You’ve been mulling this decision in your head for months, should I end this relationship or not? You ask your friends and possibly relatives and you soak in all of this information and you still can’t decide exactly what you should do. To make matters worse, you know in your heart that its the best thing for you and your emotional well being.
You deserve someone who will treat you with respect, someone you can count on, someone you know in your heart that is capable of loving you with all of their heart. You thirst for someone that is exciting and makes you burn with desire again. The man in your life now, he was once like that. He was attentive, responsible, caring and appeared to be head over heels in love with you, and he once knew how to light your flame.
However, that seems like such a long time ago and even those memories are fading. Now, he may or may not call you today. He may stand you up on a date you’ve planned, something he’d never even considered doing when you first started dating. Hell, during those days he’d come to your work place with an umbrella for you just because the forecast called for rain. Those were the days huh? When you were the envy of all of your friends because he placed you on a pedestal.
He’s totally different now, huh? Ok, he’s never hit you or anything and although late at night you have that nagging thought in your head and gut that he may have someone else you have no proof. All you know deep inside is that even though he tells you that he loves you, you don’t feel it anymore, period.
So now, is that enough to end this long relationship? That depends on you and only you. No one is going to have the exact answer you’re looking for. You know the one where they say just the right thing and a switch goes off in your head that says, “Yep, I’m ending this right now!”
However, what I can do is explain to you why it’s so damn hard to pull the trigger on a unhappy relationship. Interested? If you are, read on.
If you’re at this point then above everything else, you’re simply not happy. When I say this I’m not talking about being sad or depressed or anything like that. I mean that your relationship has lost its luster and you know in your heart that it has ran its course. However, you still cannot understand why you can’t simply end it.
You can’t end it because of one word; change!
Many people fear this word and most of us aren’t sure why. It really boggles my mind because change means a new beginning, starting over with a clean slate. I know its venturing into the unknown, but who knows what awaits you on the other side?
When contemplating ending a relationship we tend to think about all of this small stuff, such as what do I tell my friends, family and co-workers. What happens if I make a mistake, will he take me back? Will I be able to find someone better or will I end up with someone worse? A real dilemma, huh?
Oh, and my favorite, I don’t want him to hate me for ending it. I want us to remain friends, always. Hey, and don’t forget, what if no one else wants me? Better yet, how about this thought that I know all of you have had at one time or another; the fear that he will be out of your life, forever! Yeah, you know the one where you are so used to having him in your life and the thought that he will no longer be around scares you. Well guess what? How about before you two ever met? You got along fine during that time of your life, didn’t you?
You know what I think of all of this stuff? Its just stuff! That’s all it is, stuff. It enough to make a sane person go mad, seriously. So tell me, who in their right mind would stay in a relationship that they are not satisfied with? You?
Life is short and its fleeting. Why you’re reading this post time is flying by. Time that you’ll never get back so I try to write things that you can get something out of. I don’t want to waste your time, because its extremely precious. With that in mind, can you really afford to spend another hour, day, week, month or year in a relationship that you’re not happy with?
To make matters a little more interesting let me give you something to think about. How do you really know that he’s not feeling the same way? Yep, men stay in relationships because they want to avoid change as well. Any of you ever been in a relationship and one of you decided it was time to call it quits and you both breathed a sigh of relief? It happens, I promise.
Hell, it happened to me years ago. I dated a girl for roughly 6 months and one night while watching TV she asked me if I was really happy in the relationship and after dancing around the question (I thought it was a trick) I confessed that actually I wasn’t. I told her that I was content, but not truly happy.
She laughed and told me that she felt the same way. Yep, there was a sigh of relief on both of our parts. We both had a good laugh about it and through talking we discovered that we’d probably make better friends, which we did. I mean, we liked the same things, we loved to talk to one another and we laughed a lot. However, once we became a couple the magic kinda disappeared. Afterward, it wasn’t awkward at all since we quickly went back to being friends.
We still hung out together, called each other often and held Friday night movie vigils at her home or mine. Then after a couple of months she called me really excited and informed me that she had met a guy that she thought was the right person for her. I wished her well and I met him a couple of years later at their wedding. He’s a very nice guy and they are still very happily married with children to this day.
The moral to that story is that hell, he may not be happy in the relationship either and chances are that if you’re not happy, neither is he. How can he be happy if he knows that you are not? You may not say whats on your mind but if you’ve been together for awhile he knows your body language and he knows that there is something wrong. The girl I spoke of above, she later told me that she noticed that I seemed distant. She went on to inform me that she noticed that I seemed as though things weren’t fun and exciting anymore and she began to feel the pressure as well, and it she too became unhappy with the relationship. We only dated for about six months, how long have you and your man been dating?
Now, for those of you in this situation I hope that this post opened your eyes a little. I hope you stop thinking about only you and think about how he may feel as well. If you’re not happy, maybe he isn’t as well. I hope you stop worrying about the changes you assume you’ll be faced to deal with and begin looking forward to what can be awaiting you in the future.
There is nothing on earth as frustrating as being at the whim of someone else. Especially when its someone that you have grown to know, fell head over heals in love with and without warning they radically changed. Damn, it makes me want to pull my hair out just thinking about it.
Many of you will suffer through this in your lifetime, a few of you will suffer through it more than once (because some learn lessons at a different pace). Hell, I went through this phenomenon myself. However, when I came out the other side I made an important decision about dating. Especially when the relationship moved to a point and you have that very important talk.
You ladies know the talk I am referring to. The one where the guy says, “Look, we spend all of our time together anyway. You have an apartment, and I have one. We spend all of this time sleeping at each others place, but we’re paying two separate rents.” Then he goes on a says, “Wouldn’t it be better if we just moved in together?” “Think of all of the money we could save?”
Wow! You start to think maybe there is a future in this relationship and you as all women do, ask, “Are you sure?” However, inside you’re bursting at the seams with excitement. You cannot wait to tell your girlfriends that he asked you to move in with him. You were so excited, you failed to carefully think this plan through and you really overlooked exactly whose apartment should you two move into. But, that’s OK, because you’re so happy whatever he wants to do is fine by you.
You can’t wait to move in with him and make all of the modifications that will turn his place into a happy home, right? You should have read the fine print in the offer because this is a recipe for disaster filled with a hidden minefield.
When he brings saving money into the equation you need to know that’s a red flag. “Think of all of the money we can save?” In real love money is not an issue. However, let me clarify that statement for you. If I really love you, then I want you to move in with me, not because it allows me to save more cash to buy more toys. I want you there because I want to wake up next to you every single morning. I want you to be the first person i see when I get up to start my day, and the last person I see and hold before I fall asleep. These feeling you make me have are priceless and money pales in comparison.
So, anyway you’re thinking about how great it is to be able to live with him and he’s thinking about the money he’ll be able to save by sharing the rent, bills and expenses. Get the picture now? Yeah, you’re really just a beautiful, sexy roommate that he has bedroom privileges with.
You on the other hand think that this is a prelude to marriage and you quickly begin to treat it just like that. You rush home to make him dinner everyday, you rearrange his apartment to make it more of a home instead of a bachelor pad and within weeks you convince him that you two need a joint account. Why? Because its what married couples do.
Now, currently he’s still on board but what happens when he starts to feel crowded? You start to see a side of him you haven’t seen before. He become irritable, starts coming home later from work and everything becomes an argument. The next thing you know, he’s sleeping on the couch and you’re crying yourself to sleep on a weekly basis.
Do you understand why this occurs? Believe me when I say that this happens everyday worldwide, so if its happened to you then rest assured you are not alone. It happens because you and he were never on the same page to begin with. The expectations of both parties were totally different and neither took the time to set up rules and expectations before the move actually occurred.
To make matters worse, when people live separately while they are dating there are loads of things they learn about one another over time. When you chose to move in together you learn a lot about one another very quickly and some of the things you learn you may not like. Living together you don’t have that safe place to go to while you attempt to come to grips with his short comings as you would if you lived apart.
If you lived separately and a girl called him on the phone, you’d be a little upset, go home and think about it. He’d call and explain the situation and everything would be forgiven in most cases. If a girl calls him while you’re living together, its a whole different emotion. You have no where to think this thing through except maybe another bedroom. Also, the thought that a girl called him infuriates you even more because now you’re wondering if he’s even informed her that he’s in this makeshift marriage, uh, living with you.
When things get really bad and you simply cannot take it anymore (as he may be feeling as well), what are you going to do? It was really easy to get into this situation but getting out of it can be difficult. Where are you going to go? You gave up your apartment, remember?
