“How to get your man to tell you he cheated.”

Before I start this post, I’d like to apologize. I originally stated that I would be posting topics weekly and because of circumstance outside of my control this hasn’t happened. Please forgive me. Please? I’ll try to do better in the future.

Now, who wants to learn how to interview/interrogate their man without his knowledge? That’s what I thought, all of you. Before we begin, let me instruct all newcomers to this blog to first read the post, “How to tell when your man is lying.” Learning these techniques first will better assist you in the following lesson.

How many of you watch police shows? I like “The Closer”, starring Kyra Sedgwick. Although it’s TV, I really like the way she conducts her interviews of suspects. She has a canny way of instantly flipping from a simple interview to a nasty interrogation. It’s TV, but it’s a good indicator of how the process really works with good old fashioned practice.

For those of you whom are possibly scratching your heads asking yourself, “What the hell is an Interview or an interrogation?” Let’s me define the two for you.

Interview:  a formal meeting in which one or more persons question, consult, or evaluate another person.

Interrogation:to question formally and systematically.

Make sense? Maybe this will help. When you’re interviewing your mate it’s basically asking him questions. It’s more like a fact finding mission. During the interview process, what you’re really attempting to do is to lock him into a specific story (or better yet a lie). After locking him into this story, you’ll flip to the interrogation aspect of the process where you’ll be attempting to tear the story apart in order to get to the truth which is what your really after.

Want to know if he’s cheating on you? Here’s the best way to find out. This may all sound complicated, but in reality it’s really not. Your boyfriend is not a hardened criminal (at least I hope not) or a cold blooded murderer. He’s a simple man who probably did something wrong and his feelings of guilt are probably killing him anyway. All you’re going to do is help him feel better, about himself, you, and your relationship. At least that’s the story we’re going to tell him and we’re sticking to it.

If you read the post on “How to tell when your man is lying”, then by now you’ve been practicing the techniques and you know all of the signals he displays when he’s not being truthful. If you followed the instructions you’ve been keeping a journal or notes on when he’s been dishonest. (I know some of you have because I received numerous e-mails on this subject.) If this is the case or if you’re just sick and tired of the deception and you want to get to the truth, today is that day.

Setting: you want this meeting (interview) to be in a non-threatening environment. Select a room that you can sit directly across from him while you two talk. Make sure that you sit if possible facing the doorway or exit. You don’t want him to think that he’s trapped, so place him closest to the door so mentally he knows he’s free to leave at anytime. If you sit between him and the exit, it can create a difficult situation if you trap him in a huge lie and he gets uncomfortable. During these times people go through several different emotions, one being Fight or Flight. This means that he may feel trapped and to get out of the situation he may have to fight his way out because of your positioning to the exit. If he’s closer to the doorway, then he may simply get up and run out which is called flight.

To set up this session there are a couple of things you need to do first. The first being you need to have a goal. What do you want to accomplish with this interview? Do you want know exactly what he did on a certain day or time? Do you want to know if he’s cheating on you? How about with whom? Before you begin you should ask yourself, “Do you really want to know this information?” I say this because once it comes out of his mouth, there’s no taking it back and the results can be devastating. 

You also need to insure you two have some privacy and make sure the mood is non threatening. You need to be calm and relaxed and remain that way throughout the session. Regardless of how angry he gets, rises his voice, pounds his fist on the table or throws something across the room. You must remain calm. Do not cry, or weep or raise your voice in any manner. If you do, you lose. This time is about him, don’t direct the attention to you and allow him off the hook by letting your emotions get in the way.

Now, lets get started on the actual interview. Whatever you do, do not ask if you two can have a talk. If you do, men shut down immediately. Why? Because whenever women ask to have a talk with us it’s generally because we screwed up somewhere. We automatically go on the defensive.

Just like we discussed in the “How to tell if your man is lying” simply start off by asking general questions. Simply gage his answers so you can get down his truthful answer pattern. Ask questions you already know the answer to and keep it light.

Then once you get him engaged in the conversation, ask him to tell you about himself and the relationship you two are in from his point of view.  Don’t interrupt him and listen to everything he says. If you have further questions about something he said, wait until he’s finished and then ask the question. Now is a good time to ask about your future together. Ask him where does he see it going? Keep him engaged in the conversation, that’s important. (Pay strict attention to his eyes and body language, it could possibly tell you something.)

Do not let him ask you anything. When he asks something or attempts to redirect the question to you. Simply tell him that you’ll answer his question in a moment, but first you would like to hear his views of the relationship.

Remember, all this time you’re watching his body language for deception. Pay close attention and you’ll see when he starts to feel uncomfortable and listen to his voice pattern, make note of it if it changes.

When he’s done and you’re satisfied, its your turn. You should start by telling him who you are as a person. Explain to him that you work if you do, you look after him and any kids if you have them. He knows all this information but it’s to keep him engaged in the conversation. (Remain calm, settle your nerves) Explain to him that you watch over the relationship to ensure it’s beneficial to both of you. Remind him that you watch everything that goes on in the relationship, both good and bad. Then drop this bomb on him, (but make sure you’re watching him closely - eyes and body language) “You’ve never been unfaithful, not once!”

You just sent him a message that you know something he thought you didn’t and when he received it, his body language will probably change dramatically.

If he attempts to interrupt you, stop him. Firmly tell him that you are not finished. He may at this point jump up and start walking around or he may try to break up the conversation by raising his voice. If he says something to this effect, “Are you saying I’m cheating on you”? You’re probably on the right track.  This is all done to disrupt the situation and your first hint that you were right with your gut feeling. Remain calm, do not raise your voice, do not cry, relax. If you remain calm, you’ll be in complete control of this situation and not him.

If your subject raises his voice and yells and screams it could be a sign of guilt. However, you haven’t even accused him of anything. You’re still in the interview phase. Remember this, innocent people protest loudly and they continue to protesting loudly. Guilty people protest really loud and then their protest becomes weaker and weaker as they realise that they’re caught. When you get closer to a confession, do not be alarmed if he starts to cry. It happens all the time and although you may have never envisioned your man with tears in his eyes it’s possible. Just make sure you too don’t cry, maintain your calm demeanor.

Now lets switch gears, we’re going from interview to interrogation and he’s too far in to know the difference.  In interrogation we ask pointed questions  but never a question to evoke a yes or no answer, because we really want to know if the response is truthful or not. So here we’re not going to ask if he’s cheated on you, we’re going to ask it this way. “How many times have you cheated on me?” Or “When was the first time you cheated on me”? With this question, you’ve just sent him another bombshell, because you’ve just now told him that you know he has.

At this point he’s confused and dazed because you didn’t give him any notice about where this conversation was going and he couldn’t prepare his answers. He’s now feeling like he’s walking a plank and he’s coming to the end. He’s going to raise his voice, may threaten to leave you because he’s tired of all this suspicion and, how you don’t trust him. You, remain calm. He’s doing this because his heart is pounding and his mind is racing as he tries to figure a way out of this situation. Remain calm. If he does chose to get up and end the session, this is what you tell him. “Don’t you even want to know how I know about this?” Remain calm, don’t get up from your seat and he’ll stay. Why, because now he’s curious, he needs to know the answer. However when he sits back down, you’re still not going to tell him what he seeks because you still have work to do. You now know you were right on the money, all you need now is a confession from him to conclude the session.

To get the confession you seek, you’ll need to make him feel better and to do this we need to make it sound like it’s not his fault. This is called transferral of blame. (Everyone thinks that when they screw up it’s because of someone else, it’s not their fault.)  To do this you need to explain to him (calmly) that all you are seeking to do is put it all out on the table so that you and he can move forward in the relationship. In order for this to happen it is imperative for him to come clean, to get it off his chest. Tell him he’ll feel better by doing this because you know that the burden he’s been carrying around is hurting him both physically and emotionally. Tell him you want to save the relationship and you’re there to help him and support him through this, and hopefully make the bond between you two stronger.

