Why no man should ever Kiss and Tell


I had readied another post to be displayed today and when I was about to publish it, my phone rang. An old College friend called and hell, we hadn’t talked in over 10 years.

As always with old friends you tend to catch up on what has occurred in each others lives in your absence. We both have children and unfortunately, he’s divorced, twice!

We laughed about that and I asked how he didn’t learn his lesson the first time. He informed me through laughter that those were simply dress rehearsals for the true love in his life which happens to be a young woman he met in Beijing, China. I wished him well and he thanked me after informing me that she is definitely the one. My friend, always the optimist.

During our conversation he brought up names of people I hadn’t thought about in eons. With each name we fondly remembered funny stories about old friends and classmates. He brought up an incident that occurred during our time in school and even today, many years later,it still made me laugh.

After hanging up with a smile on my face from reminiscing, I thought about that story and laughed again. When I got back on my computer to complete the post I was about to publish, that story was still fresh in my mind and I don’t know why, but I felt that some of you would get a real kick out of it. Especially those of you who have been confronted with the same type of embarrassing situation.

So, I’ve decided to write about it here for you to decide for yourselves if you think it’s funny or not. Oh, and if it’s not funny to you, maybe you simply had to be there to see the humor in it. Lol.

I am sure that many of you have done somethings with men or boys that you’d just assume would remain between the two of you. However, when that man or boy betrays your trust, it can be somewhat embarrassing, to say the least.

In College, men or rather boys for whatever odd reason feel the need to boast about their conquests, if you know what I mean. Oh, before I go on please let me clarify that statement- not me! I learned my lesson in my senior year of high school. I talked a College Junior into coming by my home to entertain me since I was home for the weekend alone. Only problem was she told me that she would drop by after a party she wanted to attend. My dumb ass made a Cardinal sin, I spoke out of turn. Who do you tell secrets to? Your best friends, that’s who. So after telling my two best friends of what I had set up, I felt like the big man on campus. Damn, a college junior to boot.

Well, unfortunately they went to the same party. After a few beers, one of my friends opened his mouth and informed her that I was home waiting for her to arrive. Damn, I get a phone call and she’s not happy. I can still remember her exact words to me: “You talk to much, and I refuse to deal with anyone who tells my personal business”, and then she hung up on me. I learned a very important lesson that night, anything that is to occur or has occurred between a man and a woman, should remain solely between them and no one else, ever.

Sorry I got off track, lets get back to the original story. Well some guys never learn this lesson and as with this story it can catch up to you when you least expect it.

So, Frank (not his real name, of course) supposedly had a sexual tryst with Tammy (made up name as well). He couldn’t wait to tell all of us that were his friends. He was really excited about the fact that he had finally got to sleep with her, which had been his dream since the day we set foot on campus as snot nosed freshman.

Now, since the campus had only approximately 20 thousand students and that included a vast majority who commuted to class each day, exactly how long do you think it would take for this story to travel across campus? If you said not long, you’re right!

Now Frank whom I hadn’t talked to in years was a really nice guy, but he was always trying to fit in somewhere. He was really harmless and a bit spoiled since he was the only child of an affluent family. Looking back, he was always trying to impress us in one way or another. But what the hell, we were in college and everyone was trying to find their identities.

Now Tammy, she was drop dead beautiful and she knew it (as of course did all of us). Funny thing though, most men don’t understand this but sometimes beauty has a mean streak in it. Frank didn’t know it, and looking back I wish I had warned him about it. The first time I laid eyes on Tammy I was sitting in the lobby of the female’s dorm and she and several other upperclassmen came through. A football player, I cannot recall his name to save my life, made the mistake of telling her how nice she looked on this particular day. Wrong move! She looked at him and stated, “I don’t need you to tell me how I look!” She continued on through the lobby and other guys sitting around tried to contain their laughter. I knew the guy was embarrassed, but hey, he should have kept that thought to himself.

On another note, later I got to see the weak side of her as well. Somehow I became friends with her boyfriend and he didn’t treat her all that well. Once after I had been to her room with him on several occasions, he asked me to meet him there. I arrived and he wasn’t there, it was just she and I. After about 30 minutes I became impatient and was about to leave when she began crying. Hell, I was only 18 and she wasn’t my girl so the last thing I wanted to do was comfort someone else s girlfriend when this had absolutely nothing to do with me.

She confided in me that night that their relationship wasn’t very good and that he had at least one other girlfriend on campus and one in his hometown. What really bothered me about this whole thing is something I’d like to ask all women whom are like her. How can one-day you seem so confident (the incident in the lobby) and the next day you’re crying over a man that you know is clearly worthless? I’m confused, however if any of you would like to enlighten me on this matter, I would certainly welcome it.

Back to her and the Frank incident. Her boyfriend soon left college apparently because his hometown girlfriend was having his baby, at least that’s what she (Tammy) told me, which I am sure is the reason that she ended up spending the night in Franks room after a party.

Poor Frank, he really should have kept this whole thing a secret for two reasons. One being that it could have possibly developed into so much more and secondly he may have never had to face the music about a week later. That is exactly how long it took for this story to travel around campus and get back to her.

It was after lunch and as usual on the day of basketball games everyone hung out at the Student Union. Frank and I were sitting at a table with several other basketball players and my roommate. Everyone was having a great time, that is until the cheerleaders showed up. Oh, did I forget to mention that Tammy was also the head cheerleader?

When they came in some of the guys around started giving Frank pats on the back, that’s how big this story had gotten. He was a little embarrassed to say the least, telling people probably sounded like a good idea in the beginning but, wow.

The cheerleaders went to the customary booths where guys with no self confidence could ogle them and guys with too much confidence could get shot down in front of everyone.

After what seemed like a line of guys had past, most acknowledging Frank in a manner I’d never even sen before. From her vantage point Tammy could see our table and I think this ritual of men heaping praise on him for what should have been a private moment simply got the best of her. She walked over to the DJ that was there every game day, to try to get the students pumped up before game time. After the song went off, he handed her the mike, and the floor. All I can remember thinking was, “this is not going to be nice.”

She started by talking about the upcoming game and got everyone revved up, as people started pounding on tables and clapping. Then she stated that she needed to end with a personal note. She looked across to our table and said, “Frank, stand up!” Now, I knew that this wasn’t going to be good.

People started chanting Frank, Frank, Frank! Like he was on the basketball team. He didn’t stand but all eyes were on him anyway. She continued by saying, that she was sure that many of the students had probably heard the tale of a night of passion shared by she and Frank. With that admission, students started whistling and cheering even more.

Then she smiled and dropped a bomb on everyone there. She said, this story would have been true, however Frank left out one very important detail. Really smiling now and about to laugh, she screamed, He couldn’t get an erection! Ouch!

Damn, now all eyes were truly on Frank and he laughed, as we all did. People in the room laughed because they thought it was a funny and embarrassing situation for Frank. Frank my roommate and I laughed because we knew it was payback for him breaking an unwritten code between men and women- don’t kiss and tell. We also laughed because by her making the statement, she verified that which we already knew was true, Frank was telling the truth. However, he still should have kept it to himself.

After the game I was on my way to the locker room and Tammy ran up to me to congratulate me on a great game. After giving me a courtesy hug, she asked if I could come to her room after I was dressed. Stating that she wanted to talk to me about something.

When I arrived, she was as beautiful as ever, however, she was sad. She went on to tell me that she thought Frank was different and that she felt that he had betrayed her confidence. She stated that as with all of us, we have a reputation to uphold and she refused to have it damaged by someone who was simply too immature to understand this.

She then asked if I would mind apologizing to him for her. She went on to say that she would feel uncomfortable talking to him at this time. I informed her that I would talk to him, and then I asked a question of my own. I started by saying that I knew that it was none of my business, but I wanted to know if his story was true. She smiled sheepishly, and stated, “he’s your friend, you tell me.” We both laughed and she hugged me and I was off to my dorm room for a beer celebration for the win.

Now, before you determine how you feel about this story and how she handled it, I think I should warn you that it does have a happy ending. Yep! They’ve been married for 18 years and have three beautiful children to show for it.

You see, Frank manned up, apologized for his speaking out on a private matter and promised never to do anything like that ever again. She forgave him because he really meant no harm, he was simply so happy to have had the opportunity to be with her he couldn’t contain it.

After I sat down and began writing this post, I dusted off my old address book and called Frank. They still have the same number after all these years. When he answered the phone not knowing who was calling him from Vegas, I quickly said, “Hey remember that time Tammy busted you out for telling her business?” He started laughing and soon she was on the other line taking up for him. It’s great to have friends and even better to have friends for life.

Advertisements

50 Good reasons you should be in a relationship- Part 1


Wow! I was trying to sleep and unfortunately I simply couldn’t. So I dragged my pillow out to the couch and turned on that idiot box in the family room.

I figured I could locate something so boring at 3am, that I would be forced into sleep quickly. Re-runs usually do that for me. Unfortunately, even a few of those didn’t seem to be working.

After channel surfing for what seemed to be ions, I finally dozed off while watching some movie that I cannot for the life of me remember.

What I do remember was that it was in black and white, which means that it was really old. Other than that I recall that instead of actually falling into a dead sleep, I fell just enough asleep where I could still hear the dialog in my head.

In one particular scene the male lead asked his female counterpart an important question. He asked, “give me one good reason why we should be together?” and her reply, ” I can give you 100!”

That thought somehow sunk into my subconscious and when I awoke a few hours later, this dialog was stuck in my head.
So I figured this must have some meaning or purpose, right?
Well, if you know what it means please clue me in, OK?

So since by now you probably realize that I am clueless, I figured I would try to make sense of this all by writing this post. So today I will attempt to give you 50 reasons to be in a relationship. Hey, I’m a guy so even 50 is a stretch.

The female in the movie said she could give him 100 reason, right? She said this probably 50 years ago, today I should be able to do at least 50, or at least I hope I can. Wish me luck!

1) Because no one wants to be alone:

That’s right, you’ll meet some guys who profess that they enjoy being single. Some women say this same line of B.S. They’ll go on about how happy they are to be alone, and how they can do whatever they please without asking for anyone’s permission.

This lie sounds good on the surface, however if they really enjoy being alone so much, why in the hell are they calling you all the time asking to go hang out? Any relationship, well almost any (excluding abusive ones) is so much better than going home to an empty apartment to a cat/dog.

Now don’t get me wrong, I like animals but being in the company of someone you can talk and laugh with is so much more fun.

2) The special way they look at you:

Ever watch the way your friends significant other looks at them? The love is in the eyes. You can tell a lot about how a man feels about a woman just by the way he looks at her. You know something else? Women know it, they can feel his eyes gazing over them and they glow in the knowledge of being loved.

3) Missing someone:

Knowing that the person you love may be gone for whatever reason, but knowing that they will soon be back in your arms again! The anticipation is overwhelming.

