One of the biggest problems with relationships is it takes time to determine if it’s real or not. Your view on the relationship may not necessarily be the same view as the man you’re gong out with. You may be in love and for him it may be a simple case of lust or a opportunity to take advantage of you.
In several of my posts I’ve made mention that you should never give your heart to anyone whom has not earned it. I stand behind those words. If you are not careful you could find yourself giving away much more than just your heart to the wrong guy.
We all know that the heart can be broken and over time it will heal. However, women have been known to allow the wrong men to put them into bankruptsy or worse positions. This type of situation can take a longer time to heal and can cause headaches for years to come. Long after you rid yourself of his sorry ass, you’ll still have to deal with his aftermath. So why don’t we take a close look at “How to know if he’s just using you”, hopefully this will keep some of you safe at least from men who just want to take advantage of you financially.
To begin with all relationships should be 50/50. That to me says that whatever you do for him, he should not only be willing, but capable of doing the same for you. That covers everything from bringing you lunch at work if you cannot leave your desk because you’re so busy. Women do this for men all the time and think nothing of diving across town to take your man something to eat. However, how many of you ladies have a man that does that for you? Not just in the beginning of the relationship when he was trying to impress you with kindness, but now ten months later?
This is how it all works in case you didn’t know. He starts the relationship off in a big way. He tends to your every need and he spends a few dollars on you. You love the attention and when you get flowers you’re hooked. A few weeks later he’s having a cash flow problem and you tell him it’s ok, I’ll pay for dinner tonight. A few weeks turns into a few months and you’re still footing the bill on pretty much everything. If he’s living with you, you’re probably on the hook for it all. It’s your apartment, your food, your car and he’s utilizing everything and paying for nothing.
You already know he’s using you, but he’s home when you get there and he treats you nice and tells you he love’s you frequently. Several times you’ve wanted to say something about this arrangement but as soon as you begin you feel bad because as you tell your friends and family, “He’s trying to get a job.” However secretly you know he’s not, because when you get home he’s still sitting in the same place on the couch playing the Xbox you brought him for his birthday. Many days you come home and his friends are there too. They’ve raided your freezer and there are beer bottles everywhere. You come home from a long day at work and the first thing he says is, “Whats for dinner?”
Things really get bad when after awhile he tells you that he would like to use your car while you’re at work so he can look for a job. This excites you and you start to think things may work out after all. However, this feeling is short lived when he’s late everyday to pick you up when you get off. Each day he comes to pick you up later and later. Hell, one day he may forget to pick you up at all.
And then there is the boyfriend who doesn’t live with you. He constantly tells you that he doesn’t have any money but his cell phone is always on. However, if it does get turned off, he conveniently shows up at your house and after a marathon love making session he talks you into paying to have it turned back on. He explain it to you by saying that’s why he couldn’t call you and he really needs it so he can hear your sexy voice everyday. He’s the same guy whom only shows up when he wants something, mostly cash but you cannot see it because he only asks after sex. When he doesn’t need anything you may or may not hear from him, that is unless you call him. However, this type of guy always makes plans to spend time with you and for whatever reason he calls to tell you he cannot make it, or that he fell asleep or some other lame excuse.
Not only can you be used for financial gain but men will attempt to use you for sex as well. This is the so called boyfriend whom stops by once a week or so with a million and one excuses about why he hasn’t been by or called you. After telling you another lie, his charm and smile disarm you and sweet talk you into bed yet once again. Once he’s done because he damn sure doesn’t care if it’s satisfying for you, he’ll tell you another good lie, promising to call you when he gets home (which he won’t) or he’ll come take you some where tomorrow (another good lie). Hey, but what does he care? He got what he came for and he knows that you’ll be angry for a few days when he doesn’t show up or call you. But you’ll be happy when he pops up again and forget why you were mad in the first place. He’ll continue to make you feel good with his great story telling, talk you into bed again and be off to who knows where. When you really get mad at him he’ll concede and maybe take you to a movie or McDonald’s. Then it’s back to your place to hit the sack and then he’s gone again. This pattern will continue until you put a stop to it by replacing him in his absence. When this happens he’ll profess his love to you and if you fall for yet another lie, he’ll be good and show up for several days and then you’re back to square one. He’ll never change, he’s just in it for the sex.
Regardless of the way they operate if you do two things you can shield yourself from these and many more types of usage. First and foremost, put your heart in a safe place and start every relationship with your mind wide open. Critique everything, pay for nothing. Only spend money on him when it’s your time to pay. For example, last week you went to the movie together, and he paid. This week you planned to go again and this time you make a point of paying. Override any objections he may have, the key to being able to determine if your relationship is 50/50 is to ensure you have some way by which to measure it. Some of you though, may have a man whom insists on paying for everything. This is a practice you may want to stop. I know it’s nice to have a man that spends freely on you and you should thank him for that, however, with the first real disagreement the two of you have it may come back to haunt you. People are great at offering to pay for things, but when things aren’t going great it becomes, “I brought you this and that and what have you done for me?” Don’t get into that trick bag, please.
The second thing you can do is to never discuss your income with anyone, especially not someone whom is trying to get to know you. Trust me, men talk about these things. We all want a girl who’s bringing down top dollar and loves us to a point where it’s basically a fault. Men whom are trying to use you will be the sweetest and most perfect man you’ve ever met. However, they, just like women have known to do, will utilize sex and your emotions to milk you for everything possible. So beware of the guy who after having sex with you wants to go shopping, it happens.
When I was a real dog, I had women buy me expensive suits, shoes, airline tickets, pay my rent, one even gave me an American Express Card (with my name) she paid the bill. Was I really in love with any of these women? I cared for them in my own selfish way, but I never really loved any of them. In my own little mind at the time I felt I deserved these things because I somehow made them happy. In reality I did more harm than I could have ever imagined, and for this I’m truly regretful.
I have to move on because I’m really not too comfortable with the former me, so please bare with me. Another thing you should not do under any circumstances, let me repeat this, never do this under any circumstance! Never co-sign for a car, a loan or place your name on any legal document for any man other than your husband. Do not make any big ticket items for any man period, other than your husband. Do not open any joint checking accounts, credit card accounts or anything financial with any man other than your husband. Also, if you move in with him or he you, make sure you check your credit at a minimal, every other month. Credit agencies are notorious for trying to place someone else’s name onto your credit simply because you live together. It happens, it really does.
The most important of all of these is to never actually allow any man (once again) other than your husband to have access to your social security number. Let no man have access to you bank pin numbers or personal checks. All ways store these items in a safe and secure place because until you know if he’s actually the man intent on making you his wife, he’s still just a guest in your life. Treat him as such and you’ll be fine.
As women you are always going to be known as being caring, trusting, understanding creatures. There is nothing that says that you cannot also be safety consience. Protect yourself and make dating a good experience even when it fails, learn something from each and every man you go out with so you never make the same mistake twice.
History is filled with stories of women whom have fallen victim to men who have used them into the poor house. I’m sure some of you know first hand of stories of lies and deciet that ended in financial tragedy. Be careful and protect yourself and your assets. Always remember this, “if it seems like he’s using you, and you feel like he’s using you. You’re being used!”
Save yourself the headaches and drama and seek out adult relationships with men, not boys. Men who are capable of taking care of you on the same level you will take care of him. Don’t waste your precious time on anyone whom cannot take care of himself or refuses to take care of you. If you feel you need to have someone around you at all times and you hate being alone, get a cat or a dog for company. Dogs are great, they could teach men alot about what all women deserve, unconditional love!