How to Identify Selfish men before it’s too late.


For JuJu:

I received a note from a reader today and hopefully she doesn’t mind that I share the topic with  you other ladies whom may be wondering the same thing. So thanks to JuJu, today’s post is about “How to identify Selfish Men before it’s too late.”

I love women, I really do. When she is in love with a man she’ll do almost anything to please him, to include overlooking the obvious. In this instance the obvious is that he’s selfish as hell and he thinks that the world revolves around him. In his small mind he feels that it is a privilege for you to be with him. The crazy thing about this scenario is that you reinforce this thought process by continuing to overlook the obvious, he’s really only into himself.

How many of you have girlfriends with boyfriends like this? Or better yet, how many of you have had men like this in the past or currently? The guy who expects so much of you and gives only what he wants in return. Generally, he’ll do things for you only to get something in return. I am afraid most of you have that man now, you probably have just chosen to ignore it and overlook the obvious.

These are men whom expect you to do things like clean the apartment, wash his clothes, make him dinner, make love to him when you are tired, take care of him when he is sick and if you have children together, he expects you to raise them with little input or help from him.

Whatever happened to a 50/50 relationship? One where he does the same or more for you, does that exist anymore? I say they do, and if you are not in a relationship that is 50/50 right now, then you are doing yourself a great injustice and wasting away your youth and beauty on someone who possibly will never change. At least not for you. He may learn a valuable lesson when your gone, if he does that’s a good thing but the next woman he is with will be the one who benefits from your suffering.

Most men learn their lesson when the woman they’re currently with is gone and he finally realizes exactly how much he actually loved her. We’ve all heard the expression, “You don’t know what you have, until it’s gone”, right? In order to ensure that we don’t meet that same fate and suffer heartbreak again (yes, men suffer heartbreak too) we learn as much as possible from our last relationship and attempt to change. Now it may take three or four break-ups for us to get it right, but eventually we get it.

Now as for the guys whom haven’t learned this important lesson, currently they are in relationships with women (or girls) who as I stated above overlook the obvious, for now. For those of you who have been through relationship blues with selfish men and seek desperately to avoid this situation in the future I’ve created a list (Thanks to JuJu) to help you identify and hopefully avoid men who are selfish and not ready to change. For those men that haven’t changed yet, you may want to bypass him for now because he’s still a work in progress.

When first going out with a man in an attempt “to determine if it may become something more, here are somethings you should look for and their abscence should be noted and carefully scrutinized later.

1) Does he talk about himself constantly as if he’s trying to impress you?

If he does it’s not only you, he probably talks to everyone about himself. This could be because that’s all he knows about and/or cares about. In the end though he’s probably just like a commercial, you know the ones where they try to make a product look better than what the actual product really is.

2) When you got into his car or walked up to a door, did he open it for you?

I know that some women want to be treated as equal, but men opening doors is a very good sign that he is showing respect, courtesy and appreciation. From the time I was able to walk my Grandfather instructed me that I should always open doors for women, all women. When I asked him about this practice when I was older, I was told that women deserve to have doors opened and chairs pulled out for them because they do so much for men and this is a sign that you appreciate them for all they do.

3) Does he bring you lunch or dinner to your work place to ensure you have eaten when he knows you are busy? Do you have to ask, or does he volunteer to do it?

Women do this for men all the time. Why shouldn’t a man return the favor? He should and it is required if he is not selfish. You shouldn’t even have to ask, he should do this without question. the 50/50 rule is that whatever you do for him, he should be willing to do for you and more. So if you’ve been with a man for awhile, ask yourself, “How many times has he brought me something to eat at work without my asking?”

4) Does he go out of his way to make sure you are safe and secure?

Would he drive to your work place late at night just to walk you to your car to make sure you are safe? Does he ask you before hanging up after a late night talk,” Are the doors and windows secure?” If he does these things it’s because he cares and you are important to him. He puts your well being ahead of his own which shows total unselfishness.

5) Does he ask for your opinion consistently and follow your advice on important matters? Or does he make all the decisions in the relationship?

Only a selfish person would make a decision for two people that effects them both without consulting the other for their input. So if he goes out and makes a large purchase without discussing it with you, he’s selfish.

6) Does he know when you are tired, frustrated, happy, or sick without you having to tell him?

If he cannot tell what your mental or physical condition is on site then he’s really not paying enough attention to you. He should pick up on all of these quickly. You should never have to tell him that you are not feeling well, he should know. I bet you know when he’s under the weather without asking and you adjust accordingly, right. Selfish people are only aware of how they feel and they overlook problems or issues that effect everyone else.

7) Does he get an attitude or attempt to make you feel guilty if you say you have a headache or are too tired to make love to him?

Women and men differ when it comes to sex. As one person stated, women sometimes need a reason to have sex, men just need a place. If he cannot understand that you’re tired and respect this for what it is, it’s because he’s selfish and only concerned with his own needs.

8) Would he cancel plans to go to a sporting event with friends just because you had the flu?

A unselfish man would and he would expect his friends to understand. If you’re ill he’ll want to be there to take care of you just like the 50/50 rule implies. In the event you could get an unselfish man to actually go to the game anyway, he wouldn’t be happy about it and he’d be calling you every 30 minutes or so to see if he needs to come home. A selfish man won’t call and when he comes home he’ll expect you to get up and make him something to eat because he probably drank too much.

9) Does he love his car or motorcycle more than you?

Ever have that boyfriend who has a car that even though you two live together he will not let you drive? He has to wash it every week and vacuum it out and tells you to wipe your feet before getting in? Ever had a man like that? That’s the guy who will park on the other side of the parking lot late at night so no one dings his door on this machine, then tells you to walk across a darkly lit parking garage on the wrong side of town while he stays with the car to ensure it’s safety. No concerns about you during this time, only that damn car or motorcycle. He’s selfish ladies! I don’t care how much he paid for it, he should be concerned about you that much and not a machine.

10) Will he accompany you to do something you like to do (even though it’s something men necessarily don’t do) just to be able to spend more time with you?

In every relationship there are things that the other does not like to do. I once had a girlfriend who love going to plays. I hated it, but by going it allowed me some extra time to spend with her and it was well worth it. In the end I began to like going because it made her happy and I was just happy to be with her. To be able to do this, I had to be unselfish, if not, I would have been selfish in trying to dictate to her the places I would accompany her. Most men don’t like to go shopping, a selfish man will not go with you to buy your clothes. An unselfish one will not only accompany you, but will assist in the selection of items he would like to see you wear.  Every man wants to go shopping when you’re going to Victoria Secret. How about the man who will go shopping with you just to be able to spend extra time with you?

There is nothing more important to a man than when his woman shows a act of total unselfishness, like arrive on his job with a nice meal unexpectedly or to forgo plans she’d made months in advance simply because he wasn’t feeling well. Isn’t it time men returned the favor?  I think so too. You ladies deserve this type of unselfish acts too, no, you’ve earned it and rightly so.

So now, just in case I missed something in the paragraphs above let me make it clear that any man whom takes advantage of you in any manner is selfish.

He is only thinking of himself if you are not his only woman, if he doesn’t properly take care of you, if he doesn’t give you the proper amount of attention, if he leaves you unsatisfied after love making and doesn’t work to correct it properly. He’s selfish if he puts anything or anyone before you if you are his true love as he says. If he will not miss a night at the bar with friends to take you to the movies, he’s selfish. If he cannot commit to just you and he, he’s selfish. If he only comes to see you when he wants something, he’s selfish. In short, if he doesn’t treat you the same way he expects to be treated by you, then he my dear is selfish.