This is the point where you should have had a “Single Women Survival Kit.” Because when things get really bad, you’ll be able to take complete control of your life and situation again. Trust me when I tell you that there is no worse feeling than the feeling of being trapped.
You’ve given up your apartment, your life, your freedom to make someone else happy and it just didn’t work out. Now, you’re sitting in the bedroom that you two once shared and he’s drinking a beer on the couch watching sports after another silly argument. You feel trapped and confined and all you really want is to get out!
If you had planned ahead and had a “Survival Kit”, you’d be able to do just that because you’d be prepared. Now, some will say, ” If you’re preparing for failure then it will do that, fail.” However, we don’t plan on having a auto accident, but we get insurance, just in case.
This survival kit, consists of some material items and a good deal of common sense. I’ll give you a list I made up for you, it differed from the one I once had, but then again I am a man.
Item #1: A secret bank account:
I know, you shouldn’t keep secrets in your relationship but this is basically insurance and believe me you may need it. You should place approximately $50.00 into this account every payday. The one thing that will be a hurdle for you is in the event that you feel as though you need to move out, is having enough cash on hand to get another place.
It sucks when you know that you once had a nice quiet place that you called home. It was your sanctuary, a place you could close out the world if need be. If you placed money into that account, you could find one quickly and move on. If not, it may take you a while to save up enough to move out. This means that you’re subjected to many more months of frustration while trying to save something you could have already had.
Now, in the event that the relationship blossoms into something more as in marriage. Guess what? You can roll that money into an investment account, or utilize it to offset some of your wedding expenses. You can’t lose by being prepared!
Item #2: Stockpile birth control:
Hey, until you are on your honeymoon it might be wise to protect yourself from an unplanned pregnancy. If your live in arrangement falls apart the very last thing that you need to discover is that you’re expecting. Children are the greatest thing on this planet, however, caring for one as a single mom is a challenge.
A Professor once gave me this advice about sex. “Never sleep with a woman that you could not see as being the mother of your children.” We all know that was not the case in some of the relationships I had over the years, however to eliminate the chance of an unplanned event I stockpiled condoms. Hell, when I was in my early 20’s I think I purchased enough to give everyone at the Magnum plant a raise in pay. Lol!
There is nothing wrong with protecting yourself and making sure he’s the right one. Then planning on having the child as a family, yep, you and he. Families can be only two people you know.
Item #3: Locate a neutral place to reside together:
If a man requests that you and he move in together, don’t move into his apartment or allow him to move into yours. If you’re serious about it and he is as well, the two of you together go and locate a suitable neutral abode to begin your trial live-in.
However, and this is extremely important, discuss with him his expectations and explain yours to him. If you two accommodate one another, this thing could really work to both of your advantages and grow into the ultimate goal. If you fail to examine what you both expect your chances of success are quite slim. This is just a thought, but you may want to explain to him at this time that you have no plans of being a lifelong girlfriend and live-in lover. Just putting that out there, OK? Remember what your mom used to say, “Why buy the cow when he can get the milk for free?”
Item #4) Keep your Finances separate:
In the beginning do not under any circumstances intertwine your bills or credit. You should agree to pay your half and he his. The only thing that both of your names should appear on is the rental agreement.
You want to do this to give you an opportunity to see how he handles his finances. If you intertwine your finances and share an account, it may affect your credit score. If his score is low, you may get dinged or worse credit agencies may start calling you about his debts. This is a horrible thing to discover after you’re living together, but it happens.
Each of you should select a utility and place it in your own names, making sure that they pretty much are equal in the amounts you pay monthly. To clarify this, you shouldn’t be paying $200 in cable bills and he’s only paying $70.00 for water and the electric bill. Understand?
Item #5) An Emergency Credit Card:
You should if possible obtain a credit card with a credit line of at least $500. This card is for emergencies only and you should only utilize it once a month. During this monthly usage, go out to dinner or purchase a pair of stockings or anything that you can pay the bill in full on its due date.
This practice keeps the card active and paying it off monthly helps your credit score. As i said above though, this card is for emergencies only! What I mean by this is that in the event you need to stay at a hotel after a severe argument, this is when you utilize it. Need to rent a truck to move out because the relationship is sour, use this card. In a sense, its a safety net.
If you’ve been setting aside money as in item number one and you have this emergency card you have your freedom intact. Regardless of the situation you can move on and any frustrations will be minimal at worst.
Relationships are a risks, however that’s what makes them so much fun. We also all know that without risk there is no possibility of reward. There is nothing wrong with hedging your bets by protecting yourself in the event that things don’t work as planned. By covering your bases, its a win-win scenario for you. As I wrote above, if it works out then you have this small nest egg that you can utilize for something else. That something else could be whatever you want it to be, to include a nice Rolex for your new husband. I’m just saying. Men like nice gifts too.
“Women are going to form a chain, a greater sisterhood than the world has ever known.”
— Nellie McClung
You meet a new guy and you love everything about him. He calls and your stomach gets knotted up, and when you’re around him you have butterflies. You cannot sleep because he’s always on your mind. Love, isn’t it grand? There is nothing as precious as new love, you cannot get enough of it. The feelings you get are indescribable, and you feel like you’re about to burst with excitement.
Late at night you lay in bed and you think of every single moment of time that you spent with him during the day. You review every single word spoken and chastise yourself for not saying the right thing at the right moment of the conversation. You feel awkward, like you’re a school girl with a crush and he’s the big man on campus.
You cannot wait for the next day to see him and take in the aroma of his cologne and look into his eyes once again. Every time he brushes against you or slightly touches your hand you get weak in the knees and you blush uncontrollably.
You find it difficult to concentrate and eating is a second thought, your appitite is vertually gone and you often wonder if you’ll actually be able to eat in front of him when you go out on your long anticipated date.
Love, there is nothing like it is there? However, on the flip side these same emotions can describe the way women feel when they’re heartbroken. The two basic issues of course are lack of appetite and sleep, but of course your stomach gets knotted just the same. You also wonder if it was something you said or did and if you could have done things differently.
Now the issue here is how do you keep from ever feeling like the latter of these two emotions? How do we insure that you never have your heart and emotions drug through the mud while you shed tears that could have been prevented.
Did you know that women can protect their own hearts by simply doing one thing at the beginning of every relationship, even before you begin to act like a love struck schoolgirl. Before you place your heart in the hands of a person that you thought dropped out of heaven, but may have came from a much lower area, you should find out from where he really came.
“There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”
— Madeleine Albright
Every man that you meet has a past. It’s that past that can determine your relationship fate. Before you throw caution to the wolves and fall head over heels in love with someone who may break your heart into, it behooves you to proceed with caution. Do your homework and attempt to discover who he really is and if possible, why?
It is amazing that more women don’t do what I am about to introduce you to, because if done properly it works to your benefit. Its also the hidden secret that men never want you to discover. Its the inside information straight from the horses mouth that could sink them where they stand when they are dishonest.
What is this secret that make men tremble in their boots? The girl that held his heart before you! She holds all the secrets that can mean success or failure for you if you enter into a relationship with the man that makes your heart pound faster.
Now before you decide that this is not a route you would chose to take lets take a look at it from a different angle. Think about your last boyfriend, what could you share with another woman that could spare her a harsh break-up and a broken heart. Was he good to you? Did he cheat on you or god forbid, hit you. You hold valuable information that could assist another woman whom might be sitting at home right now with butterflies in her stomach over a man that you know to be a liar and a cheat. If you could save her from heartbreak and despair, why wouldn’t you. If you don’t, when the day comes that he rips her heart out or hurt her in any other manner, you are just as responsible as he is because you could have and should have warned her if she asked.
It amazes me that we tend to not inquire about the person that held our love interests heart until after we break up with them. We tend to believe what our partners say about them and as with nature we side with the one we’re with. That is until that day after our hearts have been broken into tiny pieces, we wonder if all that was told to us was actually true.
Then by chance you meet the person, and discover that they are nothing like the person you were led to believe they were. These meetings always end with you gaining a good friend and with them informing you that had you contacted them they would have warned you about your former partner.
In every relationship there are two sides to the story of why it ended, the side you’re hearing and the silent side. Isn’t it interesting that the side you’re hearing is always the fault of the silent side. But lets be real, how many men have you met that will confess to cheating, beating, stealing from or lying to their ex’s? Better yet, how many men have you met that will inform you that yes, they do have a current girlfriend while they attempt to seduce you?
