“There is an innate desire in all creatures to grow…Yet in any type of growth and change something has to end for something new to begin” ~Unknown
Recently while I was surfing the web I noticed tons of advertising for books on “Getting your Ex back” everywhere. This made me wonder about the state of many relationships and I ask myself this question, which now I will pose to you; “Why would you want to get back with someone who broke your heart?”
Let that thought simmer in your brain for a minute and think back to all of the sleepless nights, laying in bed wondering if he was true to you, his selfish nature, cheating, lying, treating you like crap. Why in the world would anyone want to cross that bridge again?
My next question to you is, “If the relationship was so great, why did it end?” I will tell you, it ended because it was supposed to end. Relationships that we form over the years are really training zones to prepare us for the one we’re really supposed to be with in the end. Not every man who you date is the one for you, however with that said, most are simply there to educate you on what you do or do not want in the real man you’re seeking as a life mate.
Relationships are just like life, they are tests, a classroom full of experience. Some of you will graduate by learning how not to repeat the same mistakes and move on to the one you were intended for. Others will continue making mistakes, some bigger than others and make this process harder for themselves.
If you are jumping through hoops right now trying to win your ex back, you are making a big mistake. You have not learned your self-worth and simply do not understand that there is a man, a good man out there looking for you right now. One that is probably the man of your dreams, and he cannot find you or you him if you focus on a past relationship that failed.
When women suffer through pains and still try to rekindle a relationship with an ex, it’s not because of love. No it’s not, it’s because of comfort. You want him back because regardless of how miserable he made you, you were comfortable with him and you refuse to accept change.
You may like the way he makes love to you (when he does) or the way he looks, but everything else he does you may hate. This all goes back to what I wrote a long time ago, you can love him all you want, but if you don’t like him as a person why punish yourself by staying or attempting to get him back when it’s over?
It amazes me that we as people don’t understand that if the person you were with would not change to keep you, they will not change if you take them back. Why should they? By taking them back you are simply sending them a message that you will accept them for what they are and who they are.
If you chose to accept them back, then you need to understand that more than likely you will be right back at your break-up point within a few short weeks. The reason I tell you this is because there was no change, no effort, no resolution to speak of.
How many times have you been in a relationship and then it ends for whatever reason? We go through different emotional feelings as we attempt to adjust to this new change in our lives. The person we were with had been a fixture in our lives for months, weeks or even years and now there is a void where they once were.
Emotionally, we sometimes feel like the man who lost a leg in a Coal mining accident, the leg is long gone, however mentally it still itches from time to time. So there are times when we really mis our ex, like when we visit places that bring back old memories.
One thing about human nature is that we tend to block out bad memories, opting instead to hang onto the good ones. We remember our ex and we revert back to happier times, times long gone. You remember things like getting caught in the rain and he used his coat to keep you dry, and then gently kissed you for the first time on your front steps while he was soaking wet.
You tend to remember the day you wrecked your car and he showed up and held you close making sure you were ok all the while whispering that everything would be alright. You remember how when you first began he couldn’t stay away from you too long, he had to see you no matter how difficult it might be for him. Oh, and don’t forget the long lovemaking sessions that seemed like marathons and left you both exhausted and pleased on sweaty sheets.
All of these things you remember fondly and it makes you yearn for the good old days with the man you loved. However, in your mental Rolodex you’ve simply overlooked the fact that somewhere through time he had changed. You don’t think about the guy who wouldn’t return your calls in the end, always telling you how busy he was when he returned home. You’ve forgotten about how he spent hours surfing dating sites on the internet, complete with his own profile.
You’ve forgotten about how he made you feel when he screamed at you in public, and even the sting of humiliation has been omitted in your though process. Hey, what about the day when some random girl called him while you and he were watching a movie and he got up and talked to her in another room? Did you chose to forget about that as well?
What about the occasions when he came home late and you could have sworn that he smelled like women’s perfume, a perfume that wasn’t like yours? Or the times in the end where he simply didn’t want to touch you, let alone make love to you? Thinking back he was probably also very secretive during the last few months and became a person you hardly recognized.
The person we are with when a relationship ends is hardly the person we began with. We all change over time because this is simply human nature, however with that said the goal is to grow and change together not separately.
By now you may be thinking that not so long ago you and your ex broke-up and he was more like the person listed second than the man you originally started with. If this is the case then try asking yourself this question; “Didn’t you try to get him to revert back to the person he was before you chose to break up with him?”
He knew that if he didn’t change back then the possibility of you and he parting was very good. Apparently, he refused to change and now he’s your ex boyfriend for just this reason. Now for a second question, I have to ask this; “What on earth makes you think if you get back with him that he will change now?”
Lets look at where you are now and see if getting your ex back is a good idea for you? Currently, you are in a single situation. There is a multitude of available single men out there right now looking for a woman just like you. By failing to capitalize on the time you have to meet Mr. Right, You are simply hanging on to the past.
Right now, I am sure you have many of your girlfriends who are telling you the same thing and your thoughts are they simply do not know how you feel. In their haste to help you they are trying to set you up with men that they think you’ll like.
However, what they are really doing is introducing you to men that they like, because only you know what is really what you want and need in a man. So the next time they tell you that they found the perfect man for you, secretly you should know that they found the perfect man for them. Hey, as friends you can pick out shoes or dresses for one another, but selecting a man is something that you should do for yourself.
Now the other side of this equation is that you can give into your whims and try to get your ex back. Although the ending left a bad taste in your mouth, maybe he’ll really change and you two can rekindle your relationship magic and make things work this time. Or not!
If you’re willing to ignore the things that caused the break-up to begin with and accept all of his faults, you can make a go of it if he’s willing. You also may want to consider that the time that you two were apart if he was actually as heartbroken as you. If not, then he may not have waited for you as you did he. He may have dated, tasted his new-found freedom and enjoyed the company of a bevy of women seeking your replacement. If this is the case he may not be as eager to return to a relationship that he may feel was mundane as you are. Just a thought.
Now, before I end this I need to make something perfectly clear. I am sure that these books on “How to get your Ex back” are full of priceless information and they will serve many people well. However, with that said, I would like to point out that trying to get your ex back is easier if you can answer these questions; “Do you love him & is he worth trying to work it out?”
If your answers to both these are yes, then by all means arm yourself with the information in these books to assist you with making your dream come true of getting him back. I hope it works out for you in the end, and if it does, I’d love to hear about it so drop me a note and let me know if you would. Thank you in advance.
“Resentment is often a woman’s inner signal that she has been ignoring an important God-given responsibility – that of making choices.”
One look at Kim Kardashian and men become mush. She’s beautiful, warm, sexy and successful, everything any man would want. Young girls and women look up to her for all she has accomplished in the last few years and for what she more than likely will accomplish in the future.
Lost in all of this admiration and adulation is this question, at what price would you be willing to pay to be in her shoes?
Every month or so she is linked to a new man. I stated in a previous post that there was no way that she would become Mrs. Reggie Bush. Have you ever taken a good look at her and seriously asked yourself, “How is it possible that a beautiful woman of this caliber still be single while her younger sister seems so happily married to Lamar Oden?”
Now before all of you that have been blinded by her beauty and charm jump up and down and shout, “Maybe she likes being single, or she doesn’t want to get married”, I want you to seriously rethink that statement and ask yourself, what woman really wants to move from man to man?
No, the honest answer and although you may not want to admit it is this: The Video Tape! There I said it, the video tape that surfaced a few years ago displaying her sexual prowess with Ray J, has done her far more relationship harm than good in the eyes of men.
This same tape placed her on the map, it made people notice her as a similar tape did for her once longtime friend Paris Hilton. These tapes brought them to the front page of society and ultimately into your living room. However, these tapes also came with a huge price.
A price that all women, regardless of if you ever want to become a starlet or not need to understand and learn from. Unfortunately, both Kim and Paris were with men whom probably professed their love of them.
False love is something that all women need to remain aware of. When a woman has lost herself in a man who has not lost himself in her it is the perfect opportunity for him to take advantage of you. I’ve stated this many times to my readers that any statement that begins with, “If you love me”, is followed by requesting that you do something disrespectful to yourself as a woman, a person and a human being.
These tapes are a perfect example of what happens when that statement is utilized, or when a woman has lost herself in a man who doesn’t have her best interest at heart. As most of you know, and those of you who don’t please always remember this, “The decision you make today, can and will affect you in the future.”
Think about that if you’ve ever allowed your current or former boyfriend to tape your sexual escapades. He may tell you that it’s just for him to remember his and your love-making sessions when you are not around, or many mens favorite, “I’ll erase it later”. Always promising you that no one will ever see it, knowing fully well that there is no reason in taping it if he cannot show it to anyone.
Taping your girlfriend is like a secret that men simply cannot hold to themselves, they have to share it with someone. So who do they share it with? Their best friends, that’s who! Who blasts his mouth to his best friend and so on and so on. The next thing you know, way before you realise that the secret is out female friends of yours know too. They may have not seen the tape, but there is a rumor that it exists and this is just as damaging.
Oh, and god forbid that you and he suffer a nasty split! You can bet your sweet ass that this so-called private video makes the rounds in your home town as well as the world-wide web. You become an instant porn star without the pay and the butt of jokes from friends and strangers. It’s funny how in society if its done in private, it’s making love, but if this same act is on tape, it’s considered porn.
However, this is just the beginning. How would you like to be at the grocery store with your mom or dad while clerks whisper to one another, “Is it really her?” Or some idiot walks up to you and inform you that he saw the video and thought you were great and should consider becoming a porn star.
Above all of these things is something that women everywhere who have become victims of this type of decision failed to calculate in allowing this filming to occur. It makes creating a solid future relationship nearly impossible!
It’s hard to establish a solid relationship when you have a hard time trusting men because the last one that stated he loved you allowed the world to look into your most intimate moments (worldwide). It’s even harder to locate a man who is not actually asking you out simply for bragging material.
To make matters worse, men have very fragile egos. If you get so lucky as to meet a man who has no knowledge of your video and he falls for you, do you tell him about it, or simply keep it a secret? Either way, it’s still a problem for you. If you tell him, you’ll change in his eyes immediately. You’ll change because he doesn’t have the intestinal fortitude (guts) to accept the fact that not only were you once with someone else, but there is a video that showed it to the world. He may tell you that he understands and he may really try to work through it with you.
