Seven steps to catching your cheating man…

Catching a man cheating is not as hard as women actually think it is. Hell, catching anyone cheating is really not that hard at all.  I once worked as a investigator and we’d get infidelity cases on a weekly basis. Women would come into the office and if I wasn’t already working a case they’d be assigned to me. I’d ask these questions: 1) What makes you think he’s cheating on you? 2) Have you ever caught him? 3) Why would he want to cheat on you? 4) Have you ever cheated on him?5) How long have you felt like this or has this situation been going on. 6) What do you want to accomplish by catching him? 7) What happens if you find out he’s not cheating on you?  8) How will you be paying, cash or check?

Sometimes I’d be interviewing a woman and based off what she would tell me I already knew what the outcome was going to be. If it really bothered me I’d pretty much tell them, “Look, you already know he’s cheating on you so you really don’t need me.” “What you really need is a good Attorney” (providing they have a lot of assets).  This would happen occasionally and I discovered that most cases these women just wanted someone whom was unbiased to listen to them to insure themselves that they weren’t just paranoid.

When your significant other is out with someone else you tend to get this feeling of isolation. Who do you talk to? Can’t really talk to friends and family because most times they do one of two things. They either tell you that they’ve always known and was afraid to tell you. Which makes you feel like a fool because you were the only one that didn’t know. Or, they tell you that he was no good and you deserved better and that you should leave him and so on. Either way that helps you none what so ever because you still love the guy and what you really need is support and not advice because there is no true manual in how to deal with this issue. Hell, to make it easier on friends and family they should invent a greeting card you can send to someone who’s going through this type of situation.

The funny thing about dealing with a man that’s a cheater, is that women always know. They may try to mask it or overlook it but they always seem to know. Every woman that sat in my office already knew, and they knew well before they chose to hire me. However, the one thing they generally didn’t know was who he was cheating with. This is where things get messy. Most times they were cheating with someone that was known to both parties. That’s the hardest part, finding out that your man is sleeping with your sister (it happens), best friend, cousin, co-worker or someone from his office that you’ve met. I think this is hard because these people know that he’s in a relationship and they still chose to be with him and disrespect you at the same time. Now if the other woman is unknown to you, it still hurts but it’s not the same because she probably didn’t know you existed and if she had, she may have chose not to. She’ll probably be hurt too.

The first step in catching him is to be patient. Do not and I repeat do not jump the gun on this because it’ll tip him off that you’re on to him and he’ll either stop for awhile or all together and it’ll take you that much longer to catch him. Even though he may stop during this time you’ll still be going through mental anguish over the fact that you know but because of your haste you now have to wait even longer to solve this issue.

Before we get into the rest of the first step I need for you to ask yourself these questions: 1) Do you really want to know if he’s cheating? Do you really want to know, with who? Is this going to solve your problems? Are you strong enough mentally to deal with actually knowing he’s with someone else and that he’s a liar  and a cheat? Do you think he’s cheating because of something someone told you or something you saw, or is it just a feeling you have? (Sometimes people suspect their mate of cheating because of something they experienced in a former relationship and that’s not good. You current mate deserves better than to be compared to you ex. And if you’re comparing him to your ex, then your current man should probably leave you, because if your mind is still dwelling on your ex then your heart probably is too.  That’s not fair either, is it?  There’s more than one way to cheat and mental cheating is pretty much the same as physical cheating.

Sorry to get carried away but lets call a spade a spade, shall we? Anyway, if your quest is to free yourself from your beau by catching him cheating then you need to formulate a plan to move on without him. So my advice is to start with that the day you begin on your journey to catch him. If you wait until the day you confront him to make these plans then you’re really not going anywhere anyway. You can catch him and you can best believe that if he’s sleeping with you and a friend of yours or someone in your family he can talk his way into and out of anything, including convincing you to stay with him.

Step one: Patience, patience, patience! Keep a calender, write down every time he calls and tells you he’ll be coming home late from work. Write down every-time he tells you he has something to do and he can’t come over. Annotate every-time he is extremely late for you. On this calender (called a cheater calender by the way) write down the time, the exact time on the date. If he calls you later (providing you don’t live together) to tell you he finally got home, write that time down too. Every-time he’s supposed to meet you and doesn’t show up, or doesn’t call when he’s supposed to write these times on that calender.