Now is a good time to tell him a story that will help him through this and make it easier for him to come clean. It goes a little something like this: (modify it in any manner that best fits your circumstances) Keep calm in your delivery. You say, “Let me tell you a little story” and then you begin.  Example:“Recently, I was having lunch with two friends and the subject of cheating came up. One of my friends said that her husband cheated on her before they got married. I couldn’t believe it, I know her husband and he is a very nice man. She said that she found out through a friend and she sat down and talked to him about it. My first reaction was that I would have left him and moved on. However, she said that today, in our society that this was the easy way out and that if you really love someone you should at least give them a chance to explain why the situation occurred and do all you can to repair it so it never happens again. She also explained that when men cheat, it really has nothing to do with how much they love us as much as it has to do with something we are failing to do for them in our relationship. So in reality it is our fault as women that these situations occur. Her husband and her talked about the situation and they together chose to work through it and now they have been happily married for five years with no repeat occurrences.

“Now while we were having this conversation, my other frend started to cry. This alarmed me at first because I didn’t know why. When we asked her, she said that her former boyfriend had cheated on her and through the advice of her family and friends she had left him. She stated that she really loved him and still does to ths day, but because she told so many of her family and friends about the situation she’d have felt like a fool to stay in the relationship. She said she was crying because had she known that all she had to do was talk to him about it, get the truth on the table, he and her could have worked it out. They would still be together today because she knew he loved her regardless of what he had done. Instead, she left him and the next boyfriend she had verbally and physically abused her for over a year before she had the guts to leave him.

Tell him that when the talk was through you thought about both stories long and hard and that you realised that you would much rather be like the first friend and work your way through it with the man you love. So regardless of what he’s done, you understand. However, the first step is for him to come clean because anything he did was partly if not your fault too.  

Next tell him basically that it’s not his fault. Tell him you weren’t attentive enough to his needs. You were distracted, with the kids and work and that you’re sorry and if you two can get this all out in the open you’ll be the best girlfriend/wife any man could ever ask for and he’ll never have to seek elsewhere for comfort.

Then you tell him,” Just tell me the truth, we’ll be OK?” (The funny thing is that women have used this technique for years. They promise men that if they tell them the truth it’ll be fine, it’s OK. Men fall for this year after year and I have yet to figure out why.) By now he should be on the edge and as long as you are calm you’ll still be in control. He’ll probably still question you about how you found out, but don’t answer him until he confesses to you.

If he’s still on the fence, by now he’s quiet and has a look of defeat on his face. Keep telling him over and over to just tell you the truth so you two can work through it. Tell him how much he means to you and how it’s important to get it out so he can feel better about himself, you and the relationship.

If he’s still quiet, basically he thinking of the consequences of just telling you everything. Be patient and you too remain quiet. Keep you emotions in check and whenever he looks at you, look him straight in the eyes, and tell him “It’s OK.” ”Just put it on the table so we can put it behind us and move on.” 

When he’s ready to tell you everything you wanted to know, you need to be prepared. Why? Because he’s only going to tell you a fraction of the truth. However, this is a good thing because now you know it happened just as you suspected and although he doesn’t know it you’re not done with him.

You need to listen very carefully to what he tells you. Keep you emotions in check and I know this is going to be hard but it’s a must if you want to succeed and get everything out in the open.

Take the information he gave you and based on any prior knowledge you had, start to pick the story apart. Now that he’s confessed to part of it, you can ask more pointed questions based on what you suspected to begin with. Example: Who was the girl? How many times were you with her? Where did you meet her? Did you tell her about us? How many other girls were there? Ask anything you want right now because here’s your chance. However, and I cannot stress this enough, remain calm. If you cry he knows he really hurt you and in a last ditch effort not to hurt you further he may stop, leaving you with many more unanswered questions.

Upon extracting as much information as possible, conclude the session. You should tell him that everything will be alright, and thank him for his honesty. By now you probably need some time alone to process all the information and to let your emotions out. Explain to him that you need a little privacy to think, then go somewhere alone and figure out what your next move will be.

If he told you what you already knew, it still hurts because until he told you it wasn’t true. It was just suspicion. Now, that it’s in the open it takes on a life of it’s own. You’ll be hurt, angry, sick to your stomach and frustrated. However, now you know the truth, no more guessing. Will you feel better? One day, time heals everything.

I asked this question earlier, “Do you really want to know?” Because once it comes out of his mouth, there is no taking it back.  So before you attempt this exercise, I want to ask all of you that are interested one last time, “Do you really want to know if he’s cheating on you?”

How to keep men from using you.

One of the biggest problems with relationships is it takes time to determine if it’s real or not. Your view on the relationship may not necessarily be the same view as the man you’re gong out with. You may be in love and for him it may be a simple case of lust or a opportunity to take advantage of you.

In several of my posts I’ve made mention that you should never give your heart to anyone whom has not earned it. I stand behind those words. If you are not careful you could find yourself giving away much more than just your heart to the wrong guy.

We all know that the heart can be broken and over time it will heal. However, women have been known to allow the wrong men to put them into bankruptsy or worse positions. This type of situation can take a longer time to heal and can cause headaches for years to come. Long after you rid yourself of his sorry ass, you’ll still have to deal with his aftermath. So why don’t we take a close look at “How to know if he’s just using you”, hopefully this will keep some of you safe at least from men who just want to take advantage of you financially.

To begin with all relationships should be 50/50. That to me says that whatever you do for him, he should not only be willing, but capable of doing the same for you. That covers everything from bringing you lunch at work if you cannot leave your desk because you’re so busy. Women do this for men all the time and think nothing of diving across town to take your man something to eat. However, how many of you ladies have a man that does that for you? Not just in the beginning of the relationship when he was trying to impress you with kindness, but now ten months later?

This is how it all works in case you didn’t know. He starts the relationship off in a big way. He tends to your every need and he spends a few dollars on you. You love the attention and when you get flowers you’re hooked. A few weeks later he’s having a cash flow problem and you tell him it’s ok, I’ll pay for dinner tonight. A few weeks turns into a few months and you’re still footing the bill on pretty much everything. If he’s living with you, you’re probably on the hook for it all. It’s your apartment, your food, your car and he’s utilizing everything and paying for nothing.

You already know he’s using you, but he’s home when you get there and he treats you nice and tells you he love’s you frequently. Several times you’ve wanted to say something about this arrangement but as soon as you begin you feel bad because as you tell your friends and family, “He’s trying to get a job.” However secretly you know he’s not, because when you get home he’s still sitting in the same place on the couch playing the Xbox you brought him for his birthday. Many days you come home and his friends are there too. They’ve raided your freezer and there are beer bottles everywhere. You come home from a long day at work and the first thing he says is, “Whats for dinner?”

Things really get bad when after awhile he tells you that he would like to use your car while you’re at work so he can look for a job. This excites you and you start to think things may work out after all. However, this feeling is short lived when he’s late everyday to pick you up when you get off. Each day he comes to pick you up later and later. Hell, one day he may forget to pick you up at all.

And then there is the boyfriend who doesn’t live with you. He constantly tells you that he doesn’t have any money but his cell phone is always on. However, if it does get turned off, he conveniently shows up at your house and after a marathon love making session he talks you into paying to have it turned back on. He explain it to you by saying that’s why he couldn’t call you and he really needs it so he can hear your sexy voice everyday. He’s the same guy whom only shows up when he wants something, mostly cash but you cannot see it because he only asks after sex. When he doesn’t need anything you may or may not hear from him, that is unless you call him. However, this type of guy always makes plans to spend time with you and for whatever reason he calls to tell you he cannot make it, or that he fell asleep or some other lame excuse.