Now the only thing left to be asked is this, “Are you selfish to expect a man to do those things that a unselfish man will do for you?” Damn right, you’re selfish but as a woman you can be, because you’ve earned this right.

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88 comments on “How to Identify Selfish men before it’s too late.

  1. An excellent blog reminding us ladies, it’s not all about him. To many times we wait on our man hand-n-foot forgetting our own desires. The question is: If you do have a man with all these wonderful qualities and he stops, do you know how to identify the issue.

    Too many relationships start this way finding a road to tedious daily routines 15 years later. What happened? I’ve heard all the excuses- believe me. Couples work on everything else in their relationships but the respect of intimacy.

    If you have found yourself in this position or don’t ever want to lose being treated like a queen take a look a me up. I can teach you how to make him never look again. Not because it isn’t in his genetic makeup but because he won’t want to look.

    Now take this wonderful advice and find yourself a man that’s really into you! Good luck ladies.

    Best,
    JW RadCliffe

  2. Are you married? Because I think I’m in love with you!! Just kidding- but seriously, I think it is so refreshing to have a man honestly talk about how women should expect to be treated. Its nice to know that there are still men out there that appreciate women and think they deserve nothing less than the highest respect. Thank you for restoring my faith in men!

  3. Thank you for a great article, I will forward it to many of my female friends. Your advice is insightful. My only concern is that this type of male behavior is usually a learned trait, thus if your father or another male role model didn’t teach you this, I doubt you will act in such a way.

  4. Hey there! Great article. I have been in a three year relationship and am JUST now contemplating whether this man is too selfish to change. My problem is that it’s very subtle how selfish he is. He owes me and a friend tens of thousands of dollars (I know big mistake) yet he diligently pays his friend first. Hardly thanked me. He is not a generous lover. I can name a bunch of other stuff. Thing is, we just had a major month of heart to hearts where I said he needed to change. He’s done little stuff but do you think he can actually change? Or am I overlooking the obvious because I need the security? Thanks in advance for your insight!

    • ok if you have that kind of money to just give out then what the hell do you need with a man to drag you down for, I learned that lesson the hard way too, stop giving him any money lie tell him you lost all your money in a bad investment and your now broke then see how long he stay around then, mine was around for about a week then he picked a fight and was gone off to find yet another womne to give him money, look into it more dont get ripped off ok, I have done this I know

    • It’s good that you’re noticing these little signs in his behavior, and particularly his neglect in paying you back. Based on my experience with other men, I can tell you he won’t change. You’ve already noticed not only his actions, but the underlying attitude he has about you and your relationship and clearly he thinks of himself first.
      Even if you’ve had a number of heart to heart talks with him, if you’re still around you’re letting him know that you’re not as serious as you *say* you are about your unhappiness. If you leave him, he’ll know for certain. And you’ll save your time, energy and emotion from yet another talk which will yield the same results. Time, energy and emotion that can go towards another man who adores you.

  5. I got super attached to a selfish man because I was too young and inexperienced to recognize it in time to jump out. The saga continued on and off for many years after we broke up. I finally got tired and cut him off completely two years ago. Now everytime he sees my friends he asks about me and tells them that I am a “good woman.” Blah, Blah, Blah.

  6. Thanks for this great article. It helps me to be aware about selfish guys and save myself from pain, although it is a part of every relationship but at least I am not engaging in a relationship with such selfish dude.

  7. hi my name is cathy and I just read your list, and I am here to tell you run, from the really nice guys too, I just got out of a one year/8mth blow my mind realationship with a man who did everything right and ended up being a selfish beat the hell out of me ass whole, he opened doors for me asked how I was doing, if I where safe took care of me when I was sick gave me money when I was broke cooked clean took me shopping picked out my out fits got my haiir done showed me off to everyone was the sweetist nice guy polite giving sharing, then he one day snaped,hit me kicked bit me slamed me,verbel attacked me, why why I dont kow cat

  8. he has a personality dis order I find this out the hard way, stay away from Tracy J Foreman ladies, good looking and nice and sweet, but he will turn on you, I promise,the way to know if your loved is to tell them dont love me love you if you know to love you, then you can love me dont make me happy make you happy if your happy then I will be happy, that is the only way to know you have a good partner that is the only way to a good life is to love you and take care of you,then you will, do right by with someone is hard to find but it’s out there, love the world
    cat

    • Cathy, so funny, I thought he had a personality disorder after I read your first comment… I had one like that too! They should teach kids about them in school…. nobody told me that people like that exist! I was completely fooled!

  9. Thanks for this article. I have been divorced once and I just broke up with the perfect woman. I didn’t realize how selfish I was being till she got enough nerve to tell me. I want to change I love her and I want her back. I had come up with my own list before reading this blog and I came up wayyy short. Thanks for the help.

  10. Thank you for this email,I thought I was the only one with this problem.unfortunately for me I have given my boyfriend money,for fuel,food,rent,fare and many more things but he just behaves like he does not owe me.One day I asked him to buy us dinner, he gave me cash and asked me to bring him change,thats when it hit me realised am living with a selfish man.I have tried to ask him for my money and he only gave me like $100.But i know he owes me much more.I dont know what to do yet but in that list of selfishness the only thing he does is he knows when am not happy or am tire and he does not push me for sex.I am still not sure where to go from here but I am happy that this article has helped me confirm he is selfish.Thank you.

  11. Most of your points are quite valid but some of them are bordering sexism.

    First of all, any man who opens doors for women, will have come across many women who attack him for it, calling him a chauvanist pig. Its just not fair to expect that from men anymore – especially if you want it without having to voice that demand.

    That brings me to the next point. Expecting a man to know how you feel without having to say so is incredibly self centered and infantile. What if he’s going through a rough patch himself? Remember the first rule about making a relationship work? TALK!!!

    Bottom line:
    There is no greater respect you can show someone than to treat them as your peer. That means, don’t expect anything from your partner that you’re not willing or able to do yourself.

    • I agree. And as a woman with a man who is, shall we say, half-selfish, I can tell you that communication is the key.

      Yes, some men are terminally selfish and should be dismissed, but other men have never been in a relationship with someone who took the time to explain her needs to him. Women have a bad habit of becoming secretly resentful about behavior that they don’t like in their men, and expecting the guys to psychically know it. Rather than voicing their desires, they become passive-aggressive or just dump their boyfriends. These guys really don’t learn anything because they weren’t told about the problem.

      So be assertive! And tell him exactly what you want. Within reason, he should listen. And if he doesn’t, then you can dump him.

      Another thing I’d like women to think about- Why do you do nice or thoughtful things for your boyfriend or husband? Do you do it because you want to make him happy? Or because you expect something? Security, adoration, love? I say, if you are not doing it out of altruism or if it makes you feel resentful, stop doing it and focus on yourself.