People are creatures of habit. At the end of one month, take a look at your calender and some things will jump out at you. On certain days of the week, he either called you and said he was going to be busy or you couldn’t reach him. Chances are that these are the days that he’s doing something he should not be doing.  Now that you know these days you can pretty much determine when he’s messing around and at what times. Once he’s really comfortable, you’ll notice things like every Wednesday he’s telling you he has to either stay late or do something else. The reason for this is that if he has met someone else he has to work around their schedule.

Step two: Along with your calender, you also need a diary. In this diary, you are to write down every excuse he gives you when he is not coming home as planned. This diary should mirror your calender. The crazy thing about cheating is you get so caught up in it that you forget what lies you tell. As the month progresses you’ll start to see the same stories over and over again. This is why it’s crucial to be patient. Many times you’re going to want to say something about his tardiness but if you do, he’ll change tactics and you’ll have to start all over again. This information is valuable because in the end you can use it to get him to admit to you that he was cheating if you utilize it properly.

Now that we know what days and times that he’s probably cheating on you, lets concentrate on the big one, the who!

Step three: If at the end of the month you still have resisted your temptations to tell him you know he’s cheating then you can bet your ass that he thinks you have no clue. A month is important because it allows time for him to let down his guard and therefore make it easier to catch him in the act.

During this month there is also something else you need to do. Check the mileage on his vehicle on a regular basis. Drive from your home or his if he doesn’t live with you to his work  place and back. Write down the amount of miles. This is important. It’s important because if he only lives 12 miles from where you two live (six miles to work, six miles home) and then on the days that he gives you an excuse his odometer reads 72 miles, then you can rule out his story of actually working late. Also to rule out family and friends, ask yourself who lives approximately 36 miles from where you do? Hopefully no one. However, it happens.

Step four: Time to catch him if that’s what you want. If you don’t know of anyone that lives the approximate miles he’s been driving then you are going to have to put in some good ole fashion gum shoe work. First thing is you have to ditch your car ( best to rent one for the day) and since you know what time he should get off work you need to drive to his work place. Get there at least an hour early and select a parking spot where you can observe him but he cannot see you. A cheap pair of binoculars and a camera would come in handy also. Once he departs the parking area simply follow him. Don’t get too close, but don’t lose him either and above everything else do not and I cannot stress this enough, do not let your emotions control your driving. I know this is a stressful event in your life but drive normally and be safe as well as keep others around you safe.

Keep a safe distance and when you can give him a call on your cell phone just to ask him what he’s doing. He’s going to lie to you but that’s OK, by now you should expect it anyway. While talking to him let it be known that you are really tired and you are going to go home and get some rest. I tell you this because now he’s assured in his mind that you are home and therefore he’d never suspect that you’re in a vehicle two to three cars behind him. You just convinced him that he does not have to worry about bumping into you tonight while he’s out with someone else.

Ever get that phone call from your man, just out of the blue asking you what you’re doing? Sounds sweet huh? Ever wonder while three minutes in he makes an excuse to call you back, such as “Call me back on your home phone, I don’t want to run up your minutes.” Actually what he’s really trying to do is confirm that you are actually home so he can play without worrying about running into you. Sorry, I had to say that. I know this to be true because when I was a dog I did this on a regular basis.

Step six: Now that you’ve followed him undetected and he arrives at his destination you do not make contact with him. Do not drive past him so that he can see you, simply locate a place where you can park and still see the direction he walks to. After he’s been there a few minutes you exit the vehicle and try to find a vantage point from where you can maintain surveillance. If he goes into an apartment complex or a home then you should just sit tight and wait for him to exit. Hopefully you brought along something to drink and snack on while you wait. The key here is to be in a good location so you can see his vehicle, he’s not leaving without that. Now some may say, “What if he leaves in another vehicle with her.” It’s OK, I told you patients is the key and this is only day one.

If you are lucky (or unlucky) he’ll quickly come back to his car with a female in tow. You on the other hand should do nothing but utilize that camera I asked you to bring along. If he just so happens to go to a restaurant or bar. He may go in alone to meet someone because they’re driving different vehicles, however, they’ll leave at the same time so you’ll get the photo’s you want.

