Why Most Women Continue to Settle for Bad Men


ABUSE2_358110614_stdEvery woman on the planet that has ever been involved with a man that was not worthy of her has asked of herself these questions…”Why can’t I find a decent guy, Why do I always meet the wrong men and When will I find a man who really loves me?” There are other questions that are asked of ones self as well and they all equate to the same issue. You’ve once again selected a man who is unworthy of you and treats you like shit. Regardless of how much you love him or how many promises he makes, you know in your heart that he’ll never ever change.

What are your alternatives? You can get rid of him and find another man but past experiences have shown you that after several months you’ll be right back in the same situation. You’ll still be miserable, unhappy, unappreciated, unloved and insecure about his possible motives.

In the end most women tend to adapt the attitude that all men are the same. They become bitter and cold hearted to love because as with everything else in our lives when we continue to lose we stop wanting to play.

For many years I felt that women were simply attracted to men of little worth. I thought that a bad boy was what all women wanted. The type of guy that keeps you on edge and puts excitement in your life is what I assumed you all wanted.

I thought women loved being with a man who was a smooth talker that kept you waiting and wondering if he really cared. I felt that you ladies enjoyed being taken advantage of and that you enjoyed all the drama that these men afforded you, by cheating, lying, stealing, disappearing for days on end and being worthless.

After writing this blog for more than a year I have learned differently, thanks to all the women that took the time to write to me and to teach me. I’ve found out through readers like you that what women really want is to be loved. You want romance, security, passion, friendship and a partner that will stand by you through everything that life throws your way.

You know what? It’s everything you deserve and every woman should have and can have if she can only recognize why she ends up with less than a stellar mate. Do you know why you are attracted to men that are unworthy of you?

You are attracted to them because you failed to keep a promise that you made to yourself as a child. There, I said it! You broke your own promise to yourself and now you suffer for it with every bad relationship you enter. Every time you select a man based on the same criteria as the last you broke your own promise and broken promises are on the same level of broken hearts, they hurt. However, this time you’re breaking your own heart, by not being true to yourself.

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poll=1982142]Now, before I tell you what that promise you made was I really need to prepare you that what I am about to write will possibly hurt many of you and anger some. I am counting on it, anger and frustration are the means to make you see the truth and if it’s directed at me but helps you I welcome it.

The Promise:

As small children we are influenced by everything that enter our lives, this includes parents, the boyfriends of parents, girlfriends of parents and their ideas of love and relationships.

This is how we learn as children, by observing the good and the bad. If your mother had a bad relationship with your father because he wasn’t a worthy man you observed it and learned from it.

If your father wasn’t around and your mother had boyfriends or you had a step father, their relationship influenced you and still influences your relationships to this very day.

If their relationship wasn’t a positive one you learned from it. You also picked up your habit of selecting wrong men at this time. Any man who was not a good man in your adolescent life left an impression on you that you carry to this day.

It is said that women tend to seek out the qualities of their fathers (or men performing the father role) in the men they date or possibly marry. If these qualities weren’t good, then you are seeking someone today that you do not want or really need in your life.

If that man was uncaring, unloving, untrustworthy, abusive, selfish, worthless, mean spirited, a cheater, lazy, shiftless, or worse these are the traits you could be looking for in the men you select today. Why? Because you are familiar with this type of behavior and you accept it as normal. It became normal to you because you had nothing to compare it with when you were in the most influential stages of your life.

To make matters worse, if your mother accepted these bad qualities as well, it possibly made you feel that this is the way all love is and although it is not it’s all you knew.

I often wondered why some women shy away from good men, and I always suspected it was because they never trusted true love. When a woman finally meets a man of great character, she spends most of the relationship anticipating when things are going to go bad. When things don’t, she unconsciously begins to sabotage the relationship because for it to be this good it didn’t feel normal or natural to her. This is basically because she’d never been exposed to how real men treat women in her earlier life, therefore making this type of good behavior seem more like a ruse to get her to let her guard down. By accepting this good relationship experience for what it really is could be more heartbreaking in the end if she doesn’t prepare herself for the problems she anticipates will surely come. In her mind, these issues such as jealousy, arguing, cheating, lying and abuse are a real part of the relationship process. The absence of them signal that the man is pretending, and eventually they will show up because to her all men are the same. When the drama fails to arrive, she begins to create drama herself in an attempt to make him show that she was right all along.