These are all the more reason for you to seek out his former partner before you jump into a relationship with him. Now we all know that sometimes people make up lies and are deceitful when they have been heartbroken, but all you have to remember is that somewhere between those lies is the truth.
Now many of you are scratching your heads wondering, “How would you react if a strange woman approached you and inquired about your ex?” How would you respond? Hopefully, with dignity and respect as all adults should. If the relationship is over then its over, you both should have moved on by now, so what could it really hurt to assist someone else?
If your ex was a great guy and things simply flamed out on your relationship, then wouldn’t it be wise to inform her of that fact. Would it seriously hurt you to offer her pointers in how she might make their relationship last? Hell, in actuality you know so much about him and if you chose to hold on to that information, then you are really doing a disservice to your ex and the female that’s interested in him, don’t you think?
Now, on the other hand if he was a total jerk and she needs to be warned about him it could be wise to do so. However, it should be done with tactfulness. Sit her down and ask her exactly what she wants to know? Put yourself in her shoes, if his ex before you had told you what you needed to know, would it have prevented your heartbreak? Could it have saved you from anguish and sadness? Would you have headed her warnings? Then ask yourself this, “Can you really walk away knowing that she is headed down a path to pain and refuse to help? Ever heard of karma?
This failure to assist one another is a prime example of why our society is decaying right now. It’s not my problem, so I don’t want to get involved is our new motto. Many times I have wondered what may have been if OJ’s ex before Nichole had informed her of what he was really like? Would Scott Peterson’s late wife have heeded a warning from another woman before choosing to marrying him? I know that these examples are extreme, or are they? However, what I am sure of is that each and everyone of you hold the key to the happiness or suffering of another woman. The only question that remains, is are you willing to share that key or not?
I know it would be awkward for someone to approach you about your ex, however these questions come in many forms. So the next time you get a friend request from your ex’s current girlfriend, don’t be so quick to dismiss it. There may be something that she wants to ask you but isn’t sure how to proceed.
If the thought of this make you uneasy there is another way as there always is. Visit my fellow bloggers site and you can post about your ex anonymously. This way any woman that is interested in him can locate the info she needs right there and no one will be the wiser. Also, while you are there, you can check up on your current beau, or someone you may have had you eye on. Its free, and although most of the comments are negative, like I stated earlier, somewhere between the two extremes, lies the truth.
So if you have the time or you’re simply curious, please visit www.cheateralert.com, you never know what you may discover or what you may be able to contribute to someone else s happiness.
“I love you”, there I said it and it wasn’t that hard. However, with some men, to get them to say those three little words is like pulling teeth. They simply refuse to say it and I know its frustrating to the women whom they share their lives with. Last weekend I went to meet with some male friends after work and a couple of female friends tagged along.
Over a few beers we engaged in this terrific conversation about why it’s so damn hard for men to profess their love for a woman. One of my female friends confessed that her boyfriend of nearly two years has never uttered those words. She stated that several times he’s came close but the answer she gets most when she says it to him is “Ditto”.
She said that after all of this time together she knows that he really loves her (evident in the three calls she got in a 2 hour period), but he simply cannot utter those simple words. Oh, and at the end of one of the calls she placed him on speakerphone and told him she loved him before the call ended. You know what his response was? “Me too!”
One of my male friends attempted to explain away why we don’t say it by insisting that if we told every woman we dated that we loved them then the words eventually become hollow. He went on to say that love to him meant forever! He also added that forever, was a very long time and he wasn’t ready for that type of commitment.
Another friend chimed in and his version was a little bit graphic. I had to chastise him for his depiction of what women would do just to hear those three little words. After the beer we had drank, I think he forgot that we were in the company of two women.
His take on the words was that it has opened a lot of doors (and legs) for him. He continued that he utilizes these words as a tool to satisfy his urges and get him out of hot water if necessary. He went on to tell us how he had dated this girl for six months and still no action (meaning sex). He said he really liked her and they spent countless hours together at dinner and he even took her on a couple of trips to Cancun.
However, he said that it was always the same excuse (his words, not mine), that whenever they got to the good part she would tell him that she wasn’t ready. He said it was cool for awhile and it became a game to him, but then he grew tired and decided it was time to move on. According to him she continued calling him and although he wasn’t interested anymore he felt that if he walked away now after warming her up, some other idiot might hit the jackpot and he would be pissed.
So one night she called and he explained that he simply felt that the relationship wasn’t leading anywhere. He said that she took it well, however right before he hung up he decided to try his secret weapon (as he called it), and said “I love you” before he hung up. According to him she was at his door less than an hour later and he hit the jackpot for several months. That is until he discovered that several other men must have told her the same thing because she was sleeping with her ex and her apartments maintenance man during the same time. (The two women with us got a kick out of that, with one reminding him that’s what he gets for misusing the words.)
We moved our conversation from the pool tables to a large booth and another male in the group decided it was his turn to chime in. He relayed that old story that women wanted sensitive men, so he has made it a point to let any woman that he was dating know exactly how he felt. His position was that you shouldn’t keep people guessing, you should let them know exactly where they stand.
He went on to proclaim that he tells his current girlfriend that he loves her all of the time. When asked how long they had been together he stated 3 months, at which my now nearly drunk friend (above), told him he was a sell out to men everywhere. LOL. He also informed him that he should be careful because once you tell them you love them it’s hard to get rid of them. At this point I cut off his drinking.
When my second friend continued he explained that he’d only said that to women he really cared about and it had taken him time (albeit 3 mos) to be able to open up the his current girlfriend. He went on to say that he was pretty sure that she was the one he’d spend his future with and he looked forward to growing old together. At this point the two women with us were swooning at his honesty. Unfortunately my nearly drunk friend wasn’t having it, and reminded him that he had told us the same thing about his former girlfriend. (I quickly ordered him a hot coffee)
Now it was the second female of the groups time to add to the conversation. Wine has a special affect on women and I for one like the way it mellow them if consumed in moderation. She is normally quiet and somewhat shy and I have to admit it surprised me that she wanted to hang out with us.
She said that in her younger years that she had fallen prey to guys whom just said those words to convince her they were sincere (We all looked at my half drunken friend). But as she matured she realized that it wasn’t so much the words but the actions she concerned herself with now. She continued by stating that she had been seduced by several men whom professed their love for her and in return she was cheated on and in one relationship physically abused.
Continuing she said yes, women enjoy hearing those words and many times they seek them from men to clarify their positions in their lives. However, she cautioned that what good are the words if his actions don’t match what he’s telling you over and over again. She looked across the table to the other female member of the group and told her that although her boyfriend won’t say the words, she should know that he really loves you. She said it was evident in the way he looks at her and listens to her. She went on to say that she remembered days when he had left his job to pick her up at work because she didn’t feel good and then took the rest of the day off to care for her. (I looked over and they both had tears welling up in their eyes.)
For her she went on, now it wasn’t the words anymore. It now was all about the actions of the person she chose to be with. Her next man (when she said this my near drunk friend perked up) according to her would be someone who cared about her and showed her how he feels because the words can sometimes be hallow. She finished by saying that women put too much emphasis on what men say and not enough on how they act in relationships. It was nice to hear her say this, however, the mood was broken because as soon as she finished and we were all basking in her words my near drunk friend looked at her and said, “I love you”! We all broke into laughter and he fell asleep not realizing what he had just said.
It was a good night, shooting pool and having drinks with friends. I learned from each of them and I hope there is something in their conversations that can assist you as well. It amazes me how differently we view the same subject, but then again I guess we really are.
Oh, before I leave you today maybe I should tell you what I said on the subject. I won’t write it here because it will make the post run rather long and for many of you the discussions of my friends may be enough. However, for those of you that would like to hear my take on this topic, you can read it in my discussions by visiting Anonymousmale1 on facebook. See you there!
Turn on your TV and they’re everywhere, hawking shoes, cars, credit cards, soup, watches, you name it and there is a professional athlete endorsing it. These men whom seem larger than life (and in some cases are) have become rock stars since the invent of cable and satellite TV.
They are young, handsome and rich! Young boys want to be like them (I wanna be like Mike), adult men idolize them and women worship them like they’re the reincarnation of the Beatles. Who would have ever thought that dribbling a basketball or catching a football would one day propel simple men to such global iconic status.