4) The way they smell:

When you’re with someone they have a special smell, a scent. It can be a certain cologne, perfume or body lotion they wear. After they’re gone and you lay your head on your pillow and that scent takes you back in time.

I had a girlfriend in College and years later I walked into a Department Store and caught the scent of the perfume she used to wear. It was like I had traveled back in time, well until my wife interrupted me and asked me about the silly grin I had on my face.

5) Breaking up:

Not permanently! But those break-up where you have some silly little disagreement and you go to your place and your significant other to theirs. You both swear that you won’t call one another again, however you both jump at your cell phones with each ring hoping its the other.

Finally, one of you gives in and calls and the other is relieved because they were on the verge of calling anyway. Then you make up, promising to never let a simple misunderstanding come between you again, ever. Then you know what comes next?

6) Make-up Sex:

I don’t even have to explain this one do I? Some people pick arguments and break-up just to get this reward. If you’re one of those people, you’re sick, but if it works, more power to you!

7) Short vacations together:

There’s nothing like taking a short vacation with someone you love. Ever been to a Bed and Breakfast in Vermont in the Fall? How about driving up the Pacific Coast Highway to Monterrey, California and spending the weekend in Carmel?

Taking short trips to places neither of you have ever been is fun and exciting. It allows you the opportunity to talk, just the two of you and explore new places together.

8) Having someone to go to the movies with:

Yeah, you can go to the movies with your friends if you want to.  However, I get the feeling that theaters and Drive-ins were actually made for lovers. How else could you explain the necessity to create horror movies? Besides that, these places are dimly lit and the seats are very close together so that you can hold hands or cuddle in the dark.

Note: Anything more than cuddling could get you thrown out, so be careful.

9) It makes it easier to turn down guys you didn’t want to go out with anyway:

Thanks for asking, but I’m in a relationship. No harm, no foul. You just let him down very easily without hurting his feelings. He is able to walk away with his dignity still intact.

10) Someone listens to you:

Some days we go through life feeling as though we’re invisible. It’s like no one can see or hear us and its enough to make you want to scream. However, when you’re in a relationship you know that at least one person on this planet cares what you think and is willing to listen.

11) Butterflies:

No not the ones you see in the garden. The ones that float around in your stomach when you are with the person you love. In the beginning I have to admit they can seem more like birds than butterflies, but its all good. Don’t you agree?

12) The possibilities:

The idea that this could be your last first date or kiss for that matter. Building a new relationship is fun and exciting especially when you are positive that there is a future for it.

13) Starting over:

Ok, so your last relationship failed. A new start is generally what the doctor ordered. You should have learned a lot with your last mate. With a new mate you can put that experience into good use. There is nothing like getting a fresh new start in love.

14) Caring for someone:

It has been said that being in love is when the needs of another become more important than your own. So I guess that truly successful relationships mean that both parties subscribe to this same line of thought. End result, a well balanced love affair.

15) Late night phone conversations:

Remember when you first started out in your relationship and you’d get all excited when your phone would ring because you knew who would be on the other end? How many of you have played that game late at night after you’d been talking for hours? You know the game, right? No, you hang up,no, you hang up. Ok, lets hang up together. We’ve all played that game at least once in our lives haven’t we?

16) The anticipation of seeing that special someone again:

Getting dressed for school or work and knowing that you’ll see the person that makes your heart beat faster brings a smile to your face. You simply cannot wait to see their smiling face again and hopefully, just hopefully they’ll brush up against you or touch your hand.

17) The glow that you exude when you’re in love:

Isn’t it amazing that your friends know when you’re in love or have special feelings for someone? It’s all in the smile. You cannot hide it, love makes not smiling impossible. Even when you don’t know it you’ve got this silly little smile on your face and your mind is in a different place, a happy place. Smiling during these great times is akin to glowing. Everyone knows you’re in love.

18) The possibility of getting married:

Yep, I said it. I think all relationships begin with the thought that he/she may be the one to permanently take us off the market.  Is he/she that person? We’ll never know unless we try, right?

19) Having someone to be silly with:

 Ever notice how being in love brings out the silliness in us all? People whom are thought of as always deadly serious can surprise you when they are in love. There is nothing more enchanting than to discover that the grizzle bear of a man you met is actually a puppy at heart.

20) Getting recognized as the significant other:

Hi, aren’t you so-and-so’s girlfriend? Everyone wants a label in life and women really enjoy it, particularly when its a guy that they really like and wasn’t sure how he really felt about them. This all goes out the window as soon as you’re at an outing and someone identifies you as his girlfriend. It’s even more exciting when that someone is his mother, father or someone very close to him.

21) Surprises!:

Everyone likes surprises, even if we profess that we don’t. There is nothing like receiving a small token of appreciation that not only did you not ask for, but you didn’t expect to receive.  It’s even equally satisfying when it’s a gesture of love.  Roses are always a positive sign. If they’re sent to your work place, he gets even higher marks because he just made you the center of attention for all the co-workers that are unappreciated in their current relationships.

22) Getting to know someone:

Ever dated a person and discovered that they were entirely different than what you could have ever thought? Not in a bad way, but in a very good way.  like finding out that a guy you thought was a player, really loved kids and expressed his plans for when he finally had children of his own? Or the guy that you thought was anti-social who was the life of the party within the confines of his close family and friends? Discovering the real person is exciting and fun, don’t you think?

23) Holding hands:

It’s funny how you ex boyfriend detested holding hands in the end. However, in the beginning he wanted to hold your hand everywhere you two went to assure that everyone knew you were his. This phenomenon occurs with some men over time, however there are still many who continue to do this long after the newness of the relationship wears off. Maybe your next one will be like this.

24) Anticipating that first kiss:

So the first date went great and now he’s driving you home. You and he chit chat about various topics as you determine exactly how much you have in common. The problem is that you’re in a fog? Why? Because your answers aren’t as sharp as you’d like. You simply cannot focus on the words you’re hearing. It’s ok, because his responses aren’t as sharp as he’d like as well.

In case you didn’t know it’s because you both are preoccupied with what may happen next. You’re wondering if he will kiss you good night and trying to determine if you should allow him to or not. Or you may be hoping that he does, and how you will feel if he doesn’t. Add to this, the thought that you think you shouldn’t have had that burger with the extra onions.

On the other hand, he’s trying to plan things out because as men we like to be under control in situations like this. He is wrestling with if he should try to kiss you or not.  What is a man to do? Its a first date and he really enjoyed your company, however, if he moves too fast there may not be a second date. But then again, if he moves too slow there may not be a second date. Wow, talk about pressure!

You’re both thinking what if  an attempt is made and it is awkward? This thought makes your hearts race just thinking about it, huh? We’ve all been there before and this event is second only to the first time you about to make love.

25) Fill in the blank____________________________

I get many readers and tons of e-mail from women worldwide. I thought for #25 and the next 25 Good reasons I would ask that you ladies participate and assist me with completing the list. So if you enjoy this blog and what it represents, please give me your Good reason to be in a relationship. I will select 25 and complete the list for women everywhere. Please send your replies to anonymousmalewv@yahoo.com .

Thanks,

Anonymousmale1

Why you should have a “Single Women” survival kit!


There is nothing on earth as frustrating as being at the whim of someone else. Especially when its someone that you have grown to know, fell head over heals in love with and without warning they radically changed. Damn, it makes me want to pull my hair out just thinking about it.

Many of you will suffer through this in your lifetime, a few of you will suffer through it more than once (because some learn lessons at a different pace). Hell, I went through this phenomenon myself. However, when I came out the other side I made an important decision about dating. Especially when the relationship moved to a point and you have that very important talk.

You ladies know the talk I am referring to.   The one where the guy says, “Look, we spend all of our time together anyway. You have an apartment, and I have one. We spend all of this time sleeping at each others place, but we’re paying two separate rents.” Then he goes on a says, “Wouldn’t it be better if we just moved in together?” “Think of all of the money we could save?”

Wow! You start to think maybe there is a future in this relationship and you as all women do, ask, “Are you sure?” However, inside you’re bursting at the seams with excitement. You cannot wait to tell your girlfriends that he asked you to move in with him.  You were so excited, you failed to carefully think this plan through and you really overlooked exactly whose apartment should you two move into. But, that’s OK, because you’re so happy whatever he wants to do is fine by you.

You can’t wait to move in with him and make all of the modifications that will turn his place into a happy home, right? You should have read the fine print in the offer because this is a recipe for disaster filled with a hidden minefield.

When he brings saving money into the equation you need to know that’s a red flag.  “Think of all of the money we can save?”  In real love money is not an issue. However, let me clarify that statement for you. If I really love you, then I want you to move in with me, not because it allows me to save more cash to buy more toys. I want you there because I want to wake up next to you every single morning. I want you to be the first person i see when I get up to start my day, and the last person I see and hold before I fall asleep. These feeling you make me have are priceless and money pales in comparison.

So, anyway you’re thinking about how great it is to be able to live with him and he’s thinking about the money he’ll be able to save by sharing the rent, bills and expenses. Get the picture now? Yeah, you’re really just a beautiful, sexy roommate that he has bedroom privileges with.

You on the other hand think that this is a prelude to marriage and you quickly begin to treat it just like that. You rush home to make him dinner everyday, you rearrange his apartment to make it more of a home instead of a bachelor pad and within weeks you convince him that you two need a joint account. Why? Because its what married couples do.

Now, currently he’s still on board but what happens when he starts to feel crowded? You start to see a side of him you haven’t seen before. He become irritable, starts coming home later from work and everything becomes an argument.  The next thing you know, he’s sleeping on the couch and you’re crying yourself to sleep on a weekly basis.

Do you understand why this occurs? Believe me when I say that this happens everyday worldwide, so if its happened to you then rest assured you are not alone. It happens because you and he were never on the same page to begin with. The expectations of both parties were totally different and neither took the time to set up rules and expectations before the move actually occurred.

To make matters worse, when people live separately while they are dating there are loads of things they learn about one another over time. When you chose to move in together you learn a lot about one another very quickly and some of the things you learn you may not like. Living together you don’t have that safe place to go to while you attempt to come to grips with his short comings as you would if you lived apart.

If you lived separately and a girl called him on the phone, you’d be a little upset, go home and think about it. He’d call and explain the situation and everything would be forgiven in most cases.  If a girl calls him while you’re living together, its a whole different emotion. You have no where to think this thing through except maybe another bedroom.  Also, the thought that a girl called him infuriates you even more because now you’re wondering if he’s even informed her that he’s in this makeshift marriage, uh, living with you.

When things get really bad and you simply cannot take it anymore (as he may be feeling as well), what are you going to do? It was really easy to get into this situation but getting out of it can be difficult. Where are you going to go? You gave up your apartment, remember?