Not only can you be used for financial gain but men will attempt to use you for sex as well. This is the so called boyfriend whom stops by once a week or so with a million and one excuses about why he hasn’t been by or called you. After telling you another lie, his charm and smile disarm you and sweet talk you into bed yet once again. Once he’s done because he damn sure doesn’t care if it’s satisfying for you, he’ll tell you another good lie, promising to call you when he gets home (which he won’t) or he’ll come take you some where tomorrow (another good lie). Hey, but what does he care? He got what he came for and he knows that you’ll be angry for a few days when he doesn’t show up or call you. But you’ll be happy when he pops up again and forget why you were mad in the first place. He’ll continue to make you feel good with his great story telling, talk you into bed again and be off to who knows where. When you really get mad at him he’ll concede and maybe take you to a movie or McDonald’s. Then it’s back to your place to hit the sack and then he’s gone again. This pattern will continue until you put a stop to it by replacing him in his absence. When this happens he’ll profess his love to you and if you fall for yet another lie, he’ll be good and show up for several days and then you’re back to square one. He’ll never change, he’s just in it for the sex.

Regardless of the way they operate if you do two things you can shield yourself from these and many more types of usage. First and foremost, put your heart in a safe place and start every relationship with your mind wide open. Critique everything, pay for nothing. Only spend money on him when it’s your time to pay. For example, last week you went to the movie together, and he paid. This week you planned to go again and this time you make a point of paying. Override any objections he may have, the key to being able to determine if your relationship is 50/50 is to ensure you have some way by which to measure it. Some of you though, may have a man whom insists on paying for everything. This is a practice you may want to stop. I know it’s nice to have a man that spends freely on you and you should thank him for that, however, with the first real disagreement the two of you have it may come back to haunt you. People are great at offering to pay for things, but when things aren’t going great it becomes, “I brought you this and that and what have you done for me?” Don’t get into that trick bag, please.

The second thing you can do is to never discuss your income with anyone, especially not someone whom is trying to get to know you. Trust me, men talk about these things. We all want a girl who’s bringing down top dollar and loves us to a point where it’s basically a fault. Men whom are trying to use you will be the sweetest and most perfect man you’ve ever met. However, they, just like women have known to do, will utilize sex and your emotions to milk you for everything possible. So beware of the guy who after having sex with you wants to go shopping, it happens.

When I was a real dog, I had women buy me expensive suits, shoes, airline tickets, pay my rent, one even gave me an American Express Card (with my name) she paid the bill. Was I really in love with any of these women? I cared for them in my own selfish way, but I never really loved any of them. In my own little mind at the time I felt I deserved these things because I somehow made them happy. In reality I did more harm than I could have ever imagined, and for this I’m truly regretful.

I have to move on because I’m really not too comfortable with the former me, so please bare with me. Another thing you should not do under any circumstances, let me repeat this, never do this under any circumstance! Never co-sign for a car, a loan or place your name on any legal document for any man other than your husband. Do not make any big ticket items for any man period, other than your husband. Do not open any joint checking accounts, credit card accounts or anything financial with any man other than your husband. Also, if you move in with him or he you, make sure you check your credit at a minimal, every other month. Credit agencies are notorious for trying to place someone else’s name onto your credit simply because you live together. It happens, it really does.

The most important of all of these is to never actually allow any man (once again) other than your husband to have access to your social security number. Let no man have access to you bank pin numbers or personal checks. All ways store these items in a safe and secure place because until you know if he’s actually the man intent on making you his wife, he’s still just a guest in your life. Treat him as such and you’ll be fine.

As women you are always going to be known as being caring, trusting, understanding creatures. There is nothing that says that you cannot also be safety consience. Protect yourself and make dating a good experience even when it fails, learn something from each and every man you go out with so you never make the same mistake twice.

History is filled with stories of women whom have fallen victim to men who have used them into the poor house. I’m sure some of you know first hand of stories of lies and deciet that ended in financial tragedy. Be careful and protect yourself and your assets. Always remember this, “if it seems like he’s using you, and you feel like he’s using you. You’re being used!”  

Save yourself the headaches and drama and seek out adult relationships with men, not boys. Men who are capable of taking care of you on the same level you will take care of him. Don’t waste your precious time on anyone whom cannot take care of himself or refuses to take care of you. If you feel you need to have someone around you at all times and you hate being alone, get a cat or a dog for company. Dogs are great, they could teach men alot about what all women deserve, unconditional love!

 

 

 

 

Where to find a good man

I’ve gotten quite a few letters asking the question; “Where can I find a good man? I’ve gotten just as many asking this question in a different manner; Where is the best place to meet good men? I had to think about these questions long and hard, I also had to go out  and do a bit of research to pass along to you ladies who want to know this information.

To begin with I have questions of my own. What type of man (besides a good man) do you seek? What I mean by this is, are you seeking a professional man, such as a Doctor, Lawyer, Accountant, Professor or a Bank President? That’s what you want a Professional? Or would you settle for a good man that’s a Grocery store clerk, a bus boy in a restaurant, a security guard or a garbage man?  It’s up to you.

However, before we get started in this let me make one thing perfectly clear. Regardless of his position or the level he’s on with a company, he’s a professional. If he has a job and he’s getting paid, he’s considered a professional. They do not pay amateurs.

With that out of the way let’s first try to determine what’s considered a good man and how to possibly identify him. From past experience and above that being a man myself I noticed one very distinct difference between myself as a dog and men who weren’t. You know what is was? Men who aren’t dogs keep to themselves. I’d talk to them at work or while playing basketball or some other activity, but if the subject of women came up it was generally me asking why they didn’t have one. Want to know what the number one answer to that question was? Bingo! I haven’t found the right girl yet.

As a dog all women were the right one for me. But for a good man he’s not about to waste his time and energy on  just any woman, he’s looking for the right woman. That’s why you will not see him around town with a different girl every other weekend. That’s too tacky for him.

Now, good men come in all shapes, sizes and colors and while you’re reading this think about who you know that you haven’t paid much attention to that fits this description. He’s generally alone or with family, if he’s with friends generally it’s only one maybe sometimes two. Older women in the neighborhood or work place love him because he’s nice, polite, helpful and genuine. When you talk to him he looks straight into your eyes and actually listens to what you have to say, he never pretends. He will not look you up and down or make you feel uncomfortable and generally when you’re in his company you are at ease because it’s like being with your brother.

If he has a girlfriend he proudly displays her photo on his desk or in his work area. (Dogs never do this because the photo’s would take up too much space and they feel it would mean commitment which could cause them to miss a chance to hit something else in the office) A good man has a hobby, hunting, fishing, bowling, creating websites or photography. This he spends all of his free time doing to fill his time until the right woman comes along.

He doesn’t gossip and wouldn’t dream of telling your personal secrets. He’s probably a little bit homophobic and it’s not that he doesn’t like gay people but he simply does not understand it. He is very  seldom rude and rarely get angry and if he does you would not know it. He’s not flashy, doesn’t waste money and is more likely to drive a American made car, a ford, Chrysler or Pontiac because it shows loyalty to his Country. He probably has a dog or two and he would never own a cat (but he would allow you to if you became a couple).

He may dress nice for work but feels more comfortable wearing jeans and a t-shirt with some cross training shoes that a woman would probably attempt to replace. However he will not because they were expensive and he’s frugal and as with everything else he’s as loyal to them as they’ve been to him over time.

You’ve probably either known him for years or worked beside him for a long time and because he make you feel so comfortable you tell him everythng and he actually listens and gives you a little feedback but very seldom tells you what you should do. Because he knows that you just need to vent and your current boyfriend probably will not listen.

Those of you that have this guy right now in your inner circle probably have never once wondered who he really was as man. However, every time shit hits the fan, he’s the guy you call. You don’t call the man you sleep with, you call the man you take advantage of. Many times women select dogs because of their prowess and reputation as a ladies man. You go into these relationships knowing full well the end results, but somewhere along the line you meet someone whom is real and supports you emotionally and he picks you up when life knocks you down and many times you forget to even say, “Thank You.” Then when you’ve had your fill of your boyfriend, you’ll get a new one whom is really just a carbon copy of the old one. In the beginning when things are going smoothly as they all do in the beginning, you forget about the person whom helped you through the last bad relationship. You don’t call or stop by to say hello because your life is great. However, at the first sign of trouble, what do you do? You call the guy you’ve been to busy for over the last several months and cry on his shoulder.