      • agree with this one and the previous poster. i’m in a relationship with a guy who seems a little selfish compared to me, and tomorrow i will be doing my best to express how that is for me – i don’t think he is even aware that i see it that way. i think he wants me to be happy, and it would be so very unfair for me to expect him to know how i feel if i don’t tell him. he is intelligent, perceptive, emotionally supportive and attentive – but he’s still a dude. i don’t want to have unrealistic expectations or demands.

        sure, it’s great if a guy knows how i feel when i don’t have to say something. but that seems unrealistic. people have their own stuff they are dealing with. and, if you don’t naturally show your mood very obviously on your face, it’s even more unwise (imo) to expect a guy to instantly know how you feel. that would be nice, but i think it’s more accurately an ideal than what we should expect.

        some guys need you to be direct and obvious. sometimes (or often) they assume it’s all going fine or well if you don’t share any concerns. i don’t know if that’s automatically selfishness though. it could be a side effect of testosterone.

        it’s funny, we women think we want a guy to be sensitive and attentive to our needs, but many of us find out we prefer if the guy will still be a guy about a few things. i don’t mean we want him to be a jerk. i just mean, i think many of us only THINK we want a totally emasculated man.

    • AWESOME response. I too find this article a bit sexist. What a non-selfish man should do is yes, listen to her non-verbal cues, but also communicate to her that sometimes it is virtually impossible to be 100% attentive. Talk to your woman about how she is feeling. Men tend to want to “fix” things, it’s how our minds work. Time after time I’ve heard from my ex-girlfriends that they just want to be validated and discuss their feelings without a designated solution. That shows them you care and in effect IS the solution. Remember ladies, your man isn’t supposed to be your servant, but should be WILLING to serve you in any way you need. The same goes for women, if the relationship is to work. Men are people too, and neither sex is “better” or “more deserving” of love and appreciation than the other.

      A relationship should NEVER be 50/50; it should always be 100/100.

  12. This is an EXCEPTIONALLY WELL-WRITTEN article, and every single one of the points was “on point!” I just broke up with a man who refused to go to a public outting with me. It was NOT like he had to work or anything, he just told me that he didn’t “feel like” going to the event and that I had to accept that. The interesting thing is that this man looks good on paper (e.g., tall, never been married, no children, master’s degree, and recently got accepted into a doctoral program), but when you scratch the surface you realize that he is an EXPERT at wasting women’s time. I came to the realization day before yesterday that as much as I SOMETIMES enjoy being in a relationship with this man, when I really examined my feelings, I realized that I am only happy with him about 30% of the time! When I realized that I was more UNHAPPY than HAPPY with him, I realized that it was time to go. I also see that the reason WHY he has never married is because he is looking for a woman desperate enough to allow him to do whatever HE wants, whenever HE wants, and however HE wants. Although there are times when he will be considerate, these actions are few and far between. I am really proud that I dumped his skank behind! I deserve better and will get it!

  13. Yes your right, my husband is selfish. Although been together a while now, he has once gave up attending his greyhound games, and when he did, he constantly mentioned what he gave up. Me on the other hand, gave up a lot of my dreams to make him happy. He never seems to be interested about anything i do, I don’t do a lot these days and he is running me down as he should be pushing me, like I push him, or he would not be where he is now. I don’t understand and never will, it really does get me down.

  14. 6 months ago I broke up with a man whom I dated 8 yrs. Never lived together, only saw each other on weekends if he was not skiing. Most weekends consisted of dinner, sex and him leaving after breakfast. Not to say with didn’t do some fun things, but most of the time we were apart …When we would walk down the street, he would not walk with me. He would always walk in front of me and make me run to keep up with him…so sad!! When we went out to dinner, he would wait for me to pick up the bill and then give me 1/2 so I could pay for my 1/2. Most of the time I would let the bill sit there and then eventually he would pick up after 30 minutes and I would not offer anything. Needless to say when I broke up with him, I didn’t shed a tear or miss him….hard to miss someone like that!!

  15. Thank you so much for opening the curtains on the man and his mystique, especially the signs to remind us gals, the red flags that indicate he’s “probably just not going to be into us, or any other woman”. I am looking forward to reading many more of your posts, maybe I am not too “seasoned” to learn more about who I am and who guys are….Twofish13

  16. May I have your permission to link my blog, Twofish13.wordpress.com to yours? I think it would be fascinating to readers to gain both intelligent female and MALE perspectives. What do you think?

  17. I got out of this kind of relationship over 2 years ago and I thought I was the crazy one, because he had so much support from everyone around us (which when i think about it now, doesn’t surprise me, since we were ALWAYS surrounded by only HIS family and HIS friends)who thought he was angel boy. He was very good at playing the part. Talking to my grandma in Polish when she would start a conversation with him in English. Even SHE thought he was a bit of a suckup! Anyway, as women, I think we are genetically made to be nonjudgemental and nurturing so we overlook and dismiss so many self-centred things that men do and always try to find the good in people (men). I am happy to say that I now know what kind of man I want and I will settle for nothing less. Someone who is willing to love, care for, and take care of me as much as I want to do all those things for him.

  18. I think one of the most selfish things a man can do is to not COMMUNICATE face-to-face with the woman he is supposed to care about. I mean, I’m not a negative person, I am a straight female who happens to be emotional sometimes, not that often but when I do become EMOTIONAL about something upsetting (say someone close to me passed away) i cry, and instead of offering SUPPORT, UNDERSTANDING, & COMFORT the selfish man only thinks of his OWN SELFISH NEEDS like “what are you crying for, why isn’t my dinner ready yet” or uses CRITICISIM to justify his utter LACK OF MATURITY & not be able to handle ANYTHING that doesn’t fit into his image of what the “perfect” relationship should be about. The “SELFISH MAN” only thinks about HIS emotional needs and not the needs of others, oh so youre not supposed to cry if one of your FRIENDS PASSED AWAY?? Give me a damn break please. How selfish is a man who only listens to HIMSELF TALK and not bother to hear the opinions of the person he so CLAIMS to care about so that things can move in a more PROGRESSIVE POSITVE MANNER, Oh but he is “QUICK 2 FLEE” if things don’t go HIS WAY . If he can’t sit you down face 2 face and discuss ANYTHING with you aside from making the WRONG ASSUMPTIONS about you “CONSTANTLY” & not getting ANY clarification from you directly, or doesn’t even care to HEAR YOUR OPINION about anything then folks, he’s is a VERY VERY SELFISH MAN. INDEED….