However, with all of this wealth and adulation comes a price and many professional athletes are paying or have paid this price at one time or another. This price is failure to maintain matrimonial relationships. Now why this major failure exists is anyones guess, however we can speculate that at the base of it is the lack of one major ingredient necessary to maintain any relationship, trust.
While I was in the middle of writing this post I received a phone call from a female friend of mine and out of the blue i posed this questions to her. “Would you consider marrying a professional athlete?” After asking why I would ask such a question (she doesn’t know about this blog), she responded quite eagerly, “Hell yes!”
My next question to her was why? She informed me that she would because of the status it would afford her and the wealth. However, she added that she wouldn’t be foolish enough to actually think that he might be faithful to her.
This statement sums up why the divorce rate for professional athletes hovers between 60-80%. There is no real trust going in so how could they possibly sustain any real relationship?
Now, before people blow a gasket on the above statement lets take a look at trust from the athletes prospective. Here’s a guy whom more than likely came from a lower-income family and because of his athletic prowess he garners tons of attention. Women that probably wouldn’t even speak to him if he wasn’t on the cover of some magazine are now jockeying for position to spend time with him. Oh, and this is while he is in College, he hasn’t even made it yet.
Turn on the TV and he’s on sports center and in the school book store you can purchase his jersey for $75 plus tax. (oh, and by the way he makes no profit from this sale). When his stock really rises, agents begin to not only pop up, but they also arrive in the form of women. Hey, he’s in college so legally he cannot talk to an agent yet. But, that doesn’t keep agents from dealing with his girlfriend (the one he wouldn’t have had if he wasn’t a rising star). Agents know that if they can get to her, she could possibly steer him to them when the time comes for a professional contract.
So now, draft day comes and this kid whose mother worked two shifts at a local mill gets drafted in the first round and it’s just like hitting the lottery! Thirty million dollars and a ten million dollar signing bonus and he hasn’t even suited up for a NBA, NFL or MLB team yet. To make things even worse, reporters publicize these figures in the news, telling the world how wealthy this 21-year-old kid is.
In no other section of our society (other than actors/actresses) do they publicize how much an individual makes to the world. Could you imagine if one day you open your neighborhood newspaper and in big bold print it read, “MAGAN promoted to Office Manager @ $95K per year”. It’d be pretty awkward to say the least.
So now, if he thought he was popular in College he hasn’t seen nothing yet. Now, he’s popular and wealthy, overnight. He now discovers that he has friends and family he never knew existed and everyone wants something from him, everyone. He begins to question everyone’s motives for approaching him, especially women. College women are one thing, random women who run up to him in the mall are something else totally. Phone numbers on the windshield of his new Hummer begin to wear thin after a while. Oh, and he hasn’t even ran into the apparatus called the “Professional Groupie.” (Refer to video at the end of this post)
So believe me when I tell you that by the time he ever reaches the alter he has been exploited by the University, girlfriends, agents and family members. Therfore he’ll be having trust issues in his sleep for years to come.
How do you find the woman of your dreams when the rules have changed and you’re not a regular guy anymore by societal standards? This is a tough question I think. How can you trust anyone when with every woman you take out you’re asking yourself, “Is she with me because she really likes me, or because of who I am”? Sometimes the answer to this question could be answered by simply looking into the mirror. There is no way on this earth that Mike Tyson was supposed to end up with Robin Givens. Sorry Mike, but I had to say it and I am just being real.
Making it more difficult to trust anyone is the stories he will read in the tabloids, hear from his teammates and coaches about how some player is getting divorced and his wife is taking him to the cleaners. If that isn’t enough to make him skeptical in the love department then the tales of paternity suits and allegations of sexual and physical assault surely won’t make him feel any safer.
Smart athletes if possible marry their H.S. sweetheart. Women that stood beside them when they had never been interviewed on national tv. Women that stood beside them when they had nothing and his sports prowess meant nothing to her, she was with him because they were in love.
Unfortunately even that isn’t enough today, Dwayne Wade and his wife are in a bitter divorce. These two had been together since the 7th grade. Oh, and by the way, he’s now dating Gabrielle Union whom his ex states caused the split. Drama, so much drama.
So now, since some of you will undoubtably still accept an opportunity to wed a pro athlete let me ask this. Could you marry a man with trust issues to begin with? Think about it, if this were a regular guy who worked a regular job and you felt that he may not be faithful to you, would you marry him anyway?
The first sign of lack of trust is the Prenuptial agreement. Unconditional love would never suggest such a thing and would be appalled at the thought. How could anyone consciously ask someone to sign a document saying that in the event the marriage doesn’t work you get X Y & Z? It baffles my mind when someone famous gets divorce and the media questions whether he or she has a prenuptial agreement. I always ask myself, what the hell was she or he thinking?
Do you know what a prenup does for marriages? It tells both parties that the marriage probably won’t last and they expect it not to. It also tells the person who is asked to sign it that they are worth a specific amount of cash, property etc if they agree to marry this person. That’s not love folks, its warped thinking by people who place material wealth above everything else, to include real love.
If for whatever reason my wife requested a divorce from me today, this is what I would do. I know this because we went through a rough patch a couple of years ago. We discussed divorce and legal separation and this is exactly what I told her; “I will not allow any attorney to determine who gets what in a marriage that they were never apart of. We’ll pick up the documents, we’ll fill them out together and you may have anything you want. All I really care about is having access to my children unconditionally. I told her that she could have any and all investments, the house, checking accounts and furnishings because I can start over. The most important thing to me was ensuring that the lives of my children didn’t change one bit.
Well we worked through it and fortunately we’re still together. In our society today it’s too damn easy to simply get a divorce. No one ever said that marriage was easy. However it can be if you chose to work together instead of quitting at the first sign of trouble.
Recently, we’ve seen Tiger Woods divorced, Dwayne Wade getting a divorce, Tony Parker and Eva Longoria called it splits earlier this week and although few know, Steve Nash and his wife are splitting as well. Oh, and the woman who Tony Parker is suspected of having an affair with is getting a divorce as well and her husband is a former NBA player, go figure.
A lot of these divorces can also be attributed to the choices these athletes make in their selection of the women they marry. Sit down and try to watch (to watch a whole episode is considered cruel and unusual punishment) a few minutes of “Basketball Wives”. It will allow you to understand why the divorce rate within this industry is so damn high.
However, in the midst of all of this drama and the carnage left behind with all of these divorces there are still a few players who still have solid marriages. After Magic Johnson’s announcement most women would have run, all the way to the bank. Not Cookie, she’s stood beside him through thick and thin. When Kobe had his indiscretion in that Colorado hotel, Vanessa could have taken him for everything if she chose, and instead she stood beside the man she loves. Guess what the both of these marriages have in common? Neither have a prenuptial agreement. They were both lucky enough to discover women who loved them unconditionally, not for what they can get.
Now before I go I want to share one more thing with you. Hillary Clinton didn’t leave Bill Clinton when he was being grilled by Republicans about his supposed affair with a White House intern. She could have and no one would have blamed her, instead she stood by her man. When asked about this, Hillary stated, “There are things that are far worse in marriage than infidelity”. Maybe she’s right?
“There is an innate desire in all creatures to grow…Yet in any type of growth and change something has to end for something new to begin” ~Unknown
Recently while I was surfing the web I noticed tons of advertising for books on “Getting your Ex back” everywhere. This made me wonder about the state of many relationships and I ask myself this question, which now I will pose to you; “Why would you want to get back with someone who broke your heart?”
Let that thought simmer in your brain for a minute and think back to all of the sleepless nights, laying in bed wondering if he was true to you, his selfish nature, cheating, lying, treating you like crap. Why in the world would anyone want to cross that bridge again?
My next question to you is, “If the relationship was so great, why did it end?” I will tell you, it ended because it was supposed to end. Relationships that we form over the years are really training zones to prepare us for the one we’re really supposed to be with in the end. Not every man who you date is the one for you, however with that said, most are simply there to educate you on what you do or do not want in the real man you’re seeking as a life mate.
Relationships are just like life, they are tests, a classroom full of experience. Some of you will graduate by learning how not to repeat the same mistakes and move on to the one you were intended for. Others will continue making mistakes, some bigger than others and make this process harder for themselves.
If you are jumping through hoops right now trying to win your ex back, you are making a big mistake. You have not learned your self-worth and simply do not understand that there is a man, a good man out there looking for you right now. One that is probably the man of your dreams, and he cannot find you or you him if you focus on a past relationship that failed.
