How not to become a “One Night Stand”


one night standSo you met this nice guy at the club. He was polite, charming, attractive (or not) and you two hit it off right away. There were sparks in the air and and the drinks were flowing and before you knew it your clothes were in a pile next to his on the floor.

The next morning or a few hours later depending on his staying power, you wake up and you spend the first few minutes wondering how you allowed this to happen. Then after shaking the cobwebs out of your head you remember all the sweet things he whispered in your ear and you convince yourself that you two may actually have a future together.

Why not? He’s cute, nice, gentle and he said he respects you. Whats so far fetched about you two being a couple, after all you just slept with him so he must be special, right?

Wrong! Men, as a general rule do not continue dating women that they met and slept with in the same day, week and most times month. We simply don’t do it. You’ve just became a participant in a One Night Stand.

Women and men view sex differently as I am sure we all know. Women generally have sex for love, men have sex for recreation if it’s possible. As one famous person so eloquently put it, “Women need a reason to have sex, Men just need a place.”

However, since this incident has occurred and he hasn’t returned any of your calls lets take a look at why he probably won’t be calling anytime soon.

Men are insecure and shallow, can we all agree on that? If we can then lets go back to the moment you two met. Chances are that he was actually looking for someone to hook up with and he met you. After talking and laughing with you for awhile he probably had a moment of clarity where he realised that you were actually a wholesome, beautiful and intelligent woman.

It was at this point that he thought that maybe, just maybe you could actually be a nice woman to spend time with. Possibly even become his girlfriend if things went well. During this time frame he would have become really sincere, polite and affectionate because now that he was getting to know you the thought of hooking up completely left his mind.

For the next hour or so he was totally in to you and the possibility of things becoming more were not only good but almost certain. During this time period you were completely safe and he was open, caring and generous with you. You two probably exchanged phone numbers and discussed going to the movies or dinner in the near future. You were doing great at this point.

He was possibly thinking how great a catch you will be and how he’ll show you off to his friends who would go insane with envy. Remember, you’re beautiful, smart, caring and warm hearted, things that men really look for in a girlfriend.

Now the problem would come later, when you became so comfortable that you allowed yourself to be kissed by him. Any kiss during this time is bad but when you allowed it to turn into a deep passionate kiss, as the night went on he began to look at you differently and you didn’t even notice. This kiss which possibly involved some inappropriate touching shook him out of the mental zone that he was in and placed you right back to being a possible hook-up.

When you decided to invite him to your place or accept an offer to go to his, you had already sealed your fate and didn’t even know it. You could have recovered, had you suddenly declined all his advances and promises to respect you, but you didn’t.

So now you’re laying in bed wondering if everything he said the night before was true. Would you two be going to a movie, dinner or elsewhere? You convince yourself that everything is cool, you’re both consenting adults and you like him and he assures you that he likes you. Even before he leaves or you depending on who’s place you’re at he gives you a nice kiss and says he’ll call you later.

The call hasn’t come yet and you’re beginning to worry that he may not call. So you call him and get his voice message. You leave one, then two messages in your most cheerful voice saying hello and telling him that you were thinking about him. You convince yourself that he is busy and he’ll call once he gets the messages but secretly you know he will not.

Why won’t he call? Because you made it a “One Night Stand” for him.

He was at a happy point with you and when those kisses started to flow he began to doubt if you were the wholesome girl he thought you were. So, he had to try and see if you really were the girl he was hoping you were or simply a girl looking to hook up.

When you allowed the situation to go to the next level (SEX) you completely lost him! Why? Because silently he was rooting for you, he wanted you to be that girl that he could get to know slowly and hopefully ease into a relationship with. He was hoping that you were the girl that was like none other to him and in the end, he was disappointed, although he would not tell you this.

Remember how I just said that men are insecure and shallow? Let me put it into prospective for you using this situation as a model. He will not call you for two reasons and here they are: 1) His view of you after the sex is different then before the sex. Before the sex you were great, a keeper. Now, that you slept with him he cannot date you because he’s concerned that he is not the first guy that you slept with within hours of meeting. His idea of you being wholesome was crushed. His idea of who you are was crushed, he went from wanting to sleep with you, to no, she’s a keeper, to oh shit I am going to sleep with her now! He cannot handle that, few men can.

