Happy New Year! I hope many of you had a very good New year and are excited about the prospects of 2009 as I am. The New Year is a great time to reflect on your life and to attempt to put things into perspective.The holiday season is a horrible time to find out that your significant other is a complete ass or worse yet unfaithful. Unfortunately it happens all to often and it will continue to happen until either men grow up or women become more selective in whom they chose to get involved with.
Since neither of these things are going to happen in the near future I figured for your New years gift I would give you “Ten reasons women get hurt in relationships.” It may not be much but hopefully this time next year at least one of you may be able to say that because you knew these things you avoided getting your heart broken.
1) Listening to their heart and ignoring their brain:
Women have a very bad habit of doing this. They see all the signs that he is full of shit but they “Love” him so they overlook the obvious. Friends tell you to move on, family tell you the same and you just cannot see it because your heart is in the way. The crazy thing about this is that as humans we do the following: when things are going bad we confide in our best friends. We tell our friends what we really think about our significant others, especially when we are frustrated. During this time our real feelings come out and the friend hears it all. Later, when things get really bad the friend regurgitates everything you said about him and you don’t hear them. You pass it off and say, “You don’t really know him.” Well guess what? All she did was tell you exactly what you said about him in one of your moments of clarity, a moment when your heart wasn’t in the way and although it came from her mouth this time it’s actually you, telling yourself that he’s no good. So the next time this happens, please listen to yourself and save your heart from the break it’s sure to suffer unless you get it out out of the way and let your brain take over.
2) Failing to make sure his actions match his words:
Women overlook the obvious and many times you only hear what you want to hear. He tells you he loves you, but you really need to know is he really in love with you. There is a very big difference in the two. He may love his dog, his brand new car or the upscale apartment he just leased. However, he’s sleeping with none of these things and if he’s showing them more attention than he is you his “I love you” is just that. The problem is he really isn’t “in Love with you” which is what is really needed to make a serious relationship last.
Lets look at it this way, if he tells you he loves you but rarely makes time for you opting rather to spend times with his friends then his I love you statement should have been “I like you” because that’s pretty much what it means.
If he doesn’t open doors for you, carry things for you, fix things for you, consistently make sure you’re satisfied both in and out of bed, chances are he’s really not in love with you even though he says that he loves you. If you are not his first priority then he is not in love with you. However that doesn’t mean you cannot get there, it just means that there is a chance that when he does reach this point, you may no longer be in love with him. Life is funny this way, we generally discover we are in love with someone when it’s too late. Love is consistency, it’s not whenever we choose, it always or not at all.
3) Dating men that they think they can change:
You know that guy that you are attracted to, the one who has no job, lives with his parents and been to jail several times? Yeah him! Or the other one who has kids by a couple of women but claims none of them and makes a part time living by being a street pharmacist (drug dealer), him too. Also, the guy who has been known for slapping his former girlfriends around to keep them in line from time to time. This guy too. Lastly the dreamy guy who you and your girfriends think has the cute ass and you all know he has countless girlfriends in the city.
These are just a few of the men that you cannot change! Let me say that again in case you missed it or only heard what you wanted to read in that sentence. You cannot change these guys! So to save yourself a heartbreak, do not waste your time or you will probably end up like the women they dated before you frustrated, angry, hurt and miserable.
When these men chose to change on their own then you could end up with a nice man. However, it’s really up to them, there is nothing you personally can do to repair their flaws. Your beauty, sexuality, intelligence and kindness mean nothing to them because generally at this point in their lives they consume everything in their path (and this includes you if you allow it) until the day they wake up and looking back at the wake they left behind seek to change on their own.
If you attempt such a mission to change such a person, I hope you remember this: Many women before you have attempted this such task and in the end they’ve been left as single mothers, financial and emotional bankruptcy, and some even have been given prison sentences. Not to mention the ones whom have been physically and mentally damaged all for the sake of trying to change a man whom did not want to change.
Find a man who has his own self together, a man who respects himself will find it much easier to respect someone as loving as you.
4) Unable to recognize the differences between sex and love:
Women have the same needs, wants and desires as men. Unfortunately men are able to separate sex and love in their minds. For men sex at times is simply a release an enjoyable one at that and to be honest at times it doesn’t matter if it’s you or your girlfriend that assists in him obtaining that release.
A man going into the situation has already calculated out that approximately 45 seconds after ejaculation he will either regret his decision or embrace it. To determine if you are a decision he regretted you will know if he cuddles with you after the act. If he gets up, cleans or doesn’t clean himself as he makes his way toward the door then it was simply a release and you got an assist for the night. Hopefully you received an orgasm too for your troubles.