In the end though, just like women, men are curious. He’ll ask a friend if he’s seen it? Now its out there, back to haunt you again. If he can resist ever actually seeing the tape, you stand a better chance of having a long-term rewarding relationship with him, one that could eventually lead to marriage. If he for whatever reason sees the tape, it’s just a short matter of time before the two of you are finished.
To give you an idea of what I am talking about let me tell you about a situation I uncovered first hand about this type of situation. A close friend of mine had found what he first described to me as a perfect woman. After the first three months in the relationship he (not her) was already talking about marriage. This was a surprise to all of us as he had always been a committed bachelor.
A few months later the relationship began to fizzle and all of us thought hell, it was simply him missing being a single guy. We laughed about him never wanting to settle down and that it simply wasn’t in the cards for him to ever get married. One night while out and about looking for somewhere to eat, I asked him why the change of heart.
Now, you have to understand, this was a very beautiful, successful, classy woman and to me she was definitely a catch for any man, even my friend. As we sat down, just the two of us, he relayed the following story to me.
He informed me that the boyfriend she had before him was somewhat of a loser and although they had been broken up almost a year before my friend had met her he still held some type of power over her. He said this fact really pissed him off because there was no way that he could be with someone who held another man above him for whatever reason.
He said he asked her about this situation several times whenever her sleazy ex called her asking for some form of assistance, which generally meant money. One day my friend said that he put his foot down and informed her that if they were to be together that she needed to cut ties with the ex. He said that she agreed and changed her phone number so that the guy couldn’t contact her anymore.
He went on to tell me that things began to go back to normal and he thought that finally they could move forward with their relationship. Then he went on to say that one-day she came back into the apartment that they shared crying. In her hand she had an envelope addressed to her from the ex boyfriend.
Through tears she explained to him that while they dated he had taped their tryst one night with the sworn promise that he would erase it later. This was the power that the ex held over her. My friend informed her that he now understood and that now since he too knew about the DVD, he would now put a stop to the blackmailing and end it so that they could move on with their lives.
He told me that night over dinner that he went to the ex’s house and waited for him to arrive home. Once the ex came home he approached him and informed him that under no circumstances was he ever to make contact with or even attempt to make contact with his fiancée. He went on to inform me that he threatened him with serious bodily harm if he failed to heed the warning.
He said that he and the ex entered the ex’s home (with a lot of protest) and deleted all images pertaining to his fiancée on the ex’s computer as well as destroyed two other DVD’s the ex had burned.
A few days later my friend said that he was home while his fiancée was at work. He said that he had started to vacuum and spotted the envelope that she had carried in that day from the mail box. Through tears he informed me that he didn’t know why, but he put that DVD in the computer and viewed it.
He wept as he told me that as much as he loved her and wanted her to be his wife, the images and sounds of her making love to someone else was simply too much to bear. He said to me that night, we all know that our significant other has been with men before us and we accept this fact without much thought. However, to see it for yourself is simply too much for any man.
Since we are friends I knew I could ask this question and get away with it, so I did. I asked him, “Why did you look at the tape instead of simply destroying it as you had the others?” His reply was that for whatever reason, he thought he could handle it. He went on to say that he also wanted to see if all they had went through was warranted. He said that he had hoped that maybe the tape was more like a soft porn, only to find out that it was anything but.
A few weeks after we had our conversation that night over dinner, he called me up and asked if we could have a beer after work. I met him at a local bar and he looked a shell of himself. He quickly informed me that they had broken up. He stated that they had talked it over and it was best for them both.
He said that he still loved her and would give it awhile to see if maybe they could make another go of it. However, he told me as he left that night, “She is free, he no longer has any power over her. So even if we don’t get back together, the next man she meets won’t have to worry about her past haunting them and neither will she.”
A month later she accepted a job transfer to Seattle and he hasn’t heard from her since. He’s back to looking great again and on the lookout for his future wife. Only this time he has a special question he informed me he asks them now; “Have you ever been taped making love?” He states that although it’s an odd question he feels the need to ask for both of their benefits.
So now, please think about this the next time someone who professes their love for you asks if they can bring a camera into an intimate situation. Especially one where they start off saying, “If you love me”. You should end the conversation by informing them that, “If they loved you, they wouldn’t even ask something as disrespectful as to film what should be a loving act.” Then get up, get dressed and move on to someone who is actually worthy of you as you deserve.
Quite a few of you have written to me in regards to your boyfriends (and a few husbands) frequenting the mens den, called Strip Clubs. This issue is a concern for most if not all women in a relationship and I can understand that. So today, I decided I would try to explain to you all, Why men visit these clubs.
I will try to quail some of your fears and attempt to help you identify the signs of this behavior becoming a real problem. Because, at this moment you possibly have no idea what really goes on inside these walls, and the not knowing part is probably what disturbs you the most.
I’ve been to Strip Clubs many times over my adult life and I have to admit that even when I was a “Dog”, the prospect of bedding a stripper was unappealing to me. Now don’t get me wrong, most of them are stunningly beautiful, however I personally have a problem with dating a woman whose job it is to lap dance for men in order to make a buck. I probably could overlook the dancing nude on stage part, but her allowing multiple men to touch her and she them, is what I couldn’t stomach. No real self-respecting man actually could I am sure.
Some men have no issue with this, and to those women who do work as strippers I say; he’s not a real man, period. He’s simply with you because you’re the gravy train and it allows him not to work at all, or to further his going nowhere music career.
Any real man, even if he met a stripper and decided that she was nice, would automatically inform her that to be with him that she would have to change her vocation. Real love is about more than money, I would rather be broke with a woman I love than to be wealthy with a woman whom utilizes her body to make cash for things we really don’t need.
Back to the Club: Most of these places are dimly lit, with the most well-lit area being the stage itself. When you enter they generally charge you at the door or at times they are free with the purchase of several overpriced beverages. Your man will take a seat at a table or he can cuddle up to the stage where he can get a closeup view of the action, if you want to call it that.
In most states, if the dancers are totally nude then the club is not allowed to sell alcohol. That’s not all states, just some. An example of this is that in Las Vegas, only topless clubs offer alcoholic beverages to their clients. If it’s totally nude, guest will only be drinking water, juice or sodas. Now, in Hawaii, all bets are off. They have no so-called topless bars, everything is totally nude with alcohol.
However, if you sit at the stage, the performers expect you to tip them while they dance. This is understandable because hell those are the best seats and she’s not dancing for free, she has bills to pay. Did you know that strippers have to pay a fee each and every night they go in to work? This means that she starts each and every shift already in the hole. Also, at the end of her shift she is expected to tip the waitress, D.J., bartender and in most cases even the club’s manager. Just thought you might want to know that tidbit of information.
If your man sits at a table or a booth, dancers that are between sets mingle through the club and approach customers to talk to. These talks are really a way of breaking the ice and most times leads to him buying her a drink. In most clubs whenever a drink is purchased for the dancer she is issued a token that she turns in at the end of her shift and receives a percentage of the cost of the drink.
The really good strippers are really intelligent and patient. They can hold a conversation on anything from auto mechanics to politics without missing a beat. Men will buy them many drinks and most times its nothing more than soda, because she needs to maintain her sobriety in order to make cash. Unknown to most people, men have been known to simply pay a dancer for her time sitting there chatting the night away.
Once she has him to the point where he is comfortable she inquires as to if he would like a dance. A lap dance is where she makes the big money and is important to her having a financially great night. In this dance it is her job to entice a customer by bringing him to erection, which means that he will be more eager to open his wallet for more dances.
Do you remember the quote that Robin Williams said about men?
“God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.”
This statement although funny is actually true in regards to strip clubs. If a dancer is good enough at what she does, that 3 minute, $20 dance can turn into hundreds if not thousands of your mans hard-earned money. It can make him come back for more, week after week searching for the same dancer, whom now calls him a regular.
To keep up the charade, after a few weeks she will exchange numbers with him just to keep him on the hook. However, she will only call him when she hasn’t made her goal for the night or whenever she needs something. You can also rest assured, he is not her only regular customer. The really good dancers, they have many regular customers at their whim. All of these men think that they are the only one.
***Warning Sign*** If your man frequents strip clubs, and he gets paid on Friday and is broke by Monday he is considered some dancers regular. So it would behoove you to check his phone and terminate this situation quickly!
Now these Lap Dances can take place in a couple of different places throughout the club. It can occur in a VIP setting, which is nothing more than a darker room sectioned off by walls complete with couches or at his table if he prefers. For the VIP areas, these dances cost somewhat more, generally dancers talk men into going with the promise of having more privacy alluding to the fact that he will have more freedom to do more. Wrong! Clubs have cameras everywhere and bouncers as well. You get caught doing more than basic touching and his ass is out of there in a hurry. So basically she simply just suckered him into spending more cash for nothing.
Do more sinister things happen in a strip club? Yes they do, but those things are not the norm. Occasionally a dancer will have too much to drink and allow a customer to go too far, which usually ends with him being put out of the club and her being terminated. Clubs make too much money to allow some simple-minded dancer to cost them their license.
For men going to a strip club is a game of cat and mouse. They all know that these women are after their wallets (or rather its contents), and some men of course are after something else. So the women and men both tease one another trying to get more than what either are willing to give. This ritual heightens the excitement. He wants a number at the least, she wants him to get more dances. They both attempt to manipulate the other to see who wins.
Men who understand this game enjoy it for what it really is, entertainment and childish play. Both sides lie, she said her name is Heather, and he tells her he’s an attorney. In the end it doesn’t matter because when its said and done, she’ll go home to her man (or woman) and your man will come home to you.
Is it cheating? That depends on how you want to look at it. Just like women like the attention of men, men at times like the attention of beautiful women. In a strip club he gets exactly that. For those couple of hours he can be anyone he wants because it really doesn’t matter to the girls, because they only want cash.
So he gets an erection, is that so bad especially since you and he both know he’ll be sharing it with you when he gets home. Be honest, all of us fantasize while making love from time to time. Your partner becomes someone else in your mind for that fleeting moment. If you become the stripper that he spent an hour with earlier and it increases your pleasure, is that really so bad? (As long as in the middle of it he doesn’t call you Rain or some other made up stripper name.)
Truth be told, most strippers could care less about the men that visit the clubs. During their time working they get to see men at their absolute worst! They get to see grown men acting like the kids they really are, cursing, attempting to fondle them, calling them names and worse. Where else could you go and see a Bank President throwing money in women’s faces like its rocks. Where else could you see a professional athlete making it rain with hundred-dollar bills?