Reason #2 is: Why should he call you? Should he call you because you allowed him to sleep with you? From his vantage point there is no mystery to you anymore, your whole relationship was for whatever amount of time you two spent together that night. Men wait months to sleep with a woman whom they adore, it’s the most intimate anyone can ever get and you allowed him this reward after several hours. It was that easy, too easy for him to ever be comfortable with.

Just like women, men talk, I am sure you guys know this. Just like when you’re with your girlfriends and they say, “So, how did it go?” Well, his friends probably said something on the lines of, “So, you spent the night, did you get it?” Even if he lied and said no, they’d know he was lying. Hell, he spent the night with you on the first meeting. This increases his level of discomfort of the idea of pursuing you as a possible love interest.

He will not commit to a woman whom he simply did not earn the right to be with. It’s to hard for him to erase the thoughts that this is something you have done before and could possibly do again. We love the things we earn and disrespect the things that fall into our laps without much effort.

Now, before many of you cry that he wanted it as well. I am sorry but to be honest with you men expect and hope that you will be the one to put a stop to the possibility of it ending in sex on the first date. Providing that they are really attracted to you of course. Because if you do, silently you make us proud and confident at the same time. We walk away thinking, she’s a good girl and if I couldn’t get it on the first date I know damn well no other man has or will succeed in getting her to.

With that we become comfortable with the idea that where we met you is of no concern because you are a good girl, a keeper. The one we can take any amount of time with to earn our keep and be really happy that we did. Come to think of it, so will you.

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10 comments on “How not to become a “One Night Stand”

  1. Thanks a lot for this post. There are many articles on the web regarding sex on a first date. Lots of them end up saying that you should go with a flow if chemistry is right etc..and to a lot of men its not a big deal and for them you will not appear cheap and they will continue relationshiop with you, if that night was good. While books and articles who warn us not to do it areoften described as oldfashioned.
    However while reading your post, I was looking back on my experience and I am convinced that your post really shows the true picture. I did few stupid mistakes exactly as you described meeting sweet talkers and charmers and beliving them , but from what they said at first – nothing happened -nothing!!! And line by line their behavior matched your description…And i am a very beatuiful girl and have lots of attention from men, I am also intelligent and have top job, so i thought with me it will not happen, but in this game it really does not matter, as unfortunately i do tend to believe that people have good intentions to start with….
    So thank you again – I will accept this now as a fact and will remember this post for life..Plus want to add to this- do not forget that some men who you meet in bar or while traveling etc…, even if when during short bright flash of inspiration they may see that you would be a perfect woman for them, DO NOT FORGET- They can me MARRIED OR HAVE GIRL FRIEND BACK HOME SITTING WITH THEIR KID..So I tell it to myself…

  2. AHA! I knew it! Oh, sweet vindication. And here I’ve had other women(!!!) telling me I was “just a prude.” Now I have it from the horse’s mouth, as it were, and I can tell them exactly what to do with their “You just need to loosen up because sex doesn’t mean anything” ideals.
    I absolutely love this post. ♥ Well done, well done.

  3. This is incredible, astounding. Wow, I’ve completely done this once or twice and scared off some incredible men as a result. I’ve learned. This post has changed my mind completely.

  4. There are so many guys out there who are players and so many women lonely and willing to believe the lies. Sex should take time and not be just for recreation. You need to find out a whole lot more about each other before jumping into the sack. Sex should be reserved for committed relationships. And I am a guy. Sex should be about “making love” not just a temporary thrill. Best wishes and good article

  5. Dude, this post is spot on, Ive tried to get a few one night stands and thankfully it never worked out because I would not date a woman who has had a one night stand. I realize what a hypocrite that makes me and now Im not looking for one night stands anymore.

    This post should be read by all women, I used to think just like this and is spot on. Dont give into a man the first day, or first week. Make me work for it so that I can respect you and understand that you are not cheap and easy and value yourself. Same here if a woman throws herself on me, I must not be a hypocrite and allow myself to just have sex with her and then turn around and expect women to be the way i want them to be

  6. This made me cry alot. Ive always been “wholesome” etc. but guys always told me I needed to loosen up. So the one time I do and sleep with the guy on our first date, he dumps me. Life sucks.

  7. Hey Gia
    Don’t loosen up, tighten up and save sex for a committed relationship. Make it worth the wait and assure the guy that you are no prude, you are just not cheap or easy.
    blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

  8. what a bunch of bullshit. you fuck on the first date. so what?! what a joke of a double standard. if you leave them wanting more, or are that good of a lay, they always call. ladies, you’re not the first chick he’s screwed on the first date, so why get attached?

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