Having sex with a man will not make him love you, and women have been falling for this trick for centuries. He loves with his head first (the one on his shoulders) and his heart second. If he see an opportunity to have sex with you because you have made it known that you really like him, he may take the opportunity to achieve a release but in the end that’s all it is. What most women fail to understand is that when you make yourself readily available to the whims of a man you fancy he cannot respect you because his real fear is that he is not the first or the last that you’ve slept with simply because you thought you liked the way he looked or carried himself.
To end this let me say this, men look upon women who use sex to achieve love as nothing more than another pretty face on a piece of p—y! Sorry for that vivid description, but men talk in case you didn’t know.
So whatever you do, always remember sex and love are totally separate emotions. Just because you allowed him the opportunity to take a roll in the hay, does not constitute that he’s going to fall in love with you. It’s simply a chance you took and one that more than likely you’ll lose.
5) Refusal to change your selection process:
I was once told that the definition of insanity is when you repeat the same mistake over and over again and expect a different result. Some women do this consistently in their selection of men. They are attracted to certain characteristics and they seek this in the men they chose. That’s OK, if it works but what about when it doesn’t? How many of these same men are you going to chose before you see that it’s insane to stay on that same path?
I have a friend like this. I’ve known her for over ten years and in that time period she’s had five boyfriends and I met every single one of them. Finally, I asked her didn’t she realise that all of them were the same. The only change was their names, hair colors, eyes, and physical characteristics. Their mentality on the other hand was simply the same, hell they actually could have been carbon copies of one another. They all acted and did the exact same things to her before ultimately leaving her for someone else.
She was so caught up in them that she hadn’t even noticed. After her last break-up I went to see her and she was distraught as she had been before. I took her to dinner and pretended I was listening to her as she went on about how she couldn’t believe the relationship was over. I’d heard this from her before and I had pretty much memorized it by heart.
After a few weeks when she was getting over the break-up I took her to dinner again and this time I took over the conversation and I pointed out the obvious to me and everyone else that knew her. These men were all the same, it was as if she’d cloned them. I left that dinner that night with a promise from her that if she decided to date again she’d look for someone entirely different as a suitable mate.
Approximately nine months later she called me and asked me out to dinner, since I had been out of the county for awhile it was great to hear her voice and the opportunity to see an old friend was exciting. I arrived at the restaurant and was directed by the host to the table where she was waiting for me. We exchanged pleasantries and I noticed that instead of two dinner setting there were three. Of course I asked and she broke out in the biggest grin I had seen on her in years, she was truly happy. A few minutes later a guy strolled over and sat at the table. He was as far apart from her previous selections as she could get and I don’t want to go into details here because she reads this blog. However, he was genuinely nice, respectful, professional, caring, classy and he was heads over hills in love with her.
That was three years ago, they were married a month later and today they have two beautiful children, a very nice home and she is ecstatic to this day. I’m very happy for her and very proud that she had the courage to see where her problem with men was and change it. In the end I’m sure she’ll tell you it was the easiest and hardest decision see ever made, but had she made it earlier she could have saved herself many heart breaks from men whom meant her no good.
6) Being too forgiving:
To forgive is divine. To continue forgiving when the pattern of lying, cheating, stealing and abuse does not change is insane. We all hope that our significant other will change and become the person we know that they can truly be. However, there is a point we we need to realise that they will not change and the situation for us to continue to forgive is becoming unhealthy.
Each situation is different, but we as adults need to be able to look at our mates actions and grade them honestly. If the future looks more like the past then it’s time to move on. Spending your nights laying in bed crying yourself to sleep, or being unable to eat because of the actions of someone whom professes their love for you is not worth the heartache you suffer.
Being able to forgive is noble, but you must determine exactly how much you will endure before you call it quits and move on. When you move on you can forgive him one more time for all he put you through, and then find someone who will appreciate you for the beautiful woman you are.
7) Putting him on a pedestal:
Men are just that, Men! They are not Gods all though at times they pretend to be. They are flawed individuals as all of us are and you need to recognize this and accept it. He may be the king of the hill today and life could deal him a harsh blow tomorrow and you have no clue how he will respond to it.
Many men whom have been thought to be strong have shown weakness in times of turmoil. People react in different ways to stress and the everyday frustrations of life.
Keep your man real, do not put him on a pedestal and he can never disappoint you. Never ever respect, love or cherish any man more than you respect, love or cherish yourself. The way he treats you is a direct reflection of the way you feel about and treat yourself. Show love and respect for yourself and others will do the same. Disrespect yourself and so will others.
8) Not recognizing the relationship is over:
Sometimes we hang on too long to relationships that are dying or is already dead. It amazes me when people are shocked to find out that their boyfriend or girlfriend now has a new mate. I always wonder, how could they have not known this?
When your significant other begins to change to a point where you no longer recognize them as the person you love, it’s over. When they start treating you badly and you’re not sure if they still love you anymore, it’s over. When they start putting others before you, it’s over!
