Why you should avoid the “Friends with benefits” trap

The newest phase of men taking total advantage of women is called, “Friends with Benefits.” Sounds excellent on the surface but underneath it’s just another simple scam for getting what he wants without ever having to commit.

It’s one thing to go into this type of arrangement with a person you’ve never been in a romantic relationship with, it’s totally different when you accept these terms after breaking up with your ex.

If you’re a Medical student and you simply do not have the time for a relationship because of study and whatever, I can see this happening. Let’s face it, sometimes our studies, jobs and other environmental issues demand so much on our times it’s impossible to sustain a serious relationship. Not only is it almost impossible, it’s sometimes not fair to the person you might want to be in a relationship with. Hell, none of us want to be second to a job or studies. We all want to be first in the lives of the people we love and care for.

Under these circumstances I could understand having a friend with benefits. All women have needs, wants and desires and sometimes you have to go to drastic measure to insure these items are met. So if that means having a male that is a friend that takes care of your physical needs on occasion I truly understand. However, If I may impress upon you the importance of setting the boundaries of such a relationship from the beginning. Make sure you are completely honest with the person and remember that over time you will have to realign his expectations. Men, just as women do sometimes agree to certain terms and then over time their feelings and emotions take over and they expect you to understand and feel the same way. It happens.

Now, for those of you who have been made this offer from the guy you just broke up with. I’ve heard from several of you and I’m a little bit disappointed in the thought that some of you have actually entertained this idea. Please, let’s break it down to what your ex is really telling you and I think you’ll understand why this is loaded for his benefits and his alone and you my beautiful woman could be voted “Sucker of the Year” by men’s magazines.

You were in a relationship with a guy I’ll assume you were in love with, right. For whatever reason the relationship didn’t work out and I’m almost positive it was his idea to break up anyway. Otherwise he wouldn’t have the gonads to even suggest something as utterly disrespectful as this.

Think about it, he probably holds all the cards. He knew that you liked him a hell of a lot more that he cared for you. So he thinks he’s doing you a favor by saying, “Hey, why don’t we just be friends with benefits?” In your mind you probably were thinking, it’ll keep you close to him and possibly he’ll change his mind and you two will be a pair again. Right? Wrong! If you agree to participate in this charade, what you just became was his designated piece of ass! On nights when he’s out with his friends trying to pick up other women to sleep with, in the event he strikes out you just gave him the right to call you to come and take care of his needs. Also, what you don’t know is, secretly you’re the butt of jokes to him and all of his friends. Are you OK with this revelation?

Lets examine this without any emotion and a whole lot of logic. This is a man that felt that you weren’t worthy enough to be his girlfriend, fiancee or future wife. However, he thinks that you are great in bed so he’ll allow you to share his bed with him on occasion. What’s wrong with this picture? You’re not good enough to be in a serious relationship but you can be his concubine.

We all know that (and most aren’t happy about it) that men can sleep with multiple women and be considered a stud, player, the man, a chick magnet and more. He’s applauded by his peers and for whatever reason considered a catch by uninformed women. However, on the other hand if you’re in a “friends with benefits” relationship (and I say that lightly because there is no friend actually in it) how many men do you think will be attempting to take you out? Real men I mean, not other dogs as the guy you let talk you into this ridiculous deal? Probably none, and this is why, because the one thing I’ve learned over the years is that most men whom could talk a woman into this kind of arrangement like to Bragg about their conquests. So chances are that all his friends and all their friends and probably girlfriends know that you agreed to something as simple minded and stupid as this.  If you’re on a College Campus, everyone now knows about it. However after initially breaking up with him, or he you, had you simply went on your way and cut off ties to him within weeks men whom had been waiting for you to be single again would have been knocking down your door. Instead you’re the butt of jokes to everyone around.

So now, what do you think about that “Friends with Benefits offer?” Just like everything else, it’s not new, it was just renamed. It used to be called, “F*** Buddies” and that wasn’t a good arraangement for women either, but they fell for it time and time again. The funny thing though is whereas men can generally seperate love and sex, women have a hard time to seperating the two and hearin lies the problem. It’s just sex to him. After a few sessions it generally becomes love to you and that’s a very big problem, because he now controls your heart and emotions and when he doesn’t return that love you’ll be hurt.