          And you know what? He lets you. Why? Because he’s a friend and he cares about you and he’s more loyal than you could ever be. That’s because this is what real men do. They possess a trait that dogs could never phantom, loyalty. How many of you have an ex-boyfriend that you are actually friends with? Generally this is because most dogs like my former self will only be friends with you if there are stipulations. That’s right! We want to be friends with benefits or the deal is off. Real men start relationships off as friends and remain friends, forever. 

          Good men are all around you. Each and every one of you either have a guy like this right now in your life or you had one earlier in life. He was the guy whom was more interested carrying you books home from school than trying to feel you up. Your parents loved him but your friends probably convinced you he was a dork, because he wasn’t a jock or student body President. More than that he probably wasn’t popular. However, you felt safe with him then and if he or someone like him is in your circle now you still do. You know he’s really what you’d like your boyfriend to be like and you may have even thought about what it would be like to date him. Then either your friends talked you out of it or you came up with that same old lame excuse women have used for decades to avoid happiness, ” I’m afraid to date him because if it doesn’t work out it might ruin our friendship.” That’s a cop-out and you all know it. Here’s a guy whom you know is nice, works, treats you great, knows everything about you (even your secrets) and still likes you. What more could you ask for? What do you tell your friends and boyfriends about this guy? “Oh, he’s my best friend.”

Hello! One of the most valuable components of a successful relationship is that your mate is your best friend! Whats really great about this is you actually created this perfect situation over time and didn’t even know it.

So now, to answer your question: Where to find a good man? There is no magical place like a good man’s bar and grill. He is right there, either in your office working with you, or in your Rolodex, you have him in your contacts list on your cell phone. Your boyfriend secretly hates him because he too knows that the day you open your eyes to what you have right in front of you, you’re gone.  So you know that friend of yours that your boyfriend consistently refers to as a “Fag”, he’s the one.

So ladies, now that you know where to find him, what’s next? Will you chose to continue seeking love from guys whom want nothing more than to use and abuse you both verbally and physically? Or will you take a closer look at the guy whom has always been there for you even though you’ve not always been there for him? Think about it. Would you like the perception of happiness or true happiness? It’s your choice, I hope you make the right one now that you know. Good Luck!

 

10 Things you may not know about men

Although we’ve inhabited this planet for many, many years it amazes me that although there are only two different sexes here we still know very little about one another. In an attempt to shed a little light about my gender today I figured I’d compile a list of 10 things you as women may not know about men.
Some of these things you may know, some you may not but regardless they should make for good water cooler talk in the office.
Lets get started:

1) We really do worry about penis size, regardless of what people think. Some men feel they may just not measure up. To give you an idea how significant this issue is among men I read an article some time ago and it asked the question: Why don’t you see full nude shots of  leading  men’s privates in movies as you do women’s? In the article it stated that big stars will not because they have this fear that if they don’t measure up to what their fans feel is adequate in the package department it could hurt their box office appeal for future movies. See, it’s not only regular guys whom suffer from this thought.

2) Most of us at one time or another has slept with either a girlfriends sister (that’s bad) cousin (not too bad), best friend (oops!) or distant friend (sorry).

3) Sex to us is not nearly as important in a relationship as women think. Is it necessary, yes. Is it mandatory, no. Unfortunately, as the relationship ages we tend to think of it as a chore more than anything else. For whatever reason some women feel we are walking erections, this is just not true. However, #2 also gives you reason to think this way.

4) We do like to cuddle. However we reserve this for women we are totally unconditionally, head over heels in love with. So if he wont cuddle, you’re not the one.

5) We have an addiction to love. However, it’s just like the addiction to drugs some people suffer from. In parts of Asia, they call it chasing the Dragon. It’s said that the very first hit a man takes of opium will give him the best high of his life. He’ll never ever get that same high again. People become addicted because they continue attempting to replicate that first high. “Chasing the Dragon”, men do this with love. The first love we ever had gave us a euphoric feeling and we spend years trying to get that same feeling from our other relationships. Whats funny is, if that first relationship was so great, why did we let it go?

6) We really hate it when our equipment doesn’t work properly. Oh, and it’s really not your fault even though we may tell our friends you just weren’t sexy enough. Gotta save face somehow.

7) We only talk about sexual conquests that involve women we know we aren’t going to marry or be in a serious relationship with. It’s considered taboo to tell friends about how you perform if you’re really my girlfriend. Not only that but if I want to keep you, that also entails keeping our private times private. So with that said, if you go out with a guy you just slept with as you attempt to start a relationship do not be alarmed if his friends make comments or snide remarks. That’s just their way of getting your attention so when you and he are done (which probably will be soon) they are in position to see if you’re a good as he says.

8)  We support one another. If we’re at a club and I ask you to dance and you turn me down, when I return to the table where my friends are they’ll make me feel better. Usually this is accomplished by saying the following: Man, that bitch is fat anyway! Or, You know she’ gay, right?

9) Most of us that joke about sex all the time, it’s generally because either we’re not getting any, or in some cases we wouldn’t know what to do if the opportunity presented itself. The guy who wouldn’t know what to do, you can easily spot him. He’s the one who always has something sexual to say to you every time you pass him in a bar or club. He’s always with his male support group and when you walk by he’ll say something like, ” Can I get fries with that shake?” At which time his friends will laugh and it leaves you fuming. You can easily turn the tables on him by simply doing this: Stop, walk back to him and tell him, ” Do you really want this? Let’s go right now, and you had better be good. Because if you waste my time and don’t please me, I promise I’ll come back to this place, stand on the bar and tell everyone here how lousy a fuck you were!” Trust me with that he’ll shut right up because he knows that the pressure you’ve just put on him will not allow him to perform anywhere near what he’d consider satisfactory even by his standards. He’ll never bother you again, except probably to apologize.

10) When we tell you on the phone or in conversation how good we are in bed and how we’re going to make you orgasm over and over again and again. Don’t believe it, it’s a lie. Basically we do this just so we can paint that image in your head. By doing this chances are you’ll sleep with us to see if we really can please you continuously. However, we know we won’t and what we really want is to please ourselves. If you give in and fall for this you’ll probably be highly disappointed in the sex and pissed at yourself for wasting your time.

Well that’s it for today. I haven’t been around for awhile so I hope you can forgive me for not posting lately. I’ll make it up to you though and I’ll try to post something else in a couple of days, OK? Keep those letters coming and I’ll continue to answer them as promptly and honestly as possible.

Does your ex still control your behavior?

My brother met a woman that works for the same firm he does. They chatted and in the end they exchanged phone numbers and made plans to go to lunch. The plan was that he would call her and let her know when he had time and if she was free it was a deal. My brother called her several times and never reached her. He left messages and she never replied, so he pretty much blew it off and decided to move on. About a week later he ran into her as they were leaving the building at the same time to go home. Being in the same vicinity he decided to be polite because for all he knew she could have a logical explanation for why she didn’t return his calls.

When he asked about the slight he was told by the female that she did not call men. This threw my brother for a loop and just like me he possesses that instinct that required him to investigate that statement. He reviewed their first meeting and how they had exchanged phone numbers, bringing up the fact that it was her idea of the number switch. She did a reversal and informed him that if he indeed wanted to see her then he would have to continue to call until he reached her. My brothers take was that he didn’t want to continue to call her because he didn’t want to have that feeling he was bugging her. She assured him that he wouldn’t be and that eventually she’d answer.

Now my brother whom is very inquisitive had to ask that question that was driving him nuts, but he needed to formulate it into words that wouldn’t create a hostile situation. So being the person he is he immediately began to make her laugh so that he could erase any hostility that may have been brewing on the surface and to get her to relax. Then he popped the question he was dying to know the answer to.