When a once trustworthy man starts to tell you lies to cover times and dates, it is over! You know exactly what your relationship was like when you first began. Time will most definitely change it some. However, when these changes become very drastic in nature and you’re not sure what the hell is going on your relationship is dying right before your eyes.
Relationships run a course, some longer than others and it’s nothing wrong with terminating one. Women however at times have a hard time accepting the fact that the relationship failed. Many times you guys blame yourselves that it didn’t work, but you have to remember it takes two willing adults to to make a happy, successful relationship last.
You cannot have enough love for both of you to keep it afloat, there has to be participation on his part as well. When he changes and you don’t know what to do to bring him back to being the man you fell in love with, remember this, he wanted to change and that’s what he did. The chances of him changing back are slim to none but instead of asking him what is wrong (which he’ll call nagging) try discovering what it was that he changed for by watching him a little more careful.
To save yourself from more heartache, trying planning for your future without him. Remember you should love yourself more than you love him anyway and your happiness is paramount. He cannot make you happy, only you can. So start thinking about how bright your future is going to be, with or without him and then start planning for it.
It’s sad when two people once in love remain in a dead relationship because neither want to admit that one or both of them have changed. So, become the adult that you are supposed to be and if the relationship is dead let him know how you feel and tell him you understand and it’s OK to let go. Both of you will be happier in the end. But by denying the obvious you’re setting yourself up for serious heartache in the future.
9) Loving blindly:
Do you have one of those friends who has a boyfriend who convinces her to do all these things that you thought she’s never do? Hopefully that is not you as well. Some men are blessed with the gift of gab and they can talk you into any and everything.
The sad thing is that women do these things because they profess their love for these men blindly. They get so caught up in the men themselves that they would do anything to please him. They will do anything to be in his presence and this is not good in any manner.
I’ve seen women be talked into allowing these men to take nude photos of them, participate in deviant sexual practices, take and sell drugs and much much more. All this for a man whom could and would never love her anywhere near the amount he loves himself and she on the other hand is no more than a toy for him to amuse himself with until the next one comes along.
Young women are really susceptible to this issue. I cannot count the times in the past that I’ve had to arrest some young girl whom allowed her no good boyfriend to talk her into stealing merchandise and cash from her employer. While in college I remember girls whom and I resent this now that we called jock flies, they would do anything to hang out with basketball players, football players and most of it was degrading. All this simply because he told her those three little words which he never ever meant, “I love you”, and if you love me you’ll do this for me.
Love is not meant to be tested in this manner and any man who requests you to do anything to profess your love for him is first insecure and secondly, probably doesn’t have real love for you. he’s simply attempting to determine at what level you are in love with him and how deep you will go to be with him, leaving self respect, dignity and reasoning behind.
Don’t be blinded by your emotions, if you have to struggle with your faith, beliefs and upbringing while contemplating a request by him then he is definately not the one and it’s time to move on. Be smart and protect yourself, you’ll be glad you did.
10) Believing he will leave his current relationship for you:
It’s amazing that still today women get involved with men whom are either married or in a current relationship and they believe what these men say. Get real! If he’s not man enough to get out of his so called miserable relationship before he met you what the hell makes you think that he will do it for you?
These relationships go on everywhere for months, years even and women still do not get it. He’s not leaving anyone for you, why should he? Chances are you are already sleeping with him and he has no real motivation to terminate his marriage or relationship to someone else because now you’re hooked.
If you press him on the issue he will give you every excuse in the book about why now it’s not the right time. He’ll promise, but really he ‘s actually just buying time because he knows that you are in love with him and over the next few days you’ll forget about it and things will go back to normal, him using you for sex and or cash.
You cannot win in this arrangement, everything is stacked against you and the prize you seek is really not a prize it’s a life of B.S. If for any reason he did leave her after being with you how in the world could you actually trust him, ever! If he is doing this to his current spouse/girlfriend what the hell makes you think you will not be a victim too?
This is not new, it’s been going on forever and it’s no different than being a friend with benifits. He of course is the one who’s benifiting. You on the other hand are the sucker of the year. People talk about you behind your back, other men don’t respect you because they view it as you’re the woman/girl who will sleep with anyone. Why? Because you don’t have enough respect for yourself to find a man of your own, you needed someone elses.
In the end you feel like a idiot, especially after he comes to your place, has sex with you (not love because it’s not really there) and then leaves to go home to his wife or real girlfriend. You on the other hand are left alone with nothing but your conscience an empty apartment and an assortment of new lies that he has spun to keep you hopeful.
Men whom cheat on their wives and girlfriends will cheat on you too! Remember that, so even if you just so happen to have a man whom finally leaves his wife or girlfriend for you, can you really trust him?
Hopefully these ten items will help some of you and if none of these apply to you then do me a favor and send this to a girlfriend who may need it to assist her. Hopefully between us we can educate someone and keep them from getting their heart broken. Thank you.