Before I start this post, I’d like to apologize. I originally stated that I would be posting topics weekly and because of circumstance outside of my control this hasn’t happened. Please forgive me. Please? I’ll try to do better in the future.
Now, who wants to learn how to interview/interrogate their man without his knowledge? That’s what I thought, all of you. Before we begin, let me instruct all newcomers to this blog to first read the post, “How to tell when your man is lying.” Learning these techniques first will better assist you in the following lesson.
How many of you watch police shows? I like “The Closer”, starring Kyra Sedgwick. Although it’s TV, I really like the way she conducts her interviews of suspects. She has a canny way of instantly flipping from a simple interview to a nasty interrogation. It’s TV, but it’s a good indicator of how the process really works with good old fashioned practice.
For those of you whom are possibly scratching your heads asking yourself, “What the hell is an Interview or an interrogation?” Let’s me define the two for you.
Interview: a formal meeting in which one or more persons question, consult, or evaluate another person.
Interrogation:to question formally and systematically.
Make sense? Maybe this will help. When you’re interviewing your mate it’s basically asking him questions. It’s more like a fact finding mission. During the interview process, what you’re really attempting to do is to lock him into a specific story (or better yet a lie). After locking him into this story, you’ll flip to the interrogation aspect of the process where you’ll be attempting to tear the story apart in order to get to the truth which is what your really after.
Want to know if he’s cheating on you? Here’s the best way to find out. This may all sound complicated, but in reality it’s really not. Your boyfriend is not a hardened criminal (at least I hope not) or a cold blooded murderer. He’s a simple man who probably did something wrong and his feelings of guilt are probably killing him anyway. All you’re going to do is help him feel better, about himself, you, and your relationship. At least that’s the story we’re going to tell him and we’re sticking to it.
If you read the post on “How to tell when your man is lying”, then by now you’ve been practicing the techniques and you know all of the signals he displays when he’s not being truthful. If you followed the instructions you’ve been keeping a journal or notes on when he’s been dishonest. (I know some of you have because I received numerous e-mails on this subject.) If this is the case or if you’re just sick and tired of the deception and you want to get to the truth, today is that day.
Setting: you want this meeting (interview) to be in a non-threatening environment. Select a room that you can sit directly across from him while you two talk. Make sure that you sit if possible facing the doorway or exit. You don’t want him to think that he’s trapped, so place him closest to the door so mentally he knows he’s free to leave at anytime. If you sit between him and the exit, it can create a difficult situation if you trap him in a huge lie and he gets uncomfortable. During these times people go through several different emotions, one being Fight or Flight. This means that he may feel trapped and to get out of the situation he may have to fight his way out because of your positioning to the exit. If he’s closer to the doorway, then he may simply get up and run out which is called flight.
To set up this session there are a couple of things you need to do first. The first being you need to have a goal. What do you want to accomplish with this interview? Do you want know exactly what he did on a certain day or time? Do you want to know if he’s cheating on you? How about with whom? Before you begin you should ask yourself, “Do you really want to know this information?” I say this because once it comes out of his mouth, there’s no taking it back and the results can be devastating.
You also need to insure you two have some privacy and make sure the mood is non threatening. You need to be calm and relaxed and remain that way throughout the session. Regardless of how angry he gets, rises his voice, pounds his fist on the table or throws something across the room. You must remain calm. Do not cry, or weep or raise your voice in any manner. If you do, you lose. This time is about him, don’t direct the attention to you and allow him off the hook by letting your emotions get in the way.
Now, lets get started on the actual interview. Whatever you do, do not ask if you two can have a talk. If you do, men shut down immediately. Why? Because whenever women ask to have a talk with us it’s generally because we screwed up somewhere. We automatically go on the defensive.
Just like we discussed in the “How to tell if your man is lying” simply start off by asking general questions. Simply gage his answers so you can get down his truthful answer pattern. Ask questions you already know the answer to and keep it light.
Then once you get him engaged in the conversation, ask him to tell you about himself and the relationship you two are in from his point of view. Don’t interrupt him and listen to everything he says. If you have further questions about something he said, wait until he’s finished and then ask the question. Now is a good time to ask about your future together. Ask him where does he see it going? Keep him engaged in the conversation, that’s important. (Pay strict attention to his eyes and body language, it could possibly tell you something.)