  19. Was back with my lover/friend after a breakup. Breakup was over his selfishness. Coming to my home empty-handed and seeking the best wine, dessert, meal , Hennessey and intimacy. If I reluctantly ask him to stop and bring something like celery, wine or anything I might need for the meal I am preparing he would balk and actually would tell me “Awwww…You don’t need any of that. We can do without it.” It got to the point where I just outright said “If you can’t stop for that then go back home”. If I say “I have a headache.” He says “I have one, too.” Initially we agreed that when he came to my home he would get royal treatment and when I go to his home I get royal treatment. Guess where he stayed? Yep! At my home. Recently he came and brought nothing, as usual, then when his meal was prepared for him he asked “You don’t have any spinach?” I counte to three then said “Next time you want spinach, bring it with you.” He wants to eat out of china and not paper plates even when I ask him politely to avoid a sink full of dishes only I clean. He has been trying to fake the funk like he has changed and I have been scoping him out because I had my doubts. Check this out: Just a few days ago he bought lunch, paid a portion of dinner after using a gift card he was given for Christmas and had gone shopping for clothes for himself. He agreed to pay for a couple items I picked up at the time. I didn’t ask him to, but he thought he was doing the right thing. Well, it gets really good. I had been taking him to and from the airport and never asked for gas (Although I think a good and caring man would always say “Honey, let me fill up so you don’t have to” or “Here’s some cash for the trip”) Well, that evening on the way to his home I pulled into the gas station to fill up because the tank was on “E”. He turned to me and asked me “Where’s the card?” I said what card? He said “You can write it off” I said” It’s still my money that I worked hard for and using it is taking away from what I would take home” “It’s not like I ask you ever for gas, all the times I carry you to and from the airport”. He lost it!!! He started telling me how much money he had spent that day and that I knew his work schedule had a gap in it an he had to watch his funds. He even told me that he bought me stuff that I didn’t need and paid for lunch and dinner. Mind you this was 10:00 at night!!!!. I am still reeling from the tirade with him protesting abou t paying his way. I have concluded, as I told him ” It seems to hurt too much to treat me right” It pains him to come off of any funds … I don’t feel valued and am walking away ..this time for keeps. He apologized for the tirade then tried to explain it as my fault for saying a real man would never have to be asked to put gas in the car especially to carry him home or anywhere.I told him I needed to be treated like a lady and that if he couldn’t do that then he couldn’t afford to take care of me like I need to be and want to be. I told him I faulted myself for not making sure that he stepped up to his financial responsibility for too long and now that I am focused on him carrying his weight in the relationship it is thowing him off. I knew he had not changed from being the selfish person that caused us to split in the first place. Hear me somebody, please!! Why would I want to put up with this? What do you think this guy is about? We were supposed to get married even, but I couldn’t imagine a life with this selfish XYZ…I matter…to me if not to anyone else!!! If this isn’t the height of selfishness, then what is??? I wonder if he even realizes what it feels like for me being on the other end of this? Does he even care? Could he even care? Is it a disorder that prevents him from being able to understand my position or feelings onthis matter???? HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO??????

    • Dear Esorema,

      By the time you read this I hope you have long since left him. And you’ve got it right there, you’re dealing with someone with narcissistic personality disorder, (Google it) there is no cure and these people have no empathy and non-existent consideration for others.If you care anything, anything at all about yourself, your self-eestem, your own emotional well being you will leave him, You need not put up with that degree of selfishness,ever. People who are selfish ultimately always end up with the only person they care about: Themself

    • Esorema,

      I can identify with you. I was dating a guy on and off for three years, and he is so damn selfish. He didnt want to do the activities I wanted to do, he always made the plans where we would go, he never brought anything to my house to cook, that was my job he stated. When my car was down, and he worked 20 minutes from me, I asked him to take me to my dad house to get the car so i can use it for work. Now mind you, he only stayed about 15 minutes away from my fathers house, and he made a big deal about that!!!! that was the actuall last straw for me. I felt that if he could not be there for me in this situation, i don’t need him. I called him and told him it was over… and yes, for a few weeks, i felt sad and alone, but you know what? I wouldn’t change a damn thing because I did what i felt in my heart was right, and have no regrets. We have broken up, and he has always came back and i would let him in before, and he wanted to marry me, so he said., but i i couldn’t be unhappy any longer, i know it has to be someone out there for me. I hope now that he realizes that what he had was good, and now i am gone, then maybe he won’t, he will probably feel like i made the mistake!!!

      • Oh My God! Esorema, please get a grip! Can you read how pathetic you sound???!!! I am angry because you let someone else treat you like a doormat. I suggest you read “Why Men Love Bitches” a few times. Let it sink in and then get a life, girl!

  20. So I am having a nervous breakdown … I think… I have been living a less than satisfactory, unhappy, life for some time now… years … I completely identify with Thatsrite and so many of the other posts… I have been in love with a jeckyl & hyde part time narcissist for over a decade. In January, I got the courage to stand up for myself, even though the thought of life with out him terrifies me at times. He will not communicate. When I have tried to tell him my needs, which is difficult for me – because when he dismisses it, then I feel even less validated and unimportant & then that feeling aches & is devastating.. like I just do not matter to anyone, what I think, say, want, need.. is just utterly irrelevant to everyone around me. I have a 15 year old son who is currently self centered. I hate my life and the way I feel right now…. pathetic… and I need help and a friend or 2 and no-one is here cause I gave my fricken life to him & the kids. I have for the past 6 months tried to pull away, focus on me .. believing this is the only way it could get better… & instead, he went & got a new girlfriend. & its hurting so bad. I have cried non stop for days. I dont even know why I am crying like this. I know even if I did give him my youth and my beauty & it wasnt enough for him & that some seriously cruel & self centered things he has done out weigh the funny and kind ones… I am better off without him… (but am I ? -the youth & beauty & fertility are gone… I am left alone, angry, sad, damaged & lost… without and social life or hobbies or what to do.) It is still hurting like hell. Scott wouldn’t commit to a wedding ring, despite my ongoing devotion for 13 years of off & on hell & bliss, thinking eventually, he would …I confronted him in February, that I wanted more than the arrangement we had, living in separate houses around the corner from each other, and me ALWAYS going to his house, that I not only wanted more, that.. now on the cusp of 40 – I NEED more. I NEED that security, and intimacy. He told me he only wanted it the way it currently was, that he would never marry again, that he cares about me and he wont live together or be married,(again, breaking my heart – as I have invested so much time, energy and I do Love him = and it left me to choose the unknown or let go of my needs for intimacy which are now overwhelming me). I continued to stop by the house, because I miss his son (who is 8 – we broke up for about 11 months 1/2 way through – he had his son with another woman & after 10 months he realized he screwed up – came back to me. He got custody because she is literally certifiably mentally ill he doesn’t know his mom.. His mom & I are it) I overheard 3 weeks ago he was out on a date. I responded bravely, its good, its time we moved on. Thursday I found out she was now coming around his son, and today I was told he just took his new girlfriend canoeing in Vermont over the weekend. I am sad. I am enraged. I am shaky. I cannot sleep. I am heartbroken, I am obsessing… and I dont know why ! I know I deserve more, to be loved and appreciated, and held and valued, and validated… and I ache. in a very empty way. I feel alone. I feel scared. I feel damaged. I miss his son. I think I am losing it. Anyone have tips on how to move on when there is no resolution.. How to let go, when there was no discussion – no closure… I am not even sure how to obtain that. I dont want to feel this way.

    • Yes, I dont know when this was or if it is still going on. I have felt that way in the past as well. As a matter of fact after about two to three months I went for counseling. It really helped. My friend told me, in a very cold tone, “He just doesnt care about you” It hurt, but it was so true. I cried for a while even took anti depressant meds to help but I began to heal, and get better. One thing I did was a pros and cons list. To my surprise the cons were alot longer than the pros. I learned I was better off, it hurt, but I am better today. Thats one of the problems with break ups. No one is all bad. That makes it hard to accept. There is someon out there for you that is a better fit. Take the time to love yourself, and work on you man picker. If you dont believe our worth it you wont pick it. Remember, You are the best.!

  21. I had a feeling that I was in one of those relationships. My now ex boyfriend, hardly called UNLESS he wanted something, hardly ever wnquired about my safety, never noticed if I was unwell, and in short never put me first at any given time.
    And spent his free time certainly not with me unless he was gaining from it.
    My only regret that I didn’t leave sooner.

