if you want to keep him!” (note: These are things that you may not want to say while you two are in the beginning stages of what you hope to be a long term relationship, ok?)
1) I want to be a stay at home mom;
What men hear: She wants a rich guy to take care of her and do nothing but have kids. Men want partners and since for years women have preached equality, we expect you to help carry the load. Now on the other hand, if he is rich or on his way to being rich this may work out fine. However in this economy it’s all hands on deck and that means you as well.
2) I once dated my boss;
What men hear: She’s looking for a man with power and if I am not it, it could be her next or current boss. Also, there is this old saying that you should never shit where you eat, which means sleeping with the boss is not a smart move. Oh, and now we think about what her reputation in the office is like. Office gossip is brutal and she gave them a lot to work with. Time to move on suddenly sounds good for us.
3) I like women too:
What men hear: Most of the men I have talked to regarding this type of situation informed me that in the beginning they thought that they had hit the jackpot. In the end they said they wish they had never known. Visions of three ways clouded their judgment. They all assured me that it was great and exciting when it first began because they had convinced themselves that it wasn’t cheating as long as it was only with women. Wrong!
How secure could he possibly be when he knows that his girlfriend is trolling for women with a higher success rate than he and his friends ever had? After awhile the excitement wears off and jealousy appears as with any relationship when a third person is introduced into the equation.
A woman once told me that there is no such thing as being bi-sexual. She said that people whom say that they are, really are saying that they are selfish sexually and its all about them. She went on to say that regardless of if they are with a man or woman, all they really care about is their own needs being met. I don’t know if she’s right or wrong on this and I am not in a position to argue either way.
4) You are the biggest I have ever had;
What men hear: I have been with numerous men and I am checking sizes and discussing them with my girlfriends. We really don’t like to think about your sexual conquests to begin with, because in our minds you were a virgin when we met. You just killed that image with that one statement and to make matters worse you were probably just trying to make us feel good. Now we can’t shake the thought of you out of our minds, measuring privates of men lined up with towels wrapped around them. Ugh!
5)I have never done this before:
What men hear: With me! Especially if you suddenly take control right in the middle of it and seem to anticipate our every move. You should never utilize those words to a man especially if its while in bed. It’s equally bad if you just met him or you’ve liked him for awhile and its the first time you two have been alone and he talked you into bed.
Note: The funny thing about men, yours truly included is that women are right when they think that when it comes to sex, once we get an erection we stop thinking clearly. However, once that erection subsides we replay the whole conversation that got us into the situation to begin with. So, if you said something that didn’t bother us while we were trying to satisfy our needs it will jump out at us when clarity returns. This clarity period is a main reason for one night stands.
6)My last boyfriend did it like this:
What we hear: We are being compared to some guy who for whatever reason still occupies your thoughts. This is not good, because in order for us to feel comfortable with you, we’d like to think that only we occupy your thoughts. Not only that, but hell if he was so great, why are you with me?
7) We have to keep our relationship a secret:
What we hear: This is sometimes said when the parties are of different racial or economic backgrounds. Problem is that now he feels as though he’s good enough to sleep with but not good enough to be seen with. Yep, men don’t like this type of situation either. We start out saying that we can handle it, but in the end we hate it too. Remember the saying, “Forbidden things are sweeter”, they really aren’t.
8) You once tried to get pregnant:
What we hear: You want a baby and you may try to have one by us without our knowledge. This is a scary thought if we’re just beginning. Most men aren’t comfortable with the premise of having a child so quickly and you’ll notice that although you’re taking birth control pills, he still insist on wearing a condom as well. You know he’s uncomfortable if even with the condom on he still withdraws before ejaculation.
I guess I could actually add several other things not to say as well, but I’ll just list a few without commenting on them so you’ll know.
9) I need a man to pay my bills.
10) I had an abortion.
11) I was once with multiple men at once- You may want to keep this to yourself
12) I was a teenage prostitute.
14) I was molested.
15) I was in rehab, twice.
16) I had a eating disorder.
17) I used to cut myself occasionally.
18) I tried to commit suicide.
19) My last boyfriend is on death row.
20) I am awaiting sentencing.
The point I am trying to make is this. In relationships there should be no secrets if it is to blossom and grow. However, it is important that you get to know the person before you decide to tell them some things. When we are really comfortable with one another and we both know where its headed then anything you say will more than likely be forgiven. However, if you say them too soon they’ll be used solely as a reason to exit by menn who may not have wanted to be with you long term to begin with.
When we love someone and I am not talking about lust, but true love, we can accept the fact that we all have skeletons, or crutches in life. The things you say in the beginning that could make a man run, could actually bring him closer when he’s actually had the time to get to know you and love you for who you are.
I received a message from Comieko, a friend on my Facebook fan page and she had an idea for a post for this blog. She inquired if I could write about what men want in a woman. I thought that this might be interesting as well, so I responded to her message and informed her that I would write a post on this subject.
However, I know exactly what I wanted in a woman, (got it) but all men are different in what they seek for a lifetime partner. I needed help, so I picked up the phone and contacted single friends of mine. I called guys whom are lawyers, investigators, night club owners, Cops, athletes, teachers, freight train engineers, business owners, military members and more.
To enhance the study group, I went out and simply started conversations with men I didn’t even know. Most people would consider this difficult, however it’s a part of my job anyway (extracting information from people). So getting these virtual strangers to tell me what they were seeking in women was an easy task. Funny thing though, I would approach each and begin the conversation about sports and in the end begin complaining about my (fictitious)girl. Ten minutes later I would ask, why can’t I find a perfect girl and we would compare notes.
So after interviewing approximately 60 men from all walks of life, I compiled the information and created a list based on “What men want in a woman”. Some of it surprised me, some of it reminded me that nothing has changed in the singles world and some of it made me laugh because I realised that every single woman on this planet is just like the one men really want.
*** Note*** This list is composed of the items based on the percentage of men who stated them and in the order that they arrive is based on which item had the highest percentage.
Let me not keep you guys waiting and get on with why you are here, so you too can know what it is that men want in you.
10 Things guys really want in a woman:
10) Great Sex:
Personally I think that this came in last because I wasn’t really interested in what men wanted women to do in bed sexually, sorry. I tended to steer the conversation in a different direction when this topic became to descriptive. Maybe its me, but what people do behind closed doors I think should remain there. However, with that said, I need to add that hanging a wicker basket from your ceiling so that you can reminisce about a fling you had in a Bangkok massage parlor will not get you the woman of your dreams Mr. Davis from Montreal. But then again it might.
Most of the guys I talked to were able to get their point across without being so blunt. However, several, (Mr. Davis being one) felt the need to relive old conquests. (I pity the woman who ends up with this guy). It didn’t help matters that the Adult Entertainment Convention was in town as well, and although he was here for the CES Convention he seemed to think every woman in Vegas was from the Porn industry.
On the other hand guys like Matt from Seattle and Chen from Hong Kong were much more mature in this arena. These are two guys whom basically informed me that they knew that although sex was important, they simply didn’t worry about it as much as finding a woman they enjoyed being with out of bed just as much.
Steve a bus driver from New York, still single by the way, informed me that his parents had been married for 30 years. He said that his father told him years ago that the sexual aspect of the relationship will taper off, but the actual love he should have for the woman in his life will grow stronger over time. In his fathers words, “Love is better than sex when its real.” I have to admit, I agree with his fathers assessment.
9) Dresses nice:
The great thing about conducting these interviews (so to speak) in Las Vegas was that whenever I was having a conversation there were so many beautiful women walking around. This gave me the opportunity to observe what men thought by watching their eyes and listening to their comments concerning the different attire women wore.
