Why women should set goals for relationships


Almost everyone I know sets goals for everything they do in life, that’s why most if not all are successful. We as people set goals for life, business, school, sports and almost everything in between. Recently while looking at the goals I set for this blog (posted on my bathroom mirror) I realized that although I am close to achieving almost every single one I began to wonder, if goals are good for everything else in life why not for relationships?

Do women set goals for relationships? If you do, how successful have you been with it? I’d like to know, because if it works for you I think it would be great to share it with other women who may want to try it.

However, since this is something that just slapped me in the face while shaving I figured I’d share possible goals women could utilize for their relationships. I hope this helps someone out there to eliminate wasting time on hopeless men and years they’ll never get back in doing so. By following these guidelines it may get you to the perfect man in a shorter amount of time therefore avoiding all men that are simply just unworthy of you. So lets begin with setting goals for your relationship, OK?

Now, back to those goals we need to set. First off we’ve all seen women both friends, sisters, nieces, daughters and cousins who have been in long term relationships with men and they are no closer to getting married years later than they were when they first entered the relationship.

Honestly this is not good at least that’s my opinion on the matter. Why spend your youthful days on someone who has no intention of marrying you? People split up all the time and to waste five years on a man only for the two of you to break-up is crazy. That means for five long years you’ve been off the market and missed out on the chance to meet many single men whom would have loved nothing more that to have you as his wife and life mate. Unfortunately, you were tied up on a promise that never came. You know the promise, “Eventually, we’ll get married.” Hell, when? All those excuses about let’s finish our degrees, wait until we have enough money saved, I’m happy the way we are and my personal  favorite, “Why should we get married, we’ve been together longer than our friends and now they’re divorced?” All this is just a smoke screen for the real fact that he’s comfortable with you but he’s not about to make the ultimate commitment to show you and the world, how much.

How many of us know women whom have lived with a guy for a long time, helped him finish school or some other form of professional training with the hopes that when he had completed it they would get married? Only to have him complete it and then leave her to marry someone else? Probably all of us know someone just like this and it’s sad.

So for our short term goal lets start with this: Determine exactly how long you should stay with a person before you know if he’s marriage material or not. (Remember this is short term, so typically it should be six months to a year)

Lets look at this for what it’s worth. Why do you need a long term relationship to get married? We can look at this from two different perspectives, some say you should be with someone for several years before getting married, I don’t think so, I think a year, possibly two is a good time and I’ll tell you why.

If you spend three, four years with someone you know everything about them. You’ve heard all of their jokes, know their weaknesses and can finish their sentences. Love making is not new to you two, you’ve been doing it for several years now. What could you possibly have to talk about that could keep you interested in the first years of marriage? Probably nothing because you already know everything about one another.

Now, you take the same two people and they get married after one year. They have so much to talk about, they’re still learning about each other. Sexually they’re still exploring one another and it’s fun because now you live together as man and wife. I’ve been married for awhile now and my wife still tells me stories about her childhood that keep me on the edge of my seat with laughter. These stories were great for teasing my in-laws on their visits. Hell, if we went out for five years before we got married these stories and conversations would be old to me by now and the sexual aspect would have too.

So don’t let some guy with a promise of a ring turn you into a spinster. Refuse to let some idiot whom doesn’t know or possibly care that he’s wasting your youth and looks by stringing you along with the promise of marriage. If he was going to marry you, it really should have been done before you knew everything about him, his family, his distant relatives, his classmates and everything in between.

There are really no excuses for not marrying a woman you profess serious love for. Money cannot be an issue, because once you are married you can combine incomes and work together to save your nest egg. Buying a home? It cracks me up when some idiot tells me that first he wants to own a home before he gets married so they’ll have somewhere to stay. Whatever, first off why would you chose a home before you get married for a wife you don’t have? Then when you get a wife, what makes you think she will really like to live in the home that you expect her to help you pay for and gave her no opportunity to select? Just a thought.

So now, if you’ve committed giving 6 months to a year to determine this fact then you also need a second goal in order to shore up the first one. This goal will be to determine how long you are willing to wait to become engaged. If it takes approximately 6 months for you to know if he is actually a very good man and you two are definitely and item and feel the same for one another then a reasonable goal of  an additional 6 months to become engaged should be in order. This then becomes your intermediate goal.

For the long term goal which is the most important is the amount of time you will be willing to remain engaged and off the market before getting married which should be the ultimate objective. Oh, and remember this: “The goal is where we want to be. The objectives are the steps needed to get you there.” By my estimation and again this is simply my way of thinking, a reasonable amount of time between engagement to marriage is one year.  A year allows you and he to plan your marriage without rushing and have enough time to iron out any wrinkles in the process. More than a year to me (and again this is simply my thinking) is simply another stall tactic that will string you along again and again.

Now I understand that some women may not be ready for marriage, and that’s fine, its their choice, their right. However, I am writing this post for those of you who feel that living with a man for years without some clear defined plan for the future is simply unacceptable.