The only place you can see this type of behavior is in your neighborhood strip club. You can see it there because it’s private and inside men can act anyway they want within reason. A stripper walks by, he can pat her on the ass as long as he doesn’t actually grope her and she’ll smile. Another one walks by and regardless of how beautiful she is or how unattractive he may be, he can approach her and get her to sit and chat with him without fear of rejection (for a fee of course).
Inside these clubs men can do the things that are no longer permitted in our everyday lives because of the radical societal changes over the years. They may have to now pay for these privileges today, but there was a time when you could tap a waitress in a restaurant on the fanny if you chose and as long as you left a fat tip it was permissable. Men used to do the same to their secretaries as well. Try this tactic today and you’ll end up with a sexual assault charge on your record.
Most men, and I am not saying all, actually only go to strip clubs to unwind and relax. They’re in an enviroment without the stresses of everyday life, a place where you can have a drink, look at half or fully nude women and converse with them or even other men. Real men do not want a stripper as a girlfriend, they simply do not. Now, some men want to have one for a short period of time as a trophy (something to brag to friends about), but not to fall in love with or marry. It happens though, but generally ends in disaster.
What women fail to understand is this; in reality a strip club is a much safer place for your man to visit than a regular night club. That caught you by surprise didn’t it? However, lets examine that statement a little closer. In a strip club your man is being monitored by bouncers, management and that eye in the sky camera system to ensure he doesn’t do anything that can cost them their license. The girls there for the most part are really less interested in taking your man home then actually sending him home to you with an erection and an empty wallet.
Now, a regular night club is a tad bit different. Women and men go there mostly for the sole purpose of picking someone up. There is no person or entity to modify their behavior, now they won’t let them make love on the dance floor or the coat closet, however they will allow them privacy to talk, touch, kiss etc. They can exchange phone numbers and they may even leave together-his car or hers. At a strip club this is simply not going to happen.
He may save a few dollars by going to a night club, however if he gets an erection while slow dancing with a girl he just met, he may or may not be utilizing it with you later.
So that’s my spill on strip clubs, they’re really not as bad as most women think. In retrospect, its men making bad decisions that make them seem worse than they really are, for the clubs and their women at home who love them.
I get really good letters from women from around the world and I do my best to answer them all. Sometimes I receive one and it inspires me to write a post on it. Last week I was written to by a 19-year-old girl from Russia whom asked me this question. “Are there certain types of men women should not date?”
That was a very good question and after thinking about it for the last few days I decided to create a list for her. However, since I figured it could benefit my other readers as well I decided to post it here. While coming up with this list I decided to create it by taking into account all of the sorry ass men I have known in my life (to include the former me) and all of their characteristics.
I added to what I know by including information I have received about some so-called men from readers just like you, whom have unfortunately fallen prey to some of the dredges of society worldwide. Hopefully this information will assist some of you in the future and keep you from becoming victims of men who could really care less about you, but are good at faking their true feelings.
If any of the men I describe in this post reminds you of a former or even current boyfriend, please let us know by posting a comment. With that said, lets move on to this post:
9 Types of men you should never date:
#1- The Selfish Man: Selfish men can be described in a variety of ways. However, regardless of how you chose to describe them it all comes back to the same meaning, it’s all about them. Every single aspect of your relationship will be dictated by his quest to fulfill his own needs. From sex to support you will always be second when it comes to his needs being taken care of. You’ll quickly discover that with this type of man you are simply there to please him and to hell with you. Some women liken relationships with these types of men as fulfilling as playing second fiddle to a mistress.
Selfish men are the types of guys whom while you work hard to put food on the table he spends the day playing video games with his friends. To top that off, when you get home he expects you to cook for him and his friends. He’s the guy who when he takes you to dinner, you pay.
A selfish man is the guy who refuses to come and see you on his day off, but always has time to go hang out with his boys. He’s also the guy who lives by the mantra that he can do as he please in the relationship, however he criticizes you for what you do.
The selfish man is the guy who will not open your car door, help you carry groceries, never assist you with chores, he spends his money on what he likes but makes you explain what you purchased with yours. The list goes on and on, so I know you get my point.
#2- The Possessive Man: Where have you been? Why are you late coming home? You cannot wear that in public. Why do you need to go see your family? Welcome to some of your dating experience with a possessive man. Sadly though, these are just some of the negative things you’ll endure dealing with men of this type. They have also been known to be extremely jealous, aggressive and tend to have violent outbreaks. These outbreaks eventually will be aimed at you, especially if he fears that he may lose you. Women like to be loved, however when that love takes on a whole different meaning then there is a serious problem. What starts out as a mistaken case of jealousy could land you in a relationship where you are someones possession, just like a car, clothes, computers and more. Possessions that can be destroyed in a fit of anger.
Hey remember OJ? Drew Peterson? Or any of the other idiots whom went out and killed their wives, these are all possessive men. In the beginning his hints of jealousy is cute, in the end unfortunately it could be dangerous as well. Think about that the next time a boyfriend demands to know where you are or gets animated when you arrive home simply because you arrived later than he thought you should have. You also might want to pay particular attention when he attempts to separate you from your family and friends. If this happens, you may want to take this opportunity to get out of the relationship while you still can, and make sure that you let family members and friends know why you got out of this situation. Also, when some friend or family member tries to explain his behavior away by reminding you that he was just worried about your safety and that he loves you, tell them to date him and leave you the hell alone!
#3- The Dreamer: This list includes men whom capture you with their aspirations to be “Rock Stars”,” Actors”, “Rappers” or some other type of star that will make them tons of money and unfortunately leave you out in the cold. These men will do whatever it takes to get what they want out of life with the exception of holding down a steady job to assist you with keeping a roof over your heads or putting food on the table.
I wish I had a nickle for every woman I’ve ever met that wound up on a stripper pole because a dreamer assured her that the large sums of cash she’d make would help him get to the top so much sooner. Five years later and while she’s sliding around on strange mens laps to make a buck, he’s at home still no closer to becoming a star than when they first met. He on the other hand probably now has a drug addiction (because somehow he thought drugs would do for him what you couldn’t, inspire him) and he is probably spending more money than you could ever bring in, even if that club was open 24 hours a day.
Now, don’t get me wrong, occasionally one of these low life’s make it to the big time. However, guess who won’t be going with him? That’s right, you! Yep, as soon as he gets a taste of the good life he doesn’t need you anymore or any of the children you allowed him to (father, nope not a good word, lets say have) with you.
Oh and the main reason he’ll leave you behind? Because he’s just like the man I described above, he’s selfish!
#4- The Jail Bird: Who in their right mind would have anything to do with a man who simply cannot keep his life straight? This nonsense happens all the time and it’s simply without a doubt, STUPID! Life is hard enough without taking on the extra baggage of a man who is in trouble with law enforcement. There is nothing more devastating than having the local PD kick your door in at five o’clock in the morning and haul his sorry ass to jail while you stand there in your bath robe holding a crying 3-year-old.
These types of men are simply selfish, they only think about themselves and what the world can do for them. I can understand a single brush with the law, however multiple brushes are unacceptable. With a man like this you will never, ever, have a normal relationship, period! How can you when he’s in and out of jail.
It sickens me when men walk around trying to be hard. Whatever, hard is getting your sorry ass out of bed every morning to go to a real job. Hard is doing whatever it takes to keep your parents name clean. Hard is taking care of the woman you say you love by being there for her every single day, not just when you’re out on parole.
Sometimes I think that these men are actually closet homosexuals. Think about it, what man in his right mind wants to be surrounded by nothing but men for months on end with no females in sight. Then to get out of jail and a few months later they’re right back in, please!
#5- The Party Animal: It’s ok to go out and have fun every now and then, but if you get the wrong man, he may want to make everyday a party. That shit may be cute in College, but in the real world it’s B.S. I know guys whom have graduated College and landed great jobs, only to be fired for something as simple as a piss test.
Going out with his boys every night is childish. When a man has a beautiful woman whom wants nothing more to spend quality time with him, why in the world would he want to be out with a bunch of hard legs (men)? Moderation is the key and if he doesn’t understand that then he has no self-control and furthermore he lacks what you really need as his woman. Do you know what that is? It’s the ability to commit. If he was really intent on committing to you and only you, then he really has no reason to spend all of his time being the life of the party.
Guys like this crack me up because generally they come home unannounced, only to find that his girl had tired of his parting and gallivanting around as if he wasn’t in a relationship. In his absence she replaced him with someone a little more stable and then the party animal realises that the party is over and he’s heartbroken as if it’s her fault. Go figure. My brother once told me that women have needs, wants and desires, and if you’re not there to fulfill them, someone else surely will. I believe that to this day.
#6- The Player: Ah, the player, the guy who spends all his money on matching sweat suits and high-priced sneakers. He drives around in a BMW with a payment higher than most peoples mortgage, while he lives at home with his mom or other family member.
He’s the guy with the reputation and most women will ignore the warnings figuring that they will be different from every woman who has fallen before them. Wrong! The car looks fly and the gear he is wearing is off the chart, but underneath all of that glitz he’s still a loser.
Let me break it down for you in a manner in which anyone can understand, ok? Any man who spends 40 thousand dollars or above for a car and rents his home is a fool. Why, you may ask? Well, lets look at it this way, a vehicle is not an investment. The day you drive it off the lot, it depreciated 15%. So using 40 thousand as a marker, after signing the paper, handing over your cash and getting the keys to your brand new car, once you stick that key into the ignition it is now worth 34 thousand dollars if you tried to trade it in. Also since he’s driving this expensive car and renting his place to stay (providing he’s not staying with mom) he’s receiving no tax credits for paying someone elses mortgage. That’s what I call insane, and you and I see it every single day! Looks cool on the surface as these guys slowly drive by trying to get your attention, but underneath its pure lunacy.
Now, if he was an intelligent man this is what he would do. He would purchase his home first and even in this economy it’s easier most times to get a home loan than a car loan. This way he now is a home owner and he has a substantial investment. It doesn’t even have to be a single family dwelling, it can be an apartment. Either way he will receive a tax credit each and every year. Once he has his home secured then he purchases the vehicle, and since he’s a home owner it doesn’t have to be an expensive one at that. Why? Because which would you rather have a man with a Mercedes who lives with his mom or roommates? Or the man who drives a Honda and owns his own place? Make sense?