I was sitting at the Halo Bar in the Miracle Mile Shops at Planet Hollywood on a Friday night and struck up a conversation with Mike, a Military helicopter Pilot Stationed in Korea. As we sat there talking about what he wanted in a woman when a cute girl walked by and he turned to look to the point where I thought he was going to spill the drink I had just brought him.
When he gained his focus again you know what he said? “She’d be good for a one night stand.” I understood exactly why he made this statement. Although she was very pretty, her beauty was overshadowed by the very, very short skirt she was wearing, not to mention the blouse that was unbuttoned damn near to her waist.
Men are very visual when it comes to women and I’ve written this more than once, “The way you dress determines how men perceive you.” In this instance he had fully determined that she was someone he would possibly sleep with, but only once!
Later another beautiful young woman passed by the bar. She was very well dressed, nice slacks, heels, make-up and beautiful hair. He turned and they made eye contact, he spoke to her in a very kind and polite manner and she responded, politely. He didn’t look at her as a piece of meat, it was almost gentle. When she was past his line of vision he didn’t turn to look at her back side, he looked down and almost smiled.
Quickly I asked what was the major difference between the two women? He answered exactly as I thought he would. He said that the first woman exuded sexuality which was very appealing to him. However, the second woman was more like a woman he would actually like to get to know better. He went on to say that she dressed in a fashion that stated that she was professional, confident, mature and beautiful. He finished by saying that she was the type of woman who he could easily introduce to his mother. Strange huh? But wait, it gets stranger because I was bored.
I sent out a quick text and within five minutes both women arrived at the bar. I introduced him to them both and he almost fainted. Why? Because they are actually identical twins! He hadn’t noticed because of the differences in the way they had dressed. They are old friends of mine that I have known for several years and since they were in town I asked them to participate in my little study. They agreed as long as I promised to take them to dinner afterwards which I was going to do anyway, lol.
I only did this to Mike, and I never explained to him why. I did explain to him that he had proven a point that would be advantageous to women everywhere. He was a good sport and I wish him well in the Military.
Others that bought up this subject, like Ben, a student from Boise State (here for the Las Vegas Bowl) echoed like all the rest. A womans dress and appearance is important in that they would like for her to be appealing to them but not in a way that garners too much unwanted attention. This brings me back to something men spoke about often and you will see it again later in this post, jeans and a nice top are always good.
8) Has her own life:
Scott a Sports Store owner from Miami was the first to bring up this topic. He informed me that it was important to him to have a woman who had her own career, life and friends. He felt as did the others that I talked to later that if she possesses these things in her life it increased the chances of the relationship growing.
Eric a Bartender from Bellevue Nebraska, stated that if her friends are your friends and her job is your job then at the end of the day you have absolutely nothing to talk about. Eric’s friend Jason, an Insurance Agent echoed the sentiment and added, “If she has her own life, job and friends it ensures that as a couple you have plenty to talk about that’s interesting. He said his last girlfriend worked with him and the thing that drove him crazy was that when she was pissed at him, everyone at work knew it and it made it difficult for him at work as well as at the home they shared.
Eventually he said he resigned his position hoping it would help their relationship if he work elsewhere. He said this worked for a while but in the end although he had a different job they still shared all of the same friends. He went on to tell me that is why you should never date someone you work with, two people sharing the same life is difficult and boring.
I wanted to know how did they explain the countless numbers of married people who own business’s together? Eric informed me that being married is different. He went on to say that when you are married, you know that this is the person you’ve selected to spend the rest of your life with. You already know that you are compatible with her and spending time with her every single moment is a pleasure, or should be. Spending every waking moment with a woman you’re trying to determine if she will one day be your wife is a recipe for burnout, he added.
I am not sure if they are right or not, but I do know this on the subject. My wife and I met at work years ago, although we shared a couple of common friends, for the most part we did not. I left the company within a few months of us becoming a pair and we’ve never worked together since.
I seldom visit her at work and I think she has been to my office only a couple of times. I find it interesting to attempt to place faces on the people she talks about in her stories about her work and I am sure she’d say the same. Either way, I enjoy her stories of humor and frustration in her work environment and I think she enjoys the fact that I listen allowing her the opportunity to vent from time to time.
Now that we are in Vegas, we don’t have any real common friends. The friends that we do have are ones that we met on the job. I’ve only met two of her friends and she only one of mine. I am not sure if this helps but hopefully you get the picture. If not maybe this will, we still have a lot of interesting things to talk to one another about every single day and I look forward to our conversations.
7) Shared interests:
Do you like football? Basketball? Baseball? Soccer? Do you follow any sport? If not you may want to learn a little about one or all of them. Men do many things to be able to meet women, anything to have a way of breaking the ice and share a passion. However, we draw a line at basket weaving or bargain shopping.
If you would like to meet some really good men, try this: Visit Las Vegas during football season. Buy yourself a nice football jersey (they make them for women as well), and visit one of the many sports books around the city. Breaking the ice has never been easy. You’ll meet men from all walks of life, some who will of course want to date you because you share a common bond and others whom will just enjoy the fact that you are there as a fan of the game.
While talking to Russell, (a Stock broker) from New Jersey, an attractive female entered the sports book alone wearing a NY Giants jersey and a pair of Levi jeans (more about the jeans later). She sat alone and watched the game, Russell continued to watch her to see if she was waiting for someone. After a short period of time he excused him self and approached her. He of course was wearing a NY Jets jersey and I figured the meeting would be very interesting.
From a distance I observed him approach and with a smile on his face extend his hands in a non confrontational manner and then they both laughed. I couldn’t hear the conversation but judging by the laughter I could tell that he may have made a connection.
A few minutes later he returned so I thought we would finish our conversation. However, I was wrong, Russell apologized for having to leave, grabbed his drink and headed to the table with the female. However, before parting he left me with this statement; “I love women who enjoy football, even if she does like the Giants. I think I may have met my future wife.”
That was a bold statement to make concerning a woman he has met less than three minutes earlier, but who knows, stranger things have happened in Las Vegas.
Now lets look at this situation from her perspective. She prepared herself by enjoying a game that she knew men enjoyed and apparently she does too. She dressed to blend in which also created an automatic icebreaker for any man who cared to approach. Armed with her knowledge of the game she had turned her football passion into a target rich environment of available single men.
My wife loves sports. She’s a Dallas Cowboys fan, but I don’t hold it against her. When I first got married we had recently moved to LA. My new friends loved to go to sports bars on Sundays to watch the games. They’d ask if I would like to come along and I would decline. After awhile they would jazz me about being married and not being able to get out of the house without permission. Finally one day when they asked if I would like to watch a Monday night game at a bar close to work, I figured I had better let them in on my secret.
I wanted to stay home and enjoy the game with my wife. This way I could spend time with her doing something we both enjoyed, I could eat and drink beer without paying through the nose and not have to worry about getting stopped for driving under the influence. Make sense? My friends thought so too, so instead they asked if they could come to my place to watch the game. Since my wife hadn’t really gotten to know them it was the perfect opportunity for them to do so. Within a month many of them would stop by on game days with their wives and girlfriends and we turned the whole thing into an event.
In the end, even the girlfriends who didn’t like football learned to enjoy it. It gave them something else to be able to do together. Years later when I call these guys during football season on a Sunday, instead of being at a bar I can hear their wives cheering in the background from their living room. It’s amazing how a small insignificant sport can create a bond between the sexes if allowed.
When education came up in the first conversation I had it was with Jayden from Singapore. With him he wanted a woman whose education level matched his own which is understandable. However later when it was brought up it became apparent that it was for different reasons.