“Why is it that you do not call men?” The answer astounded him. She stated that her former boyfriend had her trained to call him whenever she arrived at a certain destination, work, home, shopping etc. He told her it was to insure him that she was safe. Later in the relationship she discovered that the real truth was that he had several other women and by knowing where each was at all times he thought he’d never be caught. She also said that many times when she called him he’d put her on hold telling her it was business, only to find out it was the other women checking in.  

After listening to this story my brother told her this: (he called me on his way home) “Let me get this straight, you wouldn’t call me, a man whom evidently is attracted to you based on the actions of a guy you haven’t dated in over two years?” He further stated, “Have you ever considered that although you are not with him anymore, he’s still controlling you and your actions? Therefore denying you the opportunity to start a new relationship with someone who is honest, caring, sweet, stable and handsome (he had to throw that in to keep the mood light)?  He went on to tell her that if he didn’t like her as much as he did then when she never returned his call he’d have moved on. Also, that because he thought she was a beautiful woman with a kind heart he felt he needed to ask those questions to get to the bottom of this. Now that he knew, and she knew what the problem was, he wanted to know how was she going to fix it? He left her with this message, ” You can continue to let that loser control your life from the past, which is even worse than having him control it in the now, or you can take the memories of him, good and bad, lock them in a room in the back of you mind and throw away the key. The choice was hers to make. He left her with this: ”You decide and I’ll see you around.”

While taking to me on the way home from this event he got another call, guess who? They’ve been together for three months now and I think she’s great, so does he. Hell, I may get a sister in-law out of this, at least I hope so anyway.  

Now, you may be wondering where I’m going with this so here it is. “How much control does your ex have over you? What are some of the things you will not do based on what happened in your last relationship? Identify them and write this information down on a piece of paper. Look at it real closely, kiss the paper and then burn it. Get rid of him and all those things for good so you can move on. Now make a new list, this time write down the names of men whom have attempted to get to know you since you broke up with that idiot. These are men that were probably good and because of your ex they didn’t stand a chance. If any of those names jumps off the page at you, do your home work first, don’t just jump into this thing. Find out if he’s still on the market, and if he is make contact with him. He could be the one that almost got away.

I had a girlfriend once, I really liked her. However she had this habit. She’d call me at work and ask me if she could go places, do things. It drove me nuts. So I asked her about it and she told me that with her ex she always had to ask for permission. I quickly informed her that she was an adult and although it is polite to call and tell me that she was going to go out with her friends (keyword being TELL ME) it wasn’t my place to grant her permission. As an adult  man I wasn’t about to ask permission from anyone to go anywhere and therefore I didn’t expect her to either. It took a little while but she finally understood. 

Another girlfriend I had once really screwed up, and when I confronted her about it, between tears she told me to hit her. She expected it. This really shocked me, I’ve never raised my hand to a woman in my life. When I refused, our relationship changed. Later I found out that her ex had hit her whenever she did something he didn’t approve of so that’s why she expected me to also. Not! Since I wouldn’t she doubted I really loved her and we broke it off soon after. (I wish I knew then what I know now about spousal abuse) Luckily she met a guy after me and from what I’ve heard through friends over the years they’ve made a nice family together. 

Anyway, what I’m attempting to say is that we bring a lot from one relationship to another. Some things are good and some bad. The bad things we call baggage and we really all need to dump it as soon as the relationship is over. Don’t let it become a burden on you or the next man whom is trying to get to know you. Start every relationship off with a clean slate, this will make it easier to have a next one.

  

  

What is Love?

For Katie.  

The other day I was on my way home from work and I saw these two elderly people holding hands as they walked down the street . As they began their journey I observed the man gently place the woman on his side to shield her away from traffic. In the short time I watched them it amazed me how much tenderness and affection these two bestowed on one another. As I pulled away I couldn’t help but to wonder  had I just witnessed true love?

Now this is hard for me to say because for all I know the two could have just met and he was attempting to impress her with his charm and chivalry. However for some reason I somewhat feel this was not the case. I got the impression that these two had been together for many, many years. Years that were sometimes difficult, challenging, frustrating but also full of love and commitment.

In today’s society with all the hustle and bustle of everyday life, with all the negativity about relationships and marriage I think we’ve lost something. I think we’ve lost somewhere along the way, The true meaning of Love. I think that somewhere along the lines of infatuation, sexual attraction, lusting, jealously, dishonesty, adultery and plain old selfish behavior we’ve forgotten about Gods greatest gift, Love.

We often tell people we’ve just met that we love them, or that we’re in love with them. We toss these words around like saying hello. Has love in our society lost it’s meaning? Has our need to be loved resulted in our accepting artificial love as a replacement? Do we even know what real love is? Not to be condescending, but truthfully, how many of you have been intimate with a man just because he whispered those three little words, I Love You?

As you seek to define your current relationship or forge a new one, I thought I’d give you the true meaning of love to use as a measuring stick for where you are and where you’re going in it. Take a look at your former relationships and see how they measure up.

I’m not a expert in this  or any of the things I write on this blog. I simply try to enlighten you on the truth through the eyes of a man. I draw upon my past and the pasts and present of other men to attempt to steer anyone of you whom wants to listen in the right direction. I can only assist you through my words in achieving what it is you seek, and I’m pretty sure that it’s this. True Love.

Now since I’m not an expert, I went with the expert and today I present to you the “Meaning of True Love” according to the Bible. I hope you take the time to read it, and if you’ve already read it before, pass it on to someone whom may have not, especially men. I have to go now, please enjoy.   1 Corinthians 13

  

Love

 1If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,^[b] but have not love, I gain nothing. 4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

 13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

15 Things women shouldn’t do on the first date

He asked you out and you accepted. Good for you. Now, before you start thinking that this is the guy and begin the wedding plans lets make sure you know some things about men and the first date. I hadn’t told you this yet (I will in a later post) but as men we pretty much know how far this relationship is going within the first 30 days. So for you to make it through the thirty day trial period you need to know somethings that you shouldn’t do if you want a long term relationship.  So to help you out I’ve jotted down the “Fifteen things women shouldn’t do on a first date.” Lets get started, OK?

Item #1-I’ve said this before, but just in case you missed it, do not allow your first date to be a dinner date, movie date or any date that happens after dark. Think safety ladies. Also, you want to control the situation. the last thing you want is to have some guy that you’ve just found out is not compatible with you walking you to your door at the end of the evening and expecting a kiss or more because he paid for dinner.  Can we say awkward?

When I say control the situation I mean this: You decide where you’d like to go, what time of the day and for how long. That’s called control. My favorite and best suggestion is the lunch date. Lunch is great. Why? It lasts at a maximum of one hour, can be shortened if the dates a bust (gotta get back to work I forgot to do something) and it’s daylight, with many people around for safety purposes. It also puts the pressure on the man, he has one shot, a one hour time frame to impress you or tomorrow you’re having lunch with someone else. When the lunch date is over you can go back to work. How many of you have had lunch with some guy and afterwards he walked you back to your office expecting a good afternoon kiss, or more? Eliminate that situation all together by going to lunch on your first date. Also, is it anyone else but me or do people look a little better when it’s dark? Get him into the light so you can really see him.