The man who subscribes to purchasing items for the future may look boring on the surface, but he understands that planning for his future wife and offspring are paramount to a happy and successful family. Doing it the other way around, not planning and living in the moment of simply looking good is a disaster for you as a woman to attempt to unravel later. Do you want to waste that much of your time?
#7- The Mammas Boy: It’s ok to love your mom, don’t get me wrong but when you allow your mother to dictate to you who you should date it’s a serious problem. Now my mother knew that she could have input into my dating selection, however that’s all it was, input. The final decision came down to me. Her feelings on this was simply, as long as I was happy, so was she regardless of whom I selected.
I’ve known people whom have been exiled out of families because of the woman they chose to date. It sounds crazy but it happens. However, when these issues happen I blame the man because as a man he hasn’t shown his mother that he is capable of making a sound decision on his own. He’s failed to show her that he is an adult and that this is his life and the woman he chose should be accepted because he and only he has the right to decide who is good enough for him.
I know moms mean well, however she needs to understand that if she is not happy with his selection then she too is at fault because he is simply working off of the values she instilled in him.
As a man, if he cannot take you home to meet his mom because of your color, nationality, religious beliefs or any other reason then he is not a man, he’s simply pretending to be. As a woman, why would you share your bed with a man who doesn’t have the intestinal fortitude (guts) to inform his mom and family that you are the one that makes him happy and you are the one that he will be keeping. Further telling them that they need to accept this fact and treat you as his girlfriend/wife in the manner in which he demands you be treated.
If he cannot do that for the love of you, then you need to kick his sorry ass to the curb because he is exactly the type of man you want to avoid, a mammas boy, pretending to be a man. She raised him, she needs to accept his decisions on who his mate is.
#8- The Seed Spreader: I call these guys this because they have children everywhere. I know a young woman and one day while working together a few years ago she introduced me to her then boyfriend. He was a pretty nice guy and she was really in love with him. A few months later she was pregnant and while pregnant she became really moody one day and began to vent her frustrations to me. It came out that he couldn’t keep a job and it was driving her crazy, especially since they had a child coming. I inquired as to what the problem was and she confided in me that he had five other children by three different women and whenever he got settled into a job the State would find out and garnish his wages leaving him with basically no pay. So to combat this he would simply quit and move on to another job, so he could receive some money before the State discovered and took it all for back child support.
I had to ask if she knew about this before deciding to have a child with him? She informed me that since they had only recently moved in together she had just discovered this issue and it was driving her insane.
Why any man would father children with multiple women is a mystery to me. However, the bigger mystery is why women would even consider a man whom are in this situation? There is no future to be had with any man whom has allowed himself to fit this label. In today’s society whenever you are offered a job in most states they have you sign a document informing them if you are responsible for paying child support or not. If you lie on the form, once the Department of Human Services catch up with you (they monitor your social security number) and it is determined that you are supposed to pay child support then the company can terminate you for lying on your initial application. So unless he has mad skills and makes a shit load of money, chances are he’ll never have enough to take care of you and any children you may have.
This type of reckless behavior causes havoc in all the participants lives, especially the women and children he left behind. These types of people is exactly why I cannot stand to watch “Maury”, because in reality Maury Povich is reckless too. What his ass should be doing is not only conducting paternity tests but he should be making his guest undergo AIDs testing as well. Com’ on could you really date a guy who may be one of eight to have fathered some girls baby? Damn, just thinking about that makes me want to run and take a shower.
#9- The Victim: Ever had a boyfriend who thought the world was out to get him? His ass was always complaining about why he couldn’t get ahead and it was always someone elses fault. He didn’t get a raise because he was a white male, or a black man. Never once will he tell you the truth and tell you that he didn’t get the job because he’s lazy as hell and will not do what it takes to get ahead.
He gets pulled over by a cop and although the windows of his car are tinted, he complains that because of his race or ethnicity he was profiled. Even though you both know that the cop had no idea who was driving because he couldn’t see in the damn car.
This type of guy is always the victim and it’s always someone elses fault. He always complain that because he refuses to kiss ass at work they won’t promote him, or the guy that got promoted plays golf with the boss. He’ll attempt something like start his own business and if it doesn’t succeed he’ll blame God before he’ll assume responsibility of its failure.
To him success or failure is based on luck. “Oh he’s just lucky is what he’ll say whenever something good happens to a friend or relative. He’ll go through his whole life (and yours too if you let him) making excuses for his own failures without ever accepting responsibility.
So the next time he calls someone who he should compliment, lucky. You tell him this, “The formula for luck, is when preparation meets opportunity.”
I hope that this list will assist some of you and help you avoid some real sorry men within our society. Love is blind, I know, however in the beginning, just for a minute before you lose your sight, you may see some of the characteristics in him that you read here today. If you do, I hope you have the presence of mind to take a step back and view him in a different light, because the next step that you take could be one that harms you or saves you from heartbreak or worse. I hope you make the wise decision. Good luck all.
“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship”
There are many ways that men and women differ from one another. However, one way that we definately differ is in the way that we perceive things. Men have a way of determining how they feel about things based on being able to touch it, squeeze it and feel it. Women on the other hand base their feelings about things on how it makes them feel inside. Women are keenly aware of spoken words and the meanings behind them, or what they hope are the meanings behind them.
Several times in this blog I have stated that it is important to ensure that actions match the words of any man you are in a relationship with. I’ve said this because words can cause your perception of your actual relationship to be better or worse than what it really is. However, by measuring his words by his actions it will allow you to get a better reading on where the relationship really stands.
How many of you are in relationships with men whom verbally worship you, but aren’t consistant in their actions? It’s easy to tell a woman that you love her, but if you really don’t it’s difficult to maintain treating her like a queen. However by consitantly telling you that he loves you, you may overlook the obvious and hang on to his words for an extended period of time. Why? Because verbally he has informed you that you are the one, and your perception is altered to fit that image.
In order to make this perception even more real for you he occassionally does things that reinforce what he has told you verbally. During these times it is really difficult to determine if his love is real or not. Why? Because this show of love may have been preceeded or followed by an event that displayed disrespect, dishonor, abuse, infidelity or worse.
Real love is above everything else, consistant. Yes, there will be times when questions will arise where you are not sure that he indeed loves you. However, those times will be seldom and simply by reviewing your relationship past you will see the consistancy and most times it will pass.
Now if you are in a relationship where you often question his real feelings for you, then you may want to review your relationship in a different manner. People are creatures of habit. You may look back on your relationship and if you do it objectively you may see a pattern. If the pattern is there it may show you a disturbing look at how your perception kept you in a relationship that was simply not real, at least not for him.
Looking back you may observe that he only reinforced his love for you after events that could have cause the relationship to end. Looking back you may see a pattern of arguments and then him professing his love for you. You may see that after the event he bagan paying more attention to you. He may at this time increased the amount of calls to you, began to be more available to you and began doing things that he hadn’t done since the beginning of your relationship.
Looking back you may see that this situation has been replayed over and over again throughout your time together. If it has, then you are the victim of your own perception of your relationship. A perception that he has assisted you in creating and maintaining over the life of your time together.
Have you ever had a girlfriend whom was in a relationship with a guy you simply felt was not good to her or for her? Of course you have, we all have. However, whenever you talked to her about her situation she assured you that he wasn’t as bad as you and her other friends thought, he was simply misunderstood. She assured you that the relationship was fine and that he really loved her.
This is her perception, this is what she feels and nothing you could say will make her see it any other way. Regardless of how many times you tell her there are better men out there for her or how she is too pretty to waste her time on a loser like him, she simply will not see him any other way.
You on the other hand are viewing the relationship from a different angle. Since you are not emotionally attatched as she is, you posess the ability to see him for what and who he actually is. All you can do is to be there for you friend and help pick up the pieces when her fake relationship eventually falls apart.
We all want to love and be loved, we have a desire to be wanted and sometimes this desire is what causes us so much pain in life. Not everyone understands that when you tell someone that you love them that you really should, or not say it at all. Some people tell you these words because they know that its what you want to hear.
There is something magical about the sound of someone you have feelings for telling you that they “Love You.” We crave that need to be loved, to be held and to be wanted. Those three words conjour up the perception of fairy tales, and three other words we learned as kids, “Happily Ever After.” Unfortunately, just like in those fairy tales that we read as kids, in life there are evil people who will fool you into getting what they want.
So be careful with your heart and with all relationships make sure that you measure his actions against his words at all times. If the time comes where there is a big difference in the two make a serious check of your perception. Its bad enough that he may be fooling you, its even worse when you are fooling yourself.
“The most beautiful makeup of a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy.” — Yves Saint-Laurent
A couple of months ago I met a young woman whom works for a vendor at the place I work and after passing her on a daily basis I decided to stop and talk to her. We began a conversation and I discovered that she is actually from Bulgaria and besides working she is a student here in the states.
The first thing that I noticed upon approaching her was how stunningly beautiful she is in a wholesome kind of way. She reminds me of the type of women that can roll out of bed, run her fingers through her hair and look as well or better than she did before she fell asleep the night before.
The second thing I noticed was that although she is stunning she possesses the ability to place people at ease while talking to them. After several conversations with her on everything from school to her perception of life in the States, I realised that she had no idea (or chose to ignore) just how beautiful she actually is. As a man I found this to be refreshing and unique.
A few weeks later I was walking past the location that she works and since she wasn’t busy I stopped by to chat, which had become a weekly ritual. As we were talking I looked closely at her and I noticed a difference. I wasn’t sure what it was initially but I could sense something different in her appearance, slight as it may be.
I inquired about the change and she laughed, I asked if she had a change in her make-up and she continued to laugh and informed me that she hadn’t. So I asked what had she actually done because although she was still beautiful I could tell something had changed. After a few moments of silence she informed me that she had a small surgical procedure done on her upper lip.
Since we had become quite friendly over the time I had known her I felt at ease to ask why. She stated that she simply wanted her lips to be fuller and therefore she had the procedure done. She further went on to inform me that I had been the only person to notice that she had affected a change.
To make a long conversation short we began talking about appearance changes in women and in the process I learned a lot about her in that she felt the need (or want) to have several more cosmetic enhancements in the near future. I was simply blown away. In my mind and eyes, she is one of the most beautiful women I have ever had the pleasure to meet, however in her mind there is definitely room for improvement.