Other men such as Mateo from Hawaii expressed that he liked women whom were educated for the sake of being able to hold conversations on any subject. Others echoed his words as time went by. What I gathered was that these men liked women whom were knowledgeable in current events. They particularly seemed to like women whom expressed their own opinions on topics. Rod, a bull rider from Casper Wyoming chimed in to say that there is nothing more frustrating than to have a woman who for months, your opinion is her opinion, then to come home one day and her opinion is totally different. He said this opens too many questions for him, the first being who the hell is she and where did she come from? The second being that these new opinions may be the opinions of the man she met when you were away on tour. He went on to say that either way when this happened to him in the past he knew it was a signal that the relationship was pretty much over.
Most of the men I talked to not only prefer a woman who is versed on current events but they also informed me that they enjoyed it even more if from time to time their opinions differed. As Troy a banker from London stated, there is nothing like a healthy debate between loved ones to bring you even closer.
I understand this thought process perfectly. My wife and I have been debating whether College athletes should be paid or not for many years. I think they should and she feels that fair compensation is the scholarship to attend school they accepted. Who knows who’s right on this subject, but if it gives us something to passionately discuss I really don’t care.
5) A sense of humor:
We all like to laugh don’t we? It’s healthy for you and it increases your quality of life, especially if you have a woman who makes you laugh. There is nothing like having a woman with a great sense of humor (especially for those days when you do something wrong). Men like to come home and know that instead of an argument after confessing his mistake, they can laugh about it for years.
In my marriage believe me when I tell you that I have made some huge mistakes, huge! However, my wife has a way of making fun of me in a joking way and I appreciate it more than if she hammered me on it. I get the message, I screwed up, again, we laugh about it and move on having learned from it.
Being silly with the one you love is priceless! According to Les a music teacher from Torrance California, he actively sought out a woman with a sense of humor to ensure his relationship would remain fun. He stated that the relationship before his current one was way too serious, he said it became stressful to him so he bailed out. His new girl, according to him makes him smile by simply walking into the room and this is a year and a half later.
While I was taking to him over a beer, his girlfriend walked up to the table and he looked at her and they both started to laugh. He said, “It took your money, didn’t it?” They both started laughing harder, later I found out that she had come to Vegas with a promise that she would only gamble with ten dollars. She had lost it in 20 minutes. Hell, I laughed too. As they bid me goodbye in route to see a show, he turned and told me, “Life is simply too much fun to be serious all the time.”
I really thought that this would be number one, man was I wrong. Beautiful yes, supermodel type, most of the guys I talked to weren’t interested in. They confessed that they think looks in women are over rated. What they expressed was important to them in the looks department was natural beauty. I have to confess, I understand exactly what they mean. Men want women who look great walking through the house with a tee-shirt on, a pair of jeans with her hair a mess and little or no make-up. Oh, and they placed special emphasis on the fact that they love women who look great in a pair of jeans, Levis is the choice according to Parker an anesthesiologist from Houston and many others.
Men prefer natural looking women to women who spend hours putting on make-up to enhance their beauty. As Thomas of Mesquite Nevada so eloquently put it, “I want a woman that appeals to me, not one that tries to appeal to every man.”
Tyler of Salt Lake City, Utah informed me that most people forget that looks fade, but personality and character remain forever.
Alan from Indiana (a pharmaceutical rep) thinks patience is very important in the women he choses because as he said, “I still do things that I shouldn’t from time to time.” Things like staying out too late with friends or making plans and forgetting to inform my partner are a few. He said he’s working on trying to be better about issues like these so that in his new girlfriend they don’t become an issue. He stated that his current girlfriend is very patient with him in this respect and that’s why he’s attempting to change his behavior.
What was funny to me was that Alan and quite a few others informed me that patience was really important because if she is patient with them they feel as though she will be a great mother to their children one-day. Rick from Idaho (a Retail Manager) laughed at the idea, and then changed his thought process after talking about it with me.
He was in Las Vegas with his girlfriend of three years at a conference she had to attend. At the end of our talk he reviewed his relationship and told me that his girlfriend had stood beside him through some very rough times whereas most women would have left him.
Before I left he asked me if it was true that you could get married anytime during the day or night in Vegas. When I left I had the strange feeling that Alan suddenly realised that his girlfriend deserved to be more than just a girlfriend. If I am right on this assessment, I wish them well as Mr and Mrs!
Women with confidence came in second with the men I interviewed. According to Dan, a Physical therapist from San Pedro, California, “If she is confident in herself, she will be more likely to be secure in the fact that she has nothing to worry about when it comes to us.” Meaning: No jealousy issues, no arguments, no complaining.
Robert, a Computer Business Owner from Arkansas informed me that if she has confidence in herself then he will be more confident in her. He went on to tell me that his last girlfriend lacked confidence and it showed in all aspects of their relationship. He said he stressed about it because he always knew that others knew she lacked confidence as well. He told me that the company he founded began to expand and he had to spend a few months on the West Coast away from her. When he returned he discovered she had been unfaithful.
He said he was sure it was because her lack of confidence led her to believe others when they told her that as his company grew he would eventually leave her. He said they had talked about this issue several times and he laughed it off because he though that she couldn’t seriously believe it. He felt she cheated so that she could kill the relationship that she thought would end anyway, even though he had worked so hard for them both.
For his next relationship, confidence will be a top priority in the woman he selects. He further informed me that he travels a lot, and he wants his next girlfriend to be confident enough to know that his heart is wherever she is.
1) A great personality:
I thought probably like you did that the number one thing would be looks. However, if that was the case we were both fooled. These guys almost all rated personality above everything else. Heath a Detective from New Zealand stated, “What the hell good does it do you if she looks fantastic but you can’t stand to be around her?” With that statement, I concur.
Men want a woman that he is drawn to, and nothing does that like a great personality. There is nothing more beautiful than a woman with a great smile who looks at you and even if you’re delivering a package to her office she makes you feel as if she is your friend.
A great personality means that you are approachable and that regardless of the circumstances she makes you feel as though everything will be ok. I asked Todd, a Hotel Manager from Huntington West Virginia what was so important about personality to him and he took a drink of his beer and told me this; “Women with good personalities and a great outlook on life tend to make you feel as though you can do anything.” He added, “It’s also good that when you return home at the end of a hard day, you know that she will be in a good mood which in return will brighten your otherwise dreary day.”
Talking to Adam from New Mexico, a website designer while at Aria in the City Center a very beautiful young woman walked by. Adam politely said hello and she totally ignored him. His personality quickly changed and I could tell he wanted to say something negative about her.
He settled down and then he said, ” The one thing I cannot stand is a woman who thinks she is so pretty that she has no personality at all, or if she does it’s a shitty one!” I let him ramble on for a few minutes as he went on to tell me that he had simply spoken to her to be friendly, not to try to pick her up.
I thought this was the perfect time to inquire as to exactly how important he thought personality was when chosing a woman. His reply: It’s by far the most important aspect of the selection process if you’re looking for a long-term relationship. If it’s simply just for a roll in the hay, it’s dead last. Like the girl I just spoke to, he continued. She has no personality to speak of. Yep, she was pretty, but after not even having the social graces to speak back to someone who said hello, more than likely she’s probably just a pure bitch! Who wants to spend long-term with someone like that?
I asked if he had a girlfriend or wife and he informed me that he did, that she would be down shortly. He was still a little heated about the snub, and at that moment I remembered that generally men have support groups during these moments. this is usually the time when male friends pump up a mans ego by saying something like, “Dude, she was fat anyway or some other insult to make their friend feel better. Hey, I’m married so I’m not about to plug some guys bruised ego about a girl I know absolutely nothing about.