Do not let him ask you anything. When he asks something or attempts to redirect the question to you. Simply tell him that you’ll answer his question in a moment, but first you would like to hear his views of the relationship.
Remember, all this time you’re watching his body language for deception. Pay close attention and you’ll see when he starts to feel uncomfortable and listen to his voice pattern, make note of it if it changes.
When he’s done and you’re satisfied, its your turn. You should start by telling him who you are as a person. Explain to him that you work if you do, you look after him and any kids if you have them. He knows all this information but it’s to keep him engaged in the conversation. (Remain calm, settle your nerves) Explain to him that you watch over the relationship to ensure it’s beneficial to both of you. Remind him that you watch everything that goes on in the relationship, both good and bad. Then drop this bomb on him, (but make sure you’re watching him closely – eyes and body language) “You’ve never been unfaithful, not once!”
You just sent him a message that you know something he thought you didn’t and when he received it, his body language will probably change dramatically.
If he attempts to interrupt you, stop him. Firmly tell him that you are not finished. He may at this point jump up and start walking around or he may try to break up the conversation by raising his voice. If he says something to this effect, “Are you saying I’m cheating on you”? You’re probably on the right track. This is all done to disrupt the situation and your first hint that you were right with your gut feeling. Remain calm, do not raise your voice, do not cry, relax. If you remain calm, you’ll be in complete control of this situation and not him.
If your subject raises his voice and yells and screams it could be a sign of guilt. However, you haven’t even accused him of anything. You’re still in the interview phase. Remember this, innocent people protest loudly and they continue to protesting loudly. Guilty people protest really loud and then their protest becomes weaker and weaker as they realise that they’re caught. When you get closer to a confession, do not be alarmed if he starts to cry. It happens all the time and although you may have never envisioned your man with tears in his eyes it’s possible. Just make sure you too don’t cry, maintain your calm demeanor.
Now lets switch gears, we’re going from interview to interrogation and he’s too far in to know the difference. In interrogation we ask pointed questions but never a question to evoke a yes or no answer, because we really want to know if the response is truthful or not. So here we’re not going to ask if he’s cheated on you, we’re going to ask it this way. “How many times have you cheated on me?” Or “When was the first time you cheated on me”? With this question, you’ve just sent him another bombshell, because you’ve just now told him that you know he has.
At this point he’s confused and dazed because you didn’t give him any notice about where this conversation was going and he couldn’t prepare his answers. He’s now feeling like he’s walking a plank and he’s coming to the end. He’s going to raise his voice, may threaten to leave you because he’s tired of all this suspicion and, how you don’t trust him. You, remain calm. He’s doing this because his heart is pounding and his mind is racing as he tries to figure a way out of this situation. Remain calm. If he does chose to get up and end the session, this is what you tell him. “Don’t you even want to know how I know about this?” Remain calm, don’t get up from your seat and he’ll stay. Why, because now he’s curious, he needs to know the answer. However when he sits back down, you’re still not going to tell him what he seeks because you still have work to do. You now know you were right on the money, all you need now is a confession from him to conclude the session.
To get the confession you seek, you’ll need to make him feel better and to do this we need to make it sound like it’s not his fault. This is called transferral of blame. (Everyone thinks that when they screw up it’s because of someone else, it’s not their fault.) To do this you need to explain to him (calmly) that all you are seeking to do is put it all out on the table so that you and he can move forward in the relationship. In order for this to happen it is imperative for him to come clean, to get it off his chest. Tell him he’ll feel better by doing this because you know that the burden he’s been carrying around is hurting him both physically and emotionally. Tell him you want to save the relationship and you’re there to help him and support him through this, and hopefully make the bond between you two stronger.