This conversation started me to thinking, if this young woman with looks that would make any professional model envious feel the need to enhance her looks, what do other women think about their looks and why?
Over the years I have met many women whom have stated that they’d like to have brest augmentation, and I have really never understood it. Maybe its just me but I feel that all women are beautiful, some more beautiful than others but beautiful none the less. I know you have your reasons and it’s really not my place to question why. However, I would like to say one thing if you don’t mind, “God made you perfect, what makes you think that you can do it better?” Just a thought.
When I hear women state that they would like to affect changes I somehow feel that the change they really need is in the amount of confidence they have. All these changes may make you feel more beautiful, but if you still lack confidence in yourself then whats the difference? “Confidence is the sexiest thing any woman can have. It’s much sexier than any body part.”~ Aimee Mullens
I am not sure why women feel this need to make all of these changes, but I think I have an idea and I thought I would share it with you. I could be wrong, but then again it wouldn’t be the first time. I think that the real reason that beautiful women feel that they’re not beautiful enough is because that’s the message that society is sending you.
After my talk with the beautiful young woman at work, I was laying on the couch (a hobby when I am idle) watching that idiot box (TV) in my living room. A commercial came on and it showed a stunningly beautiful young woman and they showed her from several different angles while the VO (Voice over) raved on about how this new product would make you look years younger. I immediately sat up and I watched this commercial and took notice. Then I made a few phone calls to old friends in advertising in L.A. and New York and asked a few questions. For the next few weeks I paid close attention to every beauty product or weight loss product that came across that idiot box in my living room.
In the end I was dismayed, frustrated and pretty pissed at the messages being beamed into our homes daily aimed at women. They’re not fair and they have an agenda, to separate you from your money which I am sure you already know, but also to make you feel inadequate, self conscious and not the beautiful woman you should know that you are.
The problem is that these tactics work, to the tune of several billion dollars a year. However, the tactics are dishonest and mean-spirited. In some of these commercials (and magazines as well) show you images of young women in their early teens (14, 15 or so) and utilizing make-up give them the appearance that they are in the mid to late 20’s. Women worldwide see these images and think that the product that they are selling could work wonders for them too. How many of you have brought these products simply because you saw it advertised on TV?
During the weeks that I paid close attention to these commercials I was overwhelmed with commercials telling women that they are too fat, too short, too tall, too old, out of shape and more. Your hair doesn’t look good enough, it’s not shiny enough (like this hair models made up by a professional hairdresser). They tell women that you have stretch marks, hair under your arms, hair under your noise then they say your butt is too small and the next commercial tells you that it’s too big. It’s enough to drive a man crazy! So I can only imagine what it does to women around the globe.
Everyone wants to look like a movie star. Would you agree with that statement? Everytime you see Sandra Bullock, Julia Roberts or my favorite, Selma Hayek on tv or in a movie they look stunningly beautiful. Well, let me tell you a little secret. I worked executive protection in Hollywood for a couple of years and in person, the young woman I talked about at the beginning of this post puts them all to shame in the looks department. That is an honest and true statement, I promise.
While I worked in L.A., my wife was a cosmetic counter manager at the Century City Mall (between Santa Monica and Beverly Hills for those of you whom don’t know). When I wasn’t working I would sometimes take her to work and later pick her up so we could spend even more time together. I made a habit of arriving to pick her up at least 45 minutes early so I could set on a bench outside her store and star watch.
I’d sat there and gasp, as starlet after starlet would walk by and believe me when I tell you that they look nothing in person like what you see on the silver screen. They look, well, ordinary! Plain. Sometimes they were almost unremarkable, they looked nothing like you’d think they would, trust me when I tell you this. many times I would sit on that bench and when my wife finished work she would ask me if I saw a certain so-called star just walk past me and I’d draw a blank because they simply do not stand out.
Make-up and camera angles make all the difference in Tinsel Town. Years ago, I was working in retail investigations in Honolulu. I was on the first floor in the mens department when I heard a mans voice ask me if I knew where the “Jams” shorts were located. I turned around and looked down at this middle-aged man and pointed to a corner of the store. He thanked me and walked in that direction. A few minutes later a sales associate ran by me to inform the other associates that Arnold Schwarzenegger was in the “Jams” area. Thats Hollywood, in real life settings unless they have someone announcing their presence they go unnoticed.
However, when you see them they are on the cover of magazines or in movies and they look flawless, in real life that’s far from the truth, believe me. There are exceptions though, Rachael Ray, she’s gorgeous in person and she has a winning attitude to go with it. I met her not long ago and as I always said, natural beauty and a good personality is a perfect combination.
By now you’re wondering , “what does all of this have to do with my relationship?” Well I’ll tell you, if you are not happy with yourself then what chance do you have making your man happy? Now most of you will say, its not my job to make him happy, only he can make himself happy. Good point, so take your own advice and be happy with yourself, so he doesn’t have to worry about it and you either. See you later……
I wrote this post months ago for a fellow blogger and received quite a bit of criticism from several persons whom feel that they are more qualified in this arena. They feel that you should never be given a time-table for when you should jump into bed with someone, that you should perform this function (sex) when the time feels right.
I feel that this approach sounds great if you’re a man. It can also be ok if you’re a woman and you’re not seriously seeking a lifetime partner. However as we all know, women unfortunately are held to a higher standard in this man-made society that we live in. Men can jump into bed with anyone (when it feels right) and at most he’s considered a stud to his friends and colleagues. Anyone want to guess what a woman whom does the same thing is considered by society. Thats right!
One guy even stated that the time frame I gave was too long only to discover that the sex is bad when it finally happens, and you’ll have wasted time. To this I say if the real goal is lasting love and during the process this is what you achieve you still win. Why? Because of the love that you and your mate created you are now able to communicate without worry of hurting one another’s feelings the adjustments necessary to make the love-making session more fulfilling for you both. Try this with someone that you slept with simply because it felt right. It can be pretty awkward to say the least.
With that said please let me state for the record that this is their opinion and I respect it although I simply don’t agree. As for you my readers, everything that I write is simply a suggestion to you based on my life’s experience of being a man. Wether you chose to implement the information that I pass on to you is totally up to you.
Now, as for what you are about to read I would like to ask that after you’re done reading this post that you reflect on your past failed relationships and any relationships where you may have slept with someone because the timing felt right. Then honestly answer this question: How’d that work out for you?
This is a question that most women ask. Is there such a thing as “safe? Not really, it becomes safe when you determine what his true intentions are. Too many women use sex as a way to label their relationship. They feel that if they sleep with a man then from this point on they are considered a couple. Why? Because he slept with you and that’s what couples do, right? Wrong!
The real question should be, “Where do we stand?” Are we a couple? Just dating? What? These questions should be explored and answered to your satisfaction before you ever consider sleeping with someone.
Not only should you get the proper answer but his actions should reflect what his mouth is saying. Just in case you didn’t know, we men lie all the time to get sex. Regardless of how much it may hurt someone, we still will say and do whatever it takes to please ourselves. Hopefully you caught that, “Please ourselves”, because until we hit the ripe old age of thirty, your pleasure is an afterthought.
Now with that revelation out in the open let’s try to determine “When is it safe to have sex with a guy you are dating?”
The key to this is what are your goals? If you’re seeking a long time relationship then as a man I feel the proper time frame is after six months. When I first stated this fact I received hundreds of letters from women worldwide telling me I was crazy. They stated no man would wait that long and most of the women also said that they couldn’t either. My answer to them was this, if he cannot wait that long to get to know you intimately, then all he wanted was a piece of a— anyway so why would you even want him around?
If you’re looking for a long-term relationship, it starts with really getting to know someone. This means communicating, talking about things, discovering one another. Holding hands, late night talks, walks in the park, movies and dinners. Finding out what each persons plans are and determining if you really match one another. Is he the one?
If you remove sex from this equation it is easy to determine if he is a suitable mate. Trust me when I tell you that if he’s only after one thing (sex) and you’re not sure, he’ll be gone in the first thirty days or so. Saving you a lifetime of regret and frustration, for having given someone who didn’t earn the right to make love to you. Let me rephrase that statement, forget the make love part, the right to f— you. Because to him, if he didn’t earn it that’s exactly what he did. This is exactly what he’ll tell his friends.
If he’s around past thirty days he stands a good chance of being the one. At forty-five days his stock rises and so does yours in his eyes. What women fail to understand about this ritual is this, the signs that you send him by making him wait is that you’re a good woman, wife material and that you haven’t been jumping in and out of bed with everyone whom took you to McDonald’s.
This knowledge is powerful to men. Men want a woman whom they know haven’t been the victim of predators who only wanted to taste the sweet nectar and then fly away to the next flower, leaving you wilted and jilted. They love and I mean this literally a woman whom they can really get to know for who they actually are. They respect that and it speaks volumes when it comes to telling their boys that you are different.
At ninety days he’s about ready to meet your parents because even though he won’t tell you he really wants to tell them how much he appreciates you and the job they did raising you. During this time, he’ll probably send flowers because he knows that you’re not sleeping with someone else and he’s just happy you allow him the opportunity to be in your presence. However, he’s still going to test you to make sure this isn’t some type of trick. He’s going to do whatever he can to try to get you alone and set the tone for a sexual tryst. Most times we offer to take you on a trip (overnight of course) to another city. We simply do this to allow us the chance to sleep in the same room and hopefully the same bed with you. Remember; resist this and all other offers of this type. Later, he’ll thank you and you’ll be thankful too.
At 150 days, he’ll be at a point where he knows you and you he and you’ll actually become a couple. However, even before this you should have already let him know that you’ll have it no other way and although you enjoy his company he needs to decide where the relationship is heading. Let’s place a note here: Women always control the relationship, men are only along for the ride. You control the sex, you control us, let me say that once again. You control the sex, you control us! It’s that simple and as long as you plan it out in advance you’ll never go wrong.
At 180 days, he’s forgotten about the sex, but he knows one thing and by then you should too. He loves you! Not because of rolling around in bed, but because in six months he’s been there for you and you he and you can now finish one another’s sentences. You know what he likes and dislikes and vise versa, you’re at ease with one another there is no loss on either side.