Later, the same girl came by and he started to steam again and I noticed it quickly. I excused myself and walked towards the girl and made eye contact. I spoke to her and she politely waved and I followed her and another female towards another part of the room where they were sitting. From a distance I watched and I observed that they held conversation using sign language.
I didn’t return to the table with Adam, because I understand that many men lack great personalities as well. Although Adam professes to having a girlfriend (which I didn’t see) he above most should understand that having a pleasant personality is something that goes both ways.
I hope that this post if nothing else shows you that in reality no one really knows what men want. Each of us, both men and women are very different in our likes and dislikes when chosing a mate. The list above simply give you an idea of the things men want, however more importantly it lacks what men actually need in a woman.
When talking to all of these men, I noted that not one of them expressed what they needed in a woman. However, they all quickly expressed what they wanted in one. So since they failed to tell us what they need, I decided to tell you what I know each and every man needs in order to make a perfect relationship for his future. Simply put, they need you!
If any woman should make the statement that a good man is hard to find its single mothers. Beside trying to raise a child on her own she has to be extra careful in her choice of men. Many times the last one (baby’s father) may have turned out to be a dud, and although they are no longer together she still has to deal with him because of course, he is the biological father.
Knowing that the biological father will possibly be a permenat fixture is a situation some men are simply unwilling to deal with. They may think that the mother is the best thing since sliced bread and the child is wonderful, but having this guy around that may or may not be doing the right things for his child is at times too much drama.
In my younger days I dealt with this situation from both sides of the coin. I was the boyfriend to a woman with a young son, and of course I was the father of a child out of wedlock. I really think that the first situation prepared me for the latter of the two and for that I am grateful. It also gave me an appreciation of how difficult single moms have in attempting to obtain and maintain normal relationships in these situations.
In my second year of college I met a girl I instantly fell for and we became an item. She quickly told me that she had a young son whom was living with her mother while she attended school. This revelation threw me for a loop, but hey I was smitten with her and since her son was hundreds of miles away I thought, what the hell.
Although I have always loved children the premise of raising a child while attending school and for me playing college basketball would be too difficult a task in the beginning.
However, the next year she and I shared an apartment and after talking it over we decided it would be a great idea if he lived with us as well. We lived together for approximately a year and I have to admit I enjoyed the family atmosphere.
I taught him to read and when I wasn’t on a road trip or at practice I would take him to the park and his favorite place which of course was McDonald’s. Our relationship blossomed and there was a period where we were contemplating marriage. However, as in all relationships there is generally something that simply will not go away, regardless of how hard you wish.
In our relationship it was her sons father. Although they shared the same first name, his father simply wasn’t always the father he should have been, but that’s simply my personal opinion. He lived only two hours or so away but he made very little attempt at spending any real-time with the son.
As for me I assumed the role of being the provider, teacher, disciplinarian and male role model. The one thing I would not do and this is something all men should remember when dating a single mother. We should never try to take the father’s place in the child’s life. We can only fill his space, however never should we attempt to take his place in the mind of the child.
However, as I became really attached to this child that wasn’t mine, I noticed a change in my behavior as well. I enjoyed coming home tired and exhausted from a game or practice and spending time with him while we read a book that I had read as a child myself.
Then although I had promised myself that I would never become too attached to this little boy, I realised I had. I loved his mom and I loved him as well, together we were a family.
During a school break we decided to return to her parents home for a few days before I had to return for a Holiday tournament in another State. That was school for me, studying, practice and intense travel during the season.
While at her parents house the father of the child called and talked to him on the phone. When he got off the phone he was ecstatic, his father was coming to pick him up. I had reservations at first because this wasn’t the first time that he had promised to pick him up and several times he hadn’t shown. However with the close proximity of the father to her parents house I figured he’d show, if not I’d possibly have to pay him a visit.
When the father arrived we were cordial as always, however for the first time I noticed that the child completely forgot about me. I had grown accustomed to being the center of his attention, the person he ran to when he had fallen and hurt himself, the person who tucked him into bed at night, the person who taught him to dribble a basketball, the person who taught him to read.
As he walked out the door and acknowledged everyone in the room with the exception of me, I felt heartbroken somewhat. I felt I had lost something and that I would never get it back, in the position I had coveted in his life or so I thought.
He was only a child and I thought about that fact as I made the long trip back to the school for my basketball trip. I didn’t get to say good-bye because he had spent the night at his fathers and that hurt somewhat. But, I think above everything else, I was simply envious of the bond and relationship he had with his real father.
That’s how children are, they don’t hold grudges if fathers don’t show up on time or fail to show. They could care less about child support payments and such. They only know unconditional love and as parents we are blessed to receive this affection and warmth from them.
By the spring break things began to change in our relationship. Her grades were suffering and she was having difficulty being both a full-time parent and student. I tried to assist her as much as possible but my schedule was even more hectic. To make matters worse she was running back and forth to court because the father refused to make payments as instructed by the court.
Finally one night she informed me that she had decided to drop out of school and was returning home until she could get control of the situation. I understood and with the promise that she would return for the fall semester she and her son packed and returned home.
We kept the relationship together for as long as we could, however with my schedule for school and traveling it was soon apparent that we were growing apart. Late one night on a road trip I called and was informed that she wasn’t home. When I finally talked to her she informed me that she had went out with friends. One thing led to another and we both knew it was over. We wished one another well and went on with our lives.
Years later when I was in the USAF, I called her parents home on a holiday to say hello and discovered that she had joined the U.S. Army and was stationed in the D.C. area. After getting the number from her mom and telling her son how much I missed him I called her.
It was awkward at first but I then realised that her mom had already contacted her to alert her I would be calling. We talked for a short while and caught up on the changes to our lives and promised to stay in touch, however it never happened. Too much time had elapsed and we had become different people.
Later that year I became a father for the first time myself. Only this time I was the absentee father. When my son was born I was in the middle of a basketball game in Tokyo Japan. As a member of the Pacific Air Forces basketball team, it was life as usual for me. Travel, travel and more travel to shoot basketball and a little work in between.
My sons mom and I tried to keep our relationship together as best we could but as she once told me, there are too many people, places and faces between us. I wanted her and my son to live with me in Hawaii, and she wanted to stay close to family and friends as well as finish school in West Virginia. We couldn’t find common ground, I had a contract with the Air Force that I couldn’t break even if I wanted.
So I did the best I could as an absentee father. However, after seeing what it was like from the other side of the fence I promised to do the very best I could. The only real problem I had was that I was half way around the world.
On my returns home it would always be difficult. I had no problem with my ex having a man in her life, however I did have a problem with him if he had character flaws. Drinking, getting high around my son was a definite no, no.
If they had an argument, I expected him as a man to shield it away from my son and for his own safety I expected him to never lay his hands on her or my son. Arguments occur to everyone, however for my son to witness domestic violence was something I simply would not tolerate.
So one night I arrived home and my cousin picked me up from the airport. I had informed my ex that I would be arriving, however as she stated, “she had heard it before.”
So I arrive and go straight to her house. When I knock on the door she answered it and was very surprised. She invited me in and I walked into the living room where I was met by four basketball players from the local University, sitting around getting high.
One of the players remembered me from the days that I had taught basketball camps. The others had no idea who I was which was fine by me, but I intended to get their attention very quickly.
I asked my sons mom where he was and she informed me that he was in his room playing. I requested that she go and pack him some clothing items because I wanted to take him to my home for the next week. Knowing that I was pissed she quickly disappeared into his bedroom to alert him that I was there.
As soon as she closed the door, I looked at each of the guys playing there and I asked if they knew who I was? The kid who knew me, stood up and grabbed his jacket. I explained to the other three that the little boy who was in the back room was my son and that I found it very disrespectful for them to be smoking weed in the home while he was in the vicinity. I then informed them that I was going to check on my son and upon my return from his room it would be in their best interest for them to be gone.
