Men can be pretty persuasive. They’ve been known to talk women into almost every poor situation imaginable under the disguise of love. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times that when a man starts a sentence with “If you love me”, what comes next is going to be disrespectful to you as a person, a woman and an individual.
Real love has no conditions, there is only love. Therefore there should never be any situation that arises that calls for you to prove your love for him. None! Anyway, this statement is not about real love but rather more about showing how much more you love him than he you.
He is really saying that if you love him so much more than you love yourself then you should be willing to humiliate, disrespect, degrade or brand yourself to show it.
This is especially true of young impressionable women whom have yet to understand that they are most times being manipulated by men who really are only passing through their lives and have no real intention of being with them long term.
The sad thing is that it’s hard to explain to someone on the threshold of adulthood that the decisions you make today, can and will haunt you for years to come. One of the sad truths of life is that we cannot go back and change the past. Whatever is done is done, so you my dear young lady really need to think about whatever it is that he’s asking. If it’s something that makes you pause and have to carefully think about it, it probably shouldn’t be done period. After this point it may be wise to also evaluate your relationship as a whole because he probably isn’t the right man for you, or any other woman for that matter.
Before I get to the list of things that you should not allow men to talk you into, I would like to take this time to tell you a true story about a friend of mine and a terrible guy that she was convinced loved her.
I had been in the Middle East for approximately three weeks when one morning my phone rang and it was a young female family friend. We exchanged pleasantries and then she got down to the reason for the call.
She worked as a sales associate for a leading retailer in Torrance California and had been arrested for theft of merchandise from the store. This really threw me for a loop because she came from a very affluent family, and she was always so level headed despite being a young 20 years old.
To make a long story short, after probing I discovered several interesting facts. She had met a guy who was in his mid 20’s several months before I had left the Country. I had no idea about this relationship and therefore I hadn’t the opportunity to meet him. Her parents of course also hadn’t met him at this point, which I found interesting.
She also went on to tell me that she had recently discovered that she was 9 weeks pregnant. I was really disappointed by this revelation, however she’s an adult and I had to respect that. Of course her parents also knew nothing of this either.
Digging through all this I finally convinced her to tell me what happened to make her get arrested. What she told me really upset me and at the same time I felt sorry for her. This is why: Her new boyfriend talked her into working a scam at her store in order for him to make some cash. The scam was that he would walk into the store, select an expensive item and then take it to her register where she would enter the item into the register as a return. He would then be issued cash in the amount of the item for merchandise that he had never purchased.
In retail they call this “Theft by deception”, and it happens to all associates from time to time. However, when it occurs too often then Loss Prevention gets involved and identify that no associate is that unlucky. They review the tapes and realise that the same guy is making these false returns to the same associate and “Boom”, the associate is arrested because she is a willing participant in the theft. This is what happened in her case, red flags, ending in her arrest.
I inquired as to who’s idiotic idea it was for this reckless act to occur? Knowing her, I already knew the answer. Her new boyfriend had lost his job and convinced her that with a child coming he needed to make some cash until he could get another job. He ended the conversation with, you guessed it, “If you love me you’ll help me with this.”
Above I stated that I was disappointed in her, and I of course let her know that in a very stern tone of voice. I also was very sorry for her because she was going to have a child with a man who had no real love for her whatsoever, which meant that she would have him in her life for a minimal of the next 18 years.
I don’t even have to mention that this man over the course of a few months had taken a young woman with a bright future and gotten her pregnant, cost her job, made her a felon and ruined her parents dream of her completing College in the near future. How? All this was accomplished with false “LOVE.”
Needless to say that I informed her that she was to contact her family attorney, inform him of how and why this situation occurred. I instructed her to inform him of whose idea it was and then ask him to attempt to cut a deal with the prosecutor. The last thing she needed in life was to go through it with a felony record.
I also informed her that she needed to inform her parents (who were paying for her education, apartment and car) of the relationship and pending grandchild. It was only fair for them to know what was going on in their daughters life and how it would affect them.