He knows that he has a woman who is not sleeping around and he’s secure with that knowledge. You’ll find that jealousy in your relationship will not be an issue because he’ll always remember that it took him six long months to make love to you, so the next guy will have to work twice as hard. He’ll trust you more than any man you’ve ever had, and you’ll both be happier for the wait.
Sex is great, but if it is utilized in the wrong ways it becomes something with no meaning and tons of implications. I know and I’ve known for a long time that women have needs, wants and desires just like men. They suppress these urges in order to avoid being labeled negatively. If you are not careful and move too quickly or be enticed into moving too quickly you could possibly destroy any chance you have of landing the right man for you. In case you didn’t know, men talk. Not only do they talk, they talk a whole lot. Why? They talk to be considered the big man on campus, in the office or neighborhood and unfortunately it’s your virtue that’s at stake. Your reputation could be ruined, and his boasting could cost you the love of your life.
Oh, and all the guys that couldn’t last six months? They were not worthy of you and therefore feel that you are not worthy of them waiting to bed you. In the end, you win because they moved on with nothing to show for their time except maybe a lie or two and that’s easily overcame by just being honest and moving on. However, later much later when he sees you with a real man, one willing to wait he’ll secretly be pissed because he knows you were really worth it all along.
Before I end this I’d like for you to be honest with yourself for a moment and answer this question. How good could you actually expect your relationship to be if you gave someone the most intimate part of you without him actually earning it? Look back on every bad relationship you’ve had and honestly assess it. If you had sex with your partner quickly, in the first month, first weeks or Heaven forbid the first few days it probably failed. Why? Because the foundation of the relationship was built on sex, you didn’t really know one another because sex became the center of everything.
How many of us have friends that say that the only time they are not arguing with their significant other is during sex? This is because that’s all the relationship is about. Real relationships are built on understanding one another, getting to know one another, becoming a team and forming a partnership. Sex is just the cherry on top, it’s the dessert. How many restaurants have you been to that serve the dessert first?
Now, for you ladies that feel you cannot go six months without sex, you have issues. Just kidding! Look, they make a variety of toys just for you. Pleasing yourself, it’s healthy, liberating and natural and six months is a small price to pay to have the man of your dreams for a lifetime.
I wish you ladies luck and I’m pulling for each and every one of you. He’s out there and he’s waiting even when he doesn’t know it. As men we’re not as smart as we think when it comes to matters of the heart, but one thing we know for sure is that when we chose a wife we want it to be one we earned and not one that we received too easily.
Happy New Year! I hope all of you enjoyed a very Happy New year and that you have stuck to the resolutions that you made during this period. I simply hope that your resolution for the New Year wasn’t to give up on men because by condemning all men due to the actions of one is foolish.
As I have said before and I will state it again, “There are good men out there for each and every one of you.” The problem most times is that women tend to settle and at times you settle for the wrong guy.
With that said, I figured today I would give you a list that will make the wrong men a little less harder to identify. Hopefully this list will be beneficial to you and your friends and assist you ladies in narrowing down the search for true love, unconditional love.
So ladies, grab a cup of coffee or your favorite drink and lets look at the 10 Things that Screams, He’s a Dog!” Hopefully you’ll find it entertaining, insightful and educational.
10 Situations that Scream, “He’s a Dog!”
He asks for your phone number and you just met:
If this happens to you or has happened to you the results were probably less than positive. You’re so excited that this cute guy whom you have just only met is interested in you, wow! However, during this excitement you failed to think about several important elements.
OK, you know you’re beautiful (or you should anyway) and if this guy is so cute or handsome, why doesn’t he have a girlfriend? Or does he? Now that you have time to think and breath, think about this. If he asks for your number, the chances that he already is involved with someone raises significantly. By obtaining your number, he can control when he talks to you without running the risk of being found out by his significant other.
Another thing that most women fail to recognize immediately is that he possibly didn’t ask if you were in a relationship. If you are and he still requested the number, he has little respect for you, your mate and the sacred right of being in a monogamous relationship.
However, if you are in a relationship and you even entertained the idea of giving him your number then you too have little respect for the above.
During this exciting faze you also probably overlooked the ease that it took for him to ask you, a woman that he doesn’t know for your number. What you should have thought automatically was that, he’s done this before and has had a lot of practice. Which means that you’re not as special to him as you think, in reality you’re simply available at this time.
Think about these things the next time someone you don’t know or barely know asks for your number, there are many things you should think about beside the fact that he’s cute or not.
If you are unattached and actually a little interested, try this to balance things out. Instead of giving him your number, ask if it is possible that you can have his number instead. This serves two purposes, one being that if you’re interested you don’t have to sit around waiting to see if he will call. Also, meeting men is like buying a dress. It looked good in the store, however when you get home you may not like it as much. So by getting his number you don’t have to worry about avoiding his calls if you change your mind later.
Above all this, by asking him for his number you get the opportunity to watch his body language and actions. If he has a significant other he’ll probably give you some lame excuse about how he lost his cell phone so you should call his mothers house or his home phone. All the while he’ll begin to fidget as he tries to weasel his way through a load of B.S.
Regardless, if you take the number and call him and another woman answers the phone, don’t hang up. If she asks who you are, tell her the truth, that being that he asked you to call him. If she says that she is his wife or girlfriend, explain to her that you meant no harm and had he informed you that he was attached you would not have accepted the number. End the conversation by apologizing for the call and inform her that you will not be calling again. Be polite and place yourself in her shoes, how would you feel. If she asks questions, answer them as best you can and overlook her rudeness because it will change from anger to thankfulness in a matter of minutes. You have nothing to hide and you just met him so you also have nothing to lose. She’s really not mad at you anyway, it’s him that her anger is directed at as it should be. Lesson # 2:
He’s trying to impress you with his Car:
Cars! There I said it. Some men still think that if they have a nice car that they can have any woman that they chose. It’s as though this automobile instantly transforms them into a chick magnet and it gives them the courage to approach any woman without fear of rejection.
Sounds crazy doesn’t it? However, crazy things work too in the world of men. It appears funny that any man would equate what he drives with his ability to attract women, but sadly it many times works!
How many times have you and your girlfriends driven through the park on a nice sunny day because you know that men will be out waxing their cars? In cities all across the U.S., when spring arrives, the sun begins to shine and the flowers and tress start to bloom, young people flock to parks everywhere. Girls in shorts walk through the grass as young men shirtless, wax their pride and joy while music blasts out of their sound systems.
Unfortunately, before actually seeing the guy women actually notice the car and it becomes a magnet and at the least a reason to start up a conversation.
We’ve all pretty much done this at some point in our young life. Hell, my very first vehicle out of High School was a pristine British Sports car and second to the fact that I was a College Basketball player this car played a big part in the amount of women that scored with.
Today, nothing has changed. I listened in as my son and his friends harped on and on about how when they were old enough they were going to by Mercedes, Lexus and Corvettes because they knew that this would help them with the ladies.
Not all women are that gullible to date a man based on his mode of transportation, however unfortunately there are some. So when you are in a conversation with a man and he attempts to steer you in the direction of asking him what he drives, you now know why? His aim is to impress you with 22″ rims and a sound system to die for, all in the hopes that it will make him appear worthy enough to separate you from your clothes.
I say this because chances are that he loves that car more than he will ever possibly love you. Why? Because that car makes him popular and it attracts young immature women who don’t know any better and because they don’t he can have his way with them. Can you do that for him? Or better yet, would you? I didn’t think so.
So the next time you look at the car first and the guy second, think about this, you’re not the only woman that could possibly fall into this trap and he knows it too.
Lesson # 3:
You live in the same town, but after two months he still hasn’t introduced you to his family:
When you fall in love you really want to share that feeling with everyone. Friends, family and the whole damn world is supposed to share in your bliss. Men are the same as women in this respect, with the exception that they tend to introduce you to their friends first.
Note: We do this because we want them to envy us over just how damn beautiful you are!
Once we’ve wallowed in that ecstasy and gotten not only our friends seal of approval we tend to feel it’s time for you to meet the family. This entire process shouldn’t take any longer than 30 days. Because in the beginning of a relationship we tend to spend every waking moment with you allowing us the opportunity to see you from all sides. If you’re a keeper, you’ll meet the family right around the 60 day mark, barring that they actually live in the same area code, if not it could be a little bit longer.
If you and your man have been together for longer than 60 days and he hasn’t introduced you to family and friends all of whom live in the same city, you have a problem you might want to address.
Unfortunately men don’t introduce the woman they profess love of to people that they are related to or friends with for the following reasons: 1) they feel differently about the relationship then they are actually telling you. 2) you are not the only woman they have; 3) for whatever reason they are uncomfortable with you, your looks, weight, color etc; 4) they are not planning on keeping you around; 5) he is simply using you.
I am sorry to have to tell you those things but it’s the truth. Think about it, when you meet a nice guy, you probably cannot wait to share your happiness with friends and family, right? Men are no different unless he’s guilty of one of the above reasons for not performing the introductions.
However, if he’s a dog like I once was, it is also possible that he cannot introduce you to his mom until he’s positively sure you are the one. Here’s why; you bring too many women home to meet your mom and she automatically knows whom you’ve become as a man. Mothers are quick to acknowledge the obvious and have been known to inform their sons not to bring another woman home to meet her unless it is his wife! I know this because I received this exact instruction from my mom after replacing several girlfriends in a short period of time.
Mothers are women too, and although they love their sons they seldom condone the type of behavior that many of us display in regards to the women we date. The next time i took a woman home with me was years later and yes, she was my wife and remains my wife to this day.
Lesson # 4:
You’ve met his male friends but none of their girlfriends:
Why would a man whom professes his love for you take you out to bars to meet his male friends and none of their girlfriends or wives are present? Because there is a good chance that his friends girlfriends or wives don’t know one another either.
Women talk to one another and trust me, the last thing he wants is to introduce you to his friends girl on the chance that she may say, “You do know he has another girlfriend too?” He also doesn’t want to run the risk of you becoming friends with women whom know what he’s really like and his past. The past he wants you to hear is the one that he fabricates for your ears only.
Oh, and by the way where are his friends girlfriends? They’re at home or out with friends just as you will be months later when he decides to go out with his friends. So prepare yourself to be isolated and alone in this relationship just as his friends girlfriends are as well.
Oh, and he only introduced you to his friends to boast about the new girl he just obtained for his collection.