Item #2:No short skirts, tight pants, low cut blouses, shorts or anything that sends a signal other than the one you really want to send. That signal and only that signal should be sent. It should be, this is a lunch engagement, I do not want to sleep with you, I am merely here for the purpose of determining if you’re are actually worth my time. As a woman, you want to be dressed as conservative as possible. In case you didn’t know, your mother was right. “If you dress like a Ho, you’ll be treated like one.” Men base the direction of their conversation on the way you appear to him physically. If you look professional and lady like, that’s how he’s going to treat you and talk to you. Why? Because your looks have now told him several things, one being that you are a woman that he can visualize as a wife, a future mother, a partner and friend. You carry yourself well and he’ll be happy to sit there with you and since you once again took sex out of the equation, listen to every word you say (which shouldn’t be much). Dress in a short skirt and his thought process immediately goes into the toilet, he spends the majority of the lunch fantasizing about how many different sexual positions he’d like to put you in. Your conversation will be typically about night clubs and drinking because secretly he’s already plotting your next date. The night date, so because of the signals you sent he thinks the sex is not only achievable but immanent if he can get you out at night with a few drinks. Is that what you want? I don’t really want to harp on this dress and appearance thing too long but before I move on I have one last thing to say about it. For a real man the most embarrassing thing is to meet a nice woman in a good environment and ask her out. She shows up for the planned event and she’s wearing something that attracts way too much attention, from the waiter, to the doorman, the server, the valet guys, the manager and even other women. For a real man, you couldn’t be taken serious as a potential mate. Your appearance sends a signal that you desperately need attention and you do not care who gives it to you. I had many dates like that and I couldn’t wait to end it before the thought of me sticking a fork in my heart overwhelmed me. So remember dress is important in the way we treat you. Do it right, OK?

Item #3:Do not talk about you ex on this date or any date. Do not talk too much about what you like or do not like to do. In other words, make him talk about himself and don’t help determine who he is based on what you like or dislike in a man.  Treat this date as if you were interviewing him for a position within your company, Ala, Your Life, Inc. Before the date, sit down with a piece of paper and right down what it is you want to accomplish with this man. What do you know about this man? What do you want to know? What you do not know is what can sink this thing before it starts to sail and you want to identify it before you leave the harbor, so make a list of the unknowns. Then formulate questions based on this. Refer to my last post (How to tell if your man is Lying) and arm yourself with enough information to attempt to determine if he’s telling you the truth or not. If you are not sure at the end of the lunch date, go over all of the data you collected and try it again on another lunch date with him. That little voice in the back of your head, the one that tells you something is wrong is almost always right. Listen to it! That voice is there for a reason, to protect you and in this case your heart.

Item #4:Do not be late! Do not be late! Do not be late! There I said it again. Don’t feed into the stereotype that women are always late for dates. To be late is a sign of disrespect. From a mans prospective if you don’t value my time then you don’t value my feelings or the relationship as a whole. I know that things come up and some things cannot be helped. Just don’t make it a habit and when they do come up, call the person and let them know you’ll be running a little late. He’ll respect you for it and he’ll be appreciative. You also just sent him a message that you are mature and responsible and that you indeed are interested in meeting with him.

Item #5:Do not drink on the first date.Since it’s lunch, I don’t expect you to drink anyway. Even if you do not have to go back to work when the date is over, you should not drink. When people drink their inhibitions slightly go away, and depending on how much you drink they could go away entirely. During this time you could say or do something that could severely damage the image you were trying to project. The first would be that most men I know are not really comfortable with a woman whom drinks in the day time anyway, if at all. Those little jokes about drinking you under a table. They are really not funny, just thought you may want to know that. If you do drink on a first date, keep it simple, a glass of wine should suffice if the date is in the evening. Do not go on and on about how much you used to drink in College, it’s a turn off, or a signal for your date to attempt to get you drunk and have his way with you. So please stay away from that subject. Also, do you really want to be with a man who has several drinks while you’re trying to get to know him? Most people will say well he was nervous because he wanted so badly to make a good impression he needed a drink to loosen up. Right! What I see is this, any man whom needs a drink to talk to or have lunch or dinner with a beautiful woman whom is allowing him the opportunity to get to know her has issues. If he needs intestinal fortitude in this situation he has no confidence. Drinking to get that confidence could result in unwanted advancements and embarrassment. It also, doesn’t allow you to know the real person since his personality changes when he’s drinking.

Item #6: Never let the person you’re going on a first date with pick you up at home or work.Why? Do you really know this person? In today’s society people move from State to State all the time. This person could have committed a crime in another State and you wouldn’t know it. I think it would be much safer if you saved allowing people to know where you live or work until after you really get to know them. Don’t you think that’s much better than letting a person know up front and then seeing him on the show “America’s Most Wanted”? I’m a firm believer in personal security measures and since I cannot be there to protect each and everyone of you, I’m hoping some of this rubs off through my writings.

So in the event you do not have transportation, either get someone you know to drop you off and pick you up afterwards, or select a location that you can get to that is not too close to your home. Your office though is not as bad as your home so I can make a concession if you are forced to select a location in the same mall or plaza because of time restrictions for lunch.

Item #7: Do not open your own door, or pull out your chair.Chivalry is not dead! One of the best indicators of how your date perceives women is if he opens doors and pulls your chair. I know all about the women’s rights movement and all and I can appreciate what women are attempting to accomplish. However, real men love opening doors for women. It’s called being a gentleman. Isn’t that what you’re looking for? Now on the other hand, if he doesn’t open the door for you he’s probably self centered. If that’s not the case then he simply has no manners. Either way, he’s probably not worth your time. My wife hasn’t opened a door for herself in my presence since the day we met and she never will as long as I’m alive.

Item #8: Do not engage in any conversation that is inappropriate. No dirty jokes. No conversations about Religion, Politics, the war in Iraq, O.J Simpson, or anything else that could turn into a debate. Until you know the person you’re having lunch with you really need to be careful with your conversation. You don’t want to kill a second date with a guy you are starting to like because of a comment you made about something he is passionate about.

Item #9: Don’t criticize the food or service.Be polite with all the staff and please don’t go on this date to a place you chose (taking control) and then order only a salad. It’s lunch ladies. Eat something, that’s what people do at lunch time. There’s nothing worse than taking someone out to eat and they eat nothing. Only to hear their stomach growl on the way out of the restaurant. Sorry but that’s not cute. Oh, and say nothing about being on a diet. If you are, keep it to yourself. He asked you out so apparently he’s fine with the way you look, for you to say you’re dieting sends the signal that you are not happy with it your appearance. If it comes out, you’ll find yourself in a conversation about how good you look, which is flattering but it’s an opening to take a closer look at your body parts. Don’t go there.

Item #10: Do not accept any complement about anything lower than your neck. “You have nice legs.” May sound good, may be flattering, but he hasn’t earned the right to compliment you on them. He should have said something to the effect that you have a really pretty smile, or eyes. He should be concentrating on that area and nothing else. If you don’t correct him when he makes an inappropriate comment, he’ll continue because by your not correcting him is the same as condoning it. If that happens, either realign his attention by correcting his behavior or end the date before it goes any further. You’ll be happy you did.

Item #11: Talk on your cell phone.There nothing more aggravating than to be in the middle of a conversation with someone you’re trying to get to know, only to be interrupted by a cell phone or a text message. Since you accepted the invitation to the date be attentive. Turn your phone off (unless you’re expecting a emergency call), you can let your girlfriends know all about the date later. Stay focused on the person sitting in front of you.

Item #12: Respond to any unsolicited attention. Women attract attention, that’s just a fact that all men accept. I can tell you to dress like a nun for this date and because you guys are so damn beautiful (and I mean all of you) someone else is bound to notice and will either a) pass a compliment or b) attempt to flirt with you. While on your date you should respond to neither of these.  You’re out with a new guy on your first date, do not allow someone else to determine the outcome. If some other man attempts this I feel it’s disrespectful to the man you’re with, however since he is unsure of how you feel about it, then it’s up to you to set it straight. When your new friend is more comfortable with the position you select for him, he will be more than happy to correct this situation in the future. 

Item #13: Planning the second date. If the date goes well and you think there’s a good chance you’d like to go out with him again don’t commit to it on the spot. Tell him to let you think about it. If you say yes, you come off as too easy and he knows you like him. If you say no, it should be because you know he’s not what you’re looking for. If this is the case, let him know this but be nice about it. By telling him you’d like to think about it, it sends a signal that although the date was OK, it wasn’t great. When you do let him know you’d like to do it again he’ll try harder to please you. This is not an attempt to play games with anyone, it’s just that you are a woman and to get the very best out of men you need to make them earn everything they get from you. To be able to take you out on a date, or to even talk to you should be considered a privilege.