One other thing before I go, any man that can talk you into such a ridiculous arrangement feels that he can talk you into anything and he may be right. Next it may be let’s make an adult video (I promise to erase it and no one will ever see it.), or let me take pictures of you nude. Then finally, he may drop the big one on you and ask if you’ll sleep with his roommate. Why not, he’s already shown you that he has no respect for you and by agreeing you have no respect for yourself. What do you think? Possible? I hope not.

So ladies, the next time some idiot offers you that friends with benefits package, not only should you decline but tell him to kiss your a** goodbye. Then seek out a real man and put that loser in the rear view mirror of your life. You’ll be happy you did.


12 comments on “Why you should avoid the “Friends with benefits” trap

  1. Maybe I’m reading this wrong, but it sounds to me like you’ve had a single poorly-off relationship like this and thrown the proverbial baby out with the bathwater on the whole shebang.

    I’ve been there, as a guy, where the both of us decided we wanted to go out and chase other people, have a good time, and that we were too young to constrain ourselves to monogamous committment. But we still wanted to spend time together, we wanted the intimacy of the benefits and the comfort and fun of the friends. And we agreed that calling it an open relationship was out – anyone else we picked up would feel threatened by the other member.

    We both came to the decision together, and had a fantastic time. I didn’t bring it up, suggest it, or push for it. I didn’t want to end up in a situation where I was taking advantage of her attachment to me.

    She got to go out and chase boys, guilt-free, and have her share of fun, in exchange, I got the same. My friends envied the arrangement, but she was far from a joke to them. They knew her as my best friend, and that I would lose them far before I’d put up with them maligning her.

    We’re still together. She found herself wanting a “real” relationship again, so we got back together formally. And we’re both loving it. (Ok, she’s off travelling, so I’m a little less than thrilled, but otherwise…)

    It’s easy to see that there are emotionaly abusive “friends with benefits” and “open” relationships – but there are just as many equally abusive normal relationships. Don’t condemn the unconventional just because it’s not a traditional monogamous relationship – I know more people who’re happy in an open relationship of some sort than are happy in a conventional one.

    • may i just say im a woman, im fed up ov men using me all the time, they dont realise it hurts but on the other hand the a**es made me more aware ov when a bloke is going to use me. ive told a few to get a prostitue as im not some who will open my legs all the time. im growing up not growing down, men do me a favor get a prozzie if you want a bit ov sex

      • You can’t blame all men for your bad choices if you end up consistently chosing men who use you well I think it’s time for some self reflection there must be something about you which is drawing your self to these men.

        Friends with benefits can be a sexually self gratifying mutually beneficial relationship for some people but thats not the case for everyone.

  2. I think it’s funny that a man would be the one who comments that FWB is all groovy. Not to be sexist, but it’s usually NOT the guy who gets hurt in these situations. Just the chemicals that men and women experience during sex cause women to feel more emotionally close to a guy.

    It’s a very, very, very hard line to walk, to have sex for the sake of getting laid and not put yourself in a situation where one or the other gets hurt, jealous or develops feelings.

    I think you have once again written a terrific post!

  3. Huh. I’m male, and *none* of the several FWB arrangements I’ve had with women were initiated by me. As far as I’m aware, only once did anyone get hurt in any of those situations … and the person hurt was me. (And FWIW, it was my own damn fault.)

    On the other hand, none of those arrangements were with ex’s. That’s not something I’d ever suggest, and the one time it was offered to me, I turned her down.

    Each of the FWB relationships I’ve had were with people who were always “just” friends, and we remained friends even after the bennies ended. Maybe that’s unusual, maybe I’ve been lucky, I don’t know. I think mostly it’s that — as fun as the sex was — we kept the emphasis on the “friends” part and not the “bennies”.