The promise as I stated above was this: As a young girl, you promised yourself that the man you chose would be nothing like the one you observed growing up. Have you kept your promise?

If you had then you probably wouldn’t have suffered heartbreak, verbal abuse, being cheated on, being lied to and maybe even being physically abused.

Can you change this cycle of selecting unworthy men? Absolutely! However, the first step is to forgive yourself for breaking your own promise. Then you may want to look back to the types of men that you were exposed to in your youth and then try to remember what it was that you disliked about them to begin with.

Once you have determined what faults they possessed that you hated to begin with, take a look at your former boyfriends and your current one and see what they all have in common. If they possess the same traits you’ll know you were right as a child. The only thing to do after that point is to keep your own promise and steer clear of these types of men, looking rather for men of higher character and standards.

It will not be easy I am sure, however the first step is to be honest with yourself and look deep inside of you. If you cannot be honest with yourself, you cannot be honest with anyone. So ask yourself, is this situation a possibility?

As for me, what I wrote may have some merit. I am not a psychologist, I am simply a realist. Some of you may read this post and say I am wrong, it’s OK. However, you will also have to entertain the thought that I may just be on to something. If this is not a possibility, then the idea that boys whom grow up witnessing physical abuse in their homes tend to become abusers themselves can not be a possibility as well. However, we all know that this is accepted as fact.

I see no other reason that beautiful, caring, intelligent women continue to attract unworthy men. Women are much too smart to be doing this out of need, for as women you can have any man of your choosing especially decent, god fearing men. How else are we to explain the cycle of women whom constantly date unworthy men? The response of, “All the good men are either married or gay” is simply unacceptable. Now, remember the guy that you observed as a child? The one who made your mother cry, verbally abused her or worse? He’s the same guy that you may have allowed into your life on more than one occasion. You are an adult now, you make your own choices. Shut him out of your life for good. Allow only men of great character to have an opportunity to be your partner in the future. dispel all the beliefs that a nice, gentle, caring, passionate man is myth. They are not, they really exist and when you meet one, let the relationship take it’s course. It may feel unnatural at first but if you give it time you’ll grow to understand that what you were used to having was really unnatural and this time it’s the way it was meant to be. Before I go let me remind you of something. “The girl is the Mother of the Woman.” You are now a woman, take the advice you gave yourself as a young girl. Never date a man who does the things you disliked then, just as you dislike them now. If he reminds you of your childhood, avoid him and seek out a man of better character. I hope this helps, I really welcome any feedback on this issue. Please let me know if you feel this could actually help you or even if you feel it’s B.S. I really want to hear what all of you have to say.

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31 comments on “Why Most Women Continue to Settle for Bad Men

  1. Pingback: Why Most Women Continue to Settle for Bad Men - make love

    • In all seriousness, finding this blog is truly a miracle. Although I am feeling afraid of knowing
      what you’re saying is the absolute truth, I will not be able to continue on with wanting to be
      with the man I’ve been involved with. There is no doubt in my mind that I have allowed myself
      and placed myself numerous times within relationships that are not good for me in any way.
      It is most likely an addiction, there are very specific things that turn us all on. I am currently deeply
      in love with someone who does not deserve my attention. He does not treat me with respect, in
      fact, he is does not treat himself with respect. How can I be so blind? I understand now. Although
      my father is definitely a very generous man, I have witnessed in early years his relationship with my
      Mother. He always provided, worked very hard and looked himself distinguished. However, the
      result of a life outside of his own family has left him with heart disease and internal pain of knowing
      his secrets will haunt him for the rest of his life.
      I’m not sure how to stop wanting the man I’m in love with currently, but reading your insights will
      certainly help me on my way to recovery and discovering myself in a new light.
      Thank you for giving us all an opportunity to learn from your philosophies.