When women suffer through pains and still try to rekindle a relationship with an ex, it’s not because of love. No it’s not, it’s because of comfort. You want him back because regardless of how miserable he made you, you were comfortable with him and you refuse to accept change.
You may like the way he makes love to you (when he does) or the way he looks, but everything else he does you may hate. This all goes back to what I wrote a long time ago, you can love him all you want, but if you don’t like him as a person why punish yourself by staying or attempting to get him back when it’s over?
It amazes me that we as people don’t understand that if the person you were with would not change to keep you, they will not change if you take them back. Why should they? By taking them back you are simply sending them a message that you will accept them for what they are and who they are.
If you chose to accept them back, then you need to understand that more than likely you will be right back at your break-up point within a few short weeks. The reason I tell you this is because there was no change, no effort, no resolution to speak of.
How many times have you been in a relationship and then it ends for whatever reason? We go through different emotional feelings as we attempt to adjust to this new change in our lives. The person we were with had been a fixture in our lives for months, weeks or even years and now there is a void where they once were.
Emotionally, we sometimes feel like the man who lost a leg in a Coal mining accident, the leg is long gone, however mentally it still itches from time to time. So there are times when we really mis our ex, like when we visit places that bring back old memories.
One thing about human nature is that we tend to block out bad memories, opting instead to hang onto the good ones. We remember our ex and we revert back to happier times, times long gone. You remember things like getting caught in the rain and he used his coat to keep you dry, and then gently kissed you for the first time on your front steps while he was soaking wet.
You tend to remember the day you wrecked your car and he showed up and held you close making sure you were ok all the while whispering that everything would be alright. You remember how when you first began he couldn’t stay away from you too long, he had to see you no matter how difficult it might be for him. Oh, and don’t forget the long lovemaking sessions that seemed like marathons and left you both exhausted and pleased on sweaty sheets.
All of these things you remember fondly and it makes you yearn for the good old days with the man you loved. However, in your mental Rolodex you’ve simply overlooked the fact that somewhere through time he had changed. You don’t think about the guy who wouldn’t return your calls in the end, always telling you how busy he was when he returned home. You’ve forgotten about how he spent hours surfing dating sites on the internet, complete with his own profile.
You’ve forgotten about how he made you feel when he screamed at you in public, and even the sting of humiliation has been omitted in your though process. Hey, what about the day when some random girl called him while you and he were watching a movie and he got up and talked to her in another room? Did you chose to forget about that as well?
What about the occasions when he came home late and you could have sworn that he smelled like women’s perfume, a perfume that wasn’t like yours? Or the times in the end where he simply didn’t want to touch you, let alone make love to you? Thinking back he was probably also very secretive during the last few months and became a person you hardly recognized.
The person we are with when a relationship ends is hardly the person we began with. We all change over time because this is simply human nature, however with that said the goal is to grow and change together not separately.
By now you may be thinking that not so long ago you and your ex broke-up and he was more like the person listed second than the man you originally started with. If this is the case then try asking yourself this question; “Didn’t you try to get him to revert back to the person he was before you chose to break up with him?”
He knew that if he didn’t change back then the possibility of you and he parting was very good. Apparently, he refused to change and now he’s your ex boyfriend for just this reason. Now for a second question, I have to ask this; “What on earth makes you think if you get back with him that he will change now?”
Lets look at where you are now and see if getting your ex back is a good idea for you? Currently, you are in a single situation. There is a multitude of available single men out there right now looking for a woman just like you. By failing to capitalize on the time you have to meet Mr. Right, You are simply hanging on to the past.
Right now, I am sure you have many of your girlfriends who are telling you the same thing and your thoughts are they simply do not know how you feel. In their haste to help you they are trying to set you up with men that they think you’ll like.
However, what they are really doing is introducing you to men that they like, because only you know what is really what you want and need in a man. So the next time they tell you that they found the perfect man for you, secretly you should know that they found the perfect man for them. Hey, as friends you can pick out shoes or dresses for one another, but selecting a man is something that you should do for yourself.
Now the other side of this equation is that you can give into your whims and try to get your ex back. Although the ending left a bad taste in your mouth, maybe he’ll really change and you two can rekindle your relationship magic and make things work this time. Or not!
If you’re willing to ignore the things that caused the break-up to begin with and accept all of his faults, you can make a go of it if he’s willing. You also may want to consider that the time that you two were apart if he was actually as heartbroken as you. If not, then he may not have waited for you as you did he. He may have dated, tasted his new-found freedom and enjoyed the company of a bevy of women seeking your replacement. If this is the case he may not be as eager to return to a relationship that he may feel was mundane as you are. Just a thought.
Now, before I end this I need to make something perfectly clear. I am sure that these books on “How to get your Ex back” are full of priceless information and they will serve many people well. However, with that said, I would like to point out that trying to get your ex back is easier if you can answer these questions; “Do you love him & is he worth trying to work it out?”
If your answers to both these are yes, then by all means arm yourself with the information in these books to assist you with making your dream come true of getting him back. I hope it works out for you in the end, and if it does, I’d love to hear about it so drop me a note and let me know if you would. Thank you in advance.
I get really good letters from women from around the world and I do my best to answer them all. Sometimes I receive one and it inspires me to write a post on it. Last week I was written to by a 19-year-old girl from Russia whom asked me this question. “Are there certain types of men women should not date?”
That was a very good question and after thinking about it for the last few days I decided to create a list for her. However, since I figured it could benefit my other readers as well I decided to post it here. While coming up with this list I decided to create it by taking into account all of the sorry ass men I have known in my life (to include the former me) and all of their characteristics.
I added to what I know by including information I have received about some so-called men from readers just like you, whom have unfortunately fallen prey to some of the dredges of society worldwide. Hopefully this information will assist some of you in the future and keep you from becoming victims of men who could really care less about you, but are good at faking their true feelings.
If any of the men I describe in this post reminds you of a former or even current boyfriend, please let us know by posting a comment. With that said, lets move on to this post:
9 Types of men you should never date:
#1- The Selfish Man: Selfish men can be described in a variety of ways. However, regardless of how you chose to describe them it all comes back to the same meaning, it’s all about them. Every single aspect of your relationship will be dictated by his quest to fulfill his own needs. From sex to support you will always be second when it comes to his needs being taken care of. You’ll quickly discover that with this type of man you are simply there to please him and to hell with you. Some women liken relationships with these types of men as fulfilling as playing second fiddle to a mistress.
Selfish men are the types of guys whom while you work hard to put food on the table he spends the day playing video games with his friends. To top that off, when you get home he expects you to cook for him and his friends. He’s the guy who when he takes you to dinner, you pay.
A selfish man is the guy who refuses to come and see you on his day off, but always has time to go hang out with his boys. He’s also the guy who lives by the mantra that he can do as he please in the relationship, however he criticizes you for what you do.
The selfish man is the guy who will not open your car door, help you carry groceries, never assist you with chores, he spends his money on what he likes but makes you explain what you purchased with yours. The list goes on and on, so I know you get my point.
#2- The Possessive Man: Where have you been? Why are you late coming home? You cannot wear that in public. Why do you need to go see your family? Welcome to some of your dating experience with a possessive man. Sadly though, these are just some of the negative things you’ll endure dealing with men of this type. They have also been known to be extremely jealous, aggressive and tend to have violent outbreaks. These outbreaks eventually will be aimed at you, especially if he fears that he may lose you. Women like to be loved, however when that love takes on a whole different meaning then there is a serious problem. What starts out as a mistaken case of jealousy could land you in a relationship where you are someones possession, just like a car, clothes, computers and more. Possessions that can be destroyed in a fit of anger.
Hey remember OJ? Drew Peterson? Or any of the other idiots whom went out and killed their wives, these are all possessive men. In the beginning his hints of jealousy is cute, in the end unfortunately it could be dangerous as well. Think about that the next time a boyfriend demands to know where you are or gets animated when you arrive home simply because you arrived later than he thought you should have. You also might want to pay particular attention when he attempts to separate you from your family and friends. If this happens, you may want to take this opportunity to get out of the relationship while you still can, and make sure that you let family members and friends know why you got out of this situation. Also, when some friend or family member tries to explain his behavior away by reminding you that he was just worried about your safety and that he loves you, tell them to date him and leave you the hell alone!
#3- The Dreamer: This list includes men whom capture you with their aspirations to be “Rock Stars”,” Actors”, “Rappers” or some other type of star that will make them tons of money and unfortunately leave you out in the cold. These men will do whatever it takes to get what they want out of life with the exception of holding down a steady job to assist you with keeping a roof over your heads or putting food on the table.