This is the point where you should have had a “Single Women Survival Kit.” Because when things get really bad, you’ll be able to take complete control of your life and situation again. Trust me when I tell you that there is no worse feeling than the feeling of being trapped.

You’ve given up your apartment, your life, your freedom to make someone else happy and it just didn’t work out. Now, you’re sitting in the bedroom that you two once shared and he’s drinking a beer on the couch watching sports after another silly argument.  You feel trapped and confined and all you really want is to get out!

If you had planned ahead and had a “Survival Kit”, you’d be able to do just that because you’d be prepared. Now, some will say, ” If you’re preparing for failure then it will do that, fail.” However, we don’t plan on having a auto accident, but we get insurance, just in case.

This survival kit, consists of some material items and a good deal of common sense. I’ll give you a list I made up for you, it differed from the one I once had, but then again I am a man.

Item #1: A secret bank account:

I know, you shouldn’t keep secrets in your relationship but this is basically insurance and believe me you may need it. You should place approximately $50.00 into this account every payday. The one thing that will be a hurdle for you is in the event that you feel as though you need to move out, is having enough cash on hand to get another place.

It sucks when you know that you once had a nice quiet place that you called home. It was your sanctuary, a place you could close out the world if need be. If you placed money into that account, you could find one quickly and move on. If not, it may take you a while to save up enough to move out. This means that you’re subjected to many more months of frustration while trying to save something you could have already had.

Now, in the event that the relationship blossoms into something more as in marriage. Guess what? You can roll that money into an investment account, or utilize it to offset some of your wedding expenses. You can’t lose by being prepared!

Item #2: Stockpile birth control:

Hey, until you are on your honeymoon it might be wise to protect yourself from an unplanned pregnancy. If your live in arrangement falls apart the very last thing that you need to discover is that you’re expecting. Children are the greatest thing on this planet, however, caring for one as a single mom is a challenge.

A Professor once gave me this advice about sex. “Never sleep with a woman that you could not see as being the mother of your children.” We all know that was not the case in some of the relationships I had over the years, however to eliminate the chance of an unplanned event I stockpiled condoms. Hell, when I was in my early 20’s I think I purchased enough to give everyone at the Magnum plant a raise in pay. Lol!

There is nothing wrong with protecting yourself and making sure he’s the right one. Then planning on having the child as a family, yep, you and he. Families can be only two people you know.

Item #3: Locate a neutral place to reside together:

If a man requests that you and he move in together, don’t move into his apartment or allow him to move into yours. If you’re serious about it and he is as well, the two of you together go and locate a suitable neutral abode to begin your trial live-in.

However, and this is extremely important, discuss with him his expectations and explain yours to him. If you two accommodate one another, this thing could really work to both of your advantages and grow into the ultimate goal. If you fail to examine what you both expect your chances of success are quite slim. This is just a thought, but you may want to explain to him at this time that you have no plans of being a lifelong girlfriend and live-in lover. Just putting that out there, OK? Remember what your mom used to say, “Why buy the cow when he can get the milk for free?”

Item #4) Keep your Finances separate:

In the beginning do not under any circumstances intertwine your bills or credit. You should agree to pay your half and he his. The only thing that both of your names should appear on is the rental agreement.

You want to do this to give you an opportunity to see how he handles his finances. If  you intertwine your finances and share an account, it may affect your credit score.  If his score is low, you may get dinged or worse credit agencies may start calling you about his debts. This is a horrible thing to discover after you’re living together, but it happens.

Each of you should select a utility and place it in your own names, making sure that they pretty much are equal in the amounts you pay monthly.  To clarify this, you shouldn’t be paying $200 in cable bills and he’s only paying $70.00 for water and the electric bill. Understand?

Item #5) An Emergency Credit Card:

You should if possible obtain a credit card with a credit line of at least $500. This card is for emergencies only and you should only utilize it once a month. During this monthly usage, go out to dinner or purchase a pair of stockings or anything that you can pay the bill in full on its due date.

This practice keeps the card active and paying it off monthly helps your credit score. As i said above though, this card is for emergencies only! What I mean by this is that in the event you need to stay at a hotel after a severe argument, this is when you utilize it. Need to rent a truck to move out because the relationship is sour, use this card. In a sense, its a safety net.

If you’ve been setting aside money as in item number one and you have this emergency card you have your freedom intact. Regardless of the situation you can move on and any frustrations will be minimal at worst.

Conclusion:

Relationships are a risks, however that’s what makes them so much fun.  We also all know that without risk there is no possibility of reward. There is nothing wrong with hedging your bets by protecting yourself in the event that things don’t work as planned. By covering your bases, its a win-win scenario for you. As I wrote above, if it works out then you have this small nest egg that you can utilize for something else.  That something else could be whatever you want it to be, to include a nice Rolex for your new husband. I’m just saying. Men like nice gifts too.

The most Powerful words any man can say to you……..


In past posts I have discussed the “L” words, meaning love and like and their meaning in the relationships you’ve had or currently have. Today I would like to discuss a sentence that will, well, leave you spellbound if it ever comes out of the mouth of any man that you are dating or have dated.

Men are very proud creatures and to go along with that pride we carry around we like to think that we can control any and every situation that present itself.  Many, many men have lost women that they knew in their hearts were the perfect mate for them because they refused to tell them exactly what she needed to hear. They refused to bow and put their pride to the side in order to make their hearts happy.

There is nothing as awkward as seeing a grown man cry over a woman, it’s not pretty I must confess and it occurs more than most women could possibly imagine.  Please don’t be so cynical in your views of men to believe that  no man has ever shed a tear for the loss of a relationship with you. Because I can assure you that at least one has, maybe even more.

Unfortunately, men generally chose to suffer in silence. They tend to keep things bottled up and try to drown their heartbroken sorrow in alcohol or worse. It amazes me that more people don’t understand that regardless of how you attempt to mask your suffering, by utilizing drink or worse drugs, you only compound the problem. Not to mention, when the effects wear off, she’s still gone. Uh!

I once wrote a post where I described the emotions people go through when suffering heartbreak. Many of you commented on this description for its honesty and candor. One visitor asked me how I could so vividly describe how women feel during these unsettling moments of hurt and anguish. Well, its because I’ve suffered my share of heartbreaks as well over the years. What, you thought women had a monopoly on being heartbroken?

However, I learned my lessons and judging by the amount of years I’ve been married I feel I benefited from those earlier failures. Yep, love teaches us all and what we learn is more important than the heartbreaks we suffer in the process because it makes us into the people we will eventually be in life.

I often tell my wife that she received the finished product, molded by many women over the years and a much better man for it. At least I hope so.

Back to those powerful words that you are so interested in knowing. Most men have this idea that simply telling you that he loves you will cure any and everything that ails your relationship. That’s why so many men are so hell bent against utilizing these words. They feel if by saying them so soon and much it diminishes its meaning. Unfortunately, they also want to save it for when they really need it to keep you from leaving them. It works right? Well sometimes anyway.

However, there is one thing that all women want to hear that few men know about. Its a phrase that truly comes from the heart, with honesty and commitment. Because of the over usage of  “I love you” , this is definitely a head turner and its something that we all need to hear both women and men alike from the people we love.

I’ve told my wife this over the years and I generally get a very positive reaction. However, I tell her this because as with all people its something we need to hear but not too often as a sign of respect and appreciation.

Last week I was laying on the couch as usual after a hard day of work and flipping through the channels I stopped on a Kevin Costner movie, one of my favorites. I hadn’t seen it in years and relaxed to take it all in. Maybe you’ve seen it before, if not it’s a very good movie for both men and women. It’s called, “For the Love of the game”.

However, I must caution you that as with all of his movies it’s quite long.  The storyline for this movie is about an aging baseball pitcher who happens to meet a beautiful woman (Kelly Preston) after her car broke down. During the movie Costner’s character while pitching a game in Yankee Stadium is reflecting on  his life and relationship with Preston whom at the time of the game is at the Airport about to depart and start her life in London.

Costner reflects on their meeting, their ups and downs over a five year period. At one point, Preston informs Costner that he doesn’t need her. She says that all he needs is the ball and the diamond and everything is perfect when he’s on the mound. Costner thinks about it because this is all he has known for almost his entire life, since his father first placed a ball in his hands.

With her at the airport about to depart the U.S., he pitches the game of his life, a perfect game. However, on what should have been the happiest day of his life he had no one to share it with. I don’t want to spoil this beautiful movie for those of you who may want to check it out.

But, what I can tell you is this, in the end he uttered what could be considered the most powerful words any man can tell a woman. He didn’t tell her he loved her because she already knew that. He said, “I need you”. Everyone wants to be needed however, few men tell women this even though they know it to be true.

We need you to help us to become better people, better men, better fathers and husbands. These are not things we can do without the assistance of women like you. Men for whatever reason don’t tell women they love this important statement even though by informing you of this could make the difference between you staying or leaving.

This statement is a testimony to exactly how much you mean to him and that your contributions haven’t gone unnoticed. It tells you that he knows that he is a better person because you are in his life and that together you two can accomplish anything. It also shows that if you leave him now, he’s going to be crushed and if you didn’t know it before I explained it above, he will be heartbroken and the tears he sheds will be for you. Or rather the lack of you.

Now, if whatever he did or didn’t do to get to the point where he told you he needs you wasn’t too bad, just maybe you could possibly give him another chance, please? We all make mistakes and none of us are actually perfect even if we think at times we are.

The secret that men hope women never discover…..


“Women are going to form a chain, a greater sisterhood than the world has ever known.”
Nellie McClung

You meet a new guy and you love everything about him. He calls and your stomach gets knotted up, and when you’re around him you have butterflies. You cannot sleep because he’s always on your mind. Love, isn’t it grand?  There is nothing as precious as new love, you cannot get enough of it. The feelings you get are indescribable, and you feel like you’re about to burst with excitement.

Late at night you lay in bed and you think of every single moment of time that you spent with him during the day. You review every single word spoken and chastise yourself for not saying the right thing at the right moment of the conversation. You feel awkward, like you’re a school girl with a crush and he’s the big man on campus.

You cannot wait for the next day to see him and take in the aroma of his cologne and look into his eyes once again. Every time he brushes against you or slightly touches your hand you get weak in the knees and you blush uncontrollably.

You find it difficult to concentrate and eating is a second thought, your appitite is vertually gone and you often wonder if you’ll actually be able to eat in front of him when you go out on your long anticipated date.

Love, there is nothing like it is there? However, on the flip side these same emotions can describe the way women feel when they’re heartbroken. The two basic issues of course are lack of appetite and sleep, but of course your stomach gets knotted just the same. You also wonder if it was something you said or did and if you could have done things differently.

Now the issue here is how do you keep from ever feeling like the latter of these two emotions? How do we insure that you never have your heart and emotions drug through the mud while you shed tears that could have been prevented.