When my son and his mom walked out into the living room it was empty with the exception of my cousin who was playing a video game. My ex looked at me with that look that only she could give and said, “What did you do?”
Privately, I explained to her that this type of behavior was unacceptable to me. So we went through that, well you live in Hawaii and this is my house scenario. I politely explained that I understood this as well, however as long as my son resided there I expected her boyfriend to get high elsewhere.
After a week, my son and I returned to her mother’s house so that I could see her family as well. While there I explained to her mother as well my concern, and I explained to them both that I didn’t have a problem with her having a boyfriend. However, I expected him to respect the fact that my son belongs to me as well and there are things that I would not tolerate. Unknown to me, either by choice (more than likely), her boyfriend was in the room sitting in a chair quietly. I never acknowledged him and a few weeks later she called me pissed because he had broken up with her. Now how this was my fault I still haven’t figured out to this day. I asked her again to get on the plane with our son and live with me in Hawaii. She refused, ok, I asked anyway.
Finally a few years later she found a boyfriend that was perfect by everyone’s standards. He spent time with her and my son, held down a full college work load as well as a full-time job. Not only did she love him but my son thought he was the greatest thing since sliced bread.
So I get off the plane again and directly after hugging me my cousin says, “Hey, you’ll like her boyfriend he’s cool.” “He takes your son to football and basketball games, walks him to school and his practices.” This was only the beginning.
When I arrive at my grandmother’s house, she states basically the same thing. Then she went up a notch and stated that when I sent packages home to my son the boyfriend would tell him how much he meant to me and how much I loved him.
My first meeting with the new boyfriend was awkward to say the least. However, after a few days of running into my old friends whom all seemed to be fans of his, I realised he was pretty cool and we became acquaintances. One night my friends and I went out to have a few beers and he was invited. We talked and you know what, he was really a good guy.
You know what happened next? She dumped him a few weeks after I left to go overseas. She packed up my son and everything she owned and accepted a job in another State. The next time I ran into him was when I went home for my Grandmothers funeral. He was a shell of himself. We drank a few beers and he poured his heart out to me about how much he loved her and wanted to marry her. I felt sorry for him to be honest, so I consoled him as best men can and wished him the best. I really hope my liking him had nothing to do with her leaving him.
Anyway, as I wrote in a previous post, before my son was born we had an agreement. The agreement was that whenever he was old enough to determine who he would like to live with that was where he would reside. In the mean time though, she and I had many conversations and I explained to her that many men would really only want her. Some men simply would not want to do the whole family thing with a child that did not belong to them. I told her that I understood how difficult it was to sustain a serious relationship as a single mother. I also explained to her that in the event that she met a guy who was worthy of her, but he wasn’t ready for the role of dealing with a child that all she had to do was pick up the phone and I would be more than happy to have my son with me. I told her that she would still be his mother and no one could change that fact, nor would I want to. She declined as all good mothers would, but she appreciated the thought.
A few years later she contacted me and informed me that she was getting married to a man I had yet to meet. She went on and on about him and then she got to the punch line. He wanted to adopt my son. Yep, that’s what I said too, “What!”
By now I was a whole lot more mature that I had been when I first became a father and this maturity served me well. With tact and diplomacy, I informed her that although I could appreciate the offer, this was something that I would not and could not allow.
Then I jumped on the first plane from the Middle East so that I could meet this man in person. He was nice enough, and he explained that he simply wanted my son to know that he wasn’t simply marrying his mom. He wanted him to know that he intended to make them an intact family, my son included. I shared my thoughts on this and in the end we sat down with my son and explained the whole situation. I like the guy in a weird kind of way, but giving up my son was not something I would ever entertain for anything.
By the way, they didn’t get married either. However, I promise I had nothing to do with their break-up. By this time I was already married and unknown to me, that within a year and a half I would be getting my wildest dream come true. My son woke up one morning and asked if he could come and live with me!
My ex held up to the agreement that we had made before he was born and through tears she put him on the plane to me where he has remained. Hopefully now, since she has long since finished her degree she will be able to meet a man who is worthy of her. Now although she is still a single mother, she is truly single and available.
In that one selfless act she opened up her options in the area of dating to include all men, not simply men that would date a woman with a child, but all men. She is still young, beautiful and has a lot to offer any man who is lucky enough to have the opportunity to meet her. She’s also a great mother and my son is a living testiment to that.
A few weeks ago she called and I was on my way to work. We chatted about things old and new and then she asked me a question as a way of feeling me out. The question was, ” What would you think if I dated a guy outside our race?”
I laughed because she knew as well as I did that color of a person’s skin has never been an issue for me. Then I explained to her that regardless of who she chose to date we would accept him as long as she was happy. I think she appreciated the honesty and I appreciated the fact that we have come so far as the unmarried parents of a son we both truly love.
Being a single mother isn’t easy, but if you have patience and faith the right man can and will come along. He’ll love you and your children as well and assist you with creating the complete family you so rightly deserve.
This post is somewhat long, however I challenge you to read it because there is a moral to this story that you simply may not want to miss ~ Anonymousmale1
How many of you have bought puppies in your life? You go down to the pet store and you’re excited and apprehensive at the same time. You walk into the pet shop and you walk to all the holding pens looking for the puppy that you feel will be your perfect pick.
Many of the puppies are all giddy at the prospect that they could possibly go home with you. They do everything they can to get your attention. They run up to the window and jump around, bark sharply and whimper when you walk to the next window.
Then you spot one and he’s excited and he’s posturing just for you. You tap on the glass and he dances around panting and barking and as you smile he gets even more excited. You request that the shop employee remove him to allow you to play with him a bit to see if he is exactly what you want.
She guides you to a small holding area and soon return with this beautiful puppy that’s eager to meet you as well. You take him in your arms and hold him, kiss him on the head pet him and play with him. He gets so excited he urinates, and you don’t mind because you’ve already decided he’s the puppy you’ll be taking home.
You alert the sale associate that you’d like to buy him and she leads you through the isles as you select items he’ll need, a bed, food, toys and a collar and leash. She then guides you to the register to ring up your sale which will total way over the amount you originally wanted to spend, but you’re happy, he’s happy and that’s all that matters.
As you’re standing in line while the associate completes the transaction, you look back at the small cubicle that once was your new puppies home. In the back of the cubicle you for the first time observe an identical puppy that you hadn’t even noticed. He’s sitting there now in the front of the cage watching you. He’s watching you with eyes that say he understands, he’s not bitter for not being selected and his expression shows that this is not the first time he wasn’t chosen. However, he still holds the look of love in his eyes and its difficult for you to break your gaze away from him.
With your transaction completed you go home with your newly purchased puppy with the wagging tail and the cute bark. You soon forget about the puppy that was left behind.
You arrive at your home and you place the puppy on the floor and what does he do? He takes a shit on your brand new carpet, then he looks up at you with those loving eyes as to say, “Sorry about that”. You forgive him of course and begin the task of attempting to house train him.
Days turn to weeks and weeks to months and there are times that his cuteness is wearing thin. Frustration sets in, how many pairs of your expensive shoes can he destroy. How many times can you step in puppy puddles in the middle of the night before you feel you’ll go mad.
Your mom comes over and you know what your puppy does? He humps her leg, as a matter of fact, he humps every womans leg that gets in his vicinity. people think he’s cute and when you explain to them how difficult it has been, they tell you, “He’s just a puppy, he’ll grow out of it”, secretly, you wonder.
He barks excessively, driving you and your neighbor nuts. Walking him is a chore, it always ends up with him walking you. He never listens to you and the only time he even appears to care is when you feed him. The rest of the time he’s being destructive.