Yes believe me when I tell you that I do know that people get married and then divorced. I know it happens all of the time worldwide. I also know that from the female standpoint it would be much better to tell your next man that you were married and it didn’t work, as compared to well, we lived together for 9 years and then one day he told me he was in love with someone else.

The first statement the new man thinks, “Damn he must have been an idiot to let a beautiful woman like you get away!” If its the second statement, the same man will be thinking, “Damn, you must be an idiot to stay with a guy that long without a ring.” What would you like the next man (if there is one) to think about you?

By now many of you are thinking, should I let him know about my goals for my future? My answer is “You’re damn right you should.”  Before you ever jump into bed with him or commit yourself to a so called dating relationship. Now some of you will think that to mention marriage to a man you just started seeing is ludicrous. You think it will scare him off somehow, right. Well to this I say, B.S! The talk of marriage only scare men that have as their only goal to get you into bed.  Any real man will listen to you and your goals, think about them for awhile and decide if they are acceptable and realistic goals for him and his future as well. He won’t comment on them right away, he’ll think about them and you while he determines if you are the right one or not. This is cool, because your short term goal was to determine if he was marriage material or not anyway.

Note: It is very important for you determine before ever sleeping with a man you like or have feelings for if you two are in a relationship or not. You do this by asking; “Are we officially a couple now, or is this something you just want to do?” Asking him this way gives him an out, in the event that all he wanted was sex. It gives you an out as well, because if he is honest enough to tell you the truth he may be worth still getting to know without compromising your honor and integrity. Most importantly though, you cannot stick to your goal timelines if you don’t know exactly when you started dating.

All of this of course is simply a thought that hopefully assist many of you. However, before you decide if setting a relationship goal for yourself I suggest taking a look at your current relationship. How long have you been together? A year, two, five or more, where is it headed? Will he ever marry you or are you content with being his live in lover forever or until he decides to move on? Look at your friends relationships as well and ask yourself where they are going in it.

Question, how many of you have been in long term relationships only to break-up and your ex married his next girlfriend within a year? This happens a lot, women break a man in and the next woman benefits from all of your hard work and suffering. By suffering, I mean the heartbreak associated with breaking up after many years of being together, and then again because he is now married and you’re in another long term relationship. When will it end? I tell you when, the day you decide to set goals for your relationship future. It can’t hurt, can it?

Oh, and one final lifetime goal: To remain married until death do us part, amen!

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7 comments on “Why women should set goals for relationships

  1. Great article! Love the male insight on these issues – so refreshing! Women tend to be ‘victims’ so many times because they will not state exactly what they expect from the relationship and let the man be in charge of it – pretending to be okay with the ‘waiting’ for a marriage proposal. My husband of almost 30 years tells me all the time when we discuss this subject, ‘women have more power than they think’ – and he’s right. There are ways to motivate a man to marriage and not just a relationship. The reason why one women will stay in a long-term no where relationship is because she does not own what she wants – and will not live it. The next woman got him to commit and marry her in a short amount of time because she was clear on her intentions – and would not settle for anything less. A man will respect that and look for that quality in a life partner – a man wants someone who will ‘make him be a better man’. I truly believe this. And it boils down to emotional health too. For example – if people are not healthy and waiting for someone to ‘complete’ them – then they will be disappointed. If we are not healthy in ourselves then we tend to allow the other person to ‘script’ out our life for us – and that includes being with someone that looks good because he makes me feel good – but in reality the guy just wants to have fun.
    For myself it was simple – I would never have lived with a man before marrying him. Call me old fashioned – but I was looking for a man to marry me – not live with me. My husband knew that. He also would not have lived with anyone prior to marriage – and we both had our share of other relationships.
    Bottom line: Be healthy and complete in yourself first. Decide what you will or will not settle for. Find someone who is like minded on the issues so there will be no misunderstanding. Don’t stay in a dead end relationship with someone emotionally immature who sees you as a stepping stone to a permanent relationship. Be the permanent relationship.

  2. Very interesting article. I have had my ups and downs with relationships. If I have learned anything from all the mistakes I encountered, was to become friends first in a relationship. Get to know someone before taking that plunge into a serious relationship. This builds for becoming “Best Friends” and what more could build a successful future together, then having your “Best Friend” at your side.

  3. Goals are important in every aspect of life, Relationships can be a bit difficult to set goals for though. You’ll want to set them but don’t get seriously upset if you don’t hit one when you say you should. It’s just a goal and can be reset to the situation at hand.

  4. Hi, Darling!! Had no idea you had a blog and I love it!! If you wanna guest post at mine, feel free to let me know…otherwise, I am a fan! Just blown away at how deep your blog goes and we need to get the word out so you can shine!

    Jacqueline

  5. Well, it might work if I saw free men whom I find sexually attractive. But I don’t.. and without sexual attraction, there is NO relatioship to start with with an unf’ckable man.

    So even if I meet tens of new men each year, it means absolutely nothing since I meet only 2-3 men whom I find attractive enough to think of sex.

    And planning on those men who are in relationships with some other women, is a way of self-delusion I don’t practice.

    Good luck on planning to you all, whom finding someone suitable is so easy – as about anyone seems to work for you.

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