Did you know that women can protect their own hearts by simply doing one thing at the beginning of every relationship, even before you begin to act like a love struck schoolgirl. Before you place your heart in the hands of a person that you thought dropped out of heaven, but may have came from a much lower area, you should find out from where he really came.

“There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”
Madeleine Albright

Every man that you meet has a past. It’s that past that can determine your relationship fate. Before you throw caution to the wolves and fall head over heels in love with someone who may break your heart into, it behooves you to proceed with caution. Do your homework and attempt to discover who he really is and if possible, why?

It is amazing that more women don’t do what I am about to introduce you to, because if done properly it works to your benefit.  Its also the hidden secret that men never want you to discover. Its the inside information straight from the horses mouth that could sink them where they stand when they are dishonest.

What is this secret that make men tremble in their boots? The girl that held his heart before you! She holds all the secrets that can mean success or failure for you if you enter into a relationship with the man that makes your heart pound faster.

Now before you decide that this is not a route you would chose to take lets take a look at it from a different angle. Think about your last boyfriend, what could you share with another woman that could spare her a harsh break-up and a broken heart. Was he good to you? Did he cheat on you or god forbid, hit you. You hold valuable information that could assist another woman whom might be sitting at home right now with butterflies in her stomach over a man that you know to be a liar and a cheat. If you could save her from heartbreak and despair, why wouldn’t you. If you don’t, when the day comes that he rips her heart out or hurt her in any other manner, you are just as responsible as he is because you could have and should have warned her if she asked.

It amazes me that we tend to not inquire about the person that held our love interests heart until after we break up with them. We tend to believe what our partners say about them and as with nature we side with the one we’re with. That is until that day after our hearts have been broken into tiny pieces, we wonder if all that was told to us was actually true.

Then by chance you meet the person, and discover that they are nothing like the person you were led to believe they were. These meetings always end with you gaining a good friend and with them informing you that had you contacted them they would have warned you about your former partner.

In every relationship there are two sides to the story of why it ended, the side you’re hearing and the silent side. Isn’t it interesting that the side you’re hearing is always the fault of the silent side. But lets be real, how many men have you met that will confess to cheating, beating, stealing from or lying to their ex’s? Better yet, how many men have you met that will inform you that yes, they do have a current girlfriend while they attempt to seduce you?

These are all the more reason for you to seek out his former partner before you jump into a relationship with him. Now we all know that sometimes people make up lies and are deceitful when they have been heartbroken, but all you have to remember is that somewhere between those lies is the truth.

Now many of you are scratching your heads wondering, “How would you react if a strange woman approached you and inquired about your ex?” How would you respond? Hopefully, with dignity and respect as all adults should. If the relationship is over then its over, you both  should have moved on by now, so what could it really hurt to assist someone else?

If your ex was a great guy and things simply flamed out on your relationship, then wouldn’t it be wise to inform her of that fact. Would it seriously hurt you to offer her pointers in how she might make their relationship last? Hell, in actuality you know so much about him and if you chose to hold on to that information, then you are really doing a disservice to your ex and the female that’s interested in him, don’t you think?

Now, on the other hand if he was a total jerk and she needs to be warned about him it could be wise to do so. However, it should be done with tactfulness. Sit her down and ask her exactly what she wants to know? Put yourself in her shoes, if his ex before you had told you what you needed to know, would it have prevented your heartbreak? Could it have saved you from anguish and sadness? Would you have headed her warnings? Then ask yourself this, “Can you really walk away knowing that she is headed down a path to pain and refuse to help? Ever heard of karma?

This failure to assist one another is a prime example of why our society is decaying right now. It’s not my problem, so I don’t want to get involved is our new motto. Many times I have wondered what may have been if OJ’s ex before Nichole had informed her of what he was really like? Would Scott Peterson’s late wife have heeded a warning from another woman before choosing to marrying him? I know that these examples are extreme, or are they? However, what I am sure of is that each and everyone of you hold the key to the happiness or suffering of another woman. The only question that remains, is are you willing to share that key or not?

I know it would be awkward for someone to approach you about your ex, however these questions come in many forms. So the next time you get a friend request from your ex’s current girlfriend, don’t be so quick to dismiss it. There may be something that she wants to ask you but isn’t sure how to proceed.

If the thought of this make you uneasy there is another way as there always is. Visit my fellow bloggers site and you can post about your ex anonymously. This way any woman that is interested in him can locate the info she needs right there and no one will be the wiser. Also, while you are there, you can check up on your current beau, or someone you may have had you eye on. Its free, and although most of the comments are negative, like I stated earlier, somewhere between the two extremes, lies the truth.

So if you have the time or you’re simply curious, please visit www.cheateralert.com, you never know what you may discover or what you may be able to contribute to someone else s happiness.

8 Things you should never say to a man…… If you want to keep him


Sometimes, when we get just too damn comfortable too soon with a new person we tend to let our guard down and throw caution to the wind.  You have to understand that just because you feel comfortable with him doesn’t necessarily mean that he feels the same way about you. He may tell you he does, but then again he may be on the bubble with where your relationship is heading.

In my past I terminated several relationships because of a simple comment that just grated me to the point where regardless of how I tried I couldn’t get over. Looking back now, I agree I was really very shallow when it came to relationships. Now that I know this, I also understand that as a man, I am not alone and men that you have met or will meet may be shallow in the beginning as well.

With this knowledge, I figured it may benefit you to know that there are some things that you may not want to say, regardless of how comfortable you may feel in the beginning of the relationship.  However, as many of you probably know, once the relationship is defined and is solid then anything you say will not be held against you in the court of love.  (Ah, unless it’s a lie, then all bets are off.)

Moving on, lets get to “8 Things you should never say to a man, if you want to keep him!” (note: These are things that you may not want to say while you two are in the beginning stages of what you hope to be a long term relationship, ok?)

1) I want to be a stay at home mom;

  What men hear: She wants a rich guy to take care of her and do nothing but have kids. Men want partners and since for years women have preached equality, we expect you to help carry the load. Now on the other hand, if he is rich or on his way to being rich this may work out fine. However in this economy it’s all hands on deck and that means you as well.

2) I once dated my boss;

What men hear:  She’s looking for a man with power and if I am not it, it could be her next or current boss. Also, there is this old saying that you should never shit where you eat,  which means sleeping with the boss is not a smart move. Oh, and now we think about what her reputation in the office is like. Office gossip is brutal and she gave them a lot to work with. Time to move on suddenly sounds good for us.

3) I like women too:

What men hear:  Most of the men I have talked to regarding this type of situation informed me that in the beginning they thought that they had hit the jackpot. In the end they said they wish they had never known. Visions of three ways clouded their judgment. They all assured me that it was great and exciting when it first began because they had convinced themselves that it wasn’t cheating as long as it was only with women. Wrong!

How secure could he possibly be when he knows that his girlfriend is trolling for women with a higher success rate than he and his friends ever had? After awhile the excitement wears off and jealousy appears as with any relationship when a third person is introduced into the equation.

A woman once told me that there is no such thing as being bi-sexual. She said that people whom say that they are, really are saying that they are selfish sexually and its all about them. She went on to say that regardless of if they are with a man or woman, all they really care about is their own needs being met. I don’t know if she’s right or wrong on this  and I am not in a position to argue either way.

4) You are the biggest I have ever had;

What men hear: I have been with numerous men and I am checking sizes and discussing them with my girlfriends. We really don’t like to think about your sexual conquests to begin with, because in our minds you were a virgin when we met. You just killed that image with that one statement and to make matters worse you were probably just trying to make us feel good. Now we can’t shake the thought of you out of our minds, measuring privates of men lined up with towels wrapped around them. Ugh!

5) I have never done this before:

What men hear: With me! Especially if you suddenly take control right in the middle of it and seem to anticipate our every move. You should never utilize those words to a man especially if its while in bed. It’s equally bad if you just met him or you’ve liked him for awhile and its the first time you two have been alone and he talked you into bed.

Note: The funny thing about men, yours truly included is that women are right when they think that when it comes to sex, once we get an erection we stop thinking clearly. However, once that erection subsides we replay the whole conversation that got us into the situation to begin with. So, if you said something that didn’t bother us while we were trying to satisfy our needs it will jump out at us when clarity returns. This clarity period is a main reason for one night stands.

6) My last boyfriend did it like this:

What we hear: We are being compared to some guy who for whatever reason still occupies your thoughts. This is not good, because in order for us to feel comfortable with you, we’d like to think that only we occupy your thoughts. Not only that, but hell if he was so great, why are you with me?

7) We have to keep our relationship a secret:

What we hear: This is sometimes said when the parties are of different racial or economic backgrounds. Problem is that now he feels as though he’s good enough to sleep with but not good enough to be seen with. Yep, men don’t like this type of situation either. We start out saying that we can handle it, but in the end we hate it too. Remember the saying, “Forbidden things are sweeter”, they really aren’t.

8) You once tried to get pregnant:

What we hear: You want a baby and you may try to have one by us without our knowledge. This is a scary thought if we’re just beginning. Most men aren’t comfortable with the premise of having a child so quickly and you’ll notice that although you’re taking birth control pills, he still insist on wearing a condom as well. You know he’s uncomfortable if even with the condom on he still withdraws before ejaculation.

I guess I could actually add several other things not to say as well, but I’ll just list a few without commenting on them so you’ll know.

9)   I need a man to pay my bills.

10)  I had an abortion.

11) I was once with multiple men at once- You may want to keep this to yourself

12) I was a teenage prostitute.

14) I was molested.

15) I was in rehab, twice.

16) I had a eating disorder.

17) I used to cut myself occasionally.

18) I tried to commit suicide.

19) My last boyfriend is on death row.

20) I am awaiting sentencing.

The point I am trying to make is this. In relationships there should be no secrets if it is to blossom and grow. However, it is important that you get to know the person before you decide to tell them some things. When we are really comfortable with one another and we both know where its headed then anything you say will more than likely be forgiven. However, if you say them too soon they’ll be used solely as a reason to exit by menn who may not have wanted to be with you long term to begin with.

When we love someone and I am not talking about lust, but true love, we can accept the fact that we all have skeletons, or crutches in life. The things you say in the beginning that could make a man run, could actually bring him closer when he’s actually had the time to get to know you and love you for who you are.


Why he won’t say, “I love you”


“I love you”, there I said it and it wasn’t that hard. However, with some men, to get them to say those three little words is like pulling teeth. They simply refuse to say it and I know its frustrating to the women whom they share their lives with. Last weekend I went to meet with some male friends after work and a couple of female friends tagged along.

Over a few beers we engaged in this terrific conversation about why it’s so damn hard for men to profess their love for a woman. One of my female friends confessed that her boyfriend of nearly two years has never uttered those words. She stated that several times he’s came close but the answer she gets most when she says it to him is “Ditto”.