Now is a good time to tell him a story that will help him through this and make it easier for him to come clean. It goes a little something like this: (modify it in any manner that best fits your circumstances) Keep calm in your delivery. You say, “Let me tell you a little story” and then you begin. Example:“Recently, I was having lunch with two friends and the subject of cheating came up. One of my friends said that her husband cheated on her before they got married. I couldn’t believe it, I know her husband and he is a very nice man. She said that she found out through a friend and she sat down and talked to him about it. My first reaction was that I would have left him and moved on. However, she said that today, in our society that this was the easy way out and that if you really love someone you should at least give them a chance to explain why the situation occurred and do all you can to repair it so it never happens again. She also explained that when men cheat, it really has nothing to do with how much they love us as much as it has to do with something we are failing to do for them in our relationship. So in reality it is our fault as women that these situations occur. Her husband and her talked about the situation and they together chose to work through it and now they have been happily married for five years with no repeat occurrences.
“Now while we were having this conversation, my other frend started to cry. This alarmed me at first because I didn’t know why. When we asked her, she said that her former boyfriend had cheated on her and through the advice of her family and friends she had left him. She stated that she really loved him and still does to ths day, but because she told so many of her family and friends about the situation she’d have felt like a fool to stay in the relationship. She said she was crying because had she known that all she had to do was talk to him about it, get the truth on the table, he and her could have worked it out. They would still be together today because she knew he loved her regardless of what he had done. Instead, she left him and the next boyfriend she had verbally and physically abused her for over a year before she had the guts to leave him.
Tell him that when the talk was through you thought about both stories long and hard and that you realised that you would much rather be like the first friend and work your way through it with the man you love. So regardless of what he’s done, you understand. However, the first step is for him to come clean because anything he did was partly if not your fault too.
Next tell him basically that it’s not his fault. Tell him you weren’t attentive enough to his needs. You were distracted, with the kids and work and that you’re sorry and if you two can get this all out in the open you’ll be the best girlfriend/wife any man could ever ask for and he’ll never have to seek elsewhere for comfort.
Then you tell him,” Just tell me the truth, we’ll be OK?” (The funny thing is that women have used this technique for years. They promise men that if they tell them the truth it’ll be fine, it’s OK. Men fall for this year after year and I have yet to figure out why.) By now he should be on the edge and as long as you are calm you’ll still be in control. He’ll probably still question you about how you found out, but don’t answer him until he confesses to you.
If he’s still on the fence, by now he’s quiet and has a look of defeat on his face. Keep telling him over and over to just tell you the truth so you two can work through it. Tell him how much he means to you and how it’s important to get it out so he can feel better about himself, you and the relationship.
If he’s still quiet, basically he thinking of the consequences of just telling you everything. Be patient and you too remain quiet. Keep you emotions in check and whenever he looks at you, look him straight in the eyes, and tell him “It’s OK.” “Just put it on the table so we can put it behind us and move on.”
When he’s ready to tell you everything you wanted to know, you need to be prepared. Why? Because he’s only going to tell you a fraction of the truth. However, this is a good thing because now you know it happened just as you suspected and although he doesn’t know it you’re not done with him.
You need to listen very carefully to what he tells you. Keep you emotions in check and I know this is going to be hard but it’s a must if you want to succeed and get everything out in the open.
Take the information he gave you and based on any prior knowledge you had, start to pick the story apart. Now that he’s confessed to part of it, you can ask more pointed questions based on what you suspected to begin with. Example: Who was the girl? How many times were you with her? Where did you meet her? Did you tell her about us? How many other girls were there? Ask anything you want right now because here’s your chance. However, and I cannot stress this enough, remain calm. If you cry he knows he really hurt you and in a last ditch effort not to hurt you further he may stop, leaving you with many more unanswered questions.
Upon extracting as much information as possible, conclude the session. You should tell him that everything will be alright, and thank him for his honesty. By now you probably need some time alone to process all the information and to let your emotions out. Explain to him that you need a little privacy to think, then go somewhere alone and figure out what your next move will be.
If he told you what you already knew, it still hurts because until he told you it wasn’t true. It was just suspicion. Now, that it’s in the open it takes on a life of it’s own. You’ll be hurt, angry, sick to your stomach and frustrated. However, now you know the truth, no more guessing. Will you feel better? One day, time heals everything.
I asked this question earlier, “Do you really want to know?” Because once it comes out of his mouth, there is no taking it back. So before you attempt this exercise, I want to ask all of you that are interested one last time, “Do you really want to know if he’s cheating on you?”