Is getting your ex back really a good decision?

    “There is an innate desire in all creatures to grow…Yet in any type of growth and change something has to end for something new to begin” ~Unknown


Recently while I was surfing the web I noticed tons of advertising for books on “Getting your Ex back” everywhere. This made me wonder about the state of many relationships and I ask myself this question, which now I will pose to you; “Why would you want to get back with someone who broke your heart?”

Let that thought simmer in your brain for a minute and think back to all of the sleepless nights, laying in bed wondering if he was true to you, his selfish nature, cheating, lying, treating you like crap. Why in the world would anyone want to cross that bridge again?

My next question to you is, “If the relationship was so great, why did it end?”  I will tell you, it ended because it was supposed to end. Relationships that we form over the years are really training zones to prepare us for the one we’re really supposed to be with in the end. Not every man who you date is the one for you, however with that said, most are simply there to educate you on what you do or do not want in the real man you’re seeking as a life mate.

Relationships are just like life, they are tests, a classroom full of experience. Some of you will graduate by learning how not to repeat the same mistakes and move on to the one you were intended for. Others will continue making mistakes, some bigger than others and make this process harder for themselves.

If you are jumping through hoops right now trying to win your ex back, you are making a big mistake. You have not learned your self-worth and simply do not understand that there is a man, a good man out there looking for you right now. One that is probably the man of your dreams, and he cannot find you or you him if you focus on a past relationship that failed.

When women suffer through pains and still try to rekindle a relationship with an ex, it’s not because of love. No it’s not, it’s because of comfort. You want him back because regardless of how miserable he made you, you were comfortable with him and you refuse to accept change.

You may like the way he makes love to you (when he does) or the way he looks, but everything else he does you may hate. This all goes back to what I wrote a long time ago, you can love him all you want, but if you don’t like him as a person why punish yourself by staying or attempting to get him back when it’s over?

It amazes me that we as people don’t understand that if the person you were with would not change to keep you, they will not change if you take them back. Why should they? By taking them back you are simply sending them a message that you will accept them for what they are and who they are.

If you chose to accept them back, then you need to understand that more than likely you will be right back at your break-up point within a few short weeks. The reason I tell you this is because there was no change, no effort, no resolution to speak of.

How many times have you been in a relationship and then it ends for whatever reason? We go through different emotional feelings as we attempt to adjust to this new change in our lives. The person we were with had been a fixture in our lives for months, weeks or even years and now there is a void where they once were.

Emotionally, we sometimes feel like the man who lost a leg in a Coal mining accident, the leg is long gone, however mentally it still itches from time to time. So there are times when we really mis our ex, like when we visit places that bring back old memories.

One thing about human nature is that we tend to block out bad memories, opting instead to hang onto the good ones. We remember our ex and we revert back to happier times, times long gone. You remember things like getting caught in the rain and he used his coat to keep you dry, and then gently kissed you for the first time on your front steps while he was soaking wet.

You tend to remember the day you wrecked your car and he showed up and held you close making sure you were ok all the while whispering that everything would be alright. You remember how when you first began he couldn’t stay away from you too long, he had to see you no matter how difficult it might be for him. Oh, and don’t forget the long lovemaking sessions that seemed like marathons and left you both exhausted and pleased on sweaty sheets.

All of these things you remember fondly and it makes you yearn for the good old days with the man you loved. However, in your mental Rolodex you’ve simply overlooked the fact that somewhere through time he had changed. You don’t think about the guy who wouldn’t return your calls in the end, always telling you how busy he was when he returned home. You’ve forgotten about how he spent hours surfing dating sites on the internet, complete with his own profile.

You’ve forgotten about how he made you feel when he screamed at you in public, and even the sting of humiliation has been omitted in your though process. Hey, what about the day when some random girl called him while you and he were watching a movie and he got up and talked to her in another room? Did you chose to forget about that as well?

What about the occasions when he came home late and you could have sworn that he smelled like women’s perfume, a perfume that wasn’t like yours? Or the times in the end where he simply didn’t want to touch you, let alone make love to you?  Thinking back he was probably also very secretive during the last few months and became a person you hardly recognized.

The person we are with when a relationship ends is hardly the person we began with. We all change over time because this is simply human nature, however with that said the goal is to grow and change together not separately.

By now you may be thinking that not so long ago you and your ex broke-up and he was more like the person listed second than the man you originally started with. If this is the case then try asking yourself this question; “Didn’t you try to get him to revert back to the person he was before you chose to break up with him?”

He knew that if he didn’t change back then the possibility of you and he parting was very good. Apparently, he refused to change and now he’s your ex boyfriend for just this reason. Now for a second question, I have to ask this; “What on earth makes you think if you get back with him that he will change now?”

Lets look at where you are now and see if getting your ex back is a good idea for you? Currently, you are in a single situation. There is a multitude of available single men out there right now looking for a woman just like you. By failing to capitalize on the time you have to meet Mr. Right, You are simply hanging on to the past.

Right now, I am sure you have many of your girlfriends who are telling you the same thing and your thoughts are they simply do not know how you feel. In their haste to help you they are trying to set you up with men that they think you’ll like.

However, what they are really doing is introducing you to men that they like, because only you know what is really what you want and need in a man. So the next time they tell you that they found the perfect man for you, secretly you should know that they found the perfect man for them. Hey, as friends you can pick out shoes or dresses for one another, but selecting a man is something that you should do for yourself.

Now the other side of this equation is that you can give into your whims and try to get your ex back. Although the ending left a bad taste in your mouth, maybe he’ll really change and you two can rekindle your relationship magic and make things work this time. Or not!

If you’re willing to ignore the things that caused the break-up to begin with and accept all of his faults, you can make a go of it if he’s willing. You also may want to consider that the time that you two were apart if he was actually as heartbroken as you. If not, then he may not have waited for you as you did he. He may have dated, tasted his new-found freedom and enjoyed the company of a bevy of women seeking your replacement.  If this is the case he may not be as eager to return to a relationship that he may feel was mundane as you are. Just a thought.

Now, before I end this I need to make something perfectly clear. I am sure that these books on “How to get your Ex back” are full of priceless information and they will serve many people well. However, with that said, I would like to point out that trying to get your ex back is easier if you can answer these questions; “Do you love him & is he worth trying to work it out?”

If your answers to both these are yes, then by all means arm yourself with the information in these books to assist you with making your dream come true of getting him back. I hope it works out for you in the end, and if it does, I’d love to hear about it so drop me a note and let me know if you would. Thank you in advance.


8 comments on “Is getting your ex back really a good decision?

  1. Pingback: Is getting your ex back really a good decision? | Online Dating Sites, Dating Services and Matchmaker Tips |

  2. What would you recommend someone do if…..

    the break up occurred during a time when you were going through a difficult time and acting out of character. He broke up w you because he was unhappy because you were arguing more from being stressed out. You still wanted to be with him and work things out and the break up caused you a great deal of heartache and pain. Now those difficulties in life have settled down. He wants to be friends, spend time together, has attempted several times to do so after the break up. You still feel upset and hurt but still love and miss him?

    • Most times in situations like this it’s less about you and he and more about lack of communication. Right now he probably wants to take you back but you haven’t explained to him why you were acting this way to begin with. Nor have you given him any reassurances that you will not revert back to this particular behavior. I would suggest that you have a talk with him and explain everything about what you were going through and apologyze for your behavior and beg his forgiveness. You should then ask if it was possible for you and he to try again to become the couple you once were. In the future when things are going bad for you, I suggest that you include your significant other and inform them of your situation so that they can assit you with working your way through it. In relationships when one goes through bad times, you both go through it, however its better if the other person knows what and why they’re going through. It’s call communication!

  3. Well written. I have this believe that if a man breaks up with you, either he has really thought about it or he just inmature of making such decision. Therefore , no point getting back to them. Changes is always difficult , but if we persevere and get through it , life would be better. I really like the idea / question –
    “Do you love him & is he worth trying to work it out?”
    Relationship is about supporting each other and working out difficulties. Otherwise what’s the point of staying in when you are the one working hard on it.

    I have been single for sometime , and really getting off the idea of meeting the right person. What’s the criterion of this Right person ? Sooner or later , I’m worried of getting de-illussioned of finding the Right person ? When is a guy ready for a serious relationship ? There’s an article of yours stated guys are fickled-minded. How to find a guy who will stand by you through thick and thin ?


  4. Thank you for the reply. I do appreciate your helpful thoughts and advice. I have been dealing with the break up from this relationship for the past two years. He was well aware of the situation that was occuring during that time. I did apologize for my actions during that time, explained to him what was going on for me, and did attempt to be friends with him mostly in the hopes that we would be able to patch things up. I did explain to him that I would be willing to try to work on things if he were indeed still interested in a relationship and he and I did ‘talk’ a lot after the break up. However, because I was so hurt from the break up and how he treated me during that time (because I do not believe I had done something so horrificly wrong to receive such treatment) I felt like I could no longer trust him, and now questioned his integrity and commitment to the relationship. If something difficult occured again I wondered if he would react in the same way…… dumping me or walking away. That is not the type of person I want to be with despite the fact that I loved him and wanted very much to continue our relationship. I believe if you love someone you would stand by them in good times and in bad. The interactions with him after the break up we very painful and upsetting for me because of these things even though I did still have feelings for him and wanted to work things out. I felt like our relationship had been damaged by his poor response to the situation. The result has been, ultimately, me pushing him away and choosing not to be friends or have any communication with him because of how painful the situation was to me. I think of him every day and miss him and am not sure really what to do other than give it time with the hopes that the hurt from the experience will heal eventually. He still wants to be friends, has apologized, and says he understand why I would be so upset with him. We both remain single to this day.

  5. Best Blog post I have read in a long time.
    After reading this post you have given me a greater understanding of why I should never have even entered the idea of taking my ex back. Even thugh he was the one that was cheating and I was the one that said i would forgive him and take him back. BUT I decided to lay out ground rules and told him that if these werent followed through then it wouldnt happen. His excuse for cheating was that he was in the process of having a mental breakdown.
    Worst excuse ever.
    Inevitably after weeks of being traumatically head screwed with by him and eventually the dwindling communication that he ended up not giving me as expected I realised that us getting back together was never going to be a good idea, along with the fact that I would never trust him or it would take a long time for him to regain my trust.
    All I did was reflect on the good times that he and I had and how amazing he was until those last few weeks before i found out what he really was. Wishing I had all of that back to begin with but then realising that the non returning of calls texts and excuses about work and buddies that used to creep in it just wasnt worth my time or effort.Ii have now moved on and have started to go on dates of my own accord ( my friends offers of matching me up with others was a big NO from Me – due to previous experiences).
    Reading your blog has just made me feel ten times better about the fact that im now not with my ex even though a month ago i still would have said yes to him coming back.
    Thanks for such incitefulness

  6. I want to thank you for such a great informational website.

    Great Article, your information has helped so many people reunite with there ex’s. World class site and valuable information.

    David Brown

  7. I typically refer to this a “recycling ex’s” It’s not worth it…there was some reason you broke up with them in the first place, why go through all that misery again??? not worth it! Not to mention, why waste your time on someone that you didn’t work out in the first place with, when you could be out looking for someone worthy of you!!!???

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