  22. I was married to Mr. Selfish for 20 years. He did open doors for me, mostly if other people were around. As for my emotional well-being….that did not count to him. When he asked for a divorce, I said yes. I have never missed the relationship, only was sorry that my family was splitting up. But most of the time I felt like a single mother anyways. He was always too busy with his own stuff. One day both of my kids needed a ride at the same time to different places so I asked him to pick up my daughter. He forgot her. I wish I had read this article before I met him. To all you girls out there, if you meet a man like this……RUN. They don’t change.

  23. Ladies, if you meet up with this man….RUN. I was married to him for 20 years. Selfish men don’t change, they just get more demanding. I felt like a single mother most of the time because he was too busy to be bothered with us (except when he needed something). If I had read this article way back when, I might have acted more intelligently.

  24. Thanks for a great article..I’m in a situation with a selfish guy right now..he only calls and comes to see me every couple of months whenever he is in the mood, and I was so close to giving in again…i feel a lot better after reading this though…gives me strength to do what I know is right for me and cut him off finally!

  25. How do you respond to a situation where the man you fell in love with was wonderful, respectful, and wanted to be more like you…then when he started losing his job, had to relocate, and stress levels rose to a point he became selfish?

    Currently he is in therapy to help with setting boundaries and regain his dignity that he lost to his ex-wife of 10 years. I have been patient and tolerant feeling this is temporary. Recently I told him I felt it was time to go our separate ways. I needed a man who would show me that he loved me.

    He usually takes about 8 weeks to digest information and provide a response. So far his responses have put us back on track.

    My other issue, is every relationship I have had has been with strong selfish men. I am a very strong woman and require a strong man in order to have a relationship. Those relationships differ from my current/last in they were selfish up front and just kept hoping they would change. The best part is after I left they became the perfect husband to someone else.

    I am beginning to feel like the “starter wife”.

    Any suggestions?

    • just want to clarify the statement of “so far his responses have put us back on track”. The meaning behind this statement is when I have presented a situation where he has been selfish with me, he has corrected it.

      In all relationships you have ups and downs, one is a giver and the other a taker and then the roles reverse. Obviously I am on the fence at this time on do I stay or do I go.

      I am just confused.

      • Hi Gloria,

        What you do depends on if you feel you can live with his selfishness or not. To begin with I think it would be wise to talk to him about his selfish ways so that he understands that you are not happy about it. Give him an opportunity to change the way he is. If no change occurs after this point then you may want to take more drastic steps.

        Anonymousmale1

  26. Once upon a long time ago, I had the picture perfect life; a successful husband, beautiful children, big house, financial security, overseas trips. I was the envy of many woman. But one day I looked in the mirror and saw an unrecognizable face; a woman on her last breath, worn down by years of giving everything and not receiving anything. Depleted of life because I gave all of mine away. I broke down. The next day I got up and said goodbye. I saw all the signs right from the start, but ‘hope’ kept me going. Hope that someday he would revolve his world around me and not around himself, hope that things would eventually turn out. They never did and they never do. I have not a single regret for leaving and I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life.
    Love, respect and appreciate who you are and expect no less from the man in your life.

  27. What about the time when I had a girlfriend that didn’t give a damn, and was almost how you described above, selfish. What then? You still gonna screw guys over for the lace in chivalry? Cammon! You should make a more balanced article by including the element of reciprocity! There are women out there, though perhaps lesser in numbers than men, who are dominant in the relationship and not give a damn about the guy and want him where she wants him and not anything else! Don’t be so one sided ok?

  28. I loved this post, because you do bring up a very big problem that women have. The even BIGGER problem is that a lot of women, consciously or not, seek to be the ‘care giver’ and take care of a man and then get bitter over it. This is a social pattern that both women and men need to break in order to get to the 50-50 giving in a relationship.

    http://thebigbookofdating.wordpress.com

  29. Im at a crossroads with my life and not sure where to go. I love my boyfriend very much and know he is a very good guy.But for the past 2 years he has struggled to keep a job. Recently his brothers and sister moved to Texas. He has always talked about moving and im really close to my family and friends and never really thought i could leave them. Im 25 years old and have never moved out of my moms house and have never taken any risks in life. I have played it pretty safe. He helped his brothers move down to texas and found a good job down there and now wants me to move down there as well. I mean everything is going good for him there. But should i give up my job, which by the way i dont love but it pays me decent, more than i would make in texas. Its just a big step for me to take, im not sure if i will be happy leaving my family and friends and everything thats familiar to me. there is a lot more to this story but i feel like everything is about him and whats going to be good for him. But what about my well being? Should i have to give up everything to go down there with him with no job?

    • Hi Brittney,
      That’s an interesting situation you’re in. However, with that said I must admit that while reading your letter that I didn’t get the feeling that you are seriously into the relationship. When people are in love they make sacrifices (on both sides) to remain together. You appear to have some reservations other than leaving your family and friends. I found it interesting that in the second sentence of your letter you wrote that he has struggled to maintain employment. This would cause most people to have reservations about leaving the security that they have currently for one where they venture into the unknown.
      If you indeed are worried about this situation then I think it would be a good idea to talk to him about it and let him know how you feel. If you are seriously in love with him and he you, then create a time line. Give him goals that you would like to see met before considering a move away from your family, such as keeping his job for a year, getting his own place. Things that will show that he is responsible and serious about you and his future.
      In the mean time, take turns visiting one another. Long distance relationships do last if both parties involved are serious about one another. Over the course of time you’ll be able to see if he is really serious about you and while you are in Texas visiting you may find that it could actually be a win, win proposition to move there.
      However, above all of that, please remember that you are really under no obligation to move anywhere with a man who is not your husband. Before I end this I would like to make one final recommendation. Living with your mom at 25 is great if its to assist her, or she is allowing you to save money for whatever reason. However, it might be prudent to consider getting your own place in the City near family and friends to prepare you to understand what it takes to live on your own. Just a thought.

      Good Luck,

      Anonymousmale1

      • Thank you for the feedback. Yes i am very in love with him and breaking up is not an option. I do realize that you have to compromise in a relationship and thats what i need to work on.. I do have reservations finding myself a job. Thats the scary part. He does make enough money to support me but im still worried being in a new place and no job wont do me any good. He has been living there for almost 3 months now and really likes the job. I do have a hard time leaving my family because im so close with them. I do think its time to move out tho as well. I have been living there because my commute is long and i dont like the area up north where my job is. Excuses, excuses i know. I think it will be good to get out on my own but i am worried about my mom because her and i are so close. I almost feel guilty because none of my family have ever moved from the area. Im sure it will all get better once im down there. I know if i dont do it i will always wonder what it would have been like. I guess theres no easy answer to this one

    • Do what YOU want to do. Don’t let anyone else dictate your future happiness. I would let him move away and then see how you feel. Visit him once or twice, maybe. Don’t do anything hasty. As the saying goes, “Act in haste, Repent at leisure”!