This goes on for months and you are at your wit’s end, not to mention that this cute puppy now weighs a whopping 75 pounds. Now when he’s walking you in the park, you pray that no one comes anywhere near you with another dog because if it’s a male, a fight will surely occur. If it’s a female in heat she doesn’t stand a chance because he’ll be on her and at his weight the chance of you keeping him off her is slim to none.
Finally you’ve had enough and you talk your cousin who has a house with a few acres of land into taking your once cute puppy off of your hands. You rationalize this situation by telling yourself that what he needs is a very large rural area to run around in. You tell yourself that your small 900 square foot apartment was simply too small for him and he felt cramped.
When he was finally gone you felt remorseful. For weeks you thought about driving the 3 hours to your cousin’s house and taking him back. You miss him and it became difficult to sleep without him there to protect you and although he still refused to be house trained you felt comfortable and safe having him around. You felt guilty for sending him away and you hope and pray that he’s happy, although you’re miserable as hell.
Then one-day while reminiscing you walked through the park where he used to walk you. You though about the time when he basically drug you just to sniff a female dog that was out with her master. You still have the scars on your knee as a reminder.
While sitting on the bench with tears filling your eyes while you think about how much of a failure you are for not being able to make him happy something amazing happens. A ball bounces in your direction and you pick it up. Before you realise it a dog identical to your runs down the hill and directly up to you. You think it is a miracle and you cannot take your eyes off of him. He stops his run and slowly walks toward you as you are holding his tennis ball in your hands.
As he gets near and then directly in front of you he sits down and he gazes deeply into your eyes as you reach the ball out to him. Looking into his eyes you are startled, this is the same dog who while as a puppy stared at you in the pet store. He takes the ball and heads back up the hill to his master. You decide to follow to see who the lucky recipient will be.
When you arrive on the other side of the slop you watch in amazement as the dog returns the ball to the sales associate whom had rung up you transaction that day in the pet store. He returned it with such love and care that you instantly became envious.
Your curiosity gets the better of you and you decided to approach her. You had many questions you wanted to ask. Upon approach she recognized you instantly. After awkwardly explaining how you’d given your dog up, she explained to you how she’d selected it’s brother.
She told you that day in the park that in the beginning there were 5 identical puppies in the pet store and that women just like you had selected the most aggressive of the litter. All had eventually given up on their puppies as they became dogs and had given them away or taken them to shelters. They simply couldn’t control them or change their behavior.
She said that a few days after you had purchased your puppy she was cleaning the cage and after taking a long look into the remaining puppies eyes she decided she wanted him. She said that he wasn’t excited, he simply sat back and watched everyone. She likened it to someone who was looking for a special place, a special home a special friend. She felt that she was special, so why not her and took him home.
She went on to tell you that she never had to house train him, he’d never been on a leash, never chewed anything in her home and only barked while they played. It was like he simply instantly knew what she wanted or needed. When she was happy, he was happy, if she was sad, so was he. She stated from day one she was never his master, but rather his life mate and they both enjoyed one another’s companionship.
Before you left you asked one last question. You wanted to know if her years of working in the pet store teach her which puppies turn out great and which do not? She laughed and told you that in reality she had never owned a puppy before. However, she went on, ” Although I did look for the one I thought needed love as opposed to ones that only loved themselves”.
With that she and her well-behaved, happy, obedient companion disappeared walking side by side, no leash necessary.
The Moral of this story is:
Many times this is how you as women select men as well. You walk into a crowded room and the man who catches your attention is the one that creates the most commotion. They draw attention to themselves in any and every way possible.
If you’re at a bar or a Night Club these are the men the approach you offering drinks or to dance. If you’re at school, these are the guys who approach you and want to start conversation. These types of men make a bee-line directly to almost every beautiful woman in their vicinity begging for you to take them home.
What you fail to notice is that generally they are in the company of another guy. The guy who never feels the need to make an ass of himself by humping your leg. This guy is the one who will not approach you or make a fool of himself. He quietly sits back and occasionally will make eye contact with you, but never for too long.
He is the guy who doesn’t want the attention of every woman on the planet, he simply wants the attention of one. You’ve met him many times and generally you’ve been enchanted by the antics of his friend and when you return to their table his crazy friend will introduce you and he’ll be polite but very soft-spoken. He won’t say too much to you but he will answer questions if you ask. He and his friend probably rode to the party or function together and if you chose to go home with his friend he’ll be in the car with you two (more than often the one driving, since he probably doesn’t drink).
Watching him closely he’ll probably open the door for you after his friend has already gotten into the car and dismissed this act as too gentlemanly for him. He’s the guy that doesn’t fixate on you, however you know that he looks at you differently.
He loves his friend but he really doesn’t approve of his antics and in most cases the way he treats women as a whole. However, he keeps his thoughts to himself because even though his friend (the one you chose) has flaws, he loves him anyway because that’s what friends are for. Friends love you regardless of how crazy you may appear to others, right.
When you get to their apartment (if they live together) he will simply disappear into his bedroom after wishing you good night. What you don’t know is that he is laying in his bed watching tv, while you are becoming a one night stand to a man who wrote the term.
Later after you’ve been used and abused and his friend doesn’t answer your calls anymore. You’ll remember his friend and one-day you’ll run into him at a mall or somewhere simple and he’ll be in the company of a girl that he treats like a queen. You’ll approach and he’ll say hello and being the respectful person that he is he’ll introduce you to his date. You’ll ask about his friend since now he’s avoiding you and he’ll lie for him (because they are friends) but his eyes are too hones and you’ll see that even this hurts him to do.
Guys like this are everywhere. They are the men that women think are myths and they really are not. They simply get overlooked because just like the puppies in the store, others require much more of your attention.
Why they don’t stand out more is anyones guess. Mine would be that many are simply waiting to be noticed by you. These are men who are shy, have been hurt or have a definite idea of exactly what they are looking for in a woman. Regardless of all of this, they are invisible to the women that so desperately need them.
So the next time you and your friends are out, try looking past the puppy that is doing all of the tricks to garner your attention. It’s the puppy in the window who simply is waiting for you to recognize his true worth that you should be seeking. It’s the man who needs someone to love him that is most valuable to your happiness, not the one that loves himself more than he could ever love you that will break your heart, again.
“Resentment is often a woman’s inner signal that she has been ignoring an important God-given responsibility – that of making choices.”
One look at Kim Kardashian and men become mush. She’s beautiful, warm, sexy and successful, everything any man would want. Young girls and women look up to her for all she has accomplished in the last few years and for what she more than likely will accomplish in the future.
Lost in all of this admiration and adulation is this question, at what price would you be willing to pay to be in her shoes?
Every month or so she is linked to a new man. I stated in a previous post that there was no way that she would become Mrs. Reggie Bush. Have you ever taken a good look at her and seriously asked yourself, “How is it possible that a beautiful woman of this caliber still be single while her younger sister seems so happily married to Lamar Oden?”
Now before all of you that have been blinded by her beauty and charm jump up and down and shout, “Maybe she likes being single, or she doesn’t want to get married”, I want you to seriously rethink that statement and ask yourself, what woman really wants to move from man to man?
No, the honest answer and although you may not want to admit it is this: The Video Tape! There I said it, the video tape that surfaced a few years ago displaying her sexual prowess with Ray J, has done her far more relationship harm than good in the eyes of men.
This same tape placed her on the map, it made people notice her as a similar tape did for her once longtime friend Paris Hilton. These tapes brought them to the front page of society and ultimately into your living room. However, these tapes also came with a huge price.
A price that all women, regardless of if you ever want to become a starlet or not need to understand and learn from. Unfortunately, both Kim and Paris were with men whom probably professed their love of them.
