Why he won’t say, “I love you”


“I love you”, there I said it and it wasn’t that hard. However, with some men, to get them to say those three little words is like pulling teeth. They simply refuse to say it and I know its frustrating to the women whom they share their lives with. Last weekend I went to meet with some male friends after work and a couple of female friends tagged along.

Over a few beers we engaged in this terrific conversation about why it’s so damn hard for men to profess their love for a woman. One of my female friends confessed that her boyfriend of nearly two years has never uttered those words. She stated that several times he’s came close but the answer she gets most when she says it to him is “Ditto”.

She said that after all of this time together she knows that he really loves her (evident in the three calls she got in a 2 hour period), but he simply cannot utter those simple words. Oh, and at the end of one of the calls she placed him on speakerphone and told him she loved him before the call ended. You know what his response was? “Me too!”

One of my male friends attempted to explain away why we don’t say it by insisting that if we told every woman we dated that we loved them then the words eventually become hollow. He went on to say that love to him meant forever! He also added that forever, was a very long time and he wasn’t ready for that type of commitment.

Another friend chimed in and his version was a little bit graphic. I had to chastise him for his depiction of what women would do just to hear those three little words. After the beer we had drank, I think he forgot that we were in the company of two women.

His take on the words was that it has opened a lot of doors (and legs) for him. He continued that he utilizes these words as a tool to satisfy his urges and get him out of hot water if necessary. He went on to tell us how he had dated this girl for six months and still no action (meaning sex). He said he really liked her and they spent countless hours together at dinner and he even took her on a couple of trips to Cancun.

However, he said that it was always the same excuse (his words, not mine), that whenever they got to the good part she would tell him that she wasn’t ready.  He said it was cool for awhile and it became a game to him, but then he grew tired and decided it was time to move on. According to him she continued calling him and although he wasn’t interested anymore he felt that if he walked away now after warming her up, some other idiot might hit the jackpot and he would be pissed.

So one night she called and he explained that he simply felt that the relationship wasn’t leading anywhere. He said that she took it well, however right before he hung up he decided to try his secret weapon (as he called it), and said “I love you” before he hung up. According to him she was at his door less than an hour later and he hit the jackpot for several months. That is until he discovered that several other men must have told her the same thing because she was sleeping with her ex and her apartments maintenance man during the same time. (The two women with us got a kick out of that, with one reminding him that’s what he gets for misusing the words.)

We moved our conversation from the pool tables to a large booth and another male in the group decided it was his turn to chime in. He relayed that old story that women wanted sensitive men, so he has made it a point to let any woman that he was dating know exactly how he felt. His position was that you shouldn’t keep people guessing, you should let them know exactly where they stand.

He went on to proclaim that he tells his current girlfriend that he loves her all of the time. When asked how long they had been together he stated 3 months, at which my now nearly drunk friend (above), told him he was a sell out to men everywhere. LOL. He also informed him that he should be careful because once you tell them you love them it’s hard to get rid of them. At this point I cut off his drinking.

When my second friend continued he explained that he’d only said that to women he really cared about and it had taken him time (albeit 3 mos) to be able to open up the his current girlfriend. He went on to say that he was pretty sure that she was the one he’d spend his future with and he looked forward to growing old together. At this point the two women with us were swooning at his honesty. Unfortunately my nearly drunk friend wasn’t having it, and reminded him that he had told us the same thing about his former girlfriend. (I quickly ordered him a hot coffee)

Now it was the second female of the groups time to add to the conversation. Wine has a special affect on women and I for one like the way it mellow them if consumed in moderation. She is normally quiet and somewhat shy and I have to admit it surprised me that she wanted to hang out with us.

She said that in her younger years that she had fallen prey to guys whom just said those words to convince her they were sincere (We all looked at my half drunken friend). But as she matured she realized that it wasn’t so much the words but the actions she concerned herself with now. She continued by stating that she had been seduced by several men whom professed their love for her and in return she was cheated on and in one relationship physically abused.