  30. Thanks for your great comment!!!!

    Lots of females don’t see those thing such as great great expression from a men,,, they to distracted in there own feeling rather seeking those red flag before to late,,, I have learn from my mistake,,however I don’t stay dum for long,, lol,,, its like a virus,, when it come back I can identify it and see it from a mile away,,lol

  31. I was dump a couple days ago, by a man that I was with for four years. We both been married in the past and both have two children from our previous marriages. We had issues and were on and off for the past two years. He always very selfish…and just today I noticed many things about it. like I read one of the comments above I was happy 30 percent of the time and unhappy most of the time.He took trip with his friends never planned nothing with me. but just the movies once in while. He said he never takes me serious because I dont do things for him like cleaning, laundry, cooking and all that stuff. This is a great article…and I am old fashion and I can do all those things, there arent that many men that are old fashion and cares for their woman. At least I gave my hopes up.

  32. I have been reading this article and following the comments the whole morning today. For a long time, I have been wondering whether this man is too selfish for me. We have been friends for 6 years or so. He always were kind and polite to me when we were friends and tried hard to have a date with me. then we became close and got together since this year. The main reason I hesitated for 5 years is that I felt he is too selfish. but the bond gets stronger and stronger over the years. so I eventually started to go out. I am not sure whether he is one of those selfish men that women should definitely avoid. Hope you can share some of your thoughts after reading this post. For years, when we go out for dinner or lunch or just a coffee, he would insist on splitting the bills 50-50. This happens about four or five times a week. But his share of the bill is often around 70%, maybe even 80%, because he orders expensive drinks and then desserts. For me, I often choose a cheap drink and no dessert after main. The bill often comes much bigger than I planned to pay. but he would get very annoyed if I want to only pay for my own items instead of paying 50% of the total bill. Same happens in coffee shops as well. He always insisted on leaving big tips too. I have no objection of tipping. it is just too much after I overpay for the food every time. The funny thing is everytime when we go out together with his friend or his family, he also try to show off by paying my share of the bill. This happens like 4 or 5 times a year. For the rest of meals out with only me and him, I always have to pay half and he always talk to other people that he took me out for a nice dinner here and there, blah blah. but the truth is I am paying 50% of it no matter how little I ate. Also, his earning and bonus is 50% more than mine. It is nearly four times above national average. Yesterday morning, in a pastry shop, he asked me out of blue in front of the waitress, saying, “you owed me $2 for ***, you paying for this one?”. I donot even remember such a thing. Ironically, just last night, his share of the dinner bill was nearly twice of my share. I still had to pay half of it. I am very confused with this relationship. It is not fair. But being friends for years first, it is very difficult to deal with him. Also, I feel terrible to calculate penny with someone so close. It is just the bills I overpaid over the last 6 years, it would have been really a lot. and I donot see where this relationship goes. At times, when he has some dinner/travel plan with friends, he would always invite me. but if I am financially tight, I would just tell him that I cannot comfortably afford it. Then he would just still go out with his friends and leave me alone even when he clearly knows I might just have a very simple sandwich for dinner. This happens like every month. Can you please share your thoughts with me? I am very confused, specially now he asks me to move to another country with him. If not for him, I would definitely not want to move.

    • Dot-Believe me, I totally understand how hard it is to think about leaving someone. But, after nearly 23 years of marriage to a totally selfish, self-centered man, (one of our counselors even told him he was very self-centered), I would strongly encourage you to break it off with this man. If he is this selfish now, things will only escalate. My marriage has been absolutely horrible, and the only reason I’m still here is because of my children. But having said that, the marriage is falling apart now and divorce is looming. The saddest part is that I’ve wasted 25 years of my life with him. Dot – YOU MATTER. Don’t let him force you into paying more than your share. The fact that he treats you like this speaks volumes about who he is. Trust your instincts. You DESERVE to be with someone who values you. If he’s putting himself above you now, that will never change. My DH (and that doesn’t stand for dear!) has escalated his behavior over the years and made me feel absolutely horrible about myself and doubt myself. I finally found a great therapist and have been regaining my sense of worth and my strength, and I know that I will be oh so much better off when DH is out of my life, and I CAN’T WAIT. Don’t get yourself into something like what I’ve suffered thru – you deserve better. Sometimes it’s better to be alone than to be with someone who devalues you. And there might be someone worth your time just around the corner!
      Take care.

  33. Both of us fly a lot. economy plus is the lowest level seats he would book for his personal flights. at times, he even choose to pay for business class for personal holiday flight, while he clearly knows I was struggling of paying my economy class tickets. it is not that I want any financial help from him. if he is actually paying his share of the bill fairly, I can afford my expense far more comfortably. just the thought of having a family holiday together in future, I and the (future) children sit in the economy class, and he sits in the business class, makes me feel terribly wrong.

  34. there’s no wonder why there are so many single mothers. it’s funny how your priorities come first as in “YOU NEED TO PUT ME BEFORE EVERYTHING INCLUDING YOUR OWN PERSONAL HAPPINESS”. i don’t fall under anything in this list but if you love someone, you learn to live with who they are. i’m surprised most men aren’t gay after the lifetime of women i’ve come across. THIS LIST MAKES YOU LOOK SELFISH. LOL.

  35. Nice posts. I am currently in a totally weird situation. I am in a relationship wit my best friend. Though we have known each other for long, he proposed only beginning of last year. Things were awesome! Being really close already, we understood each other well and loved each other deeply too. Though he worked around 1500 km away (i know!! loooong distance) from where I live, our relationship went strong……. until this may.

    He had been kind and loving and extra caring and considerate and quick to make things ok if I were in any trouble….the kind of man all women crave for……one thing i found about him that seemed very rare is that he was very particular about keeping me content in all aspects of our relationship…i was mighty happy with him!….. he was everything i wanted………i was blissfully basking in his love……….. then came the IN-LAWS in may. Honestly, I havent met nuttier folks! First, they flatly refused to meet me. Then they refused to talk to me even on call. Apparently, they had judged that I am not right for him even before they met me. How mature! I really have no clue what got them into thinking that……. I have a really good reputation and come from an affluent family so it was hard for me to digest the fact that they found me “not good enough” for their son.

    The one week he was in town on vacation, it was WAR in his house. Him on my side and his parents shooting missiles at our relationship. They would come up with very creative reasons to tell him why marring me would be a disaster. From “she probably doesnt love you” to “she might leave you if you have a financial crisis when you’re married”. Unbelievable! I dont want his money or assets and they accuse me of being a gold-digger! Why would I marry him for his money when I have assets of my own! Luckily for me, he knows that I only want him. Then came the next thing “Son, that girl probably wants to get married in an year. You wont be ready by then. Why deprive her of starting a family with another man just coz you cant settle down now. You mustn’t be selfish. Let her start a life with someone who can give her what she wants. You will take another 2-3 years to settle down. She wouldnt want to wait till then”. VERY TRICKY. How do they think up such statements?? Seriously! So they assume exactly which year I want to marry, which year I want to have kids and conclude our plans dont match, all without ever meeting me!

    He got so exhausted going through this drill that he went on a retreat the rest of his vacation. Let me tell u at this point that he and i are both 25!! And we are subject to this nonsense! Then he left for the city where he works. Since then, he avoids me on and off. I asked him if he wants to break up and he said no, stays strong on his statement that he wants to marry me.

    For the last six months, this is what has been going on – i call him, he cuts my call, i call him again, cuts again……… 3-4 weeks of silence…….. he calls, i pick up (coz im a woman and women forgive easily, exactly what this page is about) then he tells me he loves me a lot and is working things out and being away from me during this “working things out” time helps him devote all his energy to rectifying things for our future good. I agree. Happy conversation follows, i tell him keeping a distance to help him take certain decisions in his life alone is something i can understand but i just dont get why he has to wait 3 weeks to call. He says its necessary for him and then the silence continues.