False love is something that all women need to remain aware of. When a woman has lost herself in a man who has not lost himself in her it is the perfect opportunity for him to take advantage of you. I’ve stated this many times to my readers that any statement that begins with, “If you love me”, is followed by requesting that you do something disrespectful to yourself as a woman, a person and a human being.
These tapes are a perfect example of what happens when that statement is utilized, or when a woman has lost herself in a man who doesn’t have her best interest at heart. As most of you know, and those of you who don’t please always remember this, “The decision you make today, can and will affect you in the future.”
Think about that if you’ve ever allowed your current or former boyfriend to tape your sexual escapades. He may tell you that it’s just for him to remember his and your love-making sessions when you are not around, or many mens favorite, “I’ll erase it later”. Always promising you that no one will ever see it, knowing fully well that there is no reason in taping it if he cannot show it to anyone.
Taping your girlfriend is like a secret that men simply cannot hold to themselves, they have to share it with someone. So who do they share it with? Their best friends, that’s who! Who blasts his mouth to his best friend and so on and so on. The next thing you know, way before you realise that the secret is out female friends of yours know too. They may have not seen the tape, but there is a rumor that it exists and this is just as damaging.
Oh, and god forbid that you and he suffer a nasty split! You can bet your sweet ass that this so-called private video makes the rounds in your home town as well as the world-wide web. You become an instant porn star without the pay and the butt of jokes from friends and strangers. It’s funny how in society if its done in private, it’s making love, but if this same act is on tape, it’s considered porn.
However, this is just the beginning. How would you like to be at the grocery store with your mom or dad while clerks whisper to one another, “Is it really her?” Or some idiot walks up to you and inform you that he saw the video and thought you were great and should consider becoming a porn star.
Above all of these things is something that women everywhere who have become victims of this type of decision failed to calculate in allowing this filming to occur. It makes creating a solid future relationship nearly impossible!
It’s hard to establish a solid relationship when you have a hard time trusting men because the last one that stated he loved you allowed the world to look into your most intimate moments (worldwide). It’s even harder to locate a man who is not actually asking you out simply for bragging material.
To make matters worse, men have very fragile egos. If you get so lucky as to meet a man who has no knowledge of your video and he falls for you, do you tell him about it, or simply keep it a secret? Either way, it’s still a problem for you. If you tell him, you’ll change in his eyes immediately. You’ll change because he doesn’t have the intestinal fortitude (guts) to accept the fact that not only were you once with someone else, but there is a video that showed it to the world. He may tell you that he understands and he may really try to work through it with you.
In the end though, just like women, men are curious. He’ll ask a friend if he’s seen it? Now its out there, back to haunt you again. If he can resist ever actually seeing the tape, you stand a better chance of having a long-term rewarding relationship with him, one that could eventually lead to marriage. If he for whatever reason sees the tape, it’s just a short matter of time before the two of you are finished.
To give you an idea of what I am talking about let me tell you about a situation I uncovered first hand about this type of situation. A close friend of mine had found what he first described to me as a perfect woman. After the first three months in the relationship he (not her) was already talking about marriage. This was a surprise to all of us as he had always been a committed bachelor.
A few months later the relationship began to fizzle and all of us thought hell, it was simply him missing being a single guy. We laughed about him never wanting to settle down and that it simply wasn’t in the cards for him to ever get married. One night while out and about looking for somewhere to eat, I asked him why the change of heart.
Now, you have to understand, this was a very beautiful, successful, classy woman and to me she was definitely a catch for any man, even my friend. As we sat down, just the two of us, he relayed the following story to me.
He informed me that the boyfriend she had before him was somewhat of a loser and although they had been broken up almost a year before my friend had met her he still held some type of power over her. He said this fact really pissed him off because there was no way that he could be with someone who held another man above him for whatever reason.
He said he asked her about this situation several times whenever her sleazy ex called her asking for some form of assistance, which generally meant money. One day my friend said that he put his foot down and informed her that if they were to be together that she needed to cut ties with the ex. He said that she agreed and changed her phone number so that the guy couldn’t contact her anymore.
He went on to tell me that things began to go back to normal and he thought that finally they could move forward with their relationship. Then he went on to say that one-day she came back into the apartment that they shared crying. In her hand she had an envelope addressed to her from the ex boyfriend.
Through tears she explained to him that while they dated he had taped their tryst one night with the sworn promise that he would erase it later. This was the power that the ex held over her. My friend informed her that he now understood and that now since he too knew about the DVD, he would now put a stop to the blackmailing and end it so that they could move on with their lives.
He told me that night over dinner that he went to the ex’s house and waited for him to arrive home. Once the ex came home he approached him and informed him that under no circumstances was he ever to make contact with or even attempt to make contact with his fiancée. He went on to inform me that he threatened him with serious bodily harm if he failed to heed the warning.
He said that he and the ex entered the ex’s home (with a lot of protest) and deleted all images pertaining to his fiancée on the ex’s computer as well as destroyed two other DVD’s the ex had burned.
A few days later my friend said that he was home while his fiancée was at work. He said that he had started to vacuum and spotted the envelope that she had carried in that day from the mail box. Through tears he informed me that he didn’t know why, but he put that DVD in the computer and viewed it.
He wept as he told me that as much as he loved her and wanted her to be his wife, the images and sounds of her making love to someone else was simply too much to bear. He said to me that night, we all know that our significant other has been with men before us and we accept this fact without much thought. However, to see it for yourself is simply too much for any man.
Since we are friends I knew I could ask this question and get away with it, so I did. I asked him, “Why did you look at the tape instead of simply destroying it as you had the others?” His reply was that for whatever reason, he thought he could handle it. He went on to say that he also wanted to see if all they had went through was warranted. He said that he had hoped that maybe the tape was more like a soft porn, only to find out that it was anything but.
A few weeks after we had our conversation that night over dinner, he called me up and asked if we could have a beer after work. I met him at a local bar and he looked a shell of himself. He quickly informed me that they had broken up. He stated that they had talked it over and it was best for them both.
He said that he still loved her and would give it awhile to see if maybe they could make another go of it. However, he told me as he left that night, “She is free, he no longer has any power over her. So even if we don’t get back together, the next man she meets won’t have to worry about her past haunting them and neither will she.”
A month later she accepted a job transfer to Seattle and he hasn’t heard from her since. He’s back to looking great again and on the lookout for his future wife. Only this time he has a special question he informed me he asks them now; “Have you ever been taped making love?” He states that although it’s an odd question he feels the need to ask for both of their benefits.
So now, please think about this the next time someone who professes their love for you asks if they can bring a camera into an intimate situation. Especially one where they start off saying, “If you love me”. You should end the conversation by informing them that, “If they loved you, they wouldn’t even ask something as disrespectful as to film what should be a loving act.” Then get up, get dressed and move on to someone who is actually worthy of you as you deserve.
Quite a few of you have written to me in regards to your boyfriends (and a few husbands) frequenting the mens den, called Strip Clubs. This issue is a concern for most if not all women in a relationship and I can understand that. So today, I decided I would try to explain to you all, Why men visit these clubs.
I will try to quail some of your fears and attempt to help you identify the signs of this behavior becoming a real problem. Because, at this moment you possibly have no idea what really goes on inside these walls, and the not knowing part is probably what disturbs you the most.
I’ve been to Strip Clubs many times over my adult life and I have to admit that even when I was a “Dog”, the prospect of bedding a stripper was unappealing to me. Now don’t get me wrong, most of them are stunningly beautiful, however I personally have a problem with dating a woman whose job it is to lap dance for men in order to make a buck. I probably could overlook the dancing nude on stage part, but her allowing multiple men to touch her and she them, is what I couldn’t stomach. No real self-respecting man actually could I am sure.