      Sincerely,

      Sydney

  2. Relationships are quite complicated one has to face when in trouble, but it’s also not as bad as one would be led to believe in it.Just try to brush away all those misunderstandings and believe in the fact of making-up that relationship all you have to do is to start knowing what really went wrong and what made two humans who loved each other in depth to part their ways, is it because of money
    mis-management or something else . You can always find the answer here.

    Money and Relationships

  3. I think your point is perfect! That is the exact promise I made to myself! But, I also made the mistake of turning away from some very nice men who reminded me of my dad, because I threw out the good-with-the-bad when I tried to “not” marry daddy!

    Maybe a better “promise” is to take the GOOD from the past and look for that, instead of rejecting what we see as “bad!”

    Positive energy is always more healhty than negative energy!

  4. Pingback: Why Most Women Continue to Settle for Bad Men | DatingFuel.com

  5. I came across this article and was half expecting another bunch of bull and was ready to pounce on “really… women want the good guys” after the change of heart part.

    Much to my surprise, this has been an excellent post! My words go down well with pinch of seasoning.

    • anonymous male,

      I agree with almost everything you say except when you talk about women shying away from good men. I don’t know what women you are talking about because I have never shyed away from a good man…I am seeking him..this is what I want in my life so why would I shy away? Most women are looking for good men and the few women that do shy away should not be seen as normal female behavior because shying away from good men isn’t a usual characterisitic of females.

      Also, when you state that women have not kept their promise, may not be to their fault. Men lie and they pretend and even they can fake relationships so how is a woman supposed to know that her man is worthless and lying and she will see heartbreak in the future. Most women, including me, are in relationships not expecting to see heartbreak or failure of the relationship. Most women think their men are good. So it is the deception on the man’s part that is the problem, not the woman’s selection or her self esteem.

      I don’t think all women who end up with no good men are intentionally not keeping their promise, it’s just that they have not realized that the man is less than what they deserve due to the great acting and pretense on the man’s part. Sure there can be some signs but not significant enough to end the relationship. Most people don’t give up on relationships that easy. Yes, if there are red flags and serious signs, then a woman needs to pay attention but what if a woman doesn’t see these serious signs.

      Also, only after a series of bad relationships does a woman pick up on the signs of no-good men…before this experience she may not know what to look for. So it does take experience to be able to read the red flags, so if a woman hasnt learned what to see then she won’t see it. In this case, it’s not that she has not kept her promise, she just simply have not had enough bad experiences in relationships to know what to look for.

      • Hi Millie,
        Thanks for the comment. I write this blog to intice dialog, and your comments are a perfect example of what I am seeking. Please understand when I write a post it may not apply to all women, it cannot, because just like men, all women are different. It’s the people that it does apply to that I write it for. This blog is also intended to assist women in how to recognize red flags without having to go through heartbreak to gain experience.

        Yes men lie, we can all agree to this, however in any situation the most logical thing to do is to measure his words by his actions. If the two do not match then a serious red flag should appear in your mind.

        You brought up some valid points in your comments and although this particular post may not apply to you I am sure that you may have a friend that could learn something from it. Please send it to them and hopefully between the two of us we can assist someone else.

        I hope you continue to visit this blog and by all means tell your friends to stop by.

        I hope to hear from you again,

        Anonymousmale1

  6. A wonderful commentary!!….I just have one eensy weensy issue. I chose someone not like my father (who was an amazing man, honest and hardworking, still holds hands when out with my mom after 60 years of marriage) the first time around. Is there a flaw in this theory of yours or was I simply attracted to the “bad boy” image?? Either way, the fellow I’m with now is very much like my father. Maybe I’m back on track now after all…LOL

    • I agree, my dad was a good father and husband, but I pick guys similar to him in playfulness but not in character. I do not know how to change this. The men appear to be like him but are not, they are cheaters and narcissistic. I don’t know why. Your article was not insightful enough for me.