I wish I had a nickle for every woman I’ve ever met that wound up on a stripper pole because a dreamer assured her that the large sums of cash she’d make would help him get to the top so much sooner. Five years later and while she’s sliding around on strange mens laps to make a buck, he’s at home still no closer to becoming a star than when they first met. He on the other hand probably now has a drug addiction (because somehow he thought drugs would do for him what you couldn’t, inspire him) and he is probably spending more money than you could ever bring in, even if that club was open 24 hours a day.
Now, don’t get me wrong, occasionally one of these low life’s make it to the big time. However, guess who won’t be going with him? That’s right, you! Yep, as soon as he gets a taste of the good life he doesn’t need you anymore or any of the children you allowed him to (father, nope not a good word, lets say have) with you.
Oh and the main reason he’ll leave you behind? Because he’s just like the man I described above, he’s selfish!
#4- The Jail Bird: Who in their right mind would have anything to do with a man who simply cannot keep his life straight? This nonsense happens all the time and it’s simply without a doubt, STUPID! Life is hard enough without taking on the extra baggage of a man who is in trouble with law enforcement. There is nothing more devastating than having the local PD kick your door in at five o’clock in the morning and haul his sorry ass to jail while you stand there in your bath robe holding a crying 3-year-old.
These types of men are simply selfish, they only think about themselves and what the world can do for them. I can understand a single brush with the law, however multiple brushes are unacceptable. With a man like this you will never, ever, have a normal relationship, period! How can you when he’s in and out of jail.
It sickens me when men walk around trying to be hard. Whatever, hard is getting your sorry ass out of bed every morning to go to a real job. Hard is doing whatever it takes to keep your parents name clean. Hard is taking care of the woman you say you love by being there for her every single day, not just when you’re out on parole.
Sometimes I think that these men are actually closet homosexuals. Think about it, what man in his right mind wants to be surrounded by nothing but men for months on end with no females in sight. Then to get out of jail and a few months later they’re right back in, please!
#5- The Party Animal: It’s ok to go out and have fun every now and then, but if you get the wrong man, he may want to make everyday a party. That shit may be cute in College, but in the real world it’s B.S. I know guys whom have graduated College and landed great jobs, only to be fired for something as simple as a piss test.
Going out with his boys every night is childish. When a man has a beautiful woman whom wants nothing more to spend quality time with him, why in the world would he want to be out with a bunch of hard legs (men)? Moderation is the key and if he doesn’t understand that then he has no self-control and furthermore he lacks what you really need as his woman. Do you know what that is? It’s the ability to commit. If he was really intent on committing to you and only you, then he really has no reason to spend all of his time being the life of the party.
Guys like this crack me up because generally they come home unannounced, only to find that his girl had tired of his parting and gallivanting around as if he wasn’t in a relationship. In his absence she replaced him with someone a little more stable and then the party animal realises that the party is over and he’s heartbroken as if it’s her fault. Go figure. My brother once told me that women have needs, wants and desires, and if you’re not there to fulfill them, someone else surely will. I believe that to this day.
#6- The Player: Ah, the player, the guy who spends all his money on matching sweat suits and high-priced sneakers. He drives around in a BMW with a payment higher than most peoples mortgage, while he lives at home with his mom or other family member.
He’s the guy with the reputation and most women will ignore the warnings figuring that they will be different from every woman who has fallen before them. Wrong! The car looks fly and the gear he is wearing is off the chart, but underneath all of that glitz he’s still a loser.
Let me break it down for you in a manner in which anyone can understand, ok? Any man who spends 40 thousand dollars or above for a car and rents his home is a fool. Why, you may ask? Well, lets look at it this way, a vehicle is not an investment. The day you drive it off the lot, it depreciated 15%. So using 40 thousand as a marker, after signing the paper, handing over your cash and getting the keys to your brand new car, once you stick that key into the ignition it is now worth 34 thousand dollars if you tried to trade it in. Also since he’s driving this expensive car and renting his place to stay (providing he’s not staying with mom) he’s receiving no tax credits for paying someone elses mortgage. That’s what I call insane, and you and I see it every single day! Looks cool on the surface as these guys slowly drive by trying to get your attention, but underneath its pure lunacy.
Now, if he was an intelligent man this is what he would do. He would purchase his home first and even in this economy it’s easier most times to get a home loan than a car loan. This way he now is a home owner and he has a substantial investment. It doesn’t even have to be a single family dwelling, it can be an apartment. Either way he will receive a tax credit each and every year. Once he has his home secured then he purchases the vehicle, and since he’s a home owner it doesn’t have to be an expensive one at that. Why? Because which would you rather have a man with a Mercedes who lives with his mom or roommates? Or the man who drives a Honda and owns his own place? Make sense?
The man who subscribes to purchasing items for the future may look boring on the surface, but he understands that planning for his future wife and offspring are paramount to a happy and successful family. Doing it the other way around, not planning and living in the moment of simply looking good is a disaster for you as a woman to attempt to unravel later. Do you want to waste that much of your time?
#7- The Mammas Boy: It’s ok to love your mom, don’t get me wrong but when you allow your mother to dictate to you who you should date it’s a serious problem. Now my mother knew that she could have input into my dating selection, however that’s all it was, input. The final decision came down to me. Her feelings on this was simply, as long as I was happy, so was she regardless of whom I selected.
I’ve known people whom have been exiled out of families because of the woman they chose to date. It sounds crazy but it happens. However, when these issues happen I blame the man because as a man he hasn’t shown his mother that he is capable of making a sound decision on his own. He’s failed to show her that he is an adult and that this is his life and the woman he chose should be accepted because he and only he has the right to decide who is good enough for him.
I know moms mean well, however she needs to understand that if she is not happy with his selection then she too is at fault because he is simply working off of the values she instilled in him.
As a man, if he cannot take you home to meet his mom because of your color, nationality, religious beliefs or any other reason then he is not a man, he’s simply pretending to be. As a woman, why would you share your bed with a man who doesn’t have the intestinal fortitude (guts) to inform his mom and family that you are the one that makes him happy and you are the one that he will be keeping. Further telling them that they need to accept this fact and treat you as his girlfriend/wife in the manner in which he demands you be treated.
If he cannot do that for the love of you, then you need to kick his sorry ass to the curb because he is exactly the type of man you want to avoid, a mammas boy, pretending to be a man. She raised him, she needs to accept his decisions on who his mate is.
#8- The Seed Spreader: I call these guys this because they have children everywhere. I know a young woman and one day while working together a few years ago she introduced me to her then boyfriend. He was a pretty nice guy and she was really in love with him. A few months later she was pregnant and while pregnant she became really moody one day and began to vent her frustrations to me. It came out that he couldn’t keep a job and it was driving her crazy, especially since they had a child coming. I inquired as to what the problem was and she confided in me that he had five other children by three different women and whenever he got settled into a job the State would find out and garnish his wages leaving him with basically no pay. So to combat this he would simply quit and move on to another job, so he could receive some money before the State discovered and took it all for back child support.
I had to ask if she knew about this before deciding to have a child with him? She informed me that since they had only recently moved in together she had just discovered this issue and it was driving her insane.
Why any man would father children with multiple women is a mystery to me. However, the bigger mystery is why women would even consider a man whom are in this situation? There is no future to be had with any man whom has allowed himself to fit this label. In today’s society whenever you are offered a job in most states they have you sign a document informing them if you are responsible for paying child support or not. If you lie on the form, once the Department of Human Services catch up with you (they monitor your social security number) and it is determined that you are supposed to pay child support then the company can terminate you for lying on your initial application. So unless he has mad skills and makes a shit load of money, chances are he’ll never have enough to take care of you and any children you may have.
This type of reckless behavior causes havoc in all the participants lives, especially the women and children he left behind. These types of people is exactly why I cannot stand to watch “Maury”, because in reality Maury Povich is reckless too. What his ass should be doing is not only conducting paternity tests but he should be making his guest undergo AIDs testing as well. Com’ on could you really date a guy who may be one of eight to have fathered some girls baby? Damn, just thinking about that makes me want to run and take a shower.
#9- The Victim: Ever had a boyfriend who thought the world was out to get him? His ass was always complaining about why he couldn’t get ahead and it was always someone elses fault. He didn’t get a raise because he was a white male, or a black man. Never once will he tell you the truth and tell you that he didn’t get the job because he’s lazy as hell and will not do what it takes to get ahead.