Item #14: Bring a friend along. I know there is safety in numbers however, you accepted this date and I’m sure he only wants to be with you. It’s hard to concentrate on the person you’re with if you also are having conversations with a person you brought along. Also, the conversations tend to make the date feel like he’s a third wheel because you two will probably talk about things and people he has no knowledge of. I once went on a date with a girl and she brought along a friend, the friend kept bringing up all these other guys in the conversation. After awhile I pretty much got tired of it so I excused myself, tracked down the waitress, paid the bill (with a tip) and went home. She called several times but I already knew she wasn’t mature enough for serous relationship so I never talked to her again.  

Item #15: Do not select or agree to a location that your friends frequent or work. It’s really annoying as a man to be trying to connect with a woman I’m really interested in only to be interrupted time and time again by employees and customers whom know her. Also you run the chance of one of them ruining it for you, if they stop by and say the wrong thing. You haven’t told him everything about you because it’s not time, but if the waiter comes up and says, “Hey, where’s John?” That pretty much kills the mood and the date. Now I know that you’ve been here before with someone named John and you’ll have to explain something that is really none of my business at this point. So select  a place where no one really knows you.

So there’s fifteen things that you shouldn’t do on your first date and I hope I explained why in each of them. Dating can be fun and adventurous. Sometimes you lose and you just want to hide somewhere, but occasionally you win big and you meet someone who may or may not become your soul mate. All in all though it keeps you from being alone until that special man arrives and the practice you can get from it is priceless. Happy hunting.  

How to tell when your man is Lying

How well do you know your man? Most of you if you’ve been with him for a great deal of time already know when he’s not truthful, but for those of you that are in a new relationship, for this post we’ll be learning how to become a human lie detector.

I have to caution you though, you should really ask yourself before we go on if you really want to know how to do this. Because once you perfect it, your life will change somewhat. You’ll find yourself looking for truthfulness or deciet in your friends, co-workers, your boss and even your kids. If you can handle this new found knowledge, then read on and good luck.

As humans we all have things that we do when telling a lie. Some people shake their legs from side to side, some rub their noses, some scratch their heads, this can be different in every person you encounter. However, the one thing they all have in common is their eyes. The eyes give them away every single time. They can catch themselves before they start to shake their legs and stop it before it becomes too noticable, but the eyes still give them way.

Now, lets try this. When your man comes home and you’re sitting around talking, ask him a question you already know the answer to. It can be something simple like, “What was the name of the apartment complex he used to live in?” Watch his reaction, his whole body because we’re looking for signals of truthfulness. He’s sharp with his answer, no strange movements of his hands, legs or feet and he gives you the proper answer. Try this for several days, always asking a question that you know the answer to because you’re looking for truthful responses and getting down his body language during truthful responses. You can only gage this if you already know the answers.

After several days of this and you know what his body language will reveal I want you to this time ask him a question (one that once again you know the answer to also). However, make this question a little harder, so that he has to think about it. While he’s doing this (make sure you are facing him) watch his eyes. They’ll go up and to his right (which will be your left) as he searches for the answer. Now, the reason his eyes goes up and to his right is this. The right side of the brain is where we store actual facts, memories as we call them. He’s doing this because it’s an involuntary function and he’s not even aware of it. Not to scare you, but you do it too and probably never even knew it until now.

Practice this for a few more days and get it down so that you can tell when he’s telling you the truth and then you’ll be ready to move on. *** Note- do not ask him questions that will result in a yes or no answer, it’ll make it very difficult to check his response because it’ll come too quickly.

Before you move on to the dishonest side of this lesson try this: Ask him about a tragic event in his life and if you’ve practiced enough, you’ll notice his eyes will go to the right and down slightly. He just signaled to you that there is a lot of emotion attached to this memory.

Ok, now that you know what he does physically when he tells you the truth then that’s what you look for when having a conversation that is important to you. 

Let’s look at what happens to him physically when he lies (or now tries to lie to you). You’ll notice he becomes uncomfortable. Remember how relaxed he was when you asked him a question you already knew the answer to? That person is now gone, the new person sitting in front of you is probably doing something totally different. Shaking his legs from side to side, rubbing his hands, running his hands through his hair repeatedly, and when he answers you he may even blink his eyes quickly. The key for you though is that you now know he’s not that same comfortable person he was when he was telling you the truth. Oh, and if he repeats your question before he answers you, the next words that come out of his mouth is a lie, just thought you might want to know. He repeated the question as a stalling tactic while he put together a lie for you in his brain.

The eyes tell it all as I said before. This time when you’re looking into his eyes, when he lies to you, his eyes will go up and to his left (your right) because the left side of the brain is the creative side. This is where he goes to create that crazy story about how he got a flat tire on the express way at ten o’clock at night and his cell phone died so he couldn’t call you for assistance and the emergency call box was a mile away and the first one was out of service and then it took a tow truck two hours to get to him and change the tire because he didn’t have the proper tools to do the job. Also, because he didn’t want to drive around with a doughnut for a tire he drove all over town looking for a all night tire store to fix the original flat. They patched it and put it back on, that’s why you cannot tell he had a flat. That’s also why he got home at seven thirty in the morning with a different shirt on because he threw the other one away because of the grease on it from the tire change. Have you heard that one before? Hell, it used to work but not if you practice and pay strict attention to his body language.

Another thing you need to know, you should never tell him you can tell when he’s lying. You’ll only tip your hand and he’ll work harder to cover it up. You simply listen to his story and pay attention to determine if it’s true or false. Then you agree with him, tell him it’s ok and you’re just glad he’s safe. Then you excuse yourself, find a nice secure place and write down the entire story so you can disect it and get to the truth later. Be patient, ok?

Now, for those of you that are not in a current relationship. This will work for you too. Practice on people you know. Your office Manager, your room mate, your brother, sister or best friend. However, again and I caution you all, do not tell anyone you are doing this to them or that you know. You’ll make them uncomfortable because in reality you’ve rendered them naked as far as the truth goes.

If you’re out on a date with a new man, utilize these skill you’ve been practicing. While you’re sitting across from him at dinner, ask him questions that he has to think about and his body language will tell you alot. If he starts lying to you about B.S., then go for the kill and ask if he has a wife or girlfriend. He cannot hide it from you now because you’ll be able to read it in his eyes. If he lies to you about anything you should now know that he’s not the person you want to be with and when you get home you can lose his number and save yourself a headache.

On another note- never ever tell someone to look you in the eye and answer your question. This defeats the purpose of this exercise, you just tipped your hand. However, you may want to ask them to remove their sunglasses. Do this by simply telling them that you think they have beautiful eyes and you’d like to look into them while you talk because they make you so weak in the knees. (Vanity is a weakness in men too.)

So ladies, go out and practice, practice, pratice. Soon you’ll be able to spot a lie before it comes out of your mates mouth. But now I must caution you, sometimes it’s not wise to know too much. Knowledge is a powerful thing and if you’ve never had any reason to expect your mate as a liar and cheat I caution you not to utilize these methods. If you suspect then whatever you discover shouldn’t surprise you much. However, if you’ve never suspected anything and your relationship is fine, only to discover by using these methods he’s not truthful it can be a painful experience. So ask yourself this before attempting to do this, “Do you really want to know the truth?”

“The end of man, is knowledge. For there is one thing he cannot know, that being weither knowledge will save him or kill him. Oh, he will be killed alright, but will it be because of the knowledge he has or doesn’t have, and if he had it would it save him?” (I read this in College somewhere. If anyone knows the Authors name could you please e-mail it to me so I can read up on them? Thanks.)

Well I have to go again. I know what you’re thinking. (What do I do with the notes?) Don’t worry, in a couple of weeks when I feel you’ve practiced enough I’ll post ” How to Interview/Interrogate your man, without him knowing.”