Continuing she said yes, women enjoy hearing those words and many times they seek them from men to clarify their positions in their lives. However, she cautioned that what good are the words if his actions don’t match what he’s telling you over and over again. She looked across the table to the other female member of the group and told her that although her boyfriend won’t say the words, she should know that he really loves you. She said it was evident in the way he looks at her and listens to her. She went on to say that she remembered days when he had left his job to pick her up at work because she didn’t feel good and then took the rest of the day off to care for her. (I looked over and they both had tears welling up in their eyes.)

For her she went on, now it wasn’t the words anymore. It now was all about the actions of the person she chose to be with. Her next man (when she said this my near drunk friend perked up) according to her would be someone who cared about her and showed her how he feels because the words can sometimes be hallow. She finished by saying that women put too much emphasis on what men say and not enough on how they act in relationships. It was nice to hear her say this, however, the mood was broken because as soon as she finished and we were all basking in her words my near drunk friend looked at her and said, “I love you”! We all broke into laughter and he fell asleep not realizing what he had just said.

It was a good night, shooting pool and having drinks with friends. I learned from each of them and I hope there is something in their conversations that can assist you as well. It amazes me how differently we view the same subject, but then again I guess we really are.

Oh, before I leave you today maybe I should tell you what I said on the subject. I won’t write it here because it will make the post run rather long and for many of you the discussions of my friends may be enough. However, for those of you that would like to hear my take on this topic, you can read it in my discussions by visiting Anonymousmale1 on facebook.  See you there!

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6 comments on “Why he won’t say, “I love you”

  1. Sounds like these people need Jesus. Worldly answers to our problems are a dime a dozen and are constantly changing to meet culture’s standards and needs. Funny how there is One thing that has always remained a constant despite the fact the majority of society chooses not to follow it because we think we are smarter.Just a little food for thought.

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  4. Hi there,

    First of all, thank you for mentioning my blog post on your Facebook page. “another of my favorite bloggers”? Thank you! I am not on FB so it took me awhile to track down the increase in hits on the ‘girl crush’ posts 🙂 Not many new comments, though. Ahem.

    As for this particular topic, it seems that problems start when we attach code meanings to “I love you,” rather than the simple “it is what it is” of it. For what it’s worth from a female point of view, here is a copy-paste from an e-mail I recently sent to a friend:

    The way I’ve experienced it (both saying it and having it said to me) is that it’s actually empowering – saying it liberates you because it’s not your ego talking anymore. When you love someone, the ego dissipates and you no longer feel that you need to protect the make-believe integrity of this poor little scared person that we all seem to be deep down. Loving someone means being able to live with this love, whether it’s reciprocated or not, and saying it doesn’t endanger one as a person, but just ackowledges the presence of this love. I guess just feeling it, let alone saying it, could be dramatic for some people, but if there is fear in saying it, then perhaps it’s not love but a little less-than-love, whatever that may be. Perhaps that’s the difference between saying “I love you because I need you”, and “I need you because I love you”.

  5. Great article. Ever see the movie “Marry Me”? The woman in the relationship says, “I love you” without even thinking about it before she hangs up the phone with her boyfriend who HAS NOT said those words to her yet. She’s in the presence of her friends when she does this and then after hanging up the phone says, “OH NO!!!!!!!” Like it’s the end of the world for her to say it first. Funny moment. Later that evening after seeing him – he is about to leave and then says, “Oh yeah – and by the way, I love you too” It’s a validating moment for her – so relieved that she hasn’t read to much into their relationship. We are funny creatures aren’t we? We love to have our pride and self stroked and feel safe and not vulnerable. But that is exactly what love does to you – you are always at risk with your heart – it’s exhilarating and scary all at the same time when you’re first learning the dance. But ultimately everyone wants to be with someone who makes them feel safe – and that’s who we usually end up with.

  6. you are just plane WRONG! ,this is how it works. i have had 3 ladys in 23 years ,,
    yeh know ,, “nice guy” / looser shoulder to cry on type

    ladys want to have a man to win over & ladys HATE men that tell them that
    they have feelings for them , as they ACT like it is a sign of weakness in a man
    so we get it beat into our heads that we are not allowed to say “i love you”
    you want him to say it , stop throwing away men who say it ,,, OK! OK DEAL!

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