The last I heard (she won’t call me because she thinks I’m pissed at her), her family is raising the child (their choice). She finished the degree she started, she got off with probation and the ex-boyfriend is nowhere to be found as expected. She was lucky to have caring and understanding family, otherwise this could have been an even worse disaster. Hopefully she learned something from all this, just because a man says he loves you, doesn’t make it so. Make sure his actions match his words, please. Oh, and for the thousandth time, if he says, “if you love me” he really doesn’t!
Now, let’s get down to “Things no woman should allow men to talk her into”, shall we?
1) Tattooing his name on your body:I see this walking down the streets of Vegas everyday. I cannot help but to wonder what the hell do some women think about. What happens if he leaves you? Or you leave him? Do you think that the next man you meet really wants to read another mans name on your body? Any man who suggests such a thing is really only interested in showing the world that you are his property. Is that what you want to think of yourself, someones property? Children’s (yours) names are acceptable, but some guy that you’re going out with, one who doesn’t have the decency to even make you his wife? Not a chance in hell. To be honest with you, men shouldn’t do this either. It’s not a true expression of love, it’s an expression of ownership!
2)Video taping your private moments:I think Kim Kardashian is possibly one of the most beautiful women on the planet, I really do. With that said, it was no surprise to me that she and Reggie Bush are no longer together. When that video of her and Ray J hit the Internet many people speculated that it was for publicity. It may have been, but at what price?
Men are fickle characters, we do not even like to think about what women have done with previous lovers. How do you think we feel when we know that there’s a video of your sexual activity making the rounds? Regardless of how hard we try it’s simply not really possible for us to block that out of our minds.
Even though we know you may not be a virgin the day we meet you, in our minds we convince ourselves that you are a virgin to us. We constantly remind ourselves that before us there was no one, we block your former relationships out of our mind. Unless there’s a tape which becomes a testament that there was sex before us.
So unless you’re doing it for publicity (if you think it’s worth it) then you should never ever allow any man to film your sexual romp with him.
Why would you anyway? That’s what we have memory for, tell him to utilize his if he wants to remember what it was like, but don’t give into his pleads to film it. Once that tape is completed it could eventually land in any ones hands especially if you two end the relationship on a bad note. Many women have been blackmailed with these same tapes that they so readily agreed to do, under the thought that no one would ever see the tape except them. I can assure you that if he made the tape, some of his friends have seen it as well. Why? Because unworthy men love to brag about their exploits, even at your expense.
Sending graphic text photos are the same thing. You only think he’s the only one that will see it. Wrong! He’s likely to brag that he can talk you into doing anything, even something as degrading as sending him nude photos for he and his friends to ogle over.
3) Having his baby out-of-wedlock: When a guy you’ve been dating for a short time begins to talk about having a child, you should be weary. He’ll start talking about how much he loves children and cannot wait to have one of his own. It may sound sweet to you because you’d never been with a man who expressed himself this way. Generally most men are not so forthright about having kids until they are married.
Now do we have kids before marriage? Sure we do, but generally they are not planned. In these instances we accept it for what it is and some of us man up and become the father we’re supposed to be. Others, they run, telling people that the child is not theirs and that you were sleeping with other men as well. In short, they simply don’t know how to be men and don’t want the responsibility of being a father or pay child support.
So when you have this man talking about you having his baby, red flags should erupt! Why? Because this is rare in a man. If he talks about getting married to you and then having a child, good for you, he’s probably sincere. If it’s simply let’s have a baby, he has an ulterior motive. What he really wants is to cement his place within your life. He figures if you have his baby you’ll never leave him. These men tend to be insecure, abusive and extremely jealous with bouts of kindness in between.
If you have a man like this and you’re only utilizing condoms for protection against pregnancy, you may want to get a back-up such as pills as well. If he really wants to cement his place in your life, punching a small hole in a condom is an easy way to get what he wants and pass it off as a miracle baby.