    He used to call me 6-7 times a day. We used to talk on the fone/skype a lot………..sometimes all night on weekends. Being a long distance relationship, spending all of saturday night on skype was the best we could give each other. We met in person for only 1-2 weeks per year. And now, i hear from him once a month. He continues to tell me he loves me more than anything else, that he wants to marry only me, that he is keeping a distance so that i wont be disturbed brooding over all the crap that occurred between me and his folks, that i could use the time to progress in my career………. reasons that really dont justify why he can call only once a month and now I fear, lesser than that.

    Last month, i moved to another country. Yeah now the relationship has gone inter-national. I decided I wasnt going to start a new life with all this hurt and so told him i wouldnt call him and bother him in anyway as I have realised he doesnt love me. Then he flies down to my hometown, meets me and tells me his world falls apart if I leave him, that Im the best thing thats ever happened to him and its his dream to marry me someday. I am crazy about him so I accepted him again and happily went abroad. Been a month now and in the last 1 month, he called me ONCE. told me agn that he loved me and expected me to trust that he would be back for me once he gets a higher paying job and is ready to settle down. I want to trust him. but is that really wise?? His present salary is sufficient for us to start a life together but will not be sufficient if we want to have kids soon. So i can understand why he would want to land a higher paying job first before getting married. (He is very particular about having his own money to provide for me and our future kids and wouldnt really want to take my money for what he calls “pimary expenses”.)

    But can someone tell me if a man would actually cut all communication with the woman of his dreams while he is busy job-searching/rectifying things with his strange folks? Is that usual? I have always been very cautious of getting into a relationship and so this is my first one. I could always tell if i wanted a guy from the first conversation i have with him. That being the case, I have never felt inclined to “start” anything with any guy till i met this man. This man is the only one I have ever wanted. So its very difficult for me to think that he may be pushing me away. Also, he is a man of integrity. So if he did want to end things, he would plainly say it. If there is any guy reading this, could you tell me if this is normal? Knight keeping his beloved indefinitely waiting so he can get a better horse and a more glistening armor to come back for her??! Sorry for the ridiculous comparison but I am only trying to mask my self-pity with rotten humor. 😦

    • He does not love you. He wants to be with you only because you care for him so much and he would lose all this love and care once u r gone. if he loved u he would have missed u and called u tons of time. I m sure your conscience would have also told u that he doesnt give a damn since he called you just once. Girl Move on, Get a l ife you deserve better 🙂 Give life a second chance 🙂

    • As a man I can say…..

      No guy that truly loves a woman could handle only calling her once a month. That is absolutely ridiculous. He is either busy “being single” and keeping you on the hook for backup, or he is involved in drugs, or is incredibly selfish, totally immature or some combination of the four. Any man who loves a woman thinks about her every day. Any man who loves a woman knows she needs to be emotionally fed. This is ridiculous. Let him know you are going to start dating other people, then start dating other people. Move on.

  36. I too am in a relationship with someone who is totally selfish. He is currently working out of the country and asked me to come visit him and that he would pay for my ticket. Then, he tells me that he doesn’t have the money up front to pay for it, so asked me if I would pay for it and then he would pay me back.Yet he tells me that while he is making extra money over there that he will be paying $1000 a month for a motorcycle and that he would pay me back when he gets back stateside. Also, he chats on messenger and I have caught him doing this twice. Then he tells me that I have to accept him explicitly chatting on messenger with women. I guess I don’t mean that much to him. I KNOW that I don’t mean that much to him.

  37. Ladies, the #1 best way to weed out selfish guys and be treated with respect: do NOT sleep with any guy unless you are married first! If women actually did this, we would not have all these losers bringing us down today! Trust me, if a guy is good and loves you, he can and will wait until marriage. If he, won’t, there’s your answer: he is just using and disrespecting you. All my friends who did this, are happily married! The ones who slept with their husbands before they were married are ALL treated worse (much worse) by their husbands. Think about your happy future. It’s worth it! (PS: And you also will not be spoiling all the guys for other women who get stuck with them later!)

  38. Such a beautiful and true article. It has taken me a few relationships to learn this. I am afraid, however, that the person I’m currently with possesses one or two of the described selfish attributes. Is there a man out there that does contribute 50 percent and truly has not one ounce of selfishness in him? That question constantly lingers in my mind. Perhaps because I haven’t met anyone who goes above and beyond for me 100% the way I do, I’m doubtful of his existence…

  39. Just a piece of advice from a woman that has been through many kinds of bad relationships and learned from them: get to know his family if you want to know who he is. Most importantly, look at his relationship with his father.

    Fathers are important in teaching a man how to grow up, and their father’s admiration and approval means so much to the heart of a little boy. If the father is selfless, loves his family, protects his wife, shows respect, and is an effective father and provider, he will probably teach his son the same qualities. If the father is selfless, watch how receptive the son is to his father’s guidance, and watch how the son treats his mother. A man that shows respect for his parents, and has been raised well will likely grow to be like his father. A man who is raised in less than good circumstances has hope if he can sort out his own way, and reject attributes that were harmful, but it’s a lot of work, and may not succeed. You can change no one.

    Men usually become like what they know. A good family is only as effective as the receptiveness of the child. If a man rejects his father despite apparently good family values, or treats his mother badly run! He won’t treat you any better.

    I dated a man who rejected his abusive parents and tried to better himself, but how he was raised still had a strong influence on his values. He could not understand his responsibilities, put all expectations on me to do everything, and became selfish in every way. He had little to offer due to his own problems. He thought he was right, because that was the definition of manhood his childhood taught him.

    I was friends with a man who rejected his father who was a devoted, honorable father, and though the man kept a lot of his father’s values and was effective financially, he was also selfish and uncaring about others. He treated others as disposably as he did his own parents. How he treated his family was a good reflection of how he would treat others.

    I am now engaged to a man raised by a devoted, protective, faithful, father who works hard to provide. This man listens to me, moves heaven and earth when I’m in trouble, and loves with his whole heart. How do I know his father’s traits were passed on? He respects his parents, and he respects the sacrifices his father made to have a successful marriage. That respect is translated into his own acknowledgement and acceptance of his own responsibilities. A good man knows what is expected of him, understands the cost, and lays down his selfish desires for the betterment of his family. Growing up means taking up responsibilities. The most effective husbands know and accept their responsibilities in the household. They have been trained since childhood and have had role models of faithful men of charecter to teach them.

    If your boyfriend’s father is not the kind of man you feel makes a good husband, chances are, your boyfriend is just as clueless about what you expect from him in the relationship. If you find a man raised by a family that reflects your values, chances are, if he has accepted those values as his own, he will continue to live them in his relationship with you. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, so check out the tree, before deciding to take that apple.