She said that after all of this time together she knows that he really loves her (evident in the three calls she got in a 2 hour period), but he simply cannot utter those simple words. Oh, and at the end of one of the calls she placed him on speakerphone and told him she loved him before the call ended. You know what his response was? “Me too!”

One of my male friends attempted to explain away why we don’t say it by insisting that if we told every woman we dated that we loved them then the words eventually become hollow. He went on to say that love to him meant forever! He also added that forever, was a very long time and he wasn’t ready for that type of commitment.

Another friend chimed in and his version was a little bit graphic. I had to chastise him for his depiction of what women would do just to hear those three little words. After the beer we had drank, I think he forgot that we were in the company of two women.

His take on the words was that it has opened a lot of doors (and legs) for him. He continued that he utilizes these words as a tool to satisfy his urges and get him out of hot water if necessary. He went on to tell us how he had dated this girl for six months and still no action (meaning sex). He said he really liked her and they spent countless hours together at dinner and he even took her on a couple of trips to Cancun.

However, he said that it was always the same excuse (his words, not mine), that whenever they got to the good part she would tell him that she wasn’t ready.  He said it was cool for awhile and it became a game to him, but then he grew tired and decided it was time to move on. According to him she continued calling him and although he wasn’t interested anymore he felt that if he walked away now after warming her up, some other idiot might hit the jackpot and he would be pissed.

So one night she called and he explained that he simply felt that the relationship wasn’t leading anywhere. He said that she took it well, however right before he hung up he decided to try his secret weapon (as he called it), and said “I love you” before he hung up. According to him she was at his door less than an hour later and he hit the jackpot for several months. That is until he discovered that several other men must have told her the same thing because she was sleeping with her ex and her apartments maintenance man during the same time. (The two women with us got a kick out of that, with one reminding him that’s what he gets for misusing the words.)

We moved our conversation from the pool tables to a large booth and another male in the group decided it was his turn to chime in. He relayed that old story that women wanted sensitive men, so he has made it a point to let any woman that he was dating know exactly how he felt. His position was that you shouldn’t keep people guessing, you should let them know exactly where they stand.

He went on to proclaim that he tells his current girlfriend that he loves her all of the time. When asked how long they had been together he stated 3 months, at which my now nearly drunk friend (above), told him he was a sell out to men everywhere. LOL. He also informed him that he should be careful because once you tell them you love them it’s hard to get rid of them. At this point I cut off his drinking.

When my second friend continued he explained that he’d only said that to women he really cared about and it had taken him time (albeit 3 mos) to be able to open up the his current girlfriend. He went on to say that he was pretty sure that she was the one he’d spend his future with and he looked forward to growing old together. At this point the two women with us were swooning at his honesty. Unfortunately my nearly drunk friend wasn’t having it, and reminded him that he had told us the same thing about his former girlfriend. (I quickly ordered him a hot coffee)

Now it was the second female of the groups time to add to the conversation. Wine has a special affect on women and I for one like the way it mellow them if consumed in moderation. She is normally quiet and somewhat shy and I have to admit it surprised me that she wanted to hang out with us.

She said that in her younger years that she had fallen prey to guys whom just said those words to convince her they were sincere (We all looked at my half drunken friend). But as she matured she realized that it wasn’t so much the words but the actions she concerned herself with now. She continued by stating that she had been seduced by several men whom professed their love for her and in return she was cheated on and in one relationship physically abused.

Continuing she said yes, women enjoy hearing those words and many times they seek them from men to clarify their positions in their lives. However, she cautioned that what good are the words if his actions don’t match what he’s telling you over and over again. She looked across the table to the other female member of the group and told her that although her boyfriend won’t say the words, she should know that he really loves you. She said it was evident in the way he looks at her and listens to her. She went on to say that she remembered days when he had left his job to pick her up at work because she didn’t feel good and then took the rest of the day off to care for her. (I looked over and they both had tears welling up in their eyes.)

For her she went on, now it wasn’t the words anymore. It now was all about the actions of the person she chose to be with. Her next man (when she said this my near drunk friend perked up) according to her would be someone who cared about her and showed her how he feels because the words can sometimes be hallow. She finished by saying that women put too much emphasis on what men say and not enough on how they act in relationships. It was nice to hear her say this, however, the mood was broken because as soon as she finished and we were all basking in her words my near drunk friend looked at her and said, “I love you”! We all broke into laughter and he fell asleep not realizing what he had just said.

It was a good night, shooting pool and having drinks with friends. I learned from each of them and I hope there is something in their conversations that can assist you as well. It amazes me how differently we view the same subject, but then again I guess we really are.

Oh, before I leave you today maybe I should tell you what I said on the subject. I won’t write it here because it will make the post run rather long and for many of you the discussions of my friends may be enough. However, for those of you that would like to hear my take on this topic, you can read it in my discussions by visiting Anonymousmale1 on facebook.  See you there!

10 Things guys really want in a woman


I received a message from Comieko, a friend on my Facebook fan page and she had an idea for a post for this blog. She inquired if I could write about what men want in a woman. I thought that this might be interesting as well, so I responded to her message and informed her that I would write a post on this subject.

However, I know exactly what I wanted in a woman, (got it) but all men are different in what they seek for a lifetime partner. I needed help, so I picked up the phone and contacted single friends of mine. I called guys whom are lawyers, investigators, night club owners, Cops, athletes, teachers, freight train engineers, business owners, military members and more.

To enhance the study group, I went out and simply started conversations with men I didn’t even know. Most people would consider this difficult, however it’s a part of my job anyway (extracting information from people). So getting these virtual strangers to tell me what they were seeking in women was an easy task. Funny thing though, I would approach each and begin the conversation about sports and in the end begin complaining about my (fictitious)girl. Ten minutes later I would ask, why can’t I find a perfect girl and we would compare notes.

So after interviewing approximately 60 men from all walks of life, I compiled the information and created a list based on “What men want in a woman”. Some of it surprised me, some of it reminded me that nothing has changed in the singles world and some of it made me laugh because I realised that every single woman on this planet is just like the one men really want.

*** Note*** This list is composed of the items based on the percentage of men who stated them and in the order that they arrive is based on which item had the highest percentage.

Let me not keep you guys waiting and get on with why you are here, so you too can know what it is that men want in you.

10 Things guys really want in a woman:

10) Great Sex:

Personally I think that this came in last because I wasn’t really interested in what men wanted women to do in bed sexually, sorry. I tended to steer the conversation in a different direction when this topic became to descriptive. Maybe its me, but what people do behind closed doors I think should remain there.  However, with that said, I need to add that hanging a wicker basket from your ceiling so that you can reminisce about a fling you had in a Bangkok massage parlor will not get you the woman of your dreams Mr. Davis from Montreal. But then again it might.

Most of the guys I talked to were able to get their point across without being so blunt. However, several, (Mr. Davis being one) felt the need to relive old conquests. (I pity the woman who ends up with this guy). It didn’t help matters that the Adult Entertainment Convention was in town as well, and although he was here for the CES Convention he seemed to think every woman in Vegas was from the Porn industry.

On the other hand guys like Matt from Seattle and Chen from Hong Kong were much more mature in this arena.  These are two guys whom basically informed me that they knew that although sex was important, they simply didn’t worry about it as much as finding a woman they enjoyed being with out of bed just as much.

Steve a bus driver from New York, still single by the way, informed me that his parents had been married for 30 years. He said that his father told him years ago that  the sexual aspect of the relationship will taper off, but the actual love he should have for the woman in his life will grow stronger over time. In his fathers words, “Love is better than sex when its real.” I have to admit, I agree with his fathers assessment.

9) Dresses nice:

 The great thing about conducting these interviews (so to speak) in Las Vegas was that whenever I was having a conversation there were so many beautiful women walking around. This gave me the opportunity to observe what men thought by watching their eyes and listening to their comments concerning the different attire women wore.

I was sitting at the Halo Bar in the Miracle Mile Shops at Planet Hollywood on a Friday night and struck up a conversation with Mike, a Military helicopter Pilot Stationed in Korea. As we sat there talking about what he wanted in a woman when a cute girl walked by and he turned to look to the point where I thought he was going to spill the drink I had just brought him.

When he gained his focus again you know what he said? “She’d be good for a one night stand.” I understood exactly why he made this statement. Although she was very pretty, her beauty was overshadowed by the very, very short skirt she was wearing, not to mention the blouse that was unbuttoned damn near to her waist.

Men are very visual when it comes to women and I’ve written this more than once, “The way you dress determines how men perceive you.” In this instance he had fully determined that she was someone he would possibly sleep with, but only once!

Later another beautiful young woman passed by the bar. She was very well dressed, nice slacks, heels, make-up and beautiful hair. He turned and they made eye contact, he spoke to her in a very kind and polite manner and she responded, politely. He didn’t look at her as a piece of meat, it was almost gentle. When she was past his line of vision he didn’t turn to look at her  back side, he looked down and almost smiled.

Quickly I asked what was the major difference between the two women? He answered exactly as I thought he would. He said that the first woman exuded sexuality which was very appealing to him. However, the second woman was more like a woman he would actually like to get to know better. He went on to say that she dressed in a fashion that stated that she was professional, confident, mature and beautiful. He finished by saying that she was the type of woman who he could easily introduce to his mother. Strange huh? But wait, it gets stranger because I was bored.

I sent out a quick text and within five minutes both women arrived at the bar. I introduced him to them both and he almost fainted. Why? Because they are actually identical twins! He hadn’t noticed because of the differences in the way they had dressed. They are old friends of mine that I have known for several years and since they were in town I asked them to participate in my little study. They agreed as long as I promised to take them to dinner afterwards which I was going to do anyway, lol.

I only did this to Mike, and I never explained to him why. I did explain to him that he had proven a point that would be advantageous to women everywhere. He was a good sport and I wish him well in the Military.

Others that bought up this subject, like Ben, a student from Boise State (here for the Las Vegas Bowl) echoed like all the rest. A womans dress and appearance is important in that they would like for her to be appealing to them but not in a way that garners too much unwanted attention. This brings me back to something men spoke about often and you will see it again later in this post, jeans and a nice top are always good. 

8)  Has her own life:

Scott a Sports Store owner from Miami was the first to bring up this topic. He informed me that it was important to him to have a woman who had her own career, life and friends. He felt as did the others that I talked to later that if she possesses these things in her life it increased the chances of the relationship growing.

Eric a Bartender from Bellevue Nebraska, stated that if her friends are your friends and her job is your job then at the end of the day you have absolutely nothing to talk about. Eric’s friend Jason, an Insurance Agent echoed the sentiment and added, “If she has her own life, job and friends it ensures that as a couple you have plenty to talk about that’s interesting. He said his last girlfriend worked with him and the thing that drove him crazy was that when she was pissed at him, everyone at work knew it and it made it difficult for him at work as well as at the home they shared.