      • Hi. I understand the point you are making.. I think it is very true that as women we may fail to stop at some crucial point (before we have got in too deep) and look objectively at this person (who at the beginning is actually more or less a stranger) and dig beneath the surface a bit. That combination of being open to a ‘romantic adventure’ and with strong natural biological urges to procreate (get intimate) – is a potent combination!

        I’m beginning to think that we give ourselves away too early. Intimacy too early cuts out a very exciting stage ofa relationship on both sides – the chase. We give in too easily because our culture says its fine, but i think that’s where we go wrong. We have so much power in our confidence and sexuality and I suspect we encourage bad habits in men by letting them get what they think they want and not defining our values clearly and being strong, calm, and clear about who we are and what we are about…

  7. I have to say my father was a saint. He was caring, loving, bent over backwards for my mother. He cooked, cleaned, worked like a mule, ironed her uniforms and never missed a day of work, never spoke an ill word to my mom. He did drink his beer on the weekends. Both of my parents were hardworking, one for the sherrifs office and one for the county. How did I wind up with a man who is introverted at times, speaks terrible to me, embarrasses me in front of the neighbors, makes me feel terrible and how the hell did I fall in love with someone like that and still be with him?

  8. Wow! I also had a good father and have chosen men who are not what I need in my life. I was married to my ex-husband for 22 years. After 10 years of marriage, it was apparent that he had a drinking problem. This escalated into full-blown alcoholism and I finally left the marriage and for the first time in years I was happy. However, that was short-lived and I fell in love with a man who was bipolar. In many respects, he was a step up from my ex-husband. He had many good qualities but it became apparent that he didn’t like my friends and subtly and not so subtly came between me and them. After a year, we broke up. Six months later, I met a man who seemed to be wonderful — low and behold he turned out to be a heavy drinker, suffer from a narcissistic personality disorder, and I chose to leave that relationship after about a year as well. Six months later, I met another man who was wonderful. He was always there when I needed him. He helped me with my property, brought me thoughtful gifts and even loved my dog! Everything seemed wonderful for the first six months but then I started to feel like he was trying to control me. I also had questions as to what impact his alienation from his parents and one of his two brothers was having on him. He assured me that he was fine with it all and that he had made peace with the fact that he had no relationship with his parents. When I pressed him as to what had happened to cause the rift, he told me his father was physically and emotionally abusive and his parents had told him his entire life that he was worthless and he was unwanted. He told me over and over again how much he wanted to have a loving relationship with me but slowly but surely there were things about me he couldn’t tolerate. He accused me of being the Lone Ranger whenever I would make plans for myself that didn’t include him. He didn’t like the fact that I occasionally swore. He didn’t like me to ever burp. I altered my behavior and really made the effort to stop swearing and stop burping but as for making plans for myself, I felt I had a right to do things for myself on my own or with other people. Well things finally came to a head this past weekend when we went away together. He showed a side of himself which was rude and uncaring. He proceeded to give me the silent treatment for a full day and when he dropped me off at my house, he proceeded to give me back a jacket I had given him. He basically acted like a spoiled rotten baby and I decided not to play into his behavior and call it quits. I have since found out that his father died in April of this year and he was not even mentioned in the obituary. It may be a coincidence but that is when I saw a major shift in this man’s behavior from being kind and considerate to being someone I did not want to be with much. Anyway, I am not giving up on finding a better partner for myself. I am proud that I took my time in this relationship and waited to see his true colors displayed. And no I don’t think I sabbottaged the relationship in any way. I have always been kind and considerate to him and have been grateful and appreciative for all he did for me in the past 11 months. I still see many good qualities in this man which were what I was attracted to. Sometimes it takes a while for the mask to come off. I don’t feel I have failed here. I feel I have made progress and the next man I choose to have a relationship with will be what I deserve.