He gets pulled over by a cop and although the windows of his car are tinted, he complains that because of his race or ethnicity he was profiled. Even though you both know that the cop had no idea who was driving because he couldn’t see in the damn car.
This type of guy is always the victim and it’s always someone elses fault. He always complain that because he refuses to kiss ass at work they won’t promote him, or the guy that got promoted plays golf with the boss. He’ll attempt something like start his own business and if it doesn’t succeed he’ll blame God before he’ll assume responsibility of its failure.
To him success or failure is based on luck. “Oh he’s just lucky is what he’ll say whenever something good happens to a friend or relative. He’ll go through his whole life (and yours too if you let him) making excuses for his own failures without ever accepting responsibility.
So the next time he calls someone who he should compliment, lucky. You tell him this, “The formula for luck, is when preparation meets opportunity.”
I hope that this list will assist some of you and help you avoid some real sorry men within our society. Love is blind, I know, however in the beginning, just for a minute before you lose your sight, you may see some of the characteristics in him that you read here today. If you do, I hope you have the presence of mind to take a step back and view him in a different light, because the next step that you take could be one that harms you or saves you from heartbreak or worse. I hope you make the wise decision. Good luck all.
“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship”
There are many ways that men and women differ from one another. However, one way that we definately differ is in the way that we perceive things. Men have a way of determining how they feel about things based on being able to touch it, squeeze it and feel it. Women on the other hand base their feelings about things on how it makes them feel inside. Women are keenly aware of spoken words and the meanings behind them, or what they hope are the meanings behind them.
Several times in this blog I have stated that it is important to ensure that actions match the words of any man you are in a relationship with. I’ve said this because words can cause your perception of your actual relationship to be better or worse than what it really is. However, by measuring his words by his actions it will allow you to get a better reading on where the relationship really stands.
How many of you are in relationships with men whom verbally worship you, but aren’t consistant in their actions? It’s easy to tell a woman that you love her, but if you really don’t it’s difficult to maintain treating her like a queen. However by consitantly telling you that he loves you, you may overlook the obvious and hang on to his words for an extended period of time. Why? Because verbally he has informed you that you are the one, and your perception is altered to fit that image.
In order to make this perception even more real for you he occassionally does things that reinforce what he has told you verbally. During these times it is really difficult to determine if his love is real or not. Why? Because this show of love may have been preceeded or followed by an event that displayed disrespect, dishonor, abuse, infidelity or worse.
Real love is above everything else, consistant. Yes, there will be times when questions will arise where you are not sure that he indeed loves you. However, those times will be seldom and simply by reviewing your relationship past you will see the consistancy and most times it will pass.
Now if you are in a relationship where you often question his real feelings for you, then you may want to review your relationship in a different manner. People are creatures of habit. You may look back on your relationship and if you do it objectively you may see a pattern. If the pattern is there it may show you a disturbing look at how your perception kept you in a relationship that was simply not real, at least not for him.
Looking back you may observe that he only reinforced his love for you after events that could have cause the relationship to end. Looking back you may see a pattern of arguments and then him professing his love for you. You may see that after the event he bagan paying more attention to you. He may at this time increased the amount of calls to you, began to be more available to you and began doing things that he hadn’t done since the beginning of your relationship.
Looking back you may see that this situation has been replayed over and over again throughout your time together. If it has, then you are the victim of your own perception of your relationship. A perception that he has assisted you in creating and maintaining over the life of your time together.
Have you ever had a girlfriend whom was in a relationship with a guy you simply felt was not good to her or for her? Of course you have, we all have. However, whenever you talked to her about her situation she assured you that he wasn’t as bad as you and her other friends thought, he was simply misunderstood. She assured you that the relationship was fine and that he really loved her.
This is her perception, this is what she feels and nothing you could say will make her see it any other way. Regardless of how many times you tell her there are better men out there for her or how she is too pretty to waste her time on a loser like him, she simply will not see him any other way.
You on the other hand are viewing the relationship from a different angle. Since you are not emotionally attatched as she is, you posess the ability to see him for what and who he actually is. All you can do is to be there for you friend and help pick up the pieces when her fake relationship eventually falls apart.
We all want to love and be loved, we have a desire to be wanted and sometimes this desire is what causes us so much pain in life. Not everyone understands that when you tell someone that you love them that you really should, or not say it at all. Some people tell you these words because they know that its what you want to hear.
There is something magical about the sound of someone you have feelings for telling you that they “Love You.” We crave that need to be loved, to be held and to be wanted. Those three words conjour up the perception of fairy tales, and three other words we learned as kids, “Happily Ever After.” Unfortunately, just like in those fairy tales that we read as kids, in life there are evil people who will fool you into getting what they want.
So be careful with your heart and with all relationships make sure that you measure his actions against his words at all times. If the time comes where there is a big difference in the two make a serious check of your perception. Its bad enough that he may be fooling you, its even worse when you are fooling yourself.
“Like a compass needle that points north, a man’s accusing finger always finds a woman. Always.” — Khaled Hosseini
Of all the posts I have written over the last year, this is by far my most difficult. I had tried to stay away from this situation just as I had avoided the Rhianna/ Chris Brown incident. I simply felt that with the media’s bombardment of it, you’d get tired of it and anything I wrote at the time would fall on death ears. Above that was the single most important fact of life, Love is never supposed to result in death. It’s supposed to create life, never it’s opposite.
So here I am writing this post because we need to learn something from this tragedy and you damn sure will not get the real lesson from our mainstream media.
For those of you that do not know about this incident and I am sure that there are very few of you, I will provide a short recap and then we’ll move on to why this post was written.
Steve McNair was an American Icon in the World of Professional Football, the NFL. He was married with several children and had recently retired at age 36. His contributions to humanity through his Foundation are well known in Nashville and beyond. He was a man that on sight could disarm you with a smile that was contagious.
Sahel Kazemi was a beautiful, young and vibrant 20 year old Iranian immigrant. She was well loved by her family and friends and had her whole life before her. According to reports she had been involved in a somewhat volatile relationship with a previous boyfriend before a chance meeting with McNair whom had visited a restaurant where she was employed as a waitress.
On July 4th of 2009, the bodies of both McNair and Kazemi were discovered in the living room of an apartment that he co-owned in the Nashville area. Police have labeled it a murder/suicide, stating that McNair was shot while he slept on the couch by Kazemi, whom then turned the gun on herself. The two had been in a relationship according to reports for approximately 4 months.
I am and will always be a Steve McNair fan, but this post is not really about him. This post is about Sahel Kazemi and the lessons that we can all learn from her actions. I am not about to condemn either of these two people for what occurred on that fatal day in July or before. What I will do is try to make sense of what happened in hope that someone who reads this and has contemplated the same actions will rethink it and chose another course of action.
Steve McNair was a victim, but although the media fails to state this so was Sahel Kazemi. Many people would disagree with that statement, but it’s true. We just chose to ignore her plight because she unfortunately took a mans life. A very well known and loved man whom made us feel good about ourselves when he was entertaining us each and every Sunday.
Football is a violent sport, we know it is and of course no one knows it as well as the men who play it. It also comes with a lot of adulation. Millions of fans pack NFL stadiums each and every year with hopes of coming into contact with greatness. Football players sell us products, ask us to support the “United Way”, they make us laugh and they show that they are human, and yes they even make mistakes.
However, because of who they are generally they are soon forgiven. Could you imagine walking out of a tunnel to 70 thousand people chanting your name and 10 thousand people wearing a jersey with your name on the back? Could you imagine earning more money then some third world countries gross domestic product? They have it all, and then after several years it’s over.
Steve McNair was retired at 36, the average American will not retire if they do at all until probably 70. Now retirement for pro athletes is entirely different than the retirement of normal citizens. Many are still young enough to play mentally, however physically it’s a different story all together. Most don’t take retirement lightly, they have problems adjusting to life after football.
Ask Lawrence Taylor who turned to crack cocaine after his retirement. Many others become addicted to prescription drugs or even selling drugs after retirement. Why? They need something to fill that void in their lives that all that adulation created, they miss the excitement, the energy, the contact and other things that go along with playing the game.
I think and this is my own opinion, to fill that void in his life Steve replaced it with women.
This is why I suggested above that Sahel Kazemi is a victim as well. She was a 20 year old impressionable woman and into her life walked this man who was much larger than life itself.