Lesson # 5:
His female cousin give you strange looks:
Not every girl that you see is going to be related to him. Regardless of what he says some of them are either ex’s or friends and relatives of ex’s that he’s known for years. Occasionally, you’ll meet a cousin and she’ll give you a strange look too, but that really because she’s trapped. She’s trapped between her loyalty to him as his relative and her bond with you as a member of the female race. She will at times give you a look that you interpret as disapproval, however it’s really a warning sign. She hopes that this simply gesture will cause you concern enough to question it. The sad thing is women rarely do, and when they do they question it to their man who is quick to point out that his cousin is always like that and she doesn’t like anyone. He may even tell you that she is like that because he used to date her best friend and since the break-up she likes none of his girlfriends.
The next time you stumble into a situation like this, don’t run from it. Befriend her and more than likely she’ll try to protect you and if you become close enough she’ll tell you everything you really need to know about him.
Lesson # 6:
When you leave his apartment he always reminds you of something you almost left behind:
You ever been in a relationship and while leaving after spending the night he runs out to the car or calls you on your cell phone to remained you that you left something behind? Did this happen on more than one occasion?
If it did occur to you it was probably something insignificant to you, something you could do without for the day such as a brush, comb, eye liner, or scrunchy. The reason I say this is because generally it’ll be something that only a woman would have and the reason he doesn’t want you to leave it behind is so that no one else will see it and question him.
If he has allowed you to leave a tooth brush there, you’ll notice that the next time you arrive it’ll be neatly placed away out of sight. You can bet it won’t be on the counter in the holder next to his where you left it days before.
These are all classical signs that you are not the only woman that he entertains there and he wants no questions about who else has been spending time with him. The easiest way to assure himself that this will not happen is to sanitize the place upon each female departing.
Women notice anything that seems out of place and for a bachelor to have a female hair brush in his cabinet or a hair bow could lead to loads of questioning.
So if you haven’t been in this type of situation yet, hopefully you’ll be able to identify it if it happens to you.
Lesson # 7:
He lives alone, but he has feminine hygiene products in his bathroom:
Men who deal with a plethora of women are like Boy Scouts, they are always prepared. You go to his place and you’ll find everything from feminine hygiene products, bikinis, Teddy’s and more in several different colors styles and sizes.
Ever went to a guys house for the first time and he asked if you’d like to go swimming? Of course you didn’t bring a bikini because you had no idea that this was a possibility, right? Well when he asked, it was really a loaded question to begin with.
You see the idea is this, we generally ask after you’ve had several drinks so your inhibitions have lowered. He’s hoping that it’s at the point where he can convince you that you really don’t need one since it’s only you and him. He’s hoping that you agree since you already told him you like to swim. However, if you balk at this skinny dipping opportunity he’ll change up on you and offer you a t-shirt to cover yourself (which we all know becomes transparent once wet, right?).
If you balk at this offer as well he’ll suddenly remember that his cousin (female of course) purchased a couple of bikinis and left them before she ever had a chance to wear them and lucky for you they just might be in your size. Now lets go swimming!
It’s funny now, but in reality this whole thing was simply an exercise in separating you from your clothes and in a mans mind, less is more.
When living alone and dealing with multiple women men have been known to have products to cover any situation that may arise in the course of an evening, however when you live with him he has to constantly run to the store because he’s seldom prepared for anything, go figure.
So you go to his apartment and he has battery sizes for every single sex toy you could imagine, live with him and during a power outage he has to go to the store to get batteries for a flashlight, ha,ha. I know, I spend more time now jaunting back and forth to pick up things that years ago I kept in stock in the back of my closet as a single man. Lesson # 8:
He never spends a full night at your place:
Ever have that guy who is kind, gentle and treats you like a queen? You call him and he comes running to bring you whatever you need or request. However, when he comes over to spend time with you he never spends a complete night. He may stay and make love to you until you’re both exhausted but before 5 am he’s whispering that he has to get up and go home.
He’ll give you all types of excuses about having a big meeting that morning or having to let his dog out, or how he simply cannot get comfortable enough in your bed to fall completely asleep.
You can’t go to his house because he has already laid the ground work by telling you that he either lives with his Mom, or has a apartment full of room mates and either way it’s disrespectful for you to be placed in that type of situation. Right?
However, if you examine these statement a little closer you’ll discover they may not be true at all. He may not actually live with his mom, and yeah he may share an apartment with several room mates but he also may have someone else that expects him to be a certain place at certain times, like with her.
If he can’t get comfortable in your bed, hell, ask him to purchase one for your place that he can get comfortable in. If you and he are really in a monogamous relationship then there is really no excuse for his inability to spend complete nights with you if this is what you’d like. It’s nice to be able to see the person you love when you wake up laying beside you. To be able to share breakfast together and begin your day together before you depart for work and the stress it may entail.
Lesson # 9:
He suddenly becomes busy during the weeks that you have your menstrual:
When you are in a relationship but you don’t live together it leaves plenty of time to get into things that you shouldn’t. Sometimes women provide even more free time to men whom are already roaming freely and unsupervised by making this simple statement; “Oh, I just started my period, so you can go out with friends if you want.”
Women, you make this statement you simply tell your man that you feel that he only comes by when you can make love to you and that you’re alright with this fact.
Menstrual or not he should be with you, don’t you think. If sex is the only reason he comes by then quite frankly you don’t have much of a relationship to begin with.
So if he choses not to come around during this time of the month, just because you may be out of commission doesn’t meant other women are and this may be his opportunity to play with them, and your statement may have just made it easier.
Lesson # 10:
He will not hold hands with you in public:
Some people consider holding hands or other public displays of affection childish behavior. It’s not, it is really a sign of togetherness, being a couple, in a relationship. Now I don’t mean going to the mall and groping one another or displaying long wet kisses, I mean small pecks and occassionally holding hands.
If the guy you are dating tells you that he simply doesn’t like holding hands, he’s full of shit. Holding hands for men goes back to our grade school days and we enjoy it just as much as you do. It’s our little way of letting all other men know that you are not only with us, but you are ours.
When a man says that he doesn’t like to hold hands or appears uncomfortable holding hands with you, chances are that he doesn’t want anyone to know that you two are an item. Remember, it’s easy to explain to your real girlfriend or wife that I went to the mall with a female friend. However, it’s hard to explain that same situation when we were spotted holding hands while we walked through the mall.
I find it interesting that women don’t find it odd that the same man who cannot keep his hands off of you behind closed doors is uncomfortable touching you in public. You should always question this behavior.
It’s like dating the guy that when you first began talking told you how much he enjoyed going to the movies and now that you’re together he refuses to take you. How is that possible? Or the guy who only comes to your house late at night, but never takes you out in public.
How else do you explain this behavior? He’s either in another relationship as well, or ashamed of being seen with you in public (because of your height, weight, ethnicity, nationailty, etc.) There I said it, but either way, you deserve better! So send his sorry selfish, inmature ass packing and find yourself a real man. Find a man that cannot keep his hands off you in private and in public because that’s what love does, it makes us want to be one!
Well, I gotta run again. I hope something I wrote can be used by you or someone you know. If something above has been identified by you in your own relationship, I hope you have the strength, courage and self respect to correct it. I wish you luck and I hope you chose to visit Eavesdropping in the Boys Club often.
“Like a compass needle that points north, a man’s accusing finger always finds a woman. Always.” — Khaled Hosseini
Of all the posts I have written over the last year, this is by far my most difficult. I had tried to stay away from this situation just as I had avoided the Rhianna/ Chris Brown incident. I simply felt that with the media’s bombardment of it, you’d get tired of it and anything I wrote at the time would fall on death ears. Above that was the single most important fact of life, Love is never supposed to result in death. It’s supposed to create life, never it’s opposite.
So here I am writing this post because we need to learn something from this tragedy and you damn sure will not get the real lesson from our mainstream media.
For those of you that do not know about this incident and I am sure that there are very few of you, I will provide a short recap and then we’ll move on to why this post was written.
Steve McNair was an American Icon in the World of Professional Football, the NFL. He was married with several children and had recently retired at age 36. His contributions to humanity through his Foundation are well known in Nashville and beyond. He was a man that on sight could disarm you with a smile that was contagious.
Sahel Kazemi was a beautiful, young and vibrant 20 year old Iranian immigrant. She was well loved by her family and friends and had her whole life before her. According to reports she had been involved in a somewhat volatile relationship with a previous boyfriend before a chance meeting with McNair whom had visited a restaurant where she was employed as a waitress.
On July 4th of 2009, the bodies of both McNair and Kazemi were discovered in the living room of an apartment that he co-owned in the Nashville area. Police have labeled it a murder/suicide, stating that McNair was shot while he slept on the couch by Kazemi, whom then turned the gun on herself. The two had been in a relationship according to reports for approximately 4 months.
I am and will always be a Steve McNair fan, but this post is not really about him. This post is about Sahel Kazemi and the lessons that we can all learn from her actions. I am not about to condemn either of these two people for what occurred on that fatal day in July or before. What I will do is try to make sense of what happened in hope that someone who reads this and has contemplated the same actions will rethink it and chose another course of action.
Steve McNair was a victim, but although the media fails to state this so was Sahel Kazemi. Many people would disagree with that statement, but it’s true. We just chose to ignore her plight because she unfortunately took a mans life. A very well known and loved man whom made us feel good about ourselves when he was entertaining us each and every Sunday.
Football is a violent sport, we know it is and of course no one knows it as well as the men who play it. It also comes with a lot of adulation. Millions of fans pack NFL stadiums each and every year with hopes of coming into contact with greatness. Football players sell us products, ask us to support the “United Way”, they make us laugh and they show that they are human, and yes they even make mistakes.
However, because of who they are generally they are soon forgiven. Could you imagine walking out of a tunnel to 70 thousand people chanting your name and 10 thousand people wearing a jersey with your name on the back? Could you imagine earning more money then some third world countries gross domestic product? They have it all, and then after several years it’s over.
Steve McNair was retired at 36, the average American will not retire if they do at all until probably 70. Now retirement for pro athletes is entirely different than the retirement of normal citizens. Many are still young enough to play mentally, however physically it’s a different story all together. Most don’t take retirement lightly, they have problems adjusting to life after football.
Ask Lawrence Taylor who turned to crack cocaine after his retirement. Many others become addicted to prescription drugs or even selling drugs after retirement. Why? They need something to fill that void in their lives that all that adulation created, they miss the excitement, the energy, the contact and other things that go along with playing the game.