  9. This definitely makes sense and I think that women need to take more responsbility for their relationships and learn from their past mistakes. It’s not to say that this easy, but it has to be done to avoid further heartache on our behalf. But at the same time, the things that men do cannot be ignored. Sometimes women get sucked into an illusion that a man might create and they think they’re dating a good man, only to be surprised later on, and find out he’s not. So, while I agree with what you say, I think that the too frequent manipulations and deception of men cannot be ignored.

  10. I think your right when it comes to a small percentage of women. I also think your post generalizes a complex issue. There are girls who go from abusive families to abusive relationships, and there’s women who continually date the same kind of men who were negative influences in their lives. But there’s also tonnes of women who had great male role models and date shitheads. Some of those women are attracted to the bad boy, some of them are naive, some have low self esteem or are addicted to the drama. Any woman who has played the field a bit has encountered at least one man who didn’t treat her the way she deserves.

    • Mary, I agree with you assessment. Thanks for visiting and I hope you return often. I hope you don’t mind, but after visiting your blog I felt some of my readers would find it as interesting and informative as I. So I’ve placed it on my blogroll for others to find.

      Sincerely,

      Anonymousmale1

  11. Interesting post. I agree that it is likely accurate for some percentage of women.

    As for myself, I did keep that promise not to choose a man like my father. I spent nine years married to a wonderful, loving, honest, noble man… before I discovered that I am the one that is like my father. Now perhaps I select unworthy dirt-bags because doing so allows me to feel better about myself in comparison.

  12. This blog might be intended more for the women who were raised by horrible fathers. If that is the case, you are on point. Reading this has made me evaluate my current relationship, which I’ve realized (thanks to this blog and a hard look at my patterns) is not one I deserve. Thank you so much for writing bullshit free blogs about men for women. I pray you will understand how this and all of your other blogs have encouraged and helped me.

  13. Thank you so much for sharing your insight with us. There is a lot of truth in what you said here. As a matter of fact, I started to realize some of these things on my own when I tried to make sense of why most, if not all, of my past relationships had been with men who turned out to be controlling, abusive, cheaters and liars. I sought to discover what was wrong with me to make me attracted to the wrong men.

    As I reflected on the memories of when I was a young girl and the relationships I watched my mother go through, I realized that I was dating men who did to me what my mother allowed men to do to her. My mother use to cry over men who beat and cheated on her, yet she loved those men and would constantly let them back in her life. Often times she’d get a new man who’d eventually do the same things the previous one had done, and then I’d see her cry again – crying out that she loved him. That’s when I realized what I learned from my mother’s heartaches as a young girl had major influence over my perception of what love was supposed to be.

    What I thought was love was neither healthy nor was it even close to being love at all. I use to feel that if a guy didn’t get angry enough with me to physically hurt me, then he didn’t really love me. I know that kind of thinking is sick, but it was kind of instilled in me. I wasn’t healthy therefore I felt comfortable in unhealthy relationships, it was all I knew.

    Now that I am more aware of the pattern I easily fall into, I am more cautious with who I allow in my life. I am planning to seek professional help (therapy) to help me become a better/healthier person. Thank you for the help you offer.

    • Hi Rebelchic10,

      Thank you for visiting and I wish you luck in breaking the cycle of selecting bad men. All women deserve to be loved unconditionally, by men who are honest and trustworthy, including you.

      Sincerely,

      Anonymousmale1

  14. This article’s title and premise is very sexist! In my social circle, women are the ones doing the rejecting and it is almost always some guys who is either disrespectful and selfish. I remember one guy in my social circle who was very popular (he is married now) even though he was not very goodlooking because women like the way he treated women – he was and still is a very supportive friend, who showed interest in woman, wanted to get to know them and was always there for me when I needed him emotionally. I have seen this so many times growing up that now I listen carefully when a man says he has been rejected a lot – because it usually happens to a loser.