Step seven: Now, lets say you’ve done all the above and you’re sitting in your car and you’re furious. That’s understandable, I sympathize with you. However, what are you going to do? You can do one of several things in this instance: 1) You can charge in and confront him about his cheating ways. However, what you’ll really do is embarrass yourself in front of people whom you may meet on a different level some other time in your life. Now is that really the impression of you that you want them to have? 2) You can go and slap him or the girl he’s with. If you do this, you’ll go to jail for assault. He’s already turned your life upside down and with time you can get over him and this incident. However, that assault charge will be on your record for years to come. Be smart, OK?

If you really want to hurt him in the most profane way possible, this is what you do. You go home. If you live together, then you already have a plan to move, right? We talked about this earlier, remember? Now is the time to move. However, make the move when he’s at work, so when he comes home everything you own (that’s yours) is gone. If you don’t live together, the first thing you do is change the locks on your doors. In both instances you change your cell numbers. If you really want to pay him back for cheating on you, you do nothing but move on.

For a month you’ve been contemplating this day and now it’s here. Arguing with him about what he’s done is stupid and pointless. There is nothing he can say that will take all the hurt away, and if he really loved you, this would have never happened anyway. So don’t give the prick the satisfaction! Trust me, if you leave him without his knowledge or any explanation as to why, it will haunt him for years. He never knows that you caught him and in his mind you left him for someone else. Damn, you just bruised his ego! As a dog, he thought there was no way you’d leave him for another man because he’s the king! He’s going to come looking for you and all you have to do is what women do best, stay as cool as the other side of the pillow and tell him you moved on to someone else. Someone who loves you and treats you like the Queen you are. Also, throw it in that he’s quite jealous, so for his own safety he shouldn’t come around again.  Do not tell your girlfriends, mom, brothers, sisters or anyone that you caught him cheating. If you do, eventually he’ll find out that you know and he’ll never leave you alone because he has to get his words in to try and explain why this happened. Some men feel (and I’m one of them) there are things in this life worse than death, at the top of that list is having a woman that I love (or thought I loved) leave me without an explanation. Loving someone, regardless of how warped that sounds since he just cheated on you, and then that person removes her love is devastating. In his mind, and trust me, it’ll run ramped, he’ll truly think that you’ve been planning this all along and that you were cheating on him and he’ll feel worse than you do for many months to come. As it’s been said over and over again, you never know what you had until it’s gone.

You see, if you catch your mate cheating and you confront him about it, he expects that, what he or any man for that manner will not expect is for you just to one day disappear, move out, change the locks, stop accepting his calls, etc. People react the way we expect them to react, and when you don’t react in the manner that they’ve planned for it catches them off balance and they don’t know what to do. This is what you want him to feel like, lost not knowing what to do next. He’ll be seeking dialog, if you resist this dialog it’ll run him crazy. Don’t for a minute think that just because he was cheating that he didn’t have feelings for you. Cutting him off like that is cruel and unusual punishment. You’ve just made him the victim of his own mind.

I hope this helps if catching him is what you want to do. Sometimes it’s necessary to find out for yourselves to start the closure process and move on. I tried to write this from two points of view, from a professional stand point to help you catch him and from the stand point of a former dog myself. Many times in the past I cheated on women that I truly had feelings for, I explained most of it in a previous post, but I still feel bad about it years later. Especially the one who left me and never ever talked to me again. I don’t know if she actually caught me or found someone else but I think about her from time to time and it still bothers me to this day. Go figure?



3 comments on “Seven steps to catching your cheating man…

  1. Pingback: Dating - Find your perfect match » Seven steps to catching your cheating man…

  2. I broke up with my ‘so called’ boyfriend in April 2008. I discovered he was a sociopathic liar and had had many other women during our 3 1/2 year relationship.

    Having read your seven steps, I realised that I had followed these instinctively, once I dug and dug to find out what had been going on with him.

    There was no choice for me and, despite the devastation (he’d only just asked me to marry him – why?). I would like to say that I felt no great satisfaction in executing my exit from his life in the manner you described. The pain of loving someone so much and being so deceived so badly has not lifted and I very much doubt he has or is or suffering in the way you describe. However, I live in hope but I’m not too proud of the kind of revenge I would like to inflict on him.

    You shouldn’t have to be this brave when you weren’t the person that caused the agony. Do these men realise that they ruin lives? I will certainly never trust or love again because of him. ps I’m also broke – that should protect me from the next potential ‘git’ they might happen along. Yes, he took everything – my love, trust, confidence, security and self esteeem – humiliated of England.

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