Eventually he said he resigned his position hoping it would help their relationship if he work elsewhere. He said this worked for a while but in the end although he had a different job they still shared all of the same friends. He went on to tell me that is why you should never date someone you work with, two people sharing the same life is difficult and boring.

I wanted to know how did they explain the countless numbers of married people who own business’s together? Eric informed me that being married is different. He went on to say that when you are married, you know that this is the person you’ve selected to spend the rest of your life with. You already know that you are compatible with her and spending time with her every single moment is a pleasure, or should be. Spending every waking moment with a woman you’re trying to determine if she will one day be your wife is a recipe for burnout, he added.

I am not sure if they are right or not, but I do know this on the subject. My wife and I met at work years ago, although we shared a couple of common friends, for the most part we did not. I left the company within a few months of us becoming a pair and we’ve never worked together since.

I seldom visit her at work and I think she has been to my office only a couple of times. I find it interesting to attempt to place faces on the people she talks about in her stories about her work and I am sure she’d say the same. Either way, I enjoy her stories of humor and frustration in her work environment and I think she enjoys the fact that I listen allowing her the opportunity to vent from time to time.

Now that we are in Vegas, we don’t have any real common friends. The friends that we do have are ones that we met on the job. I’ve only met two of her friends and she only one of mine. I am not sure if this helps but hopefully you get the picture. If not maybe this will, we still have a lot of interesting things to talk to one another about every single day and I look forward to our conversations.

7) Shared interests:

Do you like football? Basketball? Baseball? Soccer? Do you follow any sport? If not you may want to learn a little about one or all of them. Men do many things to be able to meet women, anything to have a way of breaking the ice and share a passion. However, we draw a line at basket weaving or bargain shopping.

If you would like to meet some really good men, try this: Visit Las Vegas during football season. Buy yourself a nice football jersey (they make them for women as well), and visit one of the many sports books around the city. Breaking the ice has never been easy. You’ll meet men from all walks of life, some who will of course want to date you because you share a common bond and others whom will just enjoy the fact that you are there as a fan of the game.

While talking to Russell, (a Stock broker) from New Jersey, an attractive female entered the sports book alone wearing a NY Giants jersey and a pair of Levi jeans (more about the jeans later). She sat alone and watched the game, Russell continued to watch her to see if she was waiting for someone. After a short period of time he excused him self and approached her. He of course was wearing a NY Jets jersey and I figured the meeting would be very interesting.

From a distance I observed him approach and with a smile on his face extend his hands in a non confrontational manner and then they both laughed. I couldn’t hear the conversation but judging by the laughter I could tell that he may have made a connection.

A few minutes later he returned so I thought we would finish our conversation. However, I was wrong, Russell apologized for having to leave, grabbed his drink and headed to the table with the female. However, before parting he left me with this statement; “I love women who enjoy football, even if she does like the Giants. I think I may have met my future wife.”

That was a bold statement to make concerning a woman he has met less than three minutes earlier, but who knows, stranger things have happened in Las Vegas.

Now lets look at this situation from her perspective. She prepared herself by enjoying a game that she knew men enjoyed and apparently she does too. She dressed to blend in which also created an automatic icebreaker for any man who cared to approach. Armed with her knowledge of the game she  had turned her football passion into a target rich environment of available single men.

My wife loves sports. She’s a Dallas Cowboys fan, but I don’t hold it against her. When I first got married we had recently moved to LA. My new friends loved to go to sports bars on Sundays to watch the games. They’d ask if I would like to come along and I would decline. After awhile they would jazz me about being married and not being able to get out of the house without permission. Finally one day when they asked if I would like to watch a Monday night game at a bar close to work, I figured I had better let them in on my secret.

I wanted to stay home and enjoy the game with my wife. This way I could spend time with her doing something we both enjoyed, I could eat and drink beer without paying through the nose and not have to worry about getting stopped for driving under the influence. Make sense? My friends thought so too, so instead they asked if they could come to my place to watch the game. Since my wife hadn’t really gotten to know them it was the perfect opportunity for them to do so. Within a month many of them would stop by on game days with their wives and girlfriends and we turned the whole thing into an event.

In the end, even the girlfriends who didn’t like football learned to enjoy it. It gave them something else to be able to do together. Years later when I call these guys during football season on a Sunday, instead of being at a bar I can hear their wives cheering in the background from their living room. It’s amazing how a small insignificant sport can create a bond between the sexes if allowed.

6) knowledge:

    When education came up in the first conversation I had it was with Jayden from Singapore. With him he wanted a woman whose education level matched his own which is understandable. However later when it was brought up it became apparent that it was for different reasons.

    Other men such as Mateo from Hawaii expressed that he liked women whom were educated for the sake of being able to hold conversations on any subject. Others echoed his words as time went by. What I gathered was that these men liked women whom were knowledgeable in current events. They particularly seemed to like women whom expressed their own opinions on topics. Rod, a bull rider from Casper Wyoming chimed in to say that there is nothing more frustrating than to have a woman who for months, your opinion is her opinion, then to come home one day and her opinion is totally different. He said this opens too many questions for him, the first being who the hell is she and where did she come from? The second being that these new opinions may be the opinions of the man she met when you were away on tour. He went on to say that either way when this happened to him in the past he knew it was a signal that the relationship was pretty much over.

Most of the men I talked to not only prefer a woman who is versed on current events but they also informed me that they enjoyed it even more if from time to time their opinions differed. As Troy a banker from London stated, there is nothing like a healthy debate between loved ones to bring you even closer.

I understand this thought process perfectly. My wife and I have been debating whether College athletes should be paid or not for many years. I think they should and she feels that fair compensation is the scholarship to attend school they accepted. Who knows who’s right on this subject, but if it gives us something to passionately discuss I really don’t care.

5) A sense of humor:

     We all like to laugh don’t we? It’s healthy for you and it increases your quality of life, especially if you have a woman who makes you laugh. There is nothing like having a woman with a great sense of humor (especially for those days when you do something wrong). Men like to come home and know that instead of an argument after confessing his mistake, they can laugh about it for years.

 In my marriage believe me when I tell you that I have made some huge mistakes, huge! However, my wife has a way of making fun of me in a joking way and I appreciate it more than if she hammered me on it. I get the message, I screwed up, again, we laugh about it and move on having learned from it.

Being silly with the one you love is priceless! According to Les a music teacher from Torrance California, he actively sought out a woman with a sense of humor to ensure his relationship would remain fun. He stated that the relationship before his current one was way too serious, he said it became stressful to him so he bailed out. His new girl, according to him makes him smile by simply walking into the room and this is a year and a half later.

While I was taking to him over a beer, his girlfriend walked up to the table and he looked at her and they both started to laugh. He said, “It took your money, didn’t it?” They both started laughing harder, later I found out that she had come to Vegas with a promise that she would only gamble with ten dollars. She had lost it in 20 minutes. Hell, I laughed too. As they bid me goodbye in route to see a show, he turned and told me, “Life is simply too much fun to be serious all the time.”

4) Looks:

     I really thought that this would be number one, man was I wrong. Beautiful yes, supermodel type, most of the guys I talked to weren’t interested in. They confessed that they think looks in women are over rated. What they expressed was important to them in the looks department was natural beauty. I have to confess, I understand exactly what they mean. Men want women who look great walking through the house with a tee-shirt on, a pair of jeans with her hair a mess and little or no make-up. Oh, and they placed special emphasis on the fact that they love women who look great in a pair of jeans, Levis is the choice according to Parker an anesthesiologist from Houston and many others.

Men prefer natural looking women to women who spend hours putting on make-up to enhance their beauty. As Thomas of Mesquite Nevada so eloquently put it, “I want a woman that appeals to me, not one that tries to appeal to every man.”

Tyler of Salt Lake City, Utah informed me that most people forget that looks fade, but personality and character remain forever.

3) Patience:

Alan from Indiana (a pharmaceutical rep) thinks patience is very important in the women he choses because as he said, “I still do things that I shouldn’t from time to time.” Things like staying out too late with friends or making plans and forgetting to inform my partner are a few. He said he’s working on trying to be better about issues like these so that in his new girlfriend they don’t become an issue. He stated that his current girlfriend is very patient with him in this respect and that’s why he’s attempting to change his behavior.

What was funny to me was that Alan and quite a few others informed me that patience was really important because if she is patient with them they feel as though she will be a great mother to their children one-day. Rick from Idaho (a Retail Manager) laughed at the idea, and then changed his thought process after talking about it with me.

He was in Las Vegas with his girlfriend of three years at a conference she had to attend. At the end of our talk he reviewed his relationship and told me that his girlfriend had stood beside him through some very rough times whereas most women would have left him.

Before I left he asked me if it was true that you could get married anytime during the day or night in Vegas. When I left I had the strange feeling that Alan suddenly realised that his girlfriend deserved to be more than just a girlfriend. If I am right on this assessment, I wish them well as Mr and Mrs!

2) Confidence:

Women with confidence came in second with the men I interviewed. According to Dan, a Physical therapist from San Pedro, California, “If she is confident in herself, she will be more likely to be secure in the fact that she has nothing to worry about when it comes to us.” Meaning: No jealousy issues, no arguments, no complaining.

Robert, a Computer Business Owner from Arkansas informed me that if she has confidence in herself then he will be more confident in her. He went on to tell me that his last girlfriend lacked confidence and it showed in all aspects of their relationship. He said he stressed about it because he always knew that others knew she lacked confidence as well. He told me that the company he founded began to expand and he had to spend a few months on the West Coast away from her. When he returned he discovered she had been unfaithful.

He said he was sure it was because her lack of confidence led her to believe others when they told her that as his company grew he would eventually leave her. He said they had talked about this issue several times and he laughed it off because he though that she couldn’t seriously believe it. He felt she cheated so that she could kill the relationship that she thought would end anyway, even though he had worked so hard for them both.

For his next relationship, confidence will be a top priority in the woman he selects. He further informed me that he travels a lot, and he wants his next girlfriend to be confident enough to know that his heart is wherever she is.

1) A great personality:

 I thought probably like you did that the number one thing would be looks. However, if that was the case we were both fooled. These guys almost all rated personality above everything else.  Heath a Detective from New Zealand stated, “What the hell good does it do you if she looks fantastic but you can’t stand to be around her?” With that statement, I concur.

Men want a woman that he is drawn to, and nothing does that like a great personality. There is nothing more beautiful than a woman with a great smile who looks at you and even if you’re delivering a package to her office she makes you feel as if she is your friend.

A great personality means that you are approachable and that regardless of the circumstances she makes you feel as though everything will be ok. I asked Todd, a Hotel Manager from Huntington West Virginia what was so important about personality to him and he took a drink of his beer and told me this; “Women with good personalities and a great outlook on life tend to make you feel as though you can do anything.” He added, “It’s also good that when you return home at the end of a hard day, you know that she will be in a good mood which in return will brighten your otherwise dreary day.”