He wined her, dined her, bedded her and for all intense and purposes was about to dump her. Now the police speculate that Sahel committed this tragedy because Steve was not about to leave his wife as she had been led to believe. I call this speculation absurd.
If they were together while he was married it wouldn’t really matter if he stayed married or not. Nothing would really change by him getting a divorce, even if he chose to marry her. They were already in a relationship.
No, I think that this tragedy occurred because in her mind she had convinced herself that he really loved her. He had shown her love, kindness, financial and emotional support, took her on trips that she could only dream of and made her feel special like no man before him had ever done.
In return she gave him all that she had, love, trust and herself. This young beautiful woman believed everything he had told her. Why shouldn’t she? We believed him enough to buy products he hawked, or to made donations to his charities or Foundation. If we believed him and we only knew him from watching him on that idiot box in our living room, why would a young impressionable woman sharing his bed not?
In the end it wasn’t the premise of him not leaving his wife that caused this horrible event. It was decided the night, when she realized that Steve had lied to her. The night that she discovered that there was another woman he was seeing as well.
We’ve all had heartbreaks, none are ever good and we each deal with them in our own ways. I’ve known people to stop eating, lose sleep and weight, go on drinking binges and worse, in an effort to dull the pain of a broken heart.
People have said that heartbreak is the worst pain any person should ever have to suffer. I agree, I’ve had my share, and recklessly I even caused a few.
So now, try to place yourself in Sahels shoes for one moment and look at things from the eyes of a 20 year old trying to come to grips with the fact that a man she adores, a man bigger than life is cheating on her with another woman.
Remember when you discovered a man was cheating on you? How did you feel? What were you thinking? Anger, revenge, hurt, disgust, pain, suffering, confusion and more is what comes to mind when I think back. These are feelings I pray no one ever has to repeat or go through.
As I said, we all respond to heartbreak differently. Very few people (luckily) chose the path of Sahel. We can all say that she could have done something different, but we weren’t her were we?
We can only speculate how she could have really felt and even then we’d come up short.
How many people have made the statement, “If I can’t have you, then no one will” in a relationship? It happens all the time, love is a contact sport even if we don’t believe it is. Hearts are broken at will, we fail to realise that our dealings with people are actually dealings with raw emotion. We have to take responsibility for our actions, we need to look at all of our relationships from our significant others point of view. Ask yourself, how will this decision I make effect them? How would you feel if the role was reversed? Don’t you deserve to know?
If we refuse to learn from this incident and begin to examine our relationships closely from both parties vantage point then this type of incident will occur again. The next time, it may not be a professional athlete, it could be you or I for that matter.
Love is not a game as some have handsomely labeled it. It’s life, and in this case, death.
Sahel is not the monster that the media portrays her to be, she is simply another victim of this so called game called love. We do her a great injustice by not viewing her as what she really was, a young impressionable young woman caught up in a web of lies and deceit. A woman who dealt with it the only way she knew how, removing the man she loved from this world and then following after him.
I pray that no one ever again loses their life in the name of so called love. I call it this because as I’ve said in many of my previous posts, it is wrong to ever love anyone more than you love yourself.
I end this by saying goodbye to both Steve and Sahel and I hope that we all can learn from this unfortunate incident, so that it may never repeat itself again.
Thank you for taking the time to read this post.
P.S To anyone whom feels the need to bash this post for whatever reason of their choosing, please save it. I’m too busy mourning the unnecessary loss of two beautiful people to really care.
Most people say that there are no true aphrodisiacs other then human scent. You know the smell of a male or female and the effect that it has on one another. I disagree, I think that the one true aphrodisiac in the world is a kiss. Not the peck that you plant on the check of your friend or family member, but the deep intense kiss that you receive from a man of interest.
You know the one I am talking about. The kiss that makes you weak in the knees and slightly moist in the region slightly above them. The type of kiss that makes you feel as though the room is spinning and you have butterflies in your stomach just thinking about it. The type of kiss that makes you blush just thinking about it now.
How many women of you have had this type of kiss and although it was a first or second date, because of it’s intensity lead you to go further than you had planned. Many women have been fooled by a long facial embrace and mistook it for what what it could lead up to and not what it actually was, passion. If the passion and the chemistry are just right anything can happen. How do you think women end up in one night stands?
Since I brought up the topic of “One night Stands”, let me take this moment to explain something from a mans prospective on this phenomenon. One night stands usually become that because one party believes that the intensity and passion can never be re-created and therefore there is no reason to try. The mood, feelings, emotions were as such that to try to make anything out of it would be foolish. Not! I sounded like a man huh? Trying to rationalize why men take advantage of women. Sorry about that, I’ll try to stay on point from now on.
The kiss, women love it. Men do as well, however they tend to down play it to maintain their masculinity. Very few men run back to their friends and boast about how good a kisser you are. Sorry. However, women do and men know it. Therefore to get you into the mood and into bed we put a whole lot of effort into that first kiss when the time comes.
As men we know that if done properly, you’ll melt and we can have our way. If not right now, very, very soon. If we fail to bed you at this time, we simply want you to walk away with that feeling in your stomach that you’ve just been kissed for real. No pressing of lips or that cheek thing that we all do to relatives and close friends, but seriously, deeply and intimately kissed that will have us on your minds all day and night, and conjures up images of things we will do to you in the near future. Our goal as men is for you to walk away thinking that you’ve just had “your last first kiss!” That’s how good we want it to be.
Kissing like this is personal, deeply personal. Why do you think that as a rule Prostitutes refuse to kiss clients? For this very reason, if done properly she wouldn’t make much money for one. She’d possibly feel that she had feelings for her customer and therefore become uncomfortable with charging him for making love to her. That, and the fact that pimps make it a rule that they are never to kiss any client on the lips. Remember “Pretty Woman?” Julia Roberts roommate chastised her for kissing Richard Gere, stating, “Didn’t I teach you anything?”
Do you remember the first kiss with the one you are with now? I know that you do. Now my next question is when is the last time he kissed you like that?
Men don’t remember kisses, I am sorry to say. After awhile we tend to kiss you like that only when it leads to making love. This is sad, because if as men we remembered that the way we kissed you in the beginning continued long after we captured your heart we would never ever have to worry about you becoming content. We would never have to worry about any other man taking our place. We would never ever have to worry about our relationships period!
I’ve been married for quite some time now and I make it a habit of kissing my wife like the first time at a minimal of once a week. Why? Most men would ask. Because I need for her to understand that I still desire her after all these years. I don’t do it for the sex, although it helps sometimes, but I do it because I want to be the one on her mind. I purposely do it sometimes before she leaves for work, because I want her to think about me all day. I do it before I leave for work at times because once again, I want her to think about me all damn day. I want her to know that the passion and fire that ignited with our very first kiss years ago is still burning hot years later and I desire her just as much today as I did then and more. Why you may ask? Because if you really want to keep someone forever you have to show how you feel about them, each and every day. Nothing shows how much you care as a real, deep, meaningful kiss to say, “I still love you and only you!”
Now, for each and everyone of you that have a man, ask yourself this question? When was the last time he kissed you and really meant it? When was the last time that he kissed you and you said “WOW”? When was the last time he kissed you and it made you want to stay home from work just to spend the day with him? If that time was too long for you to remember, it’s time for you to remind him. Let him know what he is missing and how the lack of this passion is possibly wrecking your relationship. Because if the passion that started the fire is not there anymore, then you’re only in the relationship because you’re content or comfortable and possibly both.
Women need passion, it’s what makes them beautiful. They glow when there is passion in their lives and you are no different. Make him assist you in rekindling that passion and make you feel desired because you deserve it. All women deserve it and you my beautiful one are no different.
If for whatever reason he simply will not conform to you suggestion, politely explain the obvious to him. Every women is delighted to know that for every women that is married, or in a relationship there is a good man that wishes she weren’t! He’ll get the hint and hopefully the passion will return. For your sake I hope it does, you deserve it so much, to feel like everyday is the first day of your relationship. To be desired by the man you love and who loves you and expresses it in his kiss, like the very first kiss you two ever shared.
Now I must leave you, my wife will be home shortly and I need to remind her just how important she is to me and how much I love her still to this day. And you know what? I’ll be doing it with a kiss, the exact same type of kiss that made her mine years ago before children and a mortgage and car payments and work and everything that we men use as excuses for not doing our job as men. Because in the end, that one slow, long passionate kiss makes everything we’ve been through worth it. She doesn’t know I know this, but I do. Hopefully your man does too. If not he’s depriving not only you but himself as well.