4) Having an Abortion: It is no mans place to tell you to have an abortion. Men have no idea the trauma women suffer from undergoing this procedure. I know more than my share of women who have confessed to me that they would do anything to have not had that situation have happened to them. They regret it years later, they have experienced depression and guilt over it.
The strange thing is that although they do not know one another they both informed me that they only had an abortion because the man they were with at the time talked them into it. Telling them things such as, “We’re not ready for a child” or “We have plenty of time to have a child later.”
They thought these men would be with them forever. Now, years later these men are gone and they are left with the memory of this experience that they cannot shake.
No man has the right to make that decision. As the late great Tupoc said, “No man has the right to tell women when to create one.” If this situation arises, the decision should be your own, not his. You have to live with it, he doesn’t. He doesn’t have to go through the procedure and many times he will be absent anyway. Men most times create all these excuses why you should have an abortion but he never tells you the real reason he wants you to. Most times it’s because he is a sorry ass excuse for a man, who enjoyed the activity that led to the pregnancy but refuses to accept the responsibility that comes with it. He is unwilling to commit to being tied to you for the next 18 years and therefore he wants to eliminate the possibility.
So if you are in this situation, it’s your decision to make. Yes you can listen to what he has to say, but the final decision should be yours and yours alone.
5) Believing that his baby’s mother is crazy: I read a quote by a woman once who stated that there is a special place in hell for women whom do not help other women. If there is it’s bound to be filled with women whom allow men to convince them that the mother of his child was a crazy b**ch!
If you as a woman are confronted with this situation, it is in your best interest to investigate for yourself.
If you allow him to make you believe this to be true, soon it could be you that he is telling his next woman is crazy. You should start by taking a look at how much if any interaction he has with his child? Then look at what type of financial and emotional support he’s providing?
I can assure you that if these two things are absent, his only recourse is to convince you or any other woman he becomes involved with that she’s the culprit. Where in reality he’s actually a sorry excuse for a man. Do you want or need a man in your life like this? If he will not provide and accept responsibility for his own child, what makes you believe he’ll do those things for you and God forbid you make the same mistake and have a child with him as well.
6) Sleeping with his friend: Sounds crazy doesn’t it? But it happens, especially in younger women. It goes hand in hand with that statement, “If you love me.” Again this is a situation where he knows that you love him a lot more than he cares for you and you’re willing to do any and everything he asks to remain with him. I saw this play out many times when I was in College and thought it only appropriate to list it here.
No man should make such a request of you, for any reason. If this request is made you should reflect back on your relationship and pin point the time you allowed him to stop respecting you as a person and a woman. He didn’t just suddenly feel he could make this request, he’d built up to it over time by doing other disrespectful things to you.
If this has happened to you, chances are there is a video of you floating around somewhere as well as nude photos. This man has no respect for you and probably never did. If you are with him now, chances are you have little respect for yourself as well. The longer you stay in this relationship the better the chance that you’ll eventually lose any remaining respect you may have and lower your already rock bottom self esteem.
6) Stealing or helping him steal: Oh, we already covered this in the beginning of the post.
7) Co-signing for him: Credit is an important factor in our everyday lives and keeping your clean is paramount in everything from buying a home to getting a job in some instances.
Co-signing for anyone is a risky adventure and for a boyfriend it’s even more so. One of the best signs of irresponsibility is credit rating. Why allow your life to be disrupted by his inability to be responsible? You shouldn’t and he shouldn’t even ask you to, however he may. Why? Because he feels that if he’s sleeping with you, then you owe him something.
You owe him absolutely nothing, in essence, he owes you for allowing him the opportunity to be with you. Now, what you can do if you chose is to assist him with repairing his credit so he can get his life on track. Don’t do it for him though, simply show him how its done and see if he’s responsible enough to follow through with taking care of it. If he doesn’t, then you may want to cut your losses and move on to a man more stable.