  4. Was married for 13 years and suddenly found myself getting divorced. Male acquaintance of mine was in the same situation after 24 years of marraige. Both of our spouses had been having an affair. Started talking and both thought a FWB arrangement might be ok. Sounded great because we were both in no hurry to get involved in a serious relationship. Started out fun and sex was ok. After a short while the sex seemed to be getting really good. Reason for that we both new was that emotion started to sneak in for both of us. Although this was not what either one of us had bargained for, we had definitely crossed over into romance. Think he feel first and I followed, but feel harder. This was a big FWB deal breaker. He started to realize exactly where things were heading and put the brakes on. Unfortunately, my brakes were failing and I didn’t think to reach for the emergency. Can honestly say that if he hadn’t stopped, this wreck could have been much worse. With me suffering the most injuries. This man could have also easily used me, I had become very vulnerable to our situation. Very thankful he didn’t. We are both still trying to put our lives together after our divorces, so a relationship needs to be avoided.

    Don’t know how those of you that can make the FWB arrangement work do it, but we both sucked at it. Taking a little longer for me to heal or callus over emtionally I believe than it did for him. Not at all upset or angry with him. Honestly, got to know him better and found him to be a wonderful man. The tricky part now is to try and go back to just being friends. Neither one of us resents the other, actually it is quite the opposite. Problem for me is, I don’t trust myself around him at all right now. No offense men, and don’t mean to brag, but I don’t think he will say no to me. Been referred to as the little blonde MILF by quite a few guys, not to mention really young ones too. It’s just to bad that I seem to posses a very strong monogamy gene.

    Anyhow, good luck to those of you who want to try it out. Buyers beware! Thought I could handle it too.

  5. Hi- I love your articles, I think they give great advice to ladies on how to avoid the bad guys and find a nice one. I had to go through TONS of lying, cheating, abusive, users and manipulative men before I wised up and realized my worth and I finally found a good man. Now I feel it’s my calling to, like you, impart information to women as to how they can avoid the pain and nonsense and find a good man. I am currently compiling a book on the subject, and I would like to include a good male voice, such as yours. I didn’t know how else to contact you, but I was wondering if you would grant me permission to use some of your articles on my website and/or in my book. If you’d like to participate, you will get full author credit and I will link back to your blog, plus any other info about yourself you’d like to include. I will also send you a copy of the finished manuscript for your approval before offering it to the public. Please contact me at newbook@savvychicknews.com if you would be so kind as to contribute. Thank You!

  6. I want a smart, fun, funny, creative, artistic guy who likes to have a lot of sex. Is this what everyone wants? How to be the kind of woman that that type of guy wants?

  7. FWB… Perhaps your not ready to commit, but there is commitment.

    I had a wonderful FWB about 5 years ago, and purposely tested the “F” part and lost him. Since then, I’ve had two relationships that have gone bad. He, on the other hand, is getting married very soon to a wonderful woman (I know her, but she doesn’t know about me). I am very happy for him, but I am still alone.

    My advice is to really think about the FWB relationship you’re having and whether you really do want it to be long term.

  8. I am a young woman looking for love and all I keep finding are men that want this type of relationship.

    Are there any old fashioned romantic traditional men out there? Or have we allowed them to make all new rules?

    FWB may work for some but from personal experience it hasn’t worked out well.

  9. Women who bring up the FWB relationship (well, it’s not really a “relationship”, it’s just a booty call) might (MIGHT) be trying to be all cool and “liberated.” In reality, they’re just shooting themselves in the foot, for the reasons you stated.
    Also, I find it morbidly entertaining that people think that by having women drop all their values makes them “liberated.” Wow, now we can have pointless relationships with men who have no intention of ever marrying us or even committing beyond moving in!
    Sometimes I just want to say, “Gee, thanks bra-burners. You’ve truly done us a great service by making your sons incredibly rude and boorish, and teaching your daughters to be unpaid hookers with no respect for themselves. Obviously women losing control over men and being taught that they *have* to act slutty is what you meant by ‘equality.'”

    Men who bring FWB up–well, I agree with your definition, once again. I don’t really care if it’s convenient for them or not. I’ve had that kind of thing suggested to me a few times, and here’s what I always said:
    “There are millions of women who lack enough respect for themselves that they’ll readily want to be your little toy for a while. I suggest you go find one of them, because you just proved that you’re not even remotely good enough for me.”

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