I think and this is my own opinion, to fill that void in his life Steve replaced it with women.
This is why I suggested above that Sahel Kazemi is a victim as well. She was a 20 year old impressionable woman and into her life walked this man who was much larger than life itself.
He wined her, dined her, bedded her and for all intense and purposes was about to dump her. Now the police speculate that Sahel committed this tragedy because Steve was not about to leave his wife as she had been led to believe. I call this speculation absurd.
If they were together while he was married it wouldn’t really matter if he stayed married or not. Nothing would really change by him getting a divorce, even if he chose to marry her. They were already in a relationship.
No, I think that this tragedy occurred because in her mind she had convinced herself that he really loved her. He had shown her love, kindness, financial and emotional support, took her on trips that she could only dream of and made her feel special like no man before him had ever done.
In return she gave him all that she had, love, trust and herself. This young beautiful woman believed everything he had told her. Why shouldn’t she? We believed him enough to buy products he hawked, or to made donations to his charities or Foundation. If we believed him and we only knew him from watching him on that idiot box in our living room, why would a young impressionable woman sharing his bed not?
In the end it wasn’t the premise of him not leaving his wife that caused this horrible event. It was decided the night, when she realized that Steve had lied to her. The night that she discovered that there was another woman he was seeing as well.
We’ve all had heartbreaks, none are ever good and we each deal with them in our own ways. I’ve known people to stop eating, lose sleep and weight, go on drinking binges and worse, in an effort to dull the pain of a broken heart.
People have said that heartbreak is the worst pain any person should ever have to suffer. I agree, I’ve had my share, and recklessly I even caused a few.
So now, try to place yourself in Sahels shoes for one moment and look at things from the eyes of a 20 year old trying to come to grips with the fact that a man she adores, a man bigger than life is cheating on her with another woman.
Remember when you discovered a man was cheating on you? How did you feel? What were you thinking? Anger, revenge, hurt, disgust, pain, suffering, confusion and more is what comes to mind when I think back. These are feelings I pray no one ever has to repeat or go through.
As I said, we all respond to heartbreak differently. Very few people (luckily) chose the path of Sahel. We can all say that she could have done something different, but we weren’t her were we?
We can only speculate how she could have really felt and even then we’d come up short.
How many people have made the statement, “If I can’t have you, then no one will” in a relationship? It happens all the time, love is a contact sport even if we don’t believe it is. Hearts are broken at will, we fail to realise that our dealings with people are actually dealings with raw emotion. We have to take responsibility for our actions, we need to look at all of our relationships from our significant others point of view. Ask yourself, how will this decision I make effect them? How would you feel if the role was reversed? Don’t you deserve to know?
If we refuse to learn from this incident and begin to examine our relationships closely from both parties vantage point then this type of incident will occur again. The next time, it may not be a professional athlete, it could be you or I for that matter.
Love is not a game as some have handsomely labeled it. It’s life, and in this case, death.
Sahel is not the monster that the media portrays her to be, she is simply another victim of this so called game called love. We do her a great injustice by not viewing her as what she really was, a young impressionable young woman caught up in a web of lies and deceit. A woman who dealt with it the only way she knew how, removing the man she loved from this world and then following after him.
I pray that no one ever again loses their life in the name of so called love. I call it this because as I’ve said in many of my previous posts, it is wrong to ever love anyone more than you love yourself.
I end this by saying goodbye to both Steve and Sahel and I hope that we all can learn from this unfortunate incident, so that it may never repeat itself again.
Thank you for taking the time to read this post.
P.S To anyone whom feels the need to bash this post for whatever reason of their choosing, please save it. I’m too busy mourning the unnecessary loss of two beautiful people to really care.
Every woman on the planet that has ever been involved with a man that was not worthy of her has asked of herself these questions…”Why can’t I find a decent guy, Why do I always meet the wrong men and When will I find a man who really loves me?” There are other questions that are asked of ones self as well and they all equate to the same issue. You’ve once again selected a man who is unworthy of you and treats you like shit. Regardless of how much you love him or how many promises he makes, you know in your heart that he’ll never ever change.
What are your alternatives? You can get rid of him and find another man but past experiences have shown you that after several months you’ll be right back in the same situation. You’ll still be miserable, unhappy, unappreciated, unloved and insecure about his possible motives.
In the end most women tend to adapt the attitude that all men are the same. They become bitter and cold hearted to love because as with everything else in our lives when we continue to lose we stop wanting to play.
For many years I felt that women were simply attracted to men of little worth. I thought that a bad boy was what all women wanted. The type of guy that keeps you on edge and puts excitement in your life is what I assumed you all wanted.
I thought women loved being with a man who was a smooth talker that kept you waiting and wondering if he really cared. I felt that you ladies enjoyed being taken advantage of and that you enjoyed all the drama that these men afforded you, by cheating, lying, stealing, disappearing for days on end and being worthless.
After writing this blog for more than a year I have learned differently, thanks to all the women that took the time to write to me and to teach me. I’ve found out through readers like you that what women really want is to be loved. You want romance, security, passion, friendship and a partner that will stand by you through everything that life throws your way.
You know what? It’s everything you deserve and every woman should have and can have if she can only recognize why she ends up with less than a stellar mate. Do you know why you are attracted to men that are unworthy of you?
You are attracted to them because you failed to keep a promise that you made to yourself as a child. There, I said it! You broke your own promise to yourself and now you suffer for it with every bad relationship you enter. Every time you select a man based on the same criteria as the last you broke your own promise and broken promises are on the same level of broken hearts, they hurt. However, this time you’re breaking your own heart, by not being true to yourself.
poll=1982142]Now, before I tell you what that promise you made was I really need to prepare you that what I am about to write will possibly hurt many of you and anger some. I am counting on it, anger and frustration are the means to make you see the truth and if it’s directed at me but helps you I welcome it.
As small children we are influenced by everything that enter our lives, this includes parents, the boyfriends of parents, girlfriends of parents and their ideas of love and relationships.
This is how we learn as children, by observing the good and the bad. If your mother had a bad relationship with your father because he wasn’t a worthy man you observed it and learned from it.
If your father wasn’t around and your mother had boyfriends or you had a step father, their relationship influenced you and still influences your relationships to this very day.
If their relationship wasn’t a positive one you learned from it. You also picked up your habit of selecting wrong men at this time. Any man who was not a good man in your adolescent life left an impression on you that you carry to this day.
It is said that women tend to seek out the qualities of their fathers (or men performing the father role) in the men they date or possibly marry. If these qualities weren’t good, then you are seeking someone today that you do not want or really need in your life.
If that man was uncaring, unloving, untrustworthy, abusive, selfish, worthless, mean spirited, a cheater, lazy, shiftless, or worse these are the traits you could be looking for in the men you select today. Why? Because you are familiar with this type of behavior and you accept it as normal. It became normal to you because you had nothing to compare it with when you were in the most influential stages of your life.
To make matters worse, if your mother accepted these bad qualities as well, it possibly made you feel that this is the way all love is and although it is not it’s all you knew.
I often wondered why some women shy away from good men, and I always suspected it was because they never trusted true love. When a woman finally meets a man of great character, she spends most of the relationship anticipating when things are going to go bad. When things don’t, she unconsciously begins to sabotage the relationship because for it to be this good it didn’t feel normal or natural to her. This is basically because she’d never been exposed to how real men treat women in her earlier life, therefore making this type of good behavior seem more like a ruse to get her to let her guard down. By accepting this good relationship experience for what it really is could be more heartbreaking in the end if she doesn’t prepare herself for the problems she anticipates will surely come. In her mind, these issues such as jealousy, arguing, cheating, lying and abuse are a real part of the relationship process. The absence of them signal that the man is pretending, and eventually they will show up because to her all men are the same. When the drama fails to arrive, she begins to create drama herself in an attempt to make him show that she was right all along.
The promise as I stated above was this: As a young girl, you promised yourself that the man you chose would be nothing like the one you observed growing up. Have you kept your promise?
If you had then you probably wouldn’t have suffered heartbreak, verbal abuse, being cheated on, being lied to and maybe even being physically abused.
Can you change this cycle of selecting unworthy men? Absolutely! However, the first step is to forgive yourself for breaking your own promise. Then you may want to look back to the types of men that you were exposed to in your youth and then try to remember what it was that you disliked about them to begin with.
Once you have determined what faults they possessed that you hated to begin with, take a look at your former boyfriends and your current one and see what they all have in common. If they possess the same traits you’ll know you were right as a child. The only thing to do after that point is to keep your own promise and steer clear of these types of men, looking rather for men of higher character and standards.
It will not be easy I am sure, however the first step is to be honest with yourself and look deep inside of you. If you cannot be honest with yourself, you cannot be honest with anyone. So ask yourself, is this situation a possibility?
As for me, what I wrote may have some merit. I am not a psychologist, I am simply a realist. Some of you may read this post and say I am wrong, it’s OK. However, you will also have to entertain the thought that I may just be on to something. If this is not a possibility, then the idea that boys whom grow up witnessing physical abuse in their homes tend to become abusers themselves can not be a possibility as well. However, we all know that this is accepted as fact.
I see no other reason that beautiful, caring, intelligent women continue to attract unworthy men. Women are much too smart to be doing this out of need, for as women you can have any man of your choosing especially decent, god fearing men. How else are we to explain the cycle of women whom constantly date unworthy men? The response of, “All the good men are either married or gay” is simply unacceptable. Now, remember the guy that you observed as a child? The one who made your mother cry, verbally abused her or worse? He’s the same guy that you may have allowed into your life on more than one occasion. You are an adult now, you make your own choices. Shut him out of your life for good. Allow only men of great character to have an opportunity to be your partner in the future. dispel all the beliefs that a nice, gentle, caring, passionate man is myth. They are not, they really exist and when you meet one, let the relationship take it’s course. It may feel unnatural at first but if you give it time you’ll grow to understand that what you were used to having was really unnatural and this time it’s the way it was meant to be. Before I go let me remind you of something. “The girl is the Mother of the Woman.” You are now a woman, take the advice you gave yourself as a young girl. Never date a man who does the things you disliked then, just as you dislike them now. If he reminds you of your childhood, avoid him and seek out a man of better character. I hope this helps, I really welcome any feedback on this issue. Please let me know if you feel this could actually help you or even if you feel it’s B.S. I really want to hear what all of you have to say.