Seeking Love On the Internet and why it’s a bad idea!

In today’s society we utilize the Internet for everything, to purchase clothing items,books, cars, trips and more. Most of this is done for convenience, hey, save gas, don’t go to the store I can have my groceries delivered to my home. The super highway is fine for some things, but to find a relationship it is not.

To find the right man for you, there are no short cuts and if you are serious about what you’re seeking in a man then you should be willing to do it the right way. Nothing worthwhile is easy, if it was then this post would not exist. Every one of you would have the perfect mate and therefore men like the former man I was would not exist. However, this is not the case, so lets get back to work.

Recently I wanted to increase the readership of this blog. I wanted to attract women whom were frustrated with their attempts to find a suitable mate in hopes that I could assist them too. Where could I find such women? I certainly couldn’t go out and recruit them off the streets. After thinking about it for several days I had an idea. I posted ads on the Internet. Not just an ad telling women to visit my site. But well thought out ads aimed to attract as many women as possible.

To accomplish this feat I had to think really hard and in the end I asked myself, “What would I have said in a ad if I were still the same old sorry ass man I was several years ago?”  As uncomfortable as it was for me, it came to me in a flash, I created the ads and I placed them in several cities. The results were phenomenal. I had 0ver 400 visitors in three days! I also received a shit load of photo’s (some very naughty ones, but I expected that) and offers to visit me. I was pretty much blown away.

However, something happened that really puzzled me. I directed everyone to visit my blog if they wanted to know more about me and most did. However, I had a few that wrote directly to me and I had to re-direct them to the blog. I encouraged each and everyone to read my very first post (My Epiphany-Seeking Redemption) so they could understand what  was attempting to accomplish. I still received a few letters that continued to press for a relationship. This disturbed me.

Then I got a letter from a woman and in my attempt to humor her into going back to my blog, she blasted me for tricking women into visiting this blog. I was pretty shocked to say the least. We exchanged e-mails a couple of times and at one point I thought, “Hell, I give up.” I got off the computer, asked my wife if I could go out and have a beer so I could relax and think for awhile.” Before I could leave the house I felt the need to e-mail her one more time, it was important that I get her to understand  that I’m not trying to deceive anyone and I mean this from the bottom of my heart. In the end the woman went back and read my first post and although she said she was puzzled, hopefully I didn’t lose her. My methods may not be the best but if I teach at least one woman something that saves her heart or helps her to discover someone who will be worthy of her then all of this will be well worth it.

Now back to finding love on the Internet. In relationships you need to be able to utilize all of your senses. Seeing, feeling, touching, smelling and so on. On the Internet you get none of that. On the net a person can be anyone he wants. A rich Arab from the Middle East, a Banker, a Lawyer or a retired Pro Athlete. You really have no way of knowing who or what he really is. As women, you are handicapped in this game of Internet love. Woman fall victims to dogs because of this. I wrote my ads based on what I would have said had I  still been a dog and I needed to attract some available female companionship.  

In order to do this I had to make myself look vulnerable. Most of the ads centered around Healing my broken heart, or Teaching me to trust again. In none of the ads did I ever describe what I look like or my age. I never described any specific type of woman I was in search of. I kept it all pretty much generic.

Why did I know this would work? Because woman have this need to repair men. I came across like I was damaged goods. My last ex broke my heart and I need someone to repair it. In return I received countless letters explaining how their ex’s hurt them and they understand how I feel and need someone to also help them get over the pain.

As woman, you really need to understand that very few real men are going to tell you he had his heart broken. If he does, it’s just a ploy to disarm you and suck you in. Even when men do have their hearts broken, they tend to keep it to themselves and suffer in silence. Why? Because that’s the way we were brought up. ”Stop crying Boy, men don’t cry!” Men don’t really show much emotion accept for a possible bout with anger. Think back to your father, you’ve probably only seen him cry once or twice and that was probably because of the death of a loved one.

On the Internet women make themselves vulnerable because just like in face to face meetings with a new man, sometimes you give out way too much information. As a dog, I was also a Chameleon. I could become anything and everything you wanted in a man, just by listening to the horror stories about your ex. If he always wanted to go out with his friends, I tell you I like to stay at home and read. If he didn’t bring you flowers, I’d probably send you a dozen roses the next day just to tell you how much I appreciated you going to dinner with me. If he never opened doors for you, I’d open every door we happened upon and to top it off, when we walked down the street I’d make sure I was on the side closest to the street (just in case a car happened to lose control) because I wanted to keep you safe. Your ex drink, I don’t. Foul language? Not me. Never told you how he felt about you? I’ll call you in the middle of the night just to tell you I cannot sleep without telling you how much I miss you.

Men accomplish this feat of becoming what you want to accomplish what they want. You unknowingly assist them in this process because you feed them the information they need to transform themselves into your ideal man based on the criteria you provide. This and the fact that your ex probably was an idiot and you harbor deep sentiment for him and you want to locate someone who is his exact opposite. In reality, you create the man you want based on what you didn’t like in you previous man. Unfortunately for you the new man is probably worse, but for a few months he’ll be whatever you want him to be.

Remember the six month rule? ( Re-read the post on Changing your selection process) This is why you need to wait this long. Because if he’s a chameleon, he’ll reveal himself within the first few months and you’ll get a glimpse of who you’re really dealing with. Do not complicate your relationship be giving in to what he wants before you know who he is, and he you. If you find out he’s a dog, and you haven’t slept with him then you’ve only lost time. If you sleep with him and find out he’s a dog you lose so much more. If he is a dog he’ll get tired after a month or so, and he’ll get frustrated (unless you’re a virgin) because he cannot understand why you will not submit to him. On the other side of the coin he’s probably catching shit from his boys because you are the one woman who can resist him, and that ain’t cool. Now on the other hand, if your a virgin, most dogs run. You see in our minds if you’re not a virgin, then it’s just sex and you’ll get over it. If you’re a virgin, we all assume you’ll really fall in love and it’ll be hard to get rid of you. That and the fact that deep inside, dogs really have a heart and they feel they would be taking something away from you that would be better given to someone who really gives a shit! However, once you’ve been deflowered, all bets are off.   

On the Internet it’s even worse. If he’s patient and continues to write and chat with you. over time you’ll get comfortable and tell him everything he needs to know. This is important! Never tell any man, anything about your ex! If you had a bad relationship in the past, keep it to yourself. Do not arm him with any information about what you are seeking in a man. Do not help him in his quest to deceive you. I’ll tell you why. Because a real man, a good man, does not want to hear about your ex. To even talk about someone you were previously with tells him that you still have feelings for that person and it’s a real turn-off. A real man doesn’t need your input in what you’re looking for, he’s comfortable with himself and apparently so are you or you wouldn’t be sitting there talking to him. He is who he is, and he’s not about to change to meet your criteria for what you think you need or want. He’s not in a hurry, it’s not a race and he’ll wait that six months and be happy. He’ll be happy because you just told him something very important in he process. That you seriously want a man like him and he’s comfortable in the knowledge that if it took him that long to sleep with you, he’s earned it. Real men appreciate the things they earn. That’s why you don’t see them on TV with handcuffs on, or see them driving around in a new BMW and no job, or living at home with their parents well into their 30’s. They earn everything they get and they are proud of the fact that they didn’t take any short cuts because if it’s worth having, then it’s worth working for, including you.

So if for whatever you hate your ex and you’ve been chatting it up with a man in Omaha, please remember if you’ve informed him about what you like in a man or don’t like you’ve armed him with information that can come back and haunt you later. As a test for this post, if any of you have been in or are in a Internet relationship of some sort do this. Go back and read all of the correspondence you’ve had and match what he’s saying in relationship to what you’ve told him Then just to be fair, if he has told you something derogatory about his ex, check out your response. Hell, there’s a little chameleon in all of us. Goodnight!