    • Trish –

      I understand your point. I totally agree. However, the person I am currently with has an amazing family (parents and siblings). They are so humble and sweet. I’m sure they’ve passed, or attempted to pass on those exceptional characteristics, but I still feel like their son has selfish tendencies. If I didn’t know his family, I would think he was the only child from his actions. Don’t get me wrong, he’s respectful and sweet at times, but I feel like he doesn’t know how to share his life yet. I’ve communicated how I feel with him. I’ve even shared this article with him. He didn’t get upset. He’s a very calm and open-minded guy, but I told him I was concerned about his spending habits. He said he would curb his excessive spending over time. I know, from all my bad relationships, that you can’t change a man. You have to take him as he is. However, I want to make sure I’m not being picky. Am I asking for too much? Call me up and check up on me every now and then. I don’t want a text message every few hours asking me how I’m doing. Things like that mean the world to me. Perhaps I’m demanding too much.

  40. I giess u are so right because his selfishness and insecurities are really hurting me and the kids….he doesnt even try to work things out..

    • Pls tell me what should I do, he is controlling,abused me mentally, argue, pick fights, trapped, selfish especially w money, doesnt help w anything or the kids, blames me for evrything….should I leave because evryday is something worse

      • It sounds like he’s hurting you too much. That situation never gets better, so the only way to make it better for yourself and your kids is to get out of it. Mental/emotional abuse is unacceptable, and your kids–in observing you and him–will get the message that it is okay to be treated poorly. You say that every day it is something worse – this means that his behavior will only devolve, not improve. Show him and your kids that this behavior is NOT ok by leaving him and cutting off contact so that he cannot manipulate you into returning. Your kids will be so proud of you. I speak from experience!

  41. My boyfriend hardly ever calls…i do first. Hardly ever txts…just replies. Talks about his work constantly and his concern over the separate life he is leading with me and his family(his parents don’t want to even meet me because i have two children). He walks in front of me not with me, he has cooked for me once in eight months,i have on many occasions. I help him clean his house as well as mine. I wash the dishes after dinner, i didnt get a lousy card on Valentines day which is all i wanted and i booked dinner. He is distant at times because this thing with his parents is so upsetting to him…boo hoo. We went away for the day so i could visit my favorite Antique store and after lunch he decided to stay in the car while i went in by myself coz he was too tired and sleepy. I make such a huge effort and all i get is mixed msgs. Then when he feels like it he will be affectionate, tell me he loves me and could not live without me….that he would be shattered if we parted My god….of coarse he would,,,he would have lost a cook, cleaner, supporter, adviser, doormat and whore. He is successful, smart and honest but he does not know how to give, to care or to put me first. I have to leave….he has lost me and pushed me away for the last time. I am tired and exhausted. I have two children, i dont need a third.

    • Good for you Donna, there are plenty of good men out there that would love to opportunity to be with a beautiful woman such as you. Men that will accept your children as their own and treat you the way you deserve to be treated, with dignity and respect. Good luck.

  42. I read this, and posted all 10 questions on my fb 😉 , I seriously came to tears because I feel like I’ve noticed this pattern with my husband and the more I confront him the more he lies and denies it, and when I confront him on his lying and denying, he lies and denies lying and denying!! I am 19 years old I married my husband to be with him because he’s in the army and moved to Hawaii and I lived in Rhode Island so he was too far for me. He went to boot camp only 5 months after we started dating, and he seemed so perfect and he gave me a promise ring. Out of all my years of getting cheated on by boys and lied to and abused none of them gave me a ring…. so I thought this time it was real. I fell head over heals in love with him, everything was perfect, he was everything I ever hoped for in a guy. But after boot camp he changed 😦 Once he went to Hwaii he would always hang up on me when he was out at the club or watching a movie with his friends and he went to the strip club and bought a lap dance. And I found pictures of him like touching some girls belt like twirling his fingers around it so I confronted her and he broke up with me and said I was ruining his life and the lives of the people that he worked with…. he also had her send me messages about how they had sex and he likes hers better. So yeah I end up marrying him, guess I’m still not over the guy I fell in love with. But I still suspect he did something and everytime I ask him about it he gets mad and he yells “nothing happened”!!! and he said he only said he had sex with her to make me mad…. but then why do I still have suspisions??????? you know… And he is definitely selfish, without me getting into detail all of those questions describe him to the T. He once bought me a flower but I asked him to. I went to the movies with him to watch Immortals, not my thing, but because I want to do things with him. I cook for him , clean up after him… everything you said I do it and all I ask for in return is time, which I never get…. If you have answers for me please tell me something I don’t know, I know he’s selfish, but did he cheat ? I mean I told him if he’s telling the truth then he shouldn’t be getting mad, I think it’s anger because he’s guilty and because I’m nugging towards the truth, but he says “no it’s cuz you asked me a thousand times, the answer will always be no”. Everytime I suspected a man was cheating or lying I was always right!!!!! idk anymore………..

  43. As a man….

    I would agree with most of this article, but there are a few huge glaring errors in my humble opinion.

    First, most selfish men will NOT “learn their lesson” when their woman leaves them. Most selfish men I’ve known are clueless about it and when confronted about it totally rationalize or are in complete denial. This is important because if a woman thinks the prior woman taught the guy “his lesson” about selfishness, she is probably wrong and will just end up with an opportunity to learn her own lesson about selfish men (again).

    Next, this “50/50” rule is really bad. It basically tells the reader to keep an account of what he/she does and constantly compare it to one another. In my opinion this leads to destructive thought habits and resentment. I think behavioral and emotional accounting is unhealthy. The only rule that really works is a 100/100 rule. You give 100%, and hope your partner does the same. Your partners 100% may result in more or less than your 100% but that is irrelevant. All that matters is, is it enough for you or not. Give 100%, and if you’re not getting enough back, then it is not a good relationship for you. But 50/50 means keeping track and constantly comparing one to another. Counting is unhealthy and very short sighted.

    #6 on the list is problematic because some women are especially good at hiding their feelings, and some men (even unselfish ones) can be clueless at times. All people can be clueless at times, especially if they are going through a stressful period at work or in their family, etc. Also, #6 encourages women to specifically NOT communicate their feelings as some sort of way to get a reading about their man’s intiutiveness. That makes it a game or a test. Games and testing break the 100/100 rule.

    The most important thing about this article is that it encourages women to identify an important character trait issue in their man. I have seen too many women who believe that if they pamper their man more and more, or take more and more of his crap, that eventually he will appreciate them…. and then they do the same thing again and again with subsequent men. News Flash: If he doesn’t appreciate you, it is a character trait. So if this article helps women to look at the true character traits of the men they are with, stop making excuses for men who treat them badly, and start to make healthy and rational decisions about their relationships, then that is great.

  44. So..Im afraid my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years is too selfish to change. He is a REALLY nice guy and genuinely cares about me but he is a spoiled little rich kid. His mother did everything for him as a kid and never made him do anything he didn’t want to do so in my opinion that is what he thinks life is. I own my own dog grooming business and am VERY busy and for the past 3 1/2 years he has never offered to help me do anything personally or business wise. I just recently got a new dog and he hates him because he feels he takes my time away from him so he refuses to play with him or or pet him or tolerate him even though i have expressed to him how happy it would make me to be able to hang out with my boyfriend and my dog at the same time. I go with him every time he races his car or goes fishing and sit in 100 degree heat on the black top without complaint and he cant even pretend to like my dog let alone go out of his way to go to a dog show or expo or even just go shopping with me. I’ve told him how I feel about this situation and he just says you think i’m a bad boyfriend and he’ll try and change, but he really just gets mad at me. Now with that said he really does care about me but i just don’t get why he cant suck it up and be a man and do something he doesn’t necessarily wanna do to make me happy.

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