  15. I really enjoy reading this from a mans perspective. I have had the selfish boyfriend, the victim and the scariest one of all the possesive man. Infact the possesive man messed me up so bad i had a serious fear of comitment for 6 years and was drawn to the “too cool for school” types who i knew were never going to commit.

  16. In reading many of your articles, I’ve had comments in my mind, but this one hit me like a ton of bricks and I just had to let you know that you are 100% on target! I have often looked back thru my life and have seen the ‘father syndrome’ (as I call it) with friends, and yes, within myself. When you wrote “she unconsciously begins to sabotage the relationship because for it to be this good it didn’t feel normal or natural to her”, I realize that I do that, of course it’s always after the fact, but it’s there nonetheless.
    Thank you for this article, because I now know I’m not crazy 🙂 …lol

  17. Thank you for the wonderful blog. It helped me to understand why I settled for less desirable man in my life. I would like to believe that good men are still there and we just need to find them!

  18. I think “anonymous male” missed the point. It’s kind of a subconcious thing. People tend to gravitate towards that which is familiar. If your house hold meant mom was abused then that’s you idea of familiar; and you select appropriately. Face it part of the journey is waking up and getting to know oneself. With so many distraction these days the art of being introspective is becoming a lost art. This also goes for men, the majority of which think sports is the only subject out there. Talk about being manipulated by the media! Any wonder things in this world have gotten so dire? With that kind of attention span is it any wonder Wall Street was able to destroyed our way of life?

    And I say this as a somewhat frustrated male who came form a good family. I have seen several relationships destroyed by these unexamined isues.

  19. OK, I have been reading this blog ALL freaking day and I have to agree with pretty much everything except this one (so far…). Growing up, my dad was always home every night except for one, he was a salesman and would travel one night out of town for deliveries. He was caring, loving and never forgot my mother’s birthday or anniversary..and I even remember going with him to the florist to pick out flowers for my mother and delivering them to her on valentine’s and mother’s day at her work. Other than him, I was around his brother and father who were both loving and caring to their wives. There was NEVER any abuse of any kind, nor was their cheating or arguments or anything of that nature. So if I grew up in this environment, according to you, I should be with a man of the same degree, yet I always find the a-holes, and narcissistic ones at that. I know I have done the stupid thing of thinking men will want me and fall in love with me if I prove my love by sleeping with them WAY too soon, and I have realized that now. But I have also realized that men only treat you the way you let them… I had my profile on 3 different dating sites, and eventually changed it to let them know there was “no booty-call, one-night-stand or friends-with-benefits” here, and yet I still got messages from men asking what my favorite position was or worse!! Which by this point I figured they just saw a pretty face and though, “she’s cute, lets wink at her”. The ones that did actually read my profile even commented saying it was “on-the-spot hilarious” (I told them to check out CraigsList if they wanted a booty-call) or said it was unfortunate that I wasn’t into a certain race. What really amazed me is that these men thought it was appropriate behavior or acceptable to speak to someone they have never met in this manner! I have since gotten rid of one of these profiles and am waiting for the other 2 to expire and decided that meeting someone face to face is going to be my best bet, by getting out in my NFL team jersey and taking a risk!!!

  20. I just stumbled across your blog today and i must commend you on this article as well as the many other insightfull articles you have written. This one hit home as it has been something that i have pondered on for quite some time. I am happy to read that what i had been thinking wasnt ‘crazy’ or far fetched. Thank you very much for your insight and your straightforward writing.

  21. This is astonishingly inciteful.
    Yeah — the dynamics between my parents – my relationship w my father —
    the vow (which I obviously forgot I had made) to not find someone like my
    fahter (or wishing for the fantasy view (not true) of perfection I had of him
    as a child (he fancied me and let me flirt and dote on him and didn’t correct
    this behaviour).
    He didn’t behave as a man – rather as an autocrat – a dictator – then – flashes
    of compassion and fun.
    With the major decisions (in my life anyways) he took on TOTAL control so that
    now I CAN’T even make a major decision for myself
    Thank You for writing this. It did help me!

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