Some men have no issue with this, and to those women who do work as strippers I say; he’s not a real man, period. He’s simply with you because you’re the gravy train and it allows him not to work at all, or to further his going nowhere music career.
Any real man, even if he met a stripper and decided that she was nice, would automatically inform her that to be with him that she would have to change her vocation. Real love is about more than money, I would rather be broke with a woman I love than to be wealthy with a woman whom utilizes her body to make cash for things we really don’t need.
Back to the Club: Most of these places are dimly lit, with the most well-lit area being the stage itself. When you enter they generally charge you at the door or at times they are free with the purchase of several overpriced beverages. Your man will take a seat at a table or he can cuddle up to the stage where he can get a closeup view of the action, if you want to call it that.
In most states, if the dancers are totally nude then the club is not allowed to sell alcohol. That’s not all states, just some. An example of this is that in Las Vegas, only topless clubs offer alcoholic beverages to their clients. If it’s totally nude, guest will only be drinking water, juice or sodas. Now, in Hawaii, all bets are off. They have no so-called topless bars, everything is totally nude with alcohol.
However, if you sit at the stage, the performers expect you to tip them while they dance. This is understandable because hell those are the best seats and she’s not dancing for free, she has bills to pay. Did you know that strippers have to pay a fee each and every night they go in to work? This means that she starts each and every shift already in the hole. Also, at the end of her shift she is expected to tip the waitress, D.J., bartender and in most cases even the club’s manager. Just thought you might want to know that tidbit of information.
If your man sits at a table or a booth, dancers that are between sets mingle through the club and approach customers to talk to. These talks are really a way of breaking the ice and most times leads to him buying her a drink. In most clubs whenever a drink is purchased for the dancer she is issued a token that she turns in at the end of her shift and receives a percentage of the cost of the drink.
The really good strippers are really intelligent and patient. They can hold a conversation on anything from auto mechanics to politics without missing a beat. Men will buy them many drinks and most times its nothing more than soda, because she needs to maintain her sobriety in order to make cash. Unknown to most people, men have been known to simply pay a dancer for her time sitting there chatting the night away.
Once she has him to the point where he is comfortable she inquires as to if he would like a dance. A lap dance is where she makes the big money and is important to her having a financially great night. In this dance it is her job to entice a customer by bringing him to erection, which means that he will be more eager to open his wallet for more dances.
Do you remember the quote that Robin Williams said about men?
“God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.”
This statement although funny is actually true in regards to strip clubs. If a dancer is good enough at what she does, that 3 minute, $20 dance can turn into hundreds if not thousands of your mans hard-earned money. It can make him come back for more, week after week searching for the same dancer, whom now calls him a regular.
To keep up the charade, after a few weeks she will exchange numbers with him just to keep him on the hook. However, she will only call him when she hasn’t made her goal for the night or whenever she needs something. You can also rest assured, he is not her only regular customer. The really good dancers, they have many regular customers at their whim. All of these men think that they are the only one.
***Warning Sign*** If your man frequents strip clubs, and he gets paid on Friday and is broke by Monday he is considered some dancers regular. So it would behoove you to check his phone and terminate this situation quickly!
Now these Lap Dances can take place in a couple of different places throughout the club. It can occur in a VIP setting, which is nothing more than a darker room sectioned off by walls complete with couches or at his table if he prefers. For the VIP areas, these dances cost somewhat more, generally dancers talk men into going with the promise of having more privacy alluding to the fact that he will have more freedom to do more. Wrong! Clubs have cameras everywhere and bouncers as well. You get caught doing more than basic touching and his ass is out of there in a hurry. So basically she simply just suckered him into spending more cash for nothing.
Do more sinister things happen in a strip club? Yes they do, but those things are not the norm. Occasionally a dancer will have too much to drink and allow a customer to go too far, which usually ends with him being put out of the club and her being terminated. Clubs make too much money to allow some simple-minded dancer to cost them their license.
For men going to a strip club is a game of cat and mouse. They all know that these women are after their wallets (or rather its contents), and some men of course are after something else. So the women and men both tease one another trying to get more than what either are willing to give. This ritual heightens the excitement. He wants a number at the least, she wants him to get more dances. They both attempt to manipulate the other to see who wins.
Men who understand this game enjoy it for what it really is, entertainment and childish play. Both sides lie, she said her name is Heather, and he tells her he’s an attorney. In the end it doesn’t matter because when its said and done, she’ll go home to her man (or woman) and your man will come home to you.
Is it cheating? That depends on how you want to look at it. Just like women like the attention of men, men at times like the attention of beautiful women. In a strip club he gets exactly that. For those couple of hours he can be anyone he wants because it really doesn’t matter to the girls, because they only want cash.
So he gets an erection, is that so bad especially since you and he both know he’ll be sharing it with you when he gets home. Be honest, all of us fantasize while making love from time to time. Your partner becomes someone else in your mind for that fleeting moment. If you become the stripper that he spent an hour with earlier and it increases your pleasure, is that really so bad? (As long as in the middle of it he doesn’t call you Rain or some other made up stripper name.)
Truth be told, most strippers could care less about the men that visit the clubs. During their time working they get to see men at their absolute worst! They get to see grown men acting like the kids they really are, cursing, attempting to fondle them, calling them names and worse. Where else could you go and see a Bank President throwing money in women’s faces like its rocks. Where else could you see a professional athlete making it rain with hundred-dollar bills?
The only place you can see this type of behavior is in your neighborhood strip club. You can see it there because it’s private and inside men can act anyway they want within reason. A stripper walks by, he can pat her on the ass as long as he doesn’t actually grope her and she’ll smile. Another one walks by and regardless of how beautiful she is or how unattractive he may be, he can approach her and get her to sit and chat with him without fear of rejection (for a fee of course).
Inside these clubs men can do the things that are no longer permitted in our everyday lives because of the radical societal changes over the years. They may have to now pay for these privileges today, but there was a time when you could tap a waitress in a restaurant on the fanny if you chose and as long as you left a fat tip it was permissable. Men used to do the same to their secretaries as well. Try this tactic today and you’ll end up with a sexual assault charge on your record.
Most men, and I am not saying all, actually only go to strip clubs to unwind and relax. They’re in an enviroment without the stresses of everyday life, a place where you can have a drink, look at half or fully nude women and converse with them or even other men. Real men do not want a stripper as a girlfriend, they simply do not. Now, some men want to have one for a short period of time as a trophy (something to brag to friends about), but not to fall in love with or marry. It happens though, but generally ends in disaster.
What women fail to understand is this; in reality a strip club is a much safer place for your man to visit than a regular night club. That caught you by surprise didn’t it? However, lets examine that statement a little closer. In a strip club your man is being monitored by bouncers, management and that eye in the sky camera system to ensure he doesn’t do anything that can cost them their license. The girls there for the most part are really less interested in taking your man home then actually sending him home to you with an erection and an empty wallet.
Now, a regular night club is a tad bit different. Women and men go there mostly for the sole purpose of picking someone up. There is no person or entity to modify their behavior, now they won’t let them make love on the dance floor or the coat closet, however they will allow them privacy to talk, touch, kiss etc. They can exchange phone numbers and they may even leave together-his car or hers. At a strip club this is simply not going to happen.
He may save a few dollars by going to a night club, however if he gets an erection while slow dancing with a girl he just met, he may or may not be utilizing it with you later.
So that’s my spill on strip clubs, they’re really not as bad as most women think. In retrospect, its men making bad decisions that make them seem worse than they really are, for the clubs and their women at home who love them.