Talking to Adam from New Mexico, a website designer while at Aria in the City Center a very beautiful young woman walked by. Adam politely said hello and she totally ignored him. His personality quickly changed and I could tell he wanted to say something negative about her.

He settled down and then he said, ” The one thing I cannot stand is a woman who thinks she is so pretty that she has no personality at all, or if she does it’s a shitty one!”  I let him ramble on for a few minutes as he went on to tell me that he had simply spoken to her to be friendly, not to try to pick her up.

I thought this was the perfect time to inquire as to exactly how important he thought personality was when chosing a woman. His reply: It’s by far the most important aspect of the selection process if you’re looking for a long-term relationship. If it’s simply just for a roll in the hay, it’s dead last. Like the girl I just spoke to, he continued. She has no personality to speak of. Yep, she was pretty, but after not even having the social graces to speak back to someone who said hello, more than likely she’s probably just a pure bitch! Who wants to spend long-term with someone like that?

I asked if he had a girlfriend or wife and he informed me that he did, that she would be down shortly. He was still a little heated about the snub, and at that moment I remembered that generally men have support groups during these moments. this is usually the time when male friends pump up a mans ego by saying something like, “Dude, she was fat anyway or some other insult to make their friend feel better. Hey, I’m married so I’m not about to plug some guys bruised ego about a girl I know absolutely nothing about.

Later, the same girl came by and he started to steam again and I noticed it quickly. I excused myself and walked towards the girl and made eye contact. I spoke to her and she politely waved and I followed her and another female towards another part of the room where they were sitting. From a distance I watched and I observed that they held conversation using sign language.

I didn’t return to the table with Adam, because I understand that many men lack great personalities as well. Although Adam professes to having a girlfriend (which I didn’t see) he above most should understand that having a pleasant personality is something that goes both ways.

I hope that this post if nothing else shows you that in reality no one really knows what men want. Each of us, both men and women are very different in our likes and dislikes when chosing a mate. The list above simply give you an idea of the things men want, however more importantly it lacks what men actually need in a woman.

When talking to all of these men, I noted that not one of them expressed what they needed in a woman. However, they all quickly expressed what they wanted in one. So since they failed to tell us what they need, I decided to tell you what I know each and every man needs in order to make a perfect relationship for his future. Simply put, they need you!

My experiences with dating single moms


If any woman should make the statement that a good man is hard to find its single mothers. Beside trying to raise a child on her own she has to be extra careful in her choice of men. Many times the last one (baby’s father) may have turned out to be a dud, and although they are no longer together she still has to deal with him because of course, he is the biological father.

Knowing that the biological father will possibly be a permenat fixture is a situation some men are simply unwilling to deal with. They may think that the mother is the best thing since sliced bread and the child is wonderful, but having this guy around that may or may not be doing the right things for his child is at times too much drama.

In my younger days I dealt with this situation from both sides of the coin. I was the boyfriend to a woman with a young son, and of course I was the father of a child out of wedlock. I really think that the first situation prepared me for the latter of the two and for that I am grateful. It also gave me an appreciation of how difficult single moms have in attempting to obtain and maintain normal relationships in these situations.

In my second year of college I met a girl I instantly fell for and we became an item. She quickly told me that she had a young son whom was living with her mother while she attended school. This revelation  threw me for a loop, but hey I was smitten with her and since her son was hundreds of miles away I thought, what the hell.

Although I have always loved children the premise of raising a child while attending school and for me playing college basketball would be too difficult a task in the beginning.

However, the next year she and I shared an apartment and after talking it over we decided it would be a great idea if he lived with us as well. We lived together for approximately a year and I have to admit I enjoyed the family atmosphere.

I taught him to read and when I wasn’t on a road trip or at practice I would take him to the park and his favorite place which of course was McDonald’s. Our relationship blossomed and there was a period where we were contemplating marriage. However, as in all relationships there is generally something that simply will not go away, regardless of how hard you wish.

In our relationship it was her sons father. Although they shared the same first name, his father simply wasn’t always the father he should have been, but that’s simply my personal opinion. He lived only two hours or so away but he made very little attempt at spending any real-time with the son.

As for me I assumed the role of being the provider, teacher, disciplinarian and male role model. The one thing I would not do and this is something all men should remember when dating a single mother. We should never try to take the father’s place in the child’s life. We can only fill his space, however never should we attempt to take his place in the mind of the child.

However, as I became really attached to this child that wasn’t mine, I noticed a change in my behavior as well. I enjoyed coming home tired and exhausted from a game or practice and spending time with him while we read a book that I had read as a child myself.

Then although I had promised myself that I would never become too attached to this little boy, I realised I had. I loved his mom and I loved him as well, together we were a family.

During a school break we decided to return to her parents home for a few days before I had to return for a Holiday tournament in another State. That was school for me, studying, practice and intense travel during the season.

While at her parents house the father of the child called and talked to him on the phone. When he got off the phone he was ecstatic, his father was coming to pick him up. I had reservations at first because this wasn’t the first time that he had promised to pick him up and several times he hadn’t shown. However with the close proximity of the father to her parents house I figured he’d show, if not I’d possibly have to pay him a visit.

When the father arrived we were cordial as always, however for the first time I noticed that the child completely forgot about me. I had grown accustomed to being the center of his attention, the person he ran to when he had fallen and hurt himself, the person who tucked him into bed at night, the person who taught him to dribble a basketball, the person who taught him to read.

As he walked out the door and acknowledged everyone in the room with the exception of me, I felt heartbroken somewhat. I felt I had lost something and that I would never get it back, in the position I had coveted in his life or so I thought.

He was only a child and I thought about that fact as I made the long trip back to the school for my basketball trip. I didn’t get to say good-bye because he had spent the night at his fathers and that hurt somewhat. But, I think above everything else, I was simply envious of the bond and relationship he had with his real father.

That’s how children are, they don’t hold grudges if fathers don’t show up on time or fail  to show. They could care less about child support payments and such. They only know unconditional love and as parents we are blessed to receive this affection and warmth from them.

By the spring break things began to change in our relationship. Her grades were suffering and she was having difficulty being both a full-time parent and student. I tried to assist her as much as possible but my schedule was even more hectic. To make matters worse she was running back and forth to court because the father refused to make payments as instructed by the court.

Finally one night she informed me that she had decided to drop out of school and was returning home until she could get control of the situation. I understood and with the promise that she would return for the fall semester she and her son packed and returned home.

We kept the relationship together for as long as we could, however with my schedule for school and traveling it was soon apparent that we were growing apart. Late one night on a road trip I called and was informed that she wasn’t home. When I finally talked to her she informed me that she had went out with friends. One thing led to another and we both knew it was over. We wished one another well and went on with our lives.

Years later when I was in the USAF, I called her parents home on a holiday to say hello and discovered that she had joined the U.S. Army and was stationed in the D.C. area. After getting the number from her mom and telling her son how much I missed him I called her.

It was awkward at first but I then realised that her mom had already contacted her to alert her I would be calling. We talked for a short while and caught up on the changes to our lives and promised to stay in touch, however it never happened. Too much time had elapsed and we had become different people.

Later that year I became a father for the first time myself. Only this time I was the absentee father. When my son was born I was in the middle of a basketball game in Tokyo Japan. As a member of the Pacific Air Forces basketball team, it was life as usual for me. Travel, travel and more travel to shoot basketball and a little work in between.

My sons mom and I tried to keep our relationship together as best we could but as she once told me, there are too many people, places and faces between us. I wanted her and my son to live with me in Hawaii, and she wanted to stay close to family and friends as well as finish school in West Virginia. We couldn’t find common ground, I had a contract with the Air Force that I couldn’t break even if I wanted.

So I did the best I could as an absentee father. However, after seeing what it was like from the other side of the fence I promised to do the very best I could. The only real problem I had was that I was half way around the world.

On my returns home it would always be difficult. I had no problem with my ex having a man in her life, however I did have a problem with him if he had character flaws. Drinking, getting high around my son was a definite no, no.

If they had an argument, I expected him as a man to shield it away from my son and for his own safety I expected him to never lay his hands on her or my son. Arguments occur to everyone, however for my son to witness domestic violence was something I simply would not tolerate.

So one night I arrived home and my cousin picked me up from the airport. I had informed my ex that I would be arriving, however as she stated, “she had heard it before.”

So I arrive and go straight to her house. When I knock on the door she answered it and was very surprised. She invited me in and I walked into the living room where I was met by four basketball players from the local University, sitting around getting high.

One of the players remembered me from the days that I had taught basketball camps. The others had no idea who I was which was fine by me, but I intended to get their attention very quickly.

I asked my sons mom where he was and she informed me that he was in his room playing. I requested that she go and pack him some clothing items because I wanted to take him to my home for the next week. Knowing that I was pissed she quickly disappeared into his bedroom to alert him that I was there.

As soon as she closed the door, I looked at each of the guys playing there and I asked if they knew who I was? The kid who knew me, stood up and grabbed his jacket. I explained to the other three that the little boy who was in the back room was my son and that I found it very disrespectful for them to be smoking weed in the home while he was in the vicinity. I then informed them that I was going to check on my son and upon my return from his room it would be in their best interest for them to be gone.

When my son and his mom walked out into the living room it was empty with the exception of my cousin who was playing a video game. My ex looked at me with that look that only she could give and said, “What did you do?”

Privately, I explained to her that this type of behavior was unacceptable to me. So we went through that, well you live in Hawaii and this is my house scenario. I politely explained that I understood this as well, however as long as my son resided there I expected her boyfriend to get high elsewhere.

After a week, my son and I returned to her mother’s house so that I could see her family as well. While there I explained to her mother as well my concern, and I explained to them both that I didn’t have a problem with her having a boyfriend. However, I expected him to respect the fact that my son belongs to me as well and there are things that I would not tolerate. Unknown to me, either by choice (more than likely), her boyfriend was in the room sitting in a chair quietly. I never acknowledged him and a few weeks later she called me pissed because he had broken up with her. Now how this was my fault I still haven’t figured out to this day. I asked her again to get on the plane with our son and live with me in Hawaii. She refused, ok, I asked anyway.

Finally a few years later she found a boyfriend that was perfect by everyone’s standards. He spent time with her and my son, held down a full college work load as well as a full-time job. Not only did she love him but my son thought he was the greatest thing since sliced bread.

So I get off the plane again and directly after hugging me my cousin says, “Hey, you’ll like her boyfriend he’s cool.” “He takes your son to football and basketball games, walks him to school and his practices.” This was only the beginning.

When I arrive at my grandmother’s house, she states basically the same thing. Then she went up a notch and stated that when I sent packages home to my son the boyfriend would tell him how much he meant to me and how much I loved him.

My first meeting with the new boyfriend was awkward to say the least. However, after a few days of running into my old friends whom all seemed to be fans of his, I realised he was pretty cool and we became acquaintances. One night my friends and I went out to have a few beers and he was invited. We talked and you know what, he was really a good guy.

You know what happened next? She dumped him a few weeks after I left to go overseas. She packed up my son and everything she owned and accepted a job in another State. The next time I ran into him was when I went home for my Grandmothers funeral. He was a shell of himself. We drank a few beers and he poured his heart out to me about how much he loved her and wanted to marry her. I felt sorry for him to be honest, so I consoled him as best men can and wished him the best. I really hope my liking him had nothing to do with her leaving him.

Anyway, as I wrote in a previous post, before my son was born we had an agreement. The agreement was that whenever he was old enough to determine who he would like to live with that was where he would reside. In the mean time though, she and I had many conversations and I explained to her that many men would really only want her. Some men simply would not want to do the whole family thing with a child that did not belong to them. I told her that I understood how difficult it was to sustain a serious relationship as a single mother. I also explained to her that in the event that she met a guy who was worthy of her, but he wasn’t ready for the role of dealing with a child that all she had to do was pick up the phone and I would be more than happy to have my son with me. I told her that she would still be his mother and no one could change that fact, nor would I want to. She declined as all good mothers would, but she appreciated the thought.

A few years later she contacted me and informed me that she was getting married to a man I had yet to meet. She went on and on about him and then she got to the punch line. He wanted to adopt my son. Yep, that’s what I said too, “What!”

By now I was a whole lot more mature that I had been when I first became a father and this maturity served me well. With tact and diplomacy, I informed her that although I could appreciate the offer, this was something that I would not and could not allow.

Then I jumped on the first plane from the Middle East so that I could meet this man in person. He was nice enough, and he explained that he simply wanted my son to know that he wasn’t simply marrying his mom. He wanted him to know that he intended to make them an intact family, my son included. I shared my thoughts on this  and in the end we sat down with my son and explained the whole situation. I like the guy in a weird kind of way, but giving up my son was not something I would ever entertain for anything.

By the way, they didn’t get married either. However, I promise I had nothing to do with their break-up. By this time I was already married and unknown to me, that within a year and a half I would be getting my wildest dream come true. My son woke up one morning and asked if he could come and live with me!

My ex held up to the agreement that we had made before he was born and through tears she put him on the plane to me where he has remained. Hopefully now, since she has long since finished her degree she will be able to meet a man who is worthy of her. Now although she is still a single mother, she is truly single and available.

In that one selfless act she opened up her options in the area of dating to include all men, not simply men that would date a woman with a child, but all men. She is still young, beautiful and has a lot to offer any man who is lucky enough to have the opportunity to meet her. She’s also a great mother and my son is a living testiment to that.

A few weeks ago she called and I was on my way to work. We chatted about things old and new and then she asked me a question as a way of feeling me out. The question was, ” What would you think if I dated a guy outside our race?”

I laughed because she knew as well as I did that color of a person’s skin has never been an issue for me.  Then I explained to her that regardless of who she chose to date we would accept him as long as she was happy. I think she appreciated the honesty and I appreciated the fact that we have come so far as the unmarried parents of a son we both truly love.

Being a single mother isn’t easy, but if you have patience and faith the right man can and will come along. He’ll love you and your children as well and assist you with creating the complete family you so rightly deserve.

Why you may want to re-think marrying a Pro Athlete


Turn on your TV and they’re everywhere, hawking shoes, cars, credit cards, soup, watches, you name it and there is a professional athlete endorsing it. These men whom seem larger than life (and in some cases are) have become rock stars since the invent of cable and satellite TV.

They are young, handsome and rich! Young boys want to be like them (I wanna be like Mike), adult men idolize them and women worship them like they’re the reincarnation of the Beatles. Who would have ever thought that dribbling a basketball or catching a football would one day propel simple men to such global iconic status.

However, with all of this wealth and adulation comes a price and many professional athletes are paying or have paid this price at one time or another. This price is failure to maintain matrimonial relationships. Now why this major failure exists is anyones guess, however we can speculate that at the base of it is the lack of one major ingredient necessary to maintain any relationship, trust.

While I was in the middle of writing this post I received a phone call from a female friend of mine and out of the blue i posed this questions to her. “Would you consider marrying a professional athlete?” After asking why I would ask such a question (she doesn’t know about this blog), she responded quite eagerly, “Hell yes!”

My next question to her was why? She informed me that she would because of the status it would afford her and the wealth. However, she added that she wouldn’t be foolish enough to actually think that he might be faithful to her.

This statement sums up why the divorce rate for professional athletes hovers between 60-80%.  There is no real trust going in so how could they possibly sustain any real relationship?

Now, before people blow a gasket on the above statement lets take a look at trust from the athletes prospective. Here’s a guy whom more than likely came from a lower-income family and because of his athletic prowess he garners tons of attention. Women that probably wouldn’t even speak to him if he wasn’t on the cover of some magazine are now jockeying for position to spend time with him. Oh, and this is while he is in College, he hasn’t even made it yet.

Turn on the TV and he’s on sports center and in the school book store you can purchase his jersey for $75 plus tax. (oh, and by the way he makes no profit from this sale). When his stock really rises, agents begin to not only pop up, but they also arrive in the form of  women. Hey, he’s in college so legally he cannot talk to an agent yet. But, that doesn’t keep agents from dealing with his girlfriend (the one he wouldn’t have had if he wasn’t a rising star). Agents know that if they can get to her, she could possibly steer him to them when the time comes for a professional contract.

So now, draft day comes and this kid whose mother worked two shifts at a local mill gets drafted in the first round and it’s just like hitting the lottery! Thirty million dollars and a ten million dollar signing bonus and he hasn’t even suited up for a NBA, NFL or MLB team yet. To make things even worse, reporters publicize these figures in the news, telling the world how wealthy this 21-year-old kid is.

In no other section of our society (other than actors/actresses) do they publicize how much an individual makes to the world. Could you imagine if one day you open your neighborhood newspaper and in big bold print it read, “MAGAN promoted to Office Manager @ $95K  per year”. It’d be pretty awkward to say the least.

So now, if he thought he was popular in College he hasn’t seen nothing yet. Now, he’s popular and wealthy, overnight. He now discovers that he has friends and family he never knew existed and everyone wants something from him, everyone. He begins to question everyone’s motives for approaching him, especially women. College women are one thing, random women who run up to him in the mall are something else totally. Phone numbers on the windshield of his new Hummer begin to wear thin after a while. Oh, and he hasn’t even ran into the apparatus called the “Professional Groupie.” (Refer to video at the end of this post)

So believe me when I tell you that by the time he ever reaches the alter he has been exploited by the University, girlfriends, agents and family members. Therfore he’ll be having trust issues in his sleep for years to come.

How do you find the woman of your dreams when the rules have changed and you’re not a regular guy anymore by societal standards? This is a tough question I think. How can you trust anyone when with every woman you take out you’re asking yourself, “Is she with me because she really likes me, or because of who I am”? Sometimes the answer to this question could be answered by simply looking into the mirror. There is no way on this earth that Mike Tyson was supposed to end up with Robin Givens. Sorry Mike, but I had to say it and I am just being real.

Making it more difficult to trust anyone is the stories he will read in the tabloids, hear from his teammates and coaches about how some player is getting divorced and his wife is taking him to the cleaners. If that isn’t enough to make him skeptical in the love department then the tales of paternity suits and allegations of sexual and physical assault surely won’t make him feel any safer.

Smart athletes if possible marry their H.S. sweetheart. Women that stood beside them when they had never been interviewed on national tv. Women that stood beside them when they had nothing and his sports prowess meant nothing to her, she was with him because they were in love.

Unfortunately even that isn’t enough today, Dwayne Wade and his wife are in a bitter divorce. These two had been together since the 7th grade. Oh, and by the way, he’s now dating Gabrielle Union whom his ex states caused the split. Drama, so much drama.

So now, since some of you will undoubtably still accept an opportunity to wed a pro athlete let me ask this. Could you marry a man with trust issues to begin with? Think about it, if this were a regular guy who worked a regular job and you felt that he may not be faithful to you, would you marry him anyway?

The first sign of lack of trust is the Prenuptial agreement. Unconditional love would never suggest such a thing and would be appalled at the thought. How could anyone consciously ask someone to sign a document saying that in the event the marriage doesn’t work  you get X Y & Z? It baffles my mind when someone famous gets divorce and the media questions whether he or she has a prenuptial agreement.  I always ask myself, what the hell was she or he thinking?

Do you know what a prenup does for marriages? It tells both parties that the marriage probably won’t last and they expect it not to. It also tells the person who is asked to sign it that they are worth a specific amount of cash, property etc if they agree to marry this person. That’s not love folks, its warped thinking by people who place material wealth above everything else, to include real love.

If for whatever reason my wife requested a divorce from me today, this is what I would do. I know this because we went through a rough patch a couple of years ago. We discussed divorce and legal separation and this is exactly what I told her; “I will not allow any attorney to determine who gets what in a marriage that they were never apart of. We’ll pick up the documents, we’ll fill them out together and you may have anything you want. All I really care about is having access to my children unconditionally. I told her that she could have any and all investments, the house, checking accounts and furnishings because I can start over. The most important thing to me was ensuring that the lives of my children didn’t change one bit.

Well we worked through it and fortunately we’re still together. In our society today it’s too damn easy to simply get a divorce. No one ever said that marriage was easy. However it can be if you chose to work together instead of quitting at the first sign of trouble.

Recently, we’ve seen Tiger Woods divorced, Dwayne Wade getting a divorce, Tony Parker and Eva Longoria called it splits earlier this week and although few know, Steve Nash and his wife are splitting as well. Oh, and the woman who Tony Parker is suspected of having an affair with is getting a divorce as well and her husband is a former NBA player, go figure.

A  lot of these divorces can also be attributed to the choices these athletes make in their selection of the women they marry. Sit down and try to watch (to watch a whole episode is considered cruel and unusual punishment) a few minutes of “Basketball Wives”. It will allow you to understand why the divorce rate within this industry is so damn high. 

However, in the midst of all of this drama and the carnage left behind with all of these divorces there are still a few players who still have solid marriages. After Magic Johnson’s announcement most women would have run, all the way to the bank. Not Cookie, she’s stood beside him through thick and thin. When Kobe had his indiscretion in that Colorado hotel, Vanessa could have taken him for everything if she chose, and instead she stood beside the man she loves. Guess what the both of these marriages have in common? Neither have a prenuptial agreement. They were both lucky enough to discover women who loved them unconditionally, not for what they can get.

Now before I go I want to share one more thing with you. Hillary Clinton didn’t leave Bill Clinton when he was being grilled by Republicans about his supposed affair with a White House intern. She could have and no one would have blamed her, instead she stood by her man. When asked about this, Hillary stated, “There are things that are far worse in marriage than infidelity”. Maybe she’s right?