8) Believing he will leave his wife for you: No he won’t, he may tell you he will but really it’s to give you false hope so that he can either sleep with you or continue to sleep with you. Men who are married understand that if they are not happy in their marriage there is this thing called divorce.
If he really was going to leave her he would have done so long before he met you and convinced you to listen to his bulls**t! He simply wants to have his cake and eat it too. He is simply playing the numbers game, seeing how long you’ll hang on and continue to let him have his way with you before you wise up and move on.
Why would you want a man who’s married to someone else anyway? Especially one that is willing to cheat on his current wife with you. What type of character does he have? None! He’s dishonest, untrustworthy, a liar and a cheat. You my pretty can rest assured that he has no respect for you or his wife and as one intelligent person so eloquently put it, “Any man who divorces his wife to marry his mistress, leaves a vacancy in that position.” Is that what you want for your future? To eventually be with a man who you know is incapable of being loyal? I really hope not!
9) Sleeping with him without some form of protection: I wish I had a nickle for every child born into this world for one night of unprotected passion. I’d be wealthy beyond my dreams and yours as well. As a single woman you should always have some type of protection, there is no excuse for being ill prepared.
Many men like the thrill of throwing caution to the wind, unfortunately it’s at your expense. To take this chance is much too risky for my taste, as it should be yours. Pregnancy is the least of your worries. Ever hear of STD’s, particularly HIV?
As a single woman you should have in your purse at the very least a small pack of condoms. This way when things get hot and heavy unexpectedly and he goes into the mode of saying that he doesn’t have any protection, you do. All men have said and will continue to tell women that they will not make a mistake and they don’t need any protection. They make promises that they’ll get up in time or the overall biggest lie of all time, “I’m sterile or had a vasectomy.”
Either way you need to always be prepared, because if not and you allow him to talk you into this reckless behavior not only will you be taking a chance of creating a life, you may unknowingly be taking a chance of losing your life. With that said, do you still think it could be worth it? I didn’t think so. Always be prepared for the unexpected, carry your own protection.
10) Assisting him with doing anything illegal: I know some of you have those boyfriends that lend excitement to you and your life now. However, years later when you look back on this time in your life you’ll try to offer it up as youthful indiscretion. Assuming that you are afforded the opportunity to look back on this time.
So many women have gotten into fixes that they cannot get out of based on the man of their choosing. They’ve been talked into assisting in drug sales, carrying unlicensed weapons, receiving stolen property and more.
What happens when you decide to become an adult? It’s difficult when you have a felony record over your head, trust me. How do you tell the right man when he comes along that he cannot take you to Paris on your honeymoon because you cannot get a passport because of a felony record you picked-up during your youthful indiscretion years? It happens!
I remember in LA in the mid 90’s when a female decided to date a member of one of the cities gangs. For whatever reason she after a period of time decided to severe the relationship. He of course had other ideas and while she and her sister were on their way to work at prominent jobs on a Military installation, he and some friends pulled along side them and fired a single shot.
This single shot killed her sister instantly!
Just thought you may want to know that these things do happen and if you fail to select the right man it can just as well happen in your life.
If he is living a life of crime, albeit an interesting one it comes with a terrible price. You need to decide if you’re willing or able to pay this price when the day comes to settle up the debts.
Hopefully some of you can take some of the things I’ve written here and learn from it. For those of you that chose to ignore these things, I wish you luck. All of us seek someone who will appreciate us for who we are and not who we were. This is made easier when we identify people who mean us no ill will and respect us as people.
As a woman you may deal with many men before you meet that right guy, hopefully those that you spent time with before this meeting will not have left any negative residue on your soul and spirit.
Please be careful and never allow any man to talk you into anything that can be considered degrading or disrespectful to you as a woman and a human being. You deserve better than to be manipulated by someone under the guise of love. Remember, what